(no subject)
my heads fucking twisting inside itself and colapsing as im typing this out....what do you do when you ask your self a question...answer it...then it consitatly contradicts what its saying.....arguing with itself .....my mind is fucking at war with itself and im along for the ride....right now my mind is split in 3....side 1 just got over somthing and is tryin to just keep it in the past.....then this other little side 2 is just wispering in its ear about everylittle thing that could posibley be turned into sumthing to bring back what it is that side 1 just got over not to long ago.....then side one is just screaming shut the fuck up to side 2..... and then the 3rd side is just num and is trying to just not ecknolage that this war is going on, on either side of it......i just dont fucking know anymore....its driving me fucking crazy...now i dont mean to brag but....i am the king of emotion stuffing and i can hide things pretty deep.....somtimes i dont even know its there any more......but this thing i keep tying to stuff down just wont stay...no cage can hold this deep enough.....exspecialy the littlest things that usually have nuthing to do with it that my little side 2 desides to make it look like the worst......
look im sorry......this shits confusing....and yet i dont even know what to say becuse my mind is just going crazy.......but of corse.....things just can never ....ever for once just go smoothly for paul....in fact i think its kind of funny to even think somthing so write could ever happen to me for too long....wich makes things worse... fuck it gets my hopes up....like mabey this time this will be ok...learn from your mistakes....how the fuck do you learn from um when you cant ever see what you did wrong...now either 1...you cant see what you did wrong so you cant corect it...or 2...you did nouthing wrong and then hey....thats just life for you....but no...no matter how prepaird i am.....life just fucking takes everything i could posibly want.....gives me a little taste... and then fucking rips it all away.....then fucking stand over me wile im at my lowest point and just fucking laughs right in my face....and i swear i hear it say wile its just cackaling away......ohh man how could you be so fucking blind....did you acually think somthing was going to go right for you........you think id learn....but see right hear is were who ever reads this goes....WHAT?!?! beacuse all of this is just what im talking about.....this one little thing.....just makes me feel like evrythings going to be ripped away when you know what......im just pariniod....there prolly is nouthing wrong and its just me....now can you see were im going with all of this......PARANOIA is my poison...you cant keep this in ....some how it always leaks out from within....now see i call it my poison because i know that if i dont get rid of this poison...its going to kill the one thing right now that i have and wont give away for anything bacause its its the one thing i treasure most and its all ive got left right now keeping me togather.... but the thing with that is....things that hold stuff togather...when taken away....everything just falls apart...and you know....som things you just cant figure out...
now after reading all this...if you have.... if fact read this.... can easly tell how fucked my mind is cuz im going back and forth and your prolly realy confused....but its all ok.....i realy just need to let some of this out cuz i cant hold it in anymore....pluss pretty soon side 3 is going to take back over and ill go on about my normal buisness...well now that you all prolly think im clinically insain....have a great day...
-Paul-
look im sorry......this shits confusing....and yet i dont even know what to say becuse my mind is just going crazy.......but of corse.....things just can never ....ever for once just go smoothly for paul....in fact i think its kind of funny to even think somthing so write could ever happen to me for too long....wich makes things worse... fuck it gets my hopes up....like mabey this time this will be ok...learn from your mistakes....how the fuck do you learn from um when you cant ever see what you did wrong...now either 1...you cant see what you did wrong so you cant corect it...or 2...you did nouthing wrong and then hey....thats just life for you....but no...no matter how prepaird i am.....life just fucking takes everything i could posibly want.....gives me a little taste... and then fucking rips it all away.....then fucking stand over me wile im at my lowest point and just fucking laughs right in my face....and i swear i hear it say wile its just cackaling away......ohh man how could you be so fucking blind....did you acually think somthing was going to go right for you........you think id learn....but see right hear is were who ever reads this goes....WHAT?!?! beacuse all of this is just what im talking about.....this one little thing.....just makes me feel like evrythings going to be ripped away when you know what......im just pariniod....there prolly is nouthing wrong and its just me....now can you see were im going with all of this......PARANOIA is my poison...you cant keep this in ....some how it always leaks out from within....now see i call it my poison because i know that if i dont get rid of this poison...its going to kill the one thing right now that i have and wont give away for anything bacause its its the one thing i treasure most and its all ive got left right now keeping me togather.... but the thing with that is....things that hold stuff togather...when taken away....everything just falls apart...and you know....som things you just cant figure out...
now after reading all this...if you have.... if fact read this.... can easly tell how fucked my mind is cuz im going back and forth and your prolly realy confused....but its all ok.....i realy just need to let some of this out cuz i cant hold it in anymore....pluss pretty soon side 3 is going to take back over and ill go on about my normal buisness...well now that you all prolly think im clinically insain....have a great day...
-Paul-