(no subject)
heres how i feel. i feel like i wish i could write this in a secret code so that if you spent a really long time trying to figure out what i was talking about, youd be able to. yousee...because i have these things to say that i want people to know..and to be able to reaad, but at the same time i know that its probably inappropriate to say most of those things. uhg.
like maybe if i could just censor parts of this for certain people to read it then that would be ok. im kinda sentimental lately. little things making me sad. like songs at the end of movies...thats really getting me lately. i miss people. i really miss who i used to feel like i was, and proabably still am but i guess i miss the people that were around me that would help me to realize those things. i dont really have that anymore. and mabye thats being selfish saying that i want someone to be around to tell me that i mean something...at least to them anyway, so i guess thats not selfish? im not sure. its almost midnite. yesterday and today i was violently sick with the flu. not the good kind, if there is one. it was the worst flu ever. when i stood up to walk to the bathroom to...you know, i would start crying because my body ached so much..and then i would soon forget about crying because i was talking to the toilet....horrible and disgusting..
i really hope i feel better soon. because there are htings that i want to do here in this town before i leave. and i know that if i dont, i will deeply regret it. well maybe..who knows how deeply you can regret anything if you dont do a damn thing...right? and why do i get so damn frustrated with some people? i just want to scream at them and kick them in the stomach so damn hard...and they wouldnt even know why...and if they asked me why i did it....i would tell them for about three hours straight, but they still wouldnt understand. thats how it feels.
i used to send letters to people in the real mail...and i stopped doing that a long time ago...i wish i had never stopped doing that, becauase i think it helped me out a lot. i feel like ive made a lot of parts of me numb, that used to be anything but. and i really think im going to stop doing that now. the only reason i ever did do it is because if eel that so much of the world is numb..and i was sick of seeming like an emotional whore to it all...and just wanted to be like everyone else. but im not going to do that anymore. and i think its going to feel great....to completely not hold back anyomre. im sick of holding back everything. aahh. there you go. thats me.
like maybe if i could just censor parts of this for certain people to read it then that would be ok. im kinda sentimental lately. little things making me sad. like songs at the end of movies...thats really getting me lately. i miss people. i really miss who i used to feel like i was, and proabably still am but i guess i miss the people that were around me that would help me to realize those things. i dont really have that anymore. and mabye thats being selfish saying that i want someone to be around to tell me that i mean something...at least to them anyway, so i guess thats not selfish? im not sure. its almost midnite. yesterday and today i was violently sick with the flu. not the good kind, if there is one. it was the worst flu ever. when i stood up to walk to the bathroom to...you know, i would start crying because my body ached so much..and then i would soon forget about crying because i was talking to the toilet....horrible and disgusting..
i really hope i feel better soon. because there are htings that i want to do here in this town before i leave. and i know that if i dont, i will deeply regret it. well maybe..who knows how deeply you can regret anything if you dont do a damn thing...right? and why do i get so damn frustrated with some people? i just want to scream at them and kick them in the stomach so damn hard...and they wouldnt even know why...and if they asked me why i did it....i would tell them for about three hours straight, but they still wouldnt understand. thats how it feels.
i used to send letters to people in the real mail...and i stopped doing that a long time ago...i wish i had never stopped doing that, becauase i think it helped me out a lot. i feel like ive made a lot of parts of me numb, that used to be anything but. and i really think im going to stop doing that now. the only reason i ever did do it is because if eel that so much of the world is numb..and i was sick of seeming like an emotional whore to it all...and just wanted to be like everyone else. but im not going to do that anymore. and i think its going to feel great....to completely not hold back anyomre. im sick of holding back everything. aahh. there you go. thats me.