?
I just want to curl up in this bed and fade into dust.
The next two days feel as though they are going to be EXTREMELY long, which is not to my liking.
Of course my foolish ass takes vacation a week after everyone else...so this is going to be a lot like my February vacation, except there's been/going to be a lot less of someone around...and that kind of makes me sad.
She's on a little vacation too. Yay.
...oh boy.
...yippee.
...I want to pry my fucking eyes out.
I've just been getting more and more ridiculous.
At least I saw Type O Negative...as lackluster their show was, it was still amazing to see one of my favorite bands live. That's about the only good news I've had so far...
My band also played our first show at the Webster Theater. We did a good job, not as good as Toad's, but apparently we attracted a bit of attention, stole some fans, and even got invited to play another show later next month. So, that's good anyways...
The band shit's been looking up...our cds are finally available for purchase, we have stickers made, we have a few dates booked, and we're going to be cutting a second demo in later July.
That's really all the good news in my life. I could ramble on about the negative, but I doubt that will help, seeing as how it hasn't, well, a majority of my life.
I'm just tired of feeling lonely. I guess that's my only problem. It's not like I need someone else to validate my existence, it just seems for me that I really need someone to help keep me in check really.
Alas...
Hopefully I can fall back asleep for a few hours and stop waking up every other fucking hour. I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I went home early...which was probably why...but, having spent my last five dollars...I had no other choices...Kate no longer will venture into her mother's house for more than about five minutes at a time...and I'm no longer welcome inside Dan's simply because his little brother thinks I stole weed from him, plus she still hasn't made up with Lenore.
I need friends is what it comes down to...but, I can't honestly say I've invested much in my friendships lately. I try to call Danielle at least daily, but she hardly ever answers and when she wants to do something, 90% of the time it's school related and I don't want to be back on campus unless I'm driving through it, checking out girls, or getting weed. Rich calls less and less now, which is hard for me, because we used to talk for hours and he was one of the few people I could really open up to. My bandmates, aside from Luis (Whom I just want to fucking deck in the face), are there, but they just don't know what I'm going through and really lack the experience in life to help me out...Mike is the only one even close to understanding, so at least I have him, he's been a great friend. My other friends have stopped calling me or live far away...so...I put myself here.
Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of meeting new people. There's something I'm more deeply afraid of, but I'm not even gonna go there.
Even more honestly, I've grown incredibly afraid of speaking. Yes, speaking. If I'm not onstage, I have NO desire to speak. I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing...to an extreme. My inferiority complex has reached a new level and with that my jealousy flairs. I'm just this strange mixture of things...all on a rolling boil. And when you're afraid to speak, it makes it hard to articulate your issues.
The only person there to talk to me every once in a while is her. She'll want to talk and she "worries" about me. That's the last thing I've wanted from her. Strange to hear me say that now, but, at this point...I assume I've been put on the second shelf, and that she really just doesn't care anymore. It's been a wild ride and I just want to know where it's going to end.
I'm scared.
I'm foolish.
I'm crying.
Fuck.
Goddamn love.
The next two days feel as though they are going to be EXTREMELY long, which is not to my liking.
Of course my foolish ass takes vacation a week after everyone else...so this is going to be a lot like my February vacation, except there's been/going to be a lot less of someone around...and that kind of makes me sad.
She's on a little vacation too. Yay.
...oh boy.
...yippee.
...I want to pry my fucking eyes out.
I've just been getting more and more ridiculous.
At least I saw Type O Negative...as lackluster their show was, it was still amazing to see one of my favorite bands live. That's about the only good news I've had so far...
My band also played our first show at the Webster Theater. We did a good job, not as good as Toad's, but apparently we attracted a bit of attention, stole some fans, and even got invited to play another show later next month. So, that's good anyways...
The band shit's been looking up...our cds are finally available for purchase, we have stickers made, we have a few dates booked, and we're going to be cutting a second demo in later July.
That's really all the good news in my life. I could ramble on about the negative, but I doubt that will help, seeing as how it hasn't, well, a majority of my life.
I'm just tired of feeling lonely. I guess that's my only problem. It's not like I need someone else to validate my existence, it just seems for me that I really need someone to help keep me in check really.
Alas...
Hopefully I can fall back asleep for a few hours and stop waking up every other fucking hour. I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I went home early...which was probably why...but, having spent my last five dollars...I had no other choices...Kate no longer will venture into her mother's house for more than about five minutes at a time...and I'm no longer welcome inside Dan's simply because his little brother thinks I stole weed from him, plus she still hasn't made up with Lenore.
I need friends is what it comes down to...but, I can't honestly say I've invested much in my friendships lately. I try to call Danielle at least daily, but she hardly ever answers and when she wants to do something, 90% of the time it's school related and I don't want to be back on campus unless I'm driving through it, checking out girls, or getting weed. Rich calls less and less now, which is hard for me, because we used to talk for hours and he was one of the few people I could really open up to. My bandmates, aside from Luis (Whom I just want to fucking deck in the face), are there, but they just don't know what I'm going through and really lack the experience in life to help me out...Mike is the only one even close to understanding, so at least I have him, he's been a great friend. My other friends have stopped calling me or live far away...so...I put myself here.
Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of meeting new people. There's something I'm more deeply afraid of, but I'm not even gonna go there.
Even more honestly, I've grown incredibly afraid of speaking. Yes, speaking. If I'm not onstage, I have NO desire to speak. I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing...to an extreme. My inferiority complex has reached a new level and with that my jealousy flairs. I'm just this strange mixture of things...all on a rolling boil. And when you're afraid to speak, it makes it hard to articulate your issues.
The only person there to talk to me every once in a while is her. She'll want to talk and she "worries" about me. That's the last thing I've wanted from her. Strange to hear me say that now, but, at this point...I assume I've been put on the second shelf, and that she really just doesn't care anymore. It's been a wild ride and I just want to know where it's going to end.
I'm scared.
I'm foolish.
I'm crying.
Fuck.
Goddamn love.