Fuck this nonsense.
I hate my job.
It has conditioned me to wake up at 5:00 am every morning and start "functioning"...this is not cool. Granted, I would've only gotten maybe an extra hour of sleep since I have so much shit to do this morning anyways, but, it would've been a greatly cherished hour.
I was dreaming, and if my body hadn't woken me, I might be able to flesh out all the details of the dream...but, right now, all that's left is a hazy recollection that I DID have a dream at least. There were some obvious faces...and that's about all I can remember.
So...where shall I begin?
Well, I'll talk about the Still Remains show, because that is a happy memory, and goddammit, I need something happy to occupy my thoughts.
Ok...let me put the pieces together in my head...
Alright...luckily this got saved, my computer decided to throw a goddamn fit.
Still Remains...
Ah yes, 'twas a magical evening for all.
Usual concert agenda...drive to Mike's house...pick up people...drive to venue...wait at venue...eat (I have to mention the pizza there near the Empress Ballroom, Nico's, fuckin' delicious...we got barbeque chicken pizza...so good)...wait some more...and some more...listen to the openers (there's always been someone before us, that makes me feel kinda good)...go onstage...do our thing...and that's about the skinny of it.
So, we get there, meet the bands...someone shit all over the toilet in the guy's bathroom and the soundguy bitched at everyone about it...haha. Still Remains was actually there when we got there, just chilling in their van. We got to watch the Still Remains soundcheck...it was sweet.
The night progressed on and we finally out the order, originally we were second, but then we were bumped to third...right before the three bigger bands went on. Embrace was the first local, not that local...from New York...they were...at best, tolerable. The singer was screechy as fuck and the music was so simple and boring. Next was Dead Kids Drive Fast Cars...screamo...oy...nice guys, just their music was like so milquetoast...and they tried to do a Norma Jean cover...no...no...no...you do NOT play Norma Jean unless you ARE Norma Jean. Sorry...a lot of bands go for that sound, but Norma Jean has nailed it. Anyways...after they finished, it was time to go.
Right as I'm about to go up onstage, Kate finally comes up. I was glad to at least know she was there. I wanted her to see my band and see me happy doing something.
So...our set...after killing some of our set time still setting up, we scrambled into the first song..."To Bleed No More"...that went alright. Next "The Struggle"...I love that song...and I know I nailed it. Sweetness. I'm not sure if I remember the set in order, but I know we played..."What You've Wrought"...which I noticed my throat was cracking in...but, that's actually the song I got really into, which was cool, because I got down on my knees and just vibed and really lost myself during the slower part...I think next was "Bring Forth the Tempest", which is one of my favorite songs, I did fine and...lastly, "Farewell", I had to literally make up lyrics for the last verse of the song because we had only practiced it once or twice, but, apparently, we did excellently.
We got offstage, packed up, and then I moped for a bit. I thought the show was a failure, I thought we sounded off...I felt like I let the guys down. So I sat off by myself for a bit, smoking cigarettes and then Mike comes up to.
"Jeff, my aunt wants to show you something."
Mike's aunt is mad nice. I've met her a couple times before and she's just really cool. But, I know she likes to bust my balls about the way I look when I scream. I get red in the face, veins pop out, all that good shit. Well, I thought she'd have some picture of me looking like I'm trying to force out a demon shit...so I walked over to her car, and lo and behold...she's holding a box of Dutches. I get excited. Usually I'm stoned BEFORE the show...which didn't happen 'cuz I had no money and no pot. So, she asks me if I smoke, and of course I say yes, and she's like "Get in the back". So I climb in her backseat, and she pulls out this fat bag and starts gutting a blunt. Her husband is just chilling there and I'm sitting in anticipation. It's rolled, it's passed, it's finished. Good shit. I was high.
So, after a cigarette we make our way back in. On the way in, we pass by the merch booth...and at the booth is the lead guitarist for Still Remains, Jordan. He stops me and goes "Man, great show. You've got killer vocals." I nearly wet myself. I was just so stunned, and he goes on, "Yeah, you guys were definately the best band that's gone on so far." (Seeing as how the rest of the bands were somewhat "known", two being signed and one that's touring, I take that as an immense compliment) So we bullshitted for a few minutes...and I was just floating with happiness. Dude...I told EVERYONE...and I was stoned as fuck. Beautiful. So I talked with Kate for a bit...actually missed both Enemy Infernis and Endwell...which I really regret missing Endwell, but I'm sure we'll see them again.
So, got to bond with Kate a bit. It wasn't as odd or awkward as I thought it'd be...so that's a plus.
We actually have spent a fair amount of time together recently. I'm glad. I've missed her. And I'll shut up about this situation at this juncture.
Ok...Still Remains. Holy shit. Amazing. Just killer...I moshed...and I just was mesmorized by their amazing music and performance. All of them are just seem to be so in tune with the way they play, and they were just killer with harmonization. One of the best live bands I've seen.
So, after that...I had like at least 10 strangers come up to me and tell me either my band was awesome or my vocals killed or both. I really thought we blew. Guess not.
I will never doubt myself again. I've found my calling. I love what I'm doing and I'm doing what I love. I don't really even need "fame"...if I can just live and make ends meet by playing music...I'll gladly take that route.
Kate left and we exchanged goodbyes...then, I sat with my band waiting for Still Remains to pack up. They're just all around cool guys. They sat and let anyone who wanted autographs get one...they talked to everybody, and they stayed at least an extra hour just to hang out. We wanted them to come to get Denny's with us and they said they honestly would if there weren't fans still there, they didn't want to be mobbed...understandable.
So we left...went to Denny's, ate...it was a good food night, because that burger was fuckin' awesome. Went home.
Not much is really going on in my life outside the band.
Work is just getting less and less tolerable by the day. First it was the "being late" nonsense, then our magazines were taken and we weren't allowed to read or do crosswords or anything like that, then it was no talking on our cellphones at all, no it's no radio, no nothing...complete silence and if we don't look "busy" we'll get written up. What a crock of shit. Three years into the game you finally decide to make us work? What the fuck? Now don't get me wrong, I can work hard, when I worked with my father, it wasn't no bullshit sitting around crap, I had to lift and carry and all that good shit. I know what it's like to work. It's just that, it's a rupture in the routine...the routine I've created to keep myself sane. I like to listen to music...and now I can't even do that. This is ridiculous.
I hate getting up in the morning. For a while, it didn't bother me, I'd just wake up and be all charged and ready to go...and I'd get like 4 hours sleep. Now, if I get less than 9 hours sleep, I'm ready to die. I go to bed at like 6:30 pm sometimes, it's sad. Otherwise, I'd feel like shit the next day. I have to get up and be out of the house by 5:15, then it's 45 minutes of driving around to local gas stations, then it's work...which is even worse now, because in the freezing fucking cold, my manager just expects us to go out and clean the goddamn pumps and pick up trash and shit...otherwise, he calls and bitches until something is done.
He needs to get a good punch in the jaw.
My body felt the need to wake me up at 5 am. I was not excited about that. I had an early set for 6, but no, my internal alarm decides to work for once and bam, I'm up and ready to go to work. The problem is no work today. I mean, yeah, I had to get up, but it's not imperative that I'm up and at them...I can fuck around for a bit. Which is what I'm doing right now.
I just felt like getting some of this shit out of my head. The writing distracts me from my thoughts, and right now, that's all I can ask for, seeing as how all day all I'll have to entertain me, for the most part, is my thoughts. I need to get a bit emo for Saturday, because I want the desparation in my voice to bring life to these songs, but, I don't want to be way too emo and just want to whine into the mic or start shrieking.
It's just lately...
I don't feel alone. Which is a good thing.
But the issue is...I don't quite feel "right"? Maybe "whole"...but that sounds far too emotional...I'm trying to think of a more fitting word. I just don't feel at home in my skin some of the time. I've just been doubting myself and questioning things...and I just seem so confused. One moment I know what I want and the next it's all a blur.
It's just been hard without my friend Rich around. He's the only guy friend I had left around and he became like a brother to me. I could just go to his house any hour of the day, and he'd wake up and we could just talk. He definately helped to keep me level.
It's fucked up what his mom's boyfriend did to him and his mother. After Rich's grandmother died, John (his mother's boyfriend) asked his daughter(Crystal)'s boyfriend (Eddie) if he'd drive them down to North Carolina for the funeral. Apparently, there had been a plan devised. After only a day there, on the second day when they were all to come back, John calls Rich's mom (Jess), and tells them that Eddie, Crystal, and himself were all going back to Connecticut, and that this was "the best for her and Rich".
She flipped out and needed to be committed. Rich was forced to live with his bitch of an aunt. Well, soon after, Jess was sent back up to CT to live with John, because she "couldn't live without him"...leaving Rich down in NC by himself. He's miserable, and calls me nearly everyday saying that...I miss him....and I hate the fact that he's upset. His whole family has just turned on him, his friends have changed personality-wise, and he can't even find a job to pass the time.
I wish there was more I could do to help him with that. But, due to Tim's escapades in my home, none of my friends are EVER allowed to stay here for more than a few nights. Otherwise, he'd be living here right now and I wouldn't be half as depressed as I am.
It was odd, though.
The other night, I thought of my first girlfriend, Jessica. I don't know if I've ever mentioned her in this journal, but, we had a very short and awkward relationship and I took it very harshly and didn't speak to her for at least a year. After that...we didn't talk much seeing as how she went to a different high school and had different friends...and then, on July 4, 2002...she was killed in a drunk driving accident.
I took it very hard. I felt so bad for never really apologizing to her and trying to somewhat mend our friendship. I prayed for the first time in years that next night. I was just so hurt.
And...I just thought of her. It never really dawned on me...like, she's gone. Can't talk to her in any conventional sense...can't see her...and that just hit me. Like, I'm aware of the permanence of death...but, she was my age...and it made me think of some of the friendships I've had. You don't talk for a long time, catch up, that kind of thing...it just scares me that someone I know could just be dead or die...and I'd barely know, and vice versa. Not like I fear death, just...it's weird. It made me just want to make the few friendships I have a bit stronger, 'cuz I've never noticed them slipping lately.
Especially between Danielle and I. Alright, she's got a life. Job. Baby on the way. Court battle with that piece of shit ex of hers. School. New boyfriend. But, I worry about her, and I just want to make sure she's alright. She's like my little sister. And she's another person that just even being around just helps calm me down. And it eeems like lately I barely hear from her.
What else is on the agenda?
EP time starts five hours from now...that is if there isn't too much snow up in Mass. Hopefully we can just get this done, because I'm way too excited to not go and do this this weekend, plus the fact that I'm not getting paid for working this weekend because I took days off instead of vacation because I can't take nearly two weeks of vacation in a row...that's just not happening.
Ah yes, my birthday is coming up soon. If all goes as planned...my birthday weekend looks like this:
Friday: Work, practice, shower. Party at Danielle's house. Mike's coming to my party and he's gonna get shitfaced with me...haha...and I'm gonna get him high as fuck.
Saturday: Recover. Recover. Recover. Wake up at around 3 pm. Shower, shave. Return Mike Jones to his home. Pick up Kate. Get stoned. See Lewis Black. Get drunk?
Sunday: Recover some more. Go to the Cadillac Ranch...drink?
Monday: Buy liquor.
I don't know if my family wants to do anything or if they're waiting for me to say something. I don't really care. My weekend is good enough at the moment.
Dammit, it's almost seven.
A few more thoughts before I leave.
I'm going to see Mastodon in February. Sweetness.
I'm going to buy Glassjaw's cd "Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Silence"...because I can't keep living without it.
I'm stoned at 6:52 in the morning.
I'm hungry.
Alright.
I feel like ranting a bit more. But...eh...
It has conditioned me to wake up at 5:00 am every morning and start "functioning"...this is not cool. Granted, I would've only gotten maybe an extra hour of sleep since I have so much shit to do this morning anyways, but, it would've been a greatly cherished hour.
I was dreaming, and if my body hadn't woken me, I might be able to flesh out all the details of the dream...but, right now, all that's left is a hazy recollection that I DID have a dream at least. There were some obvious faces...and that's about all I can remember.
So...where shall I begin?
Well, I'll talk about the Still Remains show, because that is a happy memory, and goddammit, I need something happy to occupy my thoughts.
Ok...let me put the pieces together in my head...
Alright...luckily this got saved, my computer decided to throw a goddamn fit.
Still Remains...
Ah yes, 'twas a magical evening for all.
Usual concert agenda...drive to Mike's house...pick up people...drive to venue...wait at venue...eat (I have to mention the pizza there near the Empress Ballroom, Nico's, fuckin' delicious...we got barbeque chicken pizza...so good)...wait some more...and some more...listen to the openers (there's always been someone before us, that makes me feel kinda good)...go onstage...do our thing...and that's about the skinny of it.
So, we get there, meet the bands...someone shit all over the toilet in the guy's bathroom and the soundguy bitched at everyone about it...haha. Still Remains was actually there when we got there, just chilling in their van. We got to watch the Still Remains soundcheck...it was sweet.
The night progressed on and we finally out the order, originally we were second, but then we were bumped to third...right before the three bigger bands went on. Embrace was the first local, not that local...from New York...they were...at best, tolerable. The singer was screechy as fuck and the music was so simple and boring. Next was Dead Kids Drive Fast Cars...screamo...oy...nice guys, just their music was like so milquetoast...and they tried to do a Norma Jean cover...no...no...no...you do NOT play Norma Jean unless you ARE Norma Jean. Sorry...a lot of bands go for that sound, but Norma Jean has nailed it. Anyways...after they finished, it was time to go.
Right as I'm about to go up onstage, Kate finally comes up. I was glad to at least know she was there. I wanted her to see my band and see me happy doing something.
So...our set...after killing some of our set time still setting up, we scrambled into the first song..."To Bleed No More"...that went alright. Next "The Struggle"...I love that song...and I know I nailed it. Sweetness. I'm not sure if I remember the set in order, but I know we played..."What You've Wrought"...which I noticed my throat was cracking in...but, that's actually the song I got really into, which was cool, because I got down on my knees and just vibed and really lost myself during the slower part...I think next was "Bring Forth the Tempest", which is one of my favorite songs, I did fine and...lastly, "Farewell", I had to literally make up lyrics for the last verse of the song because we had only practiced it once or twice, but, apparently, we did excellently.
We got offstage, packed up, and then I moped for a bit. I thought the show was a failure, I thought we sounded off...I felt like I let the guys down. So I sat off by myself for a bit, smoking cigarettes and then Mike comes up to.
"Jeff, my aunt wants to show you something."
Mike's aunt is mad nice. I've met her a couple times before and she's just really cool. But, I know she likes to bust my balls about the way I look when I scream. I get red in the face, veins pop out, all that good shit. Well, I thought she'd have some picture of me looking like I'm trying to force out a demon shit...so I walked over to her car, and lo and behold...she's holding a box of Dutches. I get excited. Usually I'm stoned BEFORE the show...which didn't happen 'cuz I had no money and no pot. So, she asks me if I smoke, and of course I say yes, and she's like "Get in the back". So I climb in her backseat, and she pulls out this fat bag and starts gutting a blunt. Her husband is just chilling there and I'm sitting in anticipation. It's rolled, it's passed, it's finished. Good shit. I was high.
So, after a cigarette we make our way back in. On the way in, we pass by the merch booth...and at the booth is the lead guitarist for Still Remains, Jordan. He stops me and goes "Man, great show. You've got killer vocals." I nearly wet myself. I was just so stunned, and he goes on, "Yeah, you guys were definately the best band that's gone on so far." (Seeing as how the rest of the bands were somewhat "known", two being signed and one that's touring, I take that as an immense compliment) So we bullshitted for a few minutes...and I was just floating with happiness. Dude...I told EVERYONE...and I was stoned as fuck. Beautiful. So I talked with Kate for a bit...actually missed both Enemy Infernis and Endwell...which I really regret missing Endwell, but I'm sure we'll see them again.
So, got to bond with Kate a bit. It wasn't as odd or awkward as I thought it'd be...so that's a plus.
We actually have spent a fair amount of time together recently. I'm glad. I've missed her. And I'll shut up about this situation at this juncture.
Ok...Still Remains. Holy shit. Amazing. Just killer...I moshed...and I just was mesmorized by their amazing music and performance. All of them are just seem to be so in tune with the way they play, and they were just killer with harmonization. One of the best live bands I've seen.
So, after that...I had like at least 10 strangers come up to me and tell me either my band was awesome or my vocals killed or both. I really thought we blew. Guess not.
I will never doubt myself again. I've found my calling. I love what I'm doing and I'm doing what I love. I don't really even need "fame"...if I can just live and make ends meet by playing music...I'll gladly take that route.
Kate left and we exchanged goodbyes...then, I sat with my band waiting for Still Remains to pack up. They're just all around cool guys. They sat and let anyone who wanted autographs get one...they talked to everybody, and they stayed at least an extra hour just to hang out. We wanted them to come to get Denny's with us and they said they honestly would if there weren't fans still there, they didn't want to be mobbed...understandable.
So we left...went to Denny's, ate...it was a good food night, because that burger was fuckin' awesome. Went home.
Not much is really going on in my life outside the band.
Work is just getting less and less tolerable by the day. First it was the "being late" nonsense, then our magazines were taken and we weren't allowed to read or do crosswords or anything like that, then it was no talking on our cellphones at all, no it's no radio, no nothing...complete silence and if we don't look "busy" we'll get written up. What a crock of shit. Three years into the game you finally decide to make us work? What the fuck? Now don't get me wrong, I can work hard, when I worked with my father, it wasn't no bullshit sitting around crap, I had to lift and carry and all that good shit. I know what it's like to work. It's just that, it's a rupture in the routine...the routine I've created to keep myself sane. I like to listen to music...and now I can't even do that. This is ridiculous.
I hate getting up in the morning. For a while, it didn't bother me, I'd just wake up and be all charged and ready to go...and I'd get like 4 hours sleep. Now, if I get less than 9 hours sleep, I'm ready to die. I go to bed at like 6:30 pm sometimes, it's sad. Otherwise, I'd feel like shit the next day. I have to get up and be out of the house by 5:15, then it's 45 minutes of driving around to local gas stations, then it's work...which is even worse now, because in the freezing fucking cold, my manager just expects us to go out and clean the goddamn pumps and pick up trash and shit...otherwise, he calls and bitches until something is done.
He needs to get a good punch in the jaw.
My body felt the need to wake me up at 5 am. I was not excited about that. I had an early set for 6, but no, my internal alarm decides to work for once and bam, I'm up and ready to go to work. The problem is no work today. I mean, yeah, I had to get up, but it's not imperative that I'm up and at them...I can fuck around for a bit. Which is what I'm doing right now.
I just felt like getting some of this shit out of my head. The writing distracts me from my thoughts, and right now, that's all I can ask for, seeing as how all day all I'll have to entertain me, for the most part, is my thoughts. I need to get a bit emo for Saturday, because I want the desparation in my voice to bring life to these songs, but, I don't want to be way too emo and just want to whine into the mic or start shrieking.
It's just lately...
I don't feel alone. Which is a good thing.
But the issue is...I don't quite feel "right"? Maybe "whole"...but that sounds far too emotional...I'm trying to think of a more fitting word. I just don't feel at home in my skin some of the time. I've just been doubting myself and questioning things...and I just seem so confused. One moment I know what I want and the next it's all a blur.
It's just been hard without my friend Rich around. He's the only guy friend I had left around and he became like a brother to me. I could just go to his house any hour of the day, and he'd wake up and we could just talk. He definately helped to keep me level.
It's fucked up what his mom's boyfriend did to him and his mother. After Rich's grandmother died, John (his mother's boyfriend) asked his daughter(Crystal)'s boyfriend (Eddie) if he'd drive them down to North Carolina for the funeral. Apparently, there had been a plan devised. After only a day there, on the second day when they were all to come back, John calls Rich's mom (Jess), and tells them that Eddie, Crystal, and himself were all going back to Connecticut, and that this was "the best for her and Rich".
She flipped out and needed to be committed. Rich was forced to live with his bitch of an aunt. Well, soon after, Jess was sent back up to CT to live with John, because she "couldn't live without him"...leaving Rich down in NC by himself. He's miserable, and calls me nearly everyday saying that...I miss him....and I hate the fact that he's upset. His whole family has just turned on him, his friends have changed personality-wise, and he can't even find a job to pass the time.
I wish there was more I could do to help him with that. But, due to Tim's escapades in my home, none of my friends are EVER allowed to stay here for more than a few nights. Otherwise, he'd be living here right now and I wouldn't be half as depressed as I am.
It was odd, though.
The other night, I thought of my first girlfriend, Jessica. I don't know if I've ever mentioned her in this journal, but, we had a very short and awkward relationship and I took it very harshly and didn't speak to her for at least a year. After that...we didn't talk much seeing as how she went to a different high school and had different friends...and then, on July 4, 2002...she was killed in a drunk driving accident.
I took it very hard. I felt so bad for never really apologizing to her and trying to somewhat mend our friendship. I prayed for the first time in years that next night. I was just so hurt.
And...I just thought of her. It never really dawned on me...like, she's gone. Can't talk to her in any conventional sense...can't see her...and that just hit me. Like, I'm aware of the permanence of death...but, she was my age...and it made me think of some of the friendships I've had. You don't talk for a long time, catch up, that kind of thing...it just scares me that someone I know could just be dead or die...and I'd barely know, and vice versa. Not like I fear death, just...it's weird. It made me just want to make the few friendships I have a bit stronger, 'cuz I've never noticed them slipping lately.
Especially between Danielle and I. Alright, she's got a life. Job. Baby on the way. Court battle with that piece of shit ex of hers. School. New boyfriend. But, I worry about her, and I just want to make sure she's alright. She's like my little sister. And she's another person that just even being around just helps calm me down. And it eeems like lately I barely hear from her.
What else is on the agenda?
EP time starts five hours from now...that is if there isn't too much snow up in Mass. Hopefully we can just get this done, because I'm way too excited to not go and do this this weekend, plus the fact that I'm not getting paid for working this weekend because I took days off instead of vacation because I can't take nearly two weeks of vacation in a row...that's just not happening.
Ah yes, my birthday is coming up soon. If all goes as planned...my birthday weekend looks like this:
Friday: Work, practice, shower. Party at Danielle's house. Mike's coming to my party and he's gonna get shitfaced with me...haha...and I'm gonna get him high as fuck.
Saturday: Recover. Recover. Recover. Wake up at around 3 pm. Shower, shave. Return Mike Jones to his home. Pick up Kate. Get stoned. See Lewis Black. Get drunk?
Sunday: Recover some more. Go to the Cadillac Ranch...drink?
Monday: Buy liquor.
I don't know if my family wants to do anything or if they're waiting for me to say something. I don't really care. My weekend is good enough at the moment.
Dammit, it's almost seven.
A few more thoughts before I leave.
I'm going to see Mastodon in February. Sweetness.
I'm going to buy Glassjaw's cd "Everything You've Ever Wanted to Know About Silence"...because I can't keep living without it.
I'm stoned at 6:52 in the morning.
I'm hungry.
Alright.
I feel like ranting a bit more. But...eh...