Previously Long Engaged
Drifting relatives, one by one. There goes another. And as for him, he was part of the family for sometime but not a long time (just long enough to be able to say I knew him or maybe even loved him). Separate lives call for a gathering where the news is tossed amongst the salad and the details of who did who, who made what and what they have become have mostly been emptied by the time it reaches the end of the table. But we eat and eat and eat. We eat so much... that by the time you’re done you feel as empty as the day you begun.
When growing amongst giants, height is the means to no end. Accurately proportioned we march on-two by two to the promise land. He said, she said. Restitution-they both say. There goes another, but I remain.
I had to know what it’s like to watch as all the beauty in the world blooms in view, how it feels to give yourself away as circumstance unfolds and to about face and ask the question “where are we now.” Even though misunderstood, I took a bow. Looked straight into the eyes of god himself and proclaimed everything all at once in 4 simple words, “I told you so...”
And there I awoke. “I have already been everything, now I want to be a cop.” My wrists hurt. Maybe if I just readjust my weight and turn slightly this way. Fuck, it’s pointless. Arms are better in use anyway. We sat in silence after complimenting his musical taste. “You like that sort of stuff?” Sure. “Tonight you don’t.”
From there on out, I only heard every other word or so. Every time I questioned, tested and tried to acknowledge the world around me, he was there (in so many words) saying, “It’s really happening kid.” The word ‘kid’ lingered in the air for a while. He was accurate in its usage. I was there. Not on my own accord, but because I chose to not be ‘here’ when it mattered the most. I knew what I had to do.
The road home stopped short at the edge of the world and the only thing that narrowed was me. So I waited. Waited for this episode to end and the next to begin. The writing on the wall was the same. There was even a point system. I read on and asked, ‘how it could all be so elementary?’ This was nothing more then half way, or somewhere near it. And luckily there’s so much more that comes with just a fuck. If there’s no need, then hello and goodbye. But before you go, there’s more we need to know. Stand up straight and smile. I usually don’t smile in pictures and this was no exception. He asked for my hand, so I gave it to him while it was still in my control. Your name is all you have and it goes everywhere with you, everywhere important. Much like a favorite pair of shoes.
Distance picked me up. I had been laid out, printed and processed-but couldn’t just stop. There was no more itinerary and much of everything that I knew so well seemed so foreign. Let’s pull over for a bit, stop with me and have a drink. There’s no use. It’s me who’s always on the menu.
Say it once, say it twice. The world begins to repeat itself and I know, you know that there’s no where to go except to the lives once lived, where the demons feed and the angels breed. The need was something more of a whim and again, it’s a story of her and him. It started to split, right down the middle. It hit like a ton of bricks. Harder then any drug. I had nothing more to say then it’s already been said an they knew then that I hadn’t returned.
One by one, the fingers curled up into the palm of what once was a hand promising the world. There was nothing to do but count. The first went by pretty fast and the second just seemed repetitive. On it went, until there was nothing left except a frenzy of empty fists. I pleaded the fifth and remembered I knew how to walk and on I went. I began to see worlds outside of my own that I knew nothing of. Just a glimpse of the strings that hold each and everyone one of us up. Everything said in between urged me to make the call. But all the offers seemed the same, full of holes so I let it ride and bet it all.
In a moment of truth I realized grace is more then just a place. So I listened real hard and all I heard was the subtle roar of the tide. Then a voice. And as it became clear another washed it out. I was pulled between the two voices and I began to forget what I had come here for . One always in response to the other. I tried to stay clear but was taken in by a scenario we all play a part in.
Make the call. But, we... There’s no we and there’s nothing more important then where I need you to take me. Just don’t hurt them. Them? Them. There’s no them, there’s only you and I. We? Democracy is a thing of the past. Not democracy, but uh... God damn it, make the call. Why? Don’t ask me that, you know I don’t know. No, I mean why do you do this? Not now, don’t take this here. Fine-so be it. What? So be it. I knew it. (You knew nothing) This will be the day. I don’t have all day. Okay, okay. So? Just remember I love you and nobody can ever take that away. Fine, lets go. Hold on. What now? I don’t know. Either we do it or we don’t. We’re doing it. Just-just give me a second. We can’t wait any longer. It’ll happen when Im good and ready. Ha, you can’t. Watch me. I’m watching. Shut up or it won’t happen. It won’t happen with you just standing there. Fuck you, lets do it already. I’m waiting. I don’t need this. And I do? I knew you were no good. Shut up. To old and.. That’s enough. It’s not over until I say its over. You wouldn’t know what to do without me. You? Yeah, me. You have no idea who you are? Who I am? Yeah, who are you? Who are you? You? You...
Both the beach and the ocean spoke too fast and too loud that the only thing on the edge conception was the tide as it gave itself away. Put them together and they prove all of existence, nothing more and nothing less. However these are the things you can’t say. Spoken and felt but passed on. Forever universal...
For now, this shade of grey has two faces-all around and somewhere within. Punctuation becomes the borderline of insanity and the decision will always remain same. So instead I took comfort in watching the many empty street signs grow in both directions. It felt as though the world stood still and I was the one spinning. Round you go ‘till three words roll, ‘be here now.’
The road to success is rather vague if you have no idea the order of succession. Since I had no where to go I stayed with the eldest of conception and tried to learn all that I could. I was hooked up or so it seemed. The bills mounted and often needed more then I could give. Schedules clashed and when they overlapped, there was no turning back. Expectations were crushed over and over again, leaving each and everyone staring straight into a void. I knew it wouldn’t last and I was ready to move on. As fast as I had walked out the door, I was back inside that demanding house. In and out, I just kept coming back.
In the mean time I began to love and hate those closest to me. They developed in a way that always kept you guessing. Something always tipped the scales, but it was just enough to keep us going. This home was slowing becoming the home I once knew. I was inches away from my own independence and I was ready to give it away just so I could continue to hold on. Then everything began to catch up to me and when it did time seem to drag by as it all stopped for him.
"It'll all work out." And so it did. But none the less, Im left to fill in the blanks. Three minutes late... Could it have been possibly so if I was here then, as opposed to now as I question when? The decision has been reached and it seems so long ago. One shot. One... shot... to forever taint the lines of men and redefine the sacred sin. She wanted to hold him and I wanted nothing more then to let her. We ended up holding each other. There was nothing more to say then, "For the kids."
Someone had to make the call. 'I would like to report...' and so I did. It wasn't me on that phone barely standing by the truck with the open door. It wasn't me waiting for the door to slam shut concealing the whole bloody mess and it sure as hell wasn't me looking into a hole no larger then the size of a small marble piercing the left temple of man I once called my friend.
Main Entry: emer·gen·cy
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -cies
1 : an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action
2 : an urgent need for assistance or relief
Medical assistance was out of the question, but was still a question not answered. Even though assistance couldn't have been the case, for I knew as well as anyone else that this was a man fully relieved of his own. Hope inspired a barrage of plea's and something far more frightening then death kept my hand from coming in contact with his, life.
It’s funny to think that a phrase like, "I'll see you when I see you" could become your last words.
So here I am and its near impossible to find words besetting for an occasion such as this. This, well this is something we all knew we would have to deal with but there is no clear cut guide for how to deal with it. It’s phrases like, “times like these” that play over and over in your head. Its easy to point the finger and demand that the forfeit be payed. However, heaven’s one dice roll away and if we’re lucky the tide will be on our side.
I’ve hugged the shore and let my thoughts drift out to sea. I know so much, but so little about you. Some nights we indulge and other nights we eat nothing but lead. As long as we continue to project everything we know to be real, Ill be here and god I hope you’ll be there. One of these days we’ll meet somewhere in the middle.
I have never felt more apart of the family. Only now can I laugh at the functional dissonance of a home built by those naturally unstable. I set out for an alternative to this life and found myself.
When growing amongst giants, height is the means to no end. Accurately proportioned we march on-two by two to the promise land. He said, she said. Restitution-they both say. There goes another, but I remain.
I had to know what it’s like to watch as all the beauty in the world blooms in view, how it feels to give yourself away as circumstance unfolds and to about face and ask the question “where are we now.” Even though misunderstood, I took a bow. Looked straight into the eyes of god himself and proclaimed everything all at once in 4 simple words, “I told you so...”
And there I awoke. “I have already been everything, now I want to be a cop.” My wrists hurt. Maybe if I just readjust my weight and turn slightly this way. Fuck, it’s pointless. Arms are better in use anyway. We sat in silence after complimenting his musical taste. “You like that sort of stuff?” Sure. “Tonight you don’t.”
From there on out, I only heard every other word or so. Every time I questioned, tested and tried to acknowledge the world around me, he was there (in so many words) saying, “It’s really happening kid.” The word ‘kid’ lingered in the air for a while. He was accurate in its usage. I was there. Not on my own accord, but because I chose to not be ‘here’ when it mattered the most. I knew what I had to do.
The road home stopped short at the edge of the world and the only thing that narrowed was me. So I waited. Waited for this episode to end and the next to begin. The writing on the wall was the same. There was even a point system. I read on and asked, ‘how it could all be so elementary?’ This was nothing more then half way, or somewhere near it. And luckily there’s so much more that comes with just a fuck. If there’s no need, then hello and goodbye. But before you go, there’s more we need to know. Stand up straight and smile. I usually don’t smile in pictures and this was no exception. He asked for my hand, so I gave it to him while it was still in my control. Your name is all you have and it goes everywhere with you, everywhere important. Much like a favorite pair of shoes.
Distance picked me up. I had been laid out, printed and processed-but couldn’t just stop. There was no more itinerary and much of everything that I knew so well seemed so foreign. Let’s pull over for a bit, stop with me and have a drink. There’s no use. It’s me who’s always on the menu.
Say it once, say it twice. The world begins to repeat itself and I know, you know that there’s no where to go except to the lives once lived, where the demons feed and the angels breed. The need was something more of a whim and again, it’s a story of her and him. It started to split, right down the middle. It hit like a ton of bricks. Harder then any drug. I had nothing more to say then it’s already been said an they knew then that I hadn’t returned.
One by one, the fingers curled up into the palm of what once was a hand promising the world. There was nothing to do but count. The first went by pretty fast and the second just seemed repetitive. On it went, until there was nothing left except a frenzy of empty fists. I pleaded the fifth and remembered I knew how to walk and on I went. I began to see worlds outside of my own that I knew nothing of. Just a glimpse of the strings that hold each and everyone one of us up. Everything said in between urged me to make the call. But all the offers seemed the same, full of holes so I let it ride and bet it all.
In a moment of truth I realized grace is more then just a place. So I listened real hard and all I heard was the subtle roar of the tide. Then a voice. And as it became clear another washed it out. I was pulled between the two voices and I began to forget what I had come here for . One always in response to the other. I tried to stay clear but was taken in by a scenario we all play a part in.
Make the call. But, we... There’s no we and there’s nothing more important then where I need you to take me. Just don’t hurt them. Them? Them. There’s no them, there’s only you and I. We? Democracy is a thing of the past. Not democracy, but uh... God damn it, make the call. Why? Don’t ask me that, you know I don’t know. No, I mean why do you do this? Not now, don’t take this here. Fine-so be it. What? So be it. I knew it. (You knew nothing) This will be the day. I don’t have all day. Okay, okay. So? Just remember I love you and nobody can ever take that away. Fine, lets go. Hold on. What now? I don’t know. Either we do it or we don’t. We’re doing it. Just-just give me a second. We can’t wait any longer. It’ll happen when Im good and ready. Ha, you can’t. Watch me. I’m watching. Shut up or it won’t happen. It won’t happen with you just standing there. Fuck you, lets do it already. I’m waiting. I don’t need this. And I do? I knew you were no good. Shut up. To old and.. That’s enough. It’s not over until I say its over. You wouldn’t know what to do without me. You? Yeah, me. You have no idea who you are? Who I am? Yeah, who are you? Who are you? You? You...
Both the beach and the ocean spoke too fast and too loud that the only thing on the edge conception was the tide as it gave itself away. Put them together and they prove all of existence, nothing more and nothing less. However these are the things you can’t say. Spoken and felt but passed on. Forever universal...
For now, this shade of grey has two faces-all around and somewhere within. Punctuation becomes the borderline of insanity and the decision will always remain same. So instead I took comfort in watching the many empty street signs grow in both directions. It felt as though the world stood still and I was the one spinning. Round you go ‘till three words roll, ‘be here now.’
The road to success is rather vague if you have no idea the order of succession. Since I had no where to go I stayed with the eldest of conception and tried to learn all that I could. I was hooked up or so it seemed. The bills mounted and often needed more then I could give. Schedules clashed and when they overlapped, there was no turning back. Expectations were crushed over and over again, leaving each and everyone staring straight into a void. I knew it wouldn’t last and I was ready to move on. As fast as I had walked out the door, I was back inside that demanding house. In and out, I just kept coming back.
In the mean time I began to love and hate those closest to me. They developed in a way that always kept you guessing. Something always tipped the scales, but it was just enough to keep us going. This home was slowing becoming the home I once knew. I was inches away from my own independence and I was ready to give it away just so I could continue to hold on. Then everything began to catch up to me and when it did time seem to drag by as it all stopped for him.
"It'll all work out." And so it did. But none the less, Im left to fill in the blanks. Three minutes late... Could it have been possibly so if I was here then, as opposed to now as I question when? The decision has been reached and it seems so long ago. One shot. One... shot... to forever taint the lines of men and redefine the sacred sin. She wanted to hold him and I wanted nothing more then to let her. We ended up holding each other. There was nothing more to say then, "For the kids."
Someone had to make the call. 'I would like to report...' and so I did. It wasn't me on that phone barely standing by the truck with the open door. It wasn't me waiting for the door to slam shut concealing the whole bloody mess and it sure as hell wasn't me looking into a hole no larger then the size of a small marble piercing the left temple of man I once called my friend.
Main Entry: emer·gen·cy
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -cies
1 : an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action
2 : an urgent need for assistance or relief
Medical assistance was out of the question, but was still a question not answered. Even though assistance couldn't have been the case, for I knew as well as anyone else that this was a man fully relieved of his own. Hope inspired a barrage of plea's and something far more frightening then death kept my hand from coming in contact with his, life.
It’s funny to think that a phrase like, "I'll see you when I see you" could become your last words.
So here I am and its near impossible to find words besetting for an occasion such as this. This, well this is something we all knew we would have to deal with but there is no clear cut guide for how to deal with it. It’s phrases like, “times like these” that play over and over in your head. Its easy to point the finger and demand that the forfeit be payed. However, heaven’s one dice roll away and if we’re lucky the tide will be on our side.
I’ve hugged the shore and let my thoughts drift out to sea. I know so much, but so little about you. Some nights we indulge and other nights we eat nothing but lead. As long as we continue to project everything we know to be real, Ill be here and god I hope you’ll be there. One of these days we’ll meet somewhere in the middle.
I have never felt more apart of the family. Only now can I laugh at the functional dissonance of a home built by those naturally unstable. I set out for an alternative to this life and found myself.