(no subject)
Hawaii... Some people spend there whole damn lives on those tiny rocks scattered in the middle of the Pacific. At least for the locals, its all they know. But for most of the mainlanders, it was a retreat. Soon a reoccurring theme took hold and I was somewhere in between.
I remember how those closest to me would tell me what an experience this would be. There was such promise in the things I was doing. And they very well could still be right. I had passed and the certification was now in my name. So off to the ship. I knew then that things would never be the same. This is definitely something I never saw myself doing at the sweet age of 18. But I was out there and there was no way back. It was my time and all would work, or at least I would.
If nothing else, I would at least finish. It was orientation time and like I usually do I skipped past the rules and regulations and took them for common logic. I reported for duty and they asked where it was I wanted to be scheduled. As if I had a choice, but probably just the appearance of one. All of the sudden the title of Merchant Marine turned into deck 5 Pot Wash. 6 months of this wouldn’t be so bad. Not much more to do then to get settled.
I was now living the life I dreamed, but something was in the way. To this day, I don’t want to face the facts. So I preoccupied my time thinking of all the places I would go, the people I would meet and the great things I would become. So much could take place in the not so distant future and all I had to do was let go. My mind drifted but as far it would take me was to the days already spent. There was not much I could accomplish in this constant state of change. I was taken back by the words of everyone I had come to love. They said we could be anything, but we are what they gave-everything.
This wasn’t mine and mine alone. This was a world that I had planned on sharing. I wanted a mastermind that could rival my own and a hand to take part in the construction of this new life. But in no way was it because I couldn’t do it alone. I knew what it was like to be lost and to hold on to a secular state. To watch as the pieces fall away as concubines came and went. This was everything I used to be. It was how I waged war against the interpretations of others who probably wanted nothing more then to build to suit. And how I had come to the independence I was so determined on declaring.
Conclusions never really seem to put anything to an end. But as connotations change, so does the scenery. I reached... And found someone who came to a place that brought on a state of being that I didn’t want to leave. Stayed in touch and waited for that phone to ring. And when it did, I was overwhelmed with the claims that were made. I could then see an open state of change and the progress that first made me fall in love with chance. So we plotted and came to a scheme. Innocent as it may be, there were still things that I didn’t want to be seen. And from beneath my minds eye grew the lie that I would feed and in turn consume me.
It worked and she was on her way. But the pressures mounted and I soon came to a hard understanding of what we’re here for. Contracts and pay checks. Steps that come one after another. This was something that I was never ready to accept. It was much easier to run and to watch as everything blurred. Even if I forgot to listen and every word was slurred. At any rate, it was of little or no concern. This is still my favorite page even if it has turned into something with no visible end.
It was apparent that it was coming from both directions. So we compared scars and started to learn the truth that was behind each and every one. And deep down knew that this could become another to add to the collection. The adventure at hand was getting to know the person right in front me. Which is next to impossible when you cant even look at your own reflection and say I know you. But we did anyway and in a way... Gave each other the chance to get to know ourselves.
The ship and each port we stopped at was becoming an island all of our own. This place was ours and whatever it may be that we were partaking in. The trips to cities that were only within reach by the aid of cars that aren’t even suitable in the ghetto. The sharks that she was too scared to swim with and the movies that urged us to “Stay.” All of it was ours and always will be.
Then there was work. 10 hour days that we would make light of, but would end up getting the better of us. The time afterwards that never seemed long enough for us to prepare to do it all over again. But it was a routine. One which came with restraints that constantly reminded us that we were anything but free.
And everything that we left behind. It was the reason we ventured so far from everyone and everything we knew. What seemed so new was all a little to familiar. What would they say? We both knew they would want to know. But what could we possibly tell them. Would we confirm all their preconceived notions of what it was we were actually doing and how could we tell them that we found something more. Or would they prove to us that it never should have been done in the first place. Nonetheless, it was ours and nobody can ever take that away.
The hurt that we were so scared of caught up to us in the end. But in no way can I ever say that it wasn’t worth it. The feeling is still there and my home might still be far from where it should be, but I know where my heart is. I left it out at sea.
Here we are, on the mainland. Things are still hard because no matter what we do we always end up playing this game of wait and see. Its true we’re all a little lost. But we know where we are, because we know we’re all a little lost. And with all of life’s little explorations it should be expected that something will always get left behind. But I will rest assured knowing that you will never be. Because the only thing I can’t replace is you.
Tonight I look back to help make sense of the end and maybe one of these day make peace with the transition. Everything sacred will be waiting for us on the other side.
I will never forget the feeling of leaving in sorrow, only to return with overwhelming joy.
I remember how those closest to me would tell me what an experience this would be. There was such promise in the things I was doing. And they very well could still be right. I had passed and the certification was now in my name. So off to the ship. I knew then that things would never be the same. This is definitely something I never saw myself doing at the sweet age of 18. But I was out there and there was no way back. It was my time and all would work, or at least I would.
If nothing else, I would at least finish. It was orientation time and like I usually do I skipped past the rules and regulations and took them for common logic. I reported for duty and they asked where it was I wanted to be scheduled. As if I had a choice, but probably just the appearance of one. All of the sudden the title of Merchant Marine turned into deck 5 Pot Wash. 6 months of this wouldn’t be so bad. Not much more to do then to get settled.
I was now living the life I dreamed, but something was in the way. To this day, I don’t want to face the facts. So I preoccupied my time thinking of all the places I would go, the people I would meet and the great things I would become. So much could take place in the not so distant future and all I had to do was let go. My mind drifted but as far it would take me was to the days already spent. There was not much I could accomplish in this constant state of change. I was taken back by the words of everyone I had come to love. They said we could be anything, but we are what they gave-everything.
This wasn’t mine and mine alone. This was a world that I had planned on sharing. I wanted a mastermind that could rival my own and a hand to take part in the construction of this new life. But in no way was it because I couldn’t do it alone. I knew what it was like to be lost and to hold on to a secular state. To watch as the pieces fall away as concubines came and went. This was everything I used to be. It was how I waged war against the interpretations of others who probably wanted nothing more then to build to suit. And how I had come to the independence I was so determined on declaring.
Conclusions never really seem to put anything to an end. But as connotations change, so does the scenery. I reached... And found someone who came to a place that brought on a state of being that I didn’t want to leave. Stayed in touch and waited for that phone to ring. And when it did, I was overwhelmed with the claims that were made. I could then see an open state of change and the progress that first made me fall in love with chance. So we plotted and came to a scheme. Innocent as it may be, there were still things that I didn’t want to be seen. And from beneath my minds eye grew the lie that I would feed and in turn consume me.
It worked and she was on her way. But the pressures mounted and I soon came to a hard understanding of what we’re here for. Contracts and pay checks. Steps that come one after another. This was something that I was never ready to accept. It was much easier to run and to watch as everything blurred. Even if I forgot to listen and every word was slurred. At any rate, it was of little or no concern. This is still my favorite page even if it has turned into something with no visible end.
It was apparent that it was coming from both directions. So we compared scars and started to learn the truth that was behind each and every one. And deep down knew that this could become another to add to the collection. The adventure at hand was getting to know the person right in front me. Which is next to impossible when you cant even look at your own reflection and say I know you. But we did anyway and in a way... Gave each other the chance to get to know ourselves.
The ship and each port we stopped at was becoming an island all of our own. This place was ours and whatever it may be that we were partaking in. The trips to cities that were only within reach by the aid of cars that aren’t even suitable in the ghetto. The sharks that she was too scared to swim with and the movies that urged us to “Stay.” All of it was ours and always will be.
Then there was work. 10 hour days that we would make light of, but would end up getting the better of us. The time afterwards that never seemed long enough for us to prepare to do it all over again. But it was a routine. One which came with restraints that constantly reminded us that we were anything but free.
And everything that we left behind. It was the reason we ventured so far from everyone and everything we knew. What seemed so new was all a little to familiar. What would they say? We both knew they would want to know. But what could we possibly tell them. Would we confirm all their preconceived notions of what it was we were actually doing and how could we tell them that we found something more. Or would they prove to us that it never should have been done in the first place. Nonetheless, it was ours and nobody can ever take that away.
The hurt that we were so scared of caught up to us in the end. But in no way can I ever say that it wasn’t worth it. The feeling is still there and my home might still be far from where it should be, but I know where my heart is. I left it out at sea.
Here we are, on the mainland. Things are still hard because no matter what we do we always end up playing this game of wait and see. Its true we’re all a little lost. But we know where we are, because we know we’re all a little lost. And with all of life’s little explorations it should be expected that something will always get left behind. But I will rest assured knowing that you will never be. Because the only thing I can’t replace is you.
Tonight I look back to help make sense of the end and maybe one of these day make peace with the transition. Everything sacred will be waiting for us on the other side.
I will never forget the feeling of leaving in sorrow, only to return with overwhelming joy.