[fic] Hadrian's Walls (Captain America, Iron Man; PG-13)
Title: Hadrian’s Walls
Author: punahukka
Fandom: Marvel movieverse (Captain America, Iron Man)
Characters/Pairings: unrequited Howard Stark/Steve Rogers, Howard and Tony Stark
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: two canonical not-really-deaths, some internalized homophobia
Prompt: Any fandom, any characters, 'While sailing on the Nile he [Hadrian] lost his Antinous, for whom he wept like a woman.' @ dark_fest
Summary: Loving Captain America shouldn’t lead to bad parenting, but Howard Stark is already too late.
Tony’s dressed up as Captain America for his first Halloween trick or treat, and all the nice words Howard may have had in store for his son die on his tongue. Apparently he still feels, and when he sees the disappointment in Tony’s eyes it’s too late to apologise, explain or tell anything that would matter. He thinks it’s somewhat ironic that a man who’s as much ahead of his time as Howard Stark is always too late.
*
Howard’s sure the guy they picked for the experiment will piss him off one way or another, the likeliest being Hello there, daddy said I’d be a great soldier, grew up throwing rocks at other kids and never learnt to spell my name. So he’s prepared for the worst, but not prepared for Steve Rogers: when they bring in the tiniest grown man he’s seen in his life, instead of cracking a joke about what they feed them in the army… well, wasn’t he a scientist to the bone he would be spellbound.
Because there’s something in that guy, something that makes his heart clench in his chest. And after the serum’s kicked in and everyone’s gaping at the rebirth he just has to touch to believe it’s real, and when Steve looks him in the eye Howard realises it’s just appropriate and right, because now the appearance matches the spirit.
It may be the only time he finds the result more amazing than the process of his devices actually working.
*
Years and years later he realises he’s grown old and misses that feeling more than anything, and he tries to tell it to his son, but they’re already too far apart to speak the same language and he never gets to say things like “be happy” or “remember why you’re doing this”.
*
After a somewhat embarrassing start with theme songs and dancers it soon becomes clear that good old Uncle Sam’s got nothing on Cap Rogers.
Rogers is the kind of guy women want and men want to be. With Rogers it’s not about duty or country, it’s about spirit and passion, and there are few dry eyes or hearts that do not pound a little harder when Captain America looks simply honest and humble and tells that he only does what he feels is right.
Howard may have his weaknesses for dancers in short skirts with play guns, but there are times he wonders if he’s a man or a woman in this set-up, because sometimes he catches himself just wanting.
Peggy Carter is the perfect woman.
And when Howard sees how Steve looks at her, his intentions nothing but pure, Howard is forced to face the fact that he’s not the perfect man.
Steve Rogers is.
What Howard wants he usually gets, but he’s got some moral codes. It’s not like he’s ignorant, he’s always been lucky to have his fair share of attention from the opposite sex. At some level he even understands the importance of attention when there’s no female company available. But whatever he is, he’s not stupid or disrespectful, and he’s got a great poker face, so no-one, least of all Steve, will ever know that sometimes Howard comes in his own hand with Steve’s name on his lips.
*
When Tony is old enough to take an interest in the concept of girls he and Howard hardly speak to each other, and Howard never gets the chance to tell the cleaned-up version of feelings that could have changed history, or that despite everything they’ll ever build it’s the people they should hold on to.
*
Howard and Steve become friends. Howard thinks it’s convenient, because he’s brilliant after all, thank you very much, even if he’s not sure how he meets Steve’s standards. Now that they’re spending more time together when Cap’s not on a mission and really get to know each other Howard almost believes he can put his silly deranged fantasies aside. Then Steve smiles at him and all the walls he’s built around that particular dark corner of his mind come falling down.
So sometimes he dreams, of a national icon without the star spangled suit between them, and in the best and the worst dreams he’s wrapped in the honesty of the moment, Captain Rogers capturing his lips in a scorching kiss as he moves against and inside him, looking him in the eye and making Howard both want him more and want to be more.
*
Howard wants to tell Tony it doesn’t matter who he loves as long as he loves.
*
Bucky Barnes ends up KIA, Steve breaks and Howard feels bad thinking maybe.
*
Howard wants to tell his son that life is here and now and that he can’t count on second chances.
*
Peggy makes it through Steve’s namely funeral with silent tears. When she hugs Howard she says “Steve was the best of us”, and Howard nods into her shoulder and has nothing to add.
When he’s alone and it’s silent apart from the faint electronic humming of the nifty devices he’s surrounded himself with, he can’t hold the whisky up with hands this shaky and he thinks he’s choking or having some kind of a seizure before he remembers how it feels like to cry.
*
“Everything I’ve done I’ve done for you,” he whispers at the door Tony has slammed shut behind him, but his eyes are darting to the portrait of Captain America he still keeps on the wall of his office.
*
“Everyone thinks it was the serum that made him Captain America. That’s not right. Steve Rogers was Captain America was Steve Rogers was Captain fucking America, it’s not some alter ego thing ‘cause the guy got nothing to hide. Completely see-through, that’s what he was.”
He’s slurring and someone comments with an unpatriotic dirty joke, and fuck patriotic, it’s the dirty part concerning Cap’s sexual preferences that makes Howard pass out with his knuckles hurting.
*
Tony’s asleep on the couch, and it’s the only way they can stand being in the same room with nothing formal to do, and as silently as he can Howard covers him with a shawl and pries his fingers from the loving grip on the neck of a wine bottle. He knows it’s a cruel task he’s leaving for Tony, but maybe the hate his son feels for him will make him struggle harder, to want and to be more.
*
Howard goes on with his life and doesn’t.
He gets the weekly phone call and listens to the now familiar lecture of glaciers and ocean currents, and says the same thing he always does: “Just keep looking.”