(no subject)
I figured things out with school and it is a giant weight off of my chest. I am mostly really happy most of the time these days. Some times I feel like I am suppressing other feelings a lot. I am falling in love. I am falling in love. I actually have been enjoying Binghamton. I am making friends. I feel so,so grateful for my family and friends and the cabin. And I am happy. But I am not treating myself way. I feel so happy, but I am treating myself poorly and I don't get it. Some times I think I shouldn't smoke so much weed. I like feeling my feelings now. I don't mean stop, I just mean....I don't feel the need to be high from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. I am sick of binging and not being able to tell if it's just the munchies or I am eating my feelings. These are pretty minor things in the grand scheme of how I feel from day to day. I feel very happy. And lucky. And it's nice. Cody is nice, too. He is really nice. He brings me very many smiles. I am afraid I will ruin things. Sometimes it is hard. I am not used to....being treated well...not arguing constantly with someone....not crying all the time because I crave their love and they have made a game out of withholding it from me. I am afraid to call him or text him some times because I don't think he wants to hear from me. He has done nothing to make me feel that way. It is just what I am used to. It is hard to be affectionate and say the nice things I think some times because I am used to having to hold back on showing my affection and love because the other person doesn't want me to. Some times I just feel so messed up relationship-wise. Not just because of Tom, but my mom has not exactly been the best relationship role model. She married my dad for the wrong reasons and she and Bobby have been together for a long time, but they are so dysfunctional because no one can communicate. She is always sooo passive aggressive and I hate that. I don't want to be passive aggressive. She once told me I should withhold sex to get what I want. I mean, what the fuck. No. I met Cody about four months ago and he has called me nearly every night since. I really like him a lot.