revived

[pumpmaster]

i dont know but today i felt better then i have in a while, the fighting has stoped and i talked my mom into letting me get off grounding oct 1 definatly. i havnt gone into my workshop and worked on something in days, i love that room but i fear it also. whatever i make comes from some strong or pent up emotion and to get it out i have to relive the time or refeel what went on, and while it can give me a almost limitless source of inspiration it casues pain. so today i went in there and did a goof around project one that had no meaning just painted some stuff and glued it here and stuff and i wasnt proud of it but it was fun none the less. Also ive finally been able to feel more comfortable with myself. it took the whole summer and then some to quit pot and hopefully for the last time, cut back on drinking. i'm a little less then content with how shy i still can be and how much i use joking around as a defense mechanism but i know where i have to go with those things and that feels good. hopefully i'll be able to get a band together for music madness so i can sing (which is something ive really wanted to do) were gonna do paranoid by black sabbath and electric eye by judas priest. I think i'm balanceing schoolwork and the other aspects of my life better and i'm actually motivated to do my work this year. i'm also becoming less stuborn and stoping when i realise i cant win. theres only 2 aspects of my life that i think still need to be improved and thats, things between me and my mom, stage crew. me and my mom always seem to go on a wave pattern, things go really good then a downward slope then back up repeat process. and stage crew i feel i'm overlooked or a third wheel ect but the only way to prove i'm capable and dedicated is to work. it seems that now that i can really focus on myself and fixing those things i can finally support myself ( sean you know what i'm talking about). well i'm leaving school early on wednesday for hopefully my last psych evaluation and hopefully things will turn out good but either way i get out of half a day of school.

and now for my observations of crap

crew , it seems to cliqued even withen itself, it seems like theres little exclusive groups withing crew. its supposed to be crew as one group and fight against the actors not eachother casue if we fight amongst one another were only gonna make it suck and akward and make it a long hard experience. (not aimed at anyone specific)

more observations next time and dont jump down my throat at anything i said in this entry about anything , my opinions my thoughts thats all.