(no subject)
I'm up and want to sleep. I seem to only be able to think thoughts about my mother and the effect I have over me when she acts out. I feel disempowered by her, and I see how she disempowers or tries to disempower the other men she is with. It is almost condescending I think to be so disempowering then to try to be all affectionate with me. I want out. I want to be left alone so I can heal. I don't know where to turn though, that I would be able to accomplish that. It seems like I believe that I'm entitled to a situation where my parents are examples of unconditionality and empowerment. I once felt really good about what I was doing for the house, but it seems like my mother is intimidated by it. She thinks that if I arrange the furniture a certain way or have certain expectations about the upkeep of the house that I am suddenly in direct competition of the very thing, with the exception of the furniture, that is in her name. I wish she would get deployed, or I would be freed. I want to be elsewhere exploring. I want to be elsewhere away. I want to be where my creativity and expression is appreciated and valuable.
Sometimes, I'll be having drinks with my mother and if Robert is there and he says something that she didn't understand the full capacity of, instead of having an "ah ha" moment when it is explained more precisely to her, she says that Robert and I are ganging up on her. Isn't that stupid? it is emotional abuse even. She has taken two men who are being kind to her, and welcomed her into the understanding and blamed us for her feeling of insufficiency. Am I taking after her? am I blaming her, because of my feelings? Am I blind to something? Is there something I can do? an awareness that is helpful to me? Am I blaming others for my problems and then seeing evidence of it in others like Patti Richard Cherie and Mom? Is this the meaning in accountability that I've been looking for? How am I accountable? I understand. I am getting another job and leaving. I can see how I would want to overcome my parents. I can see I have this. I am.
Sometimes, I'll be having drinks with my mother and if Robert is there and he says something that she didn't understand the full capacity of, instead of having an "ah ha" moment when it is explained more precisely to her, she says that Robert and I are ganging up on her. Isn't that stupid? it is emotional abuse even. She has taken two men who are being kind to her, and welcomed her into the understanding and blamed us for her feeling of insufficiency. Am I taking after her? am I blaming her, because of my feelings? Am I blind to something? Is there something I can do? an awareness that is helpful to me? Am I blaming others for my problems and then seeing evidence of it in others like Patti Richard Cherie and Mom? Is this the meaning in accountability that I've been looking for? How am I accountable? I understand. I am getting another job and leaving. I can see how I would want to overcome my parents. I can see I have this. I am.