(no subject)
Theres a lot of people who dont really understand the way I think. Hell, I can admit that there are a lot of times when I dont even understand what I'm thinking. My mind has been conditioned to question everything, even myself. The way I feel, the thoughts I think, every action I take, I am already questioning it, wondering what other outcomes there could have been. So I'm going to give you a little insight into the way my mind works...
I was walking to McDonalds to get some food, and on the way there is a bridge that crosses an interstate. So when I'm crossing the bridge over the interstate, I look over the side at the traffic rushing by. 30, maybe 40 feet above, and I have these urges to jump over the side. And I mean these are extreme urges to just leap over the side and see what would happen. I wonder if i would fall and be fine, if i could break something when landing. I wonder if i would get hit by a car, and I wonder what that would feel like. I wonder if I could have landed on top of a car, maybe crashed through the windshield, and then what would have happened to the people in that car. I want to know what all of this would feel like, I want to know if I would live or die. I'm not affraid of any of this, although I probably should be. No, I really want to know what its like. I can already feel myself leaping over the side... caught in that free fall... waiting to know if I'm alive or dead....
...but I keep on walking. I know I cant just jump like that. No matter how badly I want to, I know that this could be something that I never wake up from. And even though I have the greatest desire to sleep forever, I have the feeling that it is just not my time yet. So I just have to keep wondering, surpressing the urges I have...
I'm still waiting for that time when I can finally free fall... fine my resting spot. Sleep, sleep forever, sleep in peace. I'm still searching for that peace.
Piece.
I was walking to McDonalds to get some food, and on the way there is a bridge that crosses an interstate. So when I'm crossing the bridge over the interstate, I look over the side at the traffic rushing by. 30, maybe 40 feet above, and I have these urges to jump over the side. And I mean these are extreme urges to just leap over the side and see what would happen. I wonder if i would fall and be fine, if i could break something when landing. I wonder if i would get hit by a car, and I wonder what that would feel like. I wonder if I could have landed on top of a car, maybe crashed through the windshield, and then what would have happened to the people in that car. I want to know what all of this would feel like, I want to know if I would live or die. I'm not affraid of any of this, although I probably should be. No, I really want to know what its like. I can already feel myself leaping over the side... caught in that free fall... waiting to know if I'm alive or dead....
...but I keep on walking. I know I cant just jump like that. No matter how badly I want to, I know that this could be something that I never wake up from. And even though I have the greatest desire to sleep forever, I have the feeling that it is just not my time yet. So I just have to keep wondering, surpressing the urges I have...
I'm still waiting for that time when I can finally free fall... fine my resting spot. Sleep, sleep forever, sleep in peace. I'm still searching for that peace.
Piece.