Roxas' Diary
Day 358 1: A new world
I went back to the castle, but not to rejoin the Organization. I was going to attack Xemnas and find out the truth about myself, but somehow I ended up in a whole other world. It's a city called Siren's Pot in a place called Canada.
There are people here who talk like they know me, but I don't know them. I can't trust them. I need to find a way back. Xemnas can't have Kingdom Hearts. He can't.
Day 3: No Hearts
The monsters that appear after the evening siren aren't Heartless. They don't act the same when I fight them with the Keyblade, and no hearts appear after I defeat them.
Does that mean the Keyblade doesn't work in this world? Or do hearts not exist here? That can't be true-I don't have one, and I'm still different from the people who live here.
Day 7: Fake
The Riku person I talked to is the Organization imposter, the one they wanted to stop. I still don't know why he dressed like us, but I didn't ask. It doesn't matter here, and he might lie.
There's another boy who looks just like him, but younger. I don't think they're brothers.
Day 9: Ice cream
I can't find sea-salt bars in the shops I've checked.
It wouldn't be the same, anyway.
Day 10: Same
The younger Riku is a replica. Vexen made him in Castle Oblivion. Is that why everyone went? I don't think that makes sense, but I don't know what they planned there. Maybe they wanted to make more replicas and there was an accident. Why did only Axel come back?
Even if he's the same as Riku, he doesn't talk the same. He's a person, too. It doesn't matter how he was created.
Day 17: Holes in time?
Sometimes people talk like they're from the future. Riku was spying on us, but I know I never met Namine, and she said we'll be friends. Ace said that his little brother was older than he should be here. Time might work differently here. Does that mean the future won't change? Do I have a choice about what to do?
I have to. Even if I can't leave this island, I won't do what anyone else says just because they told me to. I'm going to decide for myself.
Day 19: New work
I got a job. I'm on probation, but if the manager thinks I do a good job this week, he'll hire me as a permanent ticket-taker at the stadium. It's a lot different from the missions I did for the Organization. He isn't anything like Saix.
This must mean I'm really not number XIII anymore. I'm just Roxas.
Day 23: Sea-salt
One of the other newcomers found a store that sells sea-salt ice cream. I bought some and ate it. It doesn't taste exactly the same, but it's still salty and sweet, and good.
Day 24: Tamaki
I have new clothes now.
I don't want to write about that.
Day 29: The truth
I know who Sora is. Riku told me I'm his Nobody. That's how we're connected. Does that mean I used to be Sora, when I had a heart? How could I be him if he got his heart back and was the same person as before? I don't understand. I wish I could ask Axel about this, but he probably wouldn't tell me the truth.
Maybe it's a bad idea, but I'm going to move in with Joe and Riku. Joe is my friend, and at least Riku doesn't pretend that he is. His best friend is someone else.
Day 30: Return
Vexen is here. Does that mean he wasn't terminated at Castle Oblivion? But he acts like that just happened. Maybe time really doesn't work right here. But I won't believe that means my future is already decided.
He said Axel is a traitor. But that's not right. He obeyed the Organization. I'm the traitor.
Day 31: The new girl
Riku's friend was pulled here. Her name is Kairi. She knows Sora and she said she talked to me once, but in her head. I know I can't do that, but she seemed sure. I didn't tell her about how I'm connected to Sora.
She's familiar, though. When I look at her I feel like I met her before, but when I try to remember my head starts to hurt. Like with Namine.
Day 33: Someone sent a picture
Why would someone send a picture of a key to me? The Keyblade isn't a secret. Maybe it doesn't mean anything.
Day 37: The cat I found...
The cat I met outside the stadium was really friendly. Why doesn't he have a home? I gave him some of my sandwich and everyone says he's my responsibility now. But I don't know how to take care of a cat.
Vexen isn't the only Organization member here. Zexion is too. He sent that picture. I'm not going to tell Riku and Joe yet. I want to know what he wants with me first. Why are the only ones here the ones who died?
Day 46: Dinner
Cats don't like peanut butter.
Zexion invited me to have dinner with him and whoever he's with this weekend. I'm going, I guess. It doesn't make sense for him to set up a fight. Riku wouldn't like it, but he's not in charge of me.
Day 49: Former comrades
I met Zexion. Lexaeus was with him. They really are alive. The food was good. They're worried about what SERO might do with Nobodies. I don't want to be friends with them, but they're right that we're the same. No one should have to be experiments. If the companies targeted us, maybe I would help them.
Now that I know, I should tell Riku and Joe. But I'm not sure how.
Day 52: Organization XIII
I told Riku about Zexion and Lexaeus, but he already knew. He didn't tell either! But I knew longer. He wasn't happy, but he wasn't mad. I thought he would be.
He told me some things, too. He said Axel left the Organization a week after me, even though I was here a week after I left. Time stuff again. Why would Axel do that? I want to believe him, but Riku doesn't know Axel like I do. I can't forget how he lied to me. But I wish I could ask him if Riku is telling the truth. I wish I could ask him why.
Day 53: Movies
I don't know anything people are supposed to know. Does Sora know everything? Every time I talk to Tamaki, I feel stupid. But he's nice, and shows me things. Movies are cool. Maybe I'll go again next week.
Day 58: No more secrets
Joe found out about Zexion and Lexaeus. He got really mad, and my throat felt all tight. I don't want to lie to anyone. We talked about it so we'll still be friends, but I don't like that we fought. Riku was all calm about it. Why's he good at that? But it helped. I guess maybe Riku is my friend, too, but not because of Sora.
Zexion is a jerk.
Day 59: Xact
I have a cat now. He liked the cherry I brought him from Grayson's Orchards. He really likes it when I let him sleep on my lap and pet him, so I keep doing it. It's nice. Can a cat be a friend, too?
Day 60: Names
S O R A X
R O X A S
Day 63: Families
Jinx was asking about moms. I don't have one-Nobodies don't have parents. That's another way we're not normal, but I don't feel like I need one.
Day 65: Cooking class
I like sandwiches, but there are lots of kinds of food I can't make. I want to learn things. Kairi and I are going to take a cooking class together. Maybe we can make a really good dinner for Joe, Riku and Namine later. I'm not sure if Kairi knows about me and Sora yet. But we can probably be friends anyway.
Day 70: Other
Sora was pulled here today. I left as soon as I heard on the NV. I never thought that much about what would happen if he came, but I knew I didn't want to meet him. I don't. Because if he's me, then who am I? Should I even exist? Riku says we're different, but it's not that simple. We are different. But maybe we're not supposed to be.
Day 74: Missing
Kairi's gone. No one knows if that means something bad happened to her or if she found a way out or...
We looked all night and today too but she's not here. We didn't even get to go one cooking class together.
I don't know what to think.
Day 77: Axel's here
Now Axel got pulled too! Is this going to happen every week? I didn't tell him it was me when we talked over the NV, but then he saw me over by the newcomer apartments. I guess I wanted him to. We got in a big fight, and he said all this confusing stuff. I think most of it was to make me mad-that's the kind of thing he does.
I really wanted to talk to him. I miss the way things used to be. But I can't just forget about what happened. It's not as simple as him hurting my feelings, no matter what Riku said. Can things ever be the same between us? I don't know.
Day 79: Sora
I felt really restless last night, so I went to to the North Point Carnival. I made sure to stay far enough away that I wouldn't get caught like with Axel, but I did see Sora in person for the first time.
...it was weird. He really does look a lot like me. I left after a little while.
Day 81: Everything's messed up
The island had a big earthquake and a lot of the buildings are broken now. Our new apartment is okay, but the newcomers' and a lot of other ones aren't. The darkness can get in now. I've been out fighting them off. Sora and Axel, too.
I don't want to fight with Sora. But it was okay to fight with Axel again.
Day 84: Rebuilding
I haven't had much to write about. Things are going, I guess. Everyone's working hard to fix things. I haven't gotten much sleep, and I don't think Riku's gotten any, but the laundromat apartment is his now, so maybe he has.
Sometimes I think about why I help. It's not because I love this place. Even if I could, it's not precious to me. But I keep thinking it's just the right thing to do.
I wonder if that's normal, for a Nobody.
Day 86: First birthday
I've existed for longer than a year now. I don't know if the day I was created counts as being 'born.' But when I came back to the new apartment tonight, Riku and Joe had gotten me a late birthday present-the skateboard I've been saving up for. I didn't expect that at all! They didn't need to do it. I'm not sure I understand why they decided to. But I'm really glad they did.
I've never had a present before. I'm going to take really good care of it.
Day 88: Holes in my memory
I went skating last night and I woke up at Riku's. Vexen brought me there. I sort of remembering falling, and my head hurting before I fell, but that's it. He was trying to convince me I didn't remember meeting another Nobody a few weeks before, even though that never happened, but now I really can't remember something!
I'm trying not to act weird and make everyone worry, but it's hard. I didn't get the memories I should have had when I was created as a Nobody, and now the memories that I do have aren't safe either? He might try to mess with Joe or Namine next, too. I keep thinking I should ask Axel what he remembers but I'm not sure how to talk to him anymore.
My head hurts. I'll write more later.
Day 90: Calm
Nothing else has happened. People are starting to get back to normal, even if lots of places are still messed up and people are still getting sick. I guess it's not possible to stay shocked forever.
I don't have anything else to say now.
Day 93: Kitten
I want to talk to Axel again. I'm still mad, but I guess I don't want to be forever. Maybe we can be friends again if he tells me the truth this time. I just don't know how to say it. I could tell him what he just wrote, but that sounds dumb.
Finding Xact helped me figure some things out about people and how they act. Animals aren't that different. Maybe it could be like that for him, too. He wouldn't have to keep everything to himself all the time. And it's fun to play with cats.
It might not be a good idea but I'm going to do it.
Day 94: Best friends
Me and Axel finally sat and talked about all the stuff that happened. He told me the truth this time; about Castle Oblivion, about me and Sora, about him leaving the Organization after I did.
He did some really bad things. But he's not the only one, and he tried to fix it in the end. It's complicated, but best friends can deal with complicated.
Day 97: Up high
I finally found a good place to have ice cream and watch the city at the same time. It's not as good as the clock tower in Twilight Town, but it's probably the best I can do here. I'll show it to Joe, but maybe I can have ice cream here with Axel, too. I don't think Joe would like it if I brought Axel to the fire escape so we could all eat it.
This could be a problem if me and Axel go back to our old routine. I don't have ice cream with Joe every day, but it's still a lot...maybe I could have it twice if I skip lunch.
Day 99: That was a bad idea
I'm not going to the carnival again. Sora spotted me in the crowd and started chasing me. It took forever just to get to a place where I could open a portal and get away. At least he didn't see my face. I can blame it on Zexion if anyone asks.
Day 100: Silence
I told Joe that me and Axel are friends again. He didn't yell-he didn't say much at all-but I can tell he didn't like the idea. That makes sense, I know. I probably wouldn't like it either if we switched positions. But I'm not going to stop being friends with either of them. There's more to Axel than he knows.
He did tell that guy starting the coffeehouse that I'm looking for another job, so maybe he's not too mad. I'm going to see him Wednesday and he'll show me how to make drinks and do whatever I'd be doing. Two-full time jobs might be too much, but an extra part-time job might be just enough. It's still hard to fill up the days sometimes. At least I always knew where I was supposed to be when I was part of the Organization.
Day 104: Fireworks
Today there was a big festival for the country this city is part of--Canada Day. It was actually fun, even if Edgeworth got all weird about parades. I met Leon in person and he didn't seem to mind knowing who I really am.
And I ran into Sora. Well, his dog ran into me. We even talked a little, even though it was weird. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but I wish things weren't like this. I wish we were just two separate people who had nothing to do with each other so it wouldn't matter so much whether we talked or didn't talk. I still don't know what to think.
But I'm glad I went. I never saw fireworks before. I'm glad I saw them with my friends.
Day 106: Speak
Sometimes I want to talk to Sora, and other times I don't. And when I do say something to him, even if I'm just writing it down on my NV, it's weird, and I don't feel better afterward. But I don't feel good completely ignoring him, either. Not that I can 'feel' at all, not really. I don't understand why I can't just decide one way or the other and stick with it. If I had a heart, maybe I would. But if I had a heart, I wouldn't be here.
Maybe I'll talk to Axel about it more. He thinks I should just do what I feel is right. Except I don't know, not at all.
I don't want to go back to working for the Organization, ignorant about everything. And I have things here that I wouldn't give up. But sometimes I wish I could go back just to the times when we'd sit around eating ice cream and talking about stupid stuff together. It wasn't so hard then.
Day 107: Xact on catnip
Xact acts really weird after he has some catnip. Not as weird as the videos me and Joe watched tonight, though. But still weird.
I feel a little better now.
Day 111: I'm never drinking again
Iced tea isn't the same as the kind of tea they serve in bars. Ugh. I feel gross today, and last night I looked stupid in front of the whole network, and Riku in person. Why do I keep messing up? I feel so dumb. And I don't get why people drink for fun. It's not fun.
Day 115: Xion
She's here. I remember everything. How could I ever forget? This is what Vexen was talking about all along, Project i-
No. She's not a project. She's my best friend, and she's okay. That's all that matters.
Day 117: Her and me
Xion and I went to visit a beach she heard about and collected some sea shells. We finally talked, too, about what she is, what I am, everything that was happening...I still don't think I completely understand everything, but I understand a lot more. It's probably the best I'll get.
Even knowing what Saix and Xemnas are like, it's hard to see how they could have just used her like that. They made her, but she's more than a puppet. Was Kingdom Hearts really that important to them? Guess so. But none of it was necessary. I wanted a heart, wanted to be whole. I could have gone on collecting hearts forever if things hadn't happened the way they did.
It always comes down to Sora. They wanted to control Sora, or keep him from waking up so they wouldn't have to worry about him. He's the one that matters.
I can't get upset about it, though. It seems stupid now. I shouldn't exist, but at least I had an existence as a real person, once, even if I'm not him anymore. Xion didn't even get that. It's not fair.
Day 120: Where is he?
Axel's been quiet for days now. He hasn't shown up for ice cream and his phone is off. What's with him? I know all the memories of Xion are a lot to deal with, but we're still best friends, the three of us.
Maybe he thinks we'll be mad because of what he did. I was, just a little, when I remembered. But I forgave him already for the stuff I knew about, and now that I understand what he was trying to tell me at the time, I think I get the position he was in.
He made mistakes, but so did I. If I'd had to choose between his life or Xion's, could I have done any better? I don't know. But the three of us can be together now.
Day 122: The carnival chase
Sora found out it was me because Axel finally showed up and has a big mouth. Great. He was really mad, but I don't get it. Why would he expect me to admit to something so dumb? And he said it made him paranoid about the Organization watching him, but doesn't he realize they must be doing that already? Maybe not in person at his job, though.
Now he wants me and Joe to stay away from him because Joe would have said I was with him. I was already doing that! He's the one who wants to be friends. Well, maybe now he won't. I feel bad about getting him upset at Joe, though. He was just trying to help me out.
Day 126: We went shopping today
This afternoon we went out and Xion picked out her new bed. We had to buy some extra stuff to turn Namine's bed into the bottom half of a bunk bed, but it didn't take much longer to put together than Joe's and my bunk beds did. Xion really likes it. I feel better when I see her smile.
We got a bean bag chair for Axel, too, but we didn't tell Joe that it was for him. (That's why it's red.) It's just a bean bag chair for guests to sit on, and us too if we feel like it. Who knows when Axel will even get to use it? It's weird to think of inviting him over, even if Joe says it's okay for ice cream sometime. I think he really doesn't want Axel around, even if he says he doesn't mind, and I don't want to make him feel weird. But Axel's my best friend, too. He should get to visit me and Xion and Xact. I want to see his cat again, too. I wonder if he gave it a name yet?
Day 128: Girls
Is it really that weird that I don't think about whether girls are pretty? I don't know...I guess I think Namine looks nicer in her dresses than she would in Joe's clothes. I don't think it's important what people look like, anyway. Just who they are.
At least me, Axel and Xion had fun for her birthday. Maybe it's not a real birthday since none of us were really born, but it's been a year since we met her, not counting the time we spent not remembering her. I had a really good time. There's a lot to do at the carnival, and it feels like we tried everything at least once. But it was having all three of us there that made it special. Axel said once that we're inseparable, even if we can't be around each other, and maybe that's true. But I like it better when we're inseparable and together.
Day 130: My dreams changed
Sometimes I feel more like a real person because my dreams are more normal now. They don't always make sense, and that makes sense. That's what those guys at Kahve said, anyway. I still dream about Sora sometimes, though. Not every night, and not as intense. I guess because Xion's not absorbing his memories through me anymore. But it does still happen.
It's funny...when I dream about him, I don't think about the problems we have here or worry about why I exist. It's like I know what's going to happen even though I don't really. Maybe because I dream of memories that used to be mine. Me, but not me. That's what I don't think Riku and them don't really understand. We're separate now, but if I look back, where does he stop and where do I begin? I'm still working on that.
Day 134: Axel's here
He got kicked out of his apartment because he spent his munny on Xion's birthday. That makes it my fault, because I knew he didn't have a job and I still said we should go. Maybe if he'd been better at that game where he won Xion, but still. It's a really good bear. Anyway, I can't kick him out. He's my friend and he has a kitten. (When's he going to name it?) I like having him around, and so does Xion. I even think Namine likes him.
Joe really hates him. This is going to be hard.
Day 135: I talked to Riku
He helped Xion, but he also wanted her to go away, because it would help Sora. And she wanted to go away, because it would help me. I think I'd be angrier at him if it wouldn't mean being angry at Xion, too, and if I didn't already know him. I don't think he's a bad person. I think we were just doing our best for our friends. It's not his fault. It's the Organization's.
Riku also said that I love Xion. I don't know. I still don't understand what love is. But I don't ever want her to go away again. It doesn't matter what I call it.
Day 136: Sixteen
Sora turned sixteen years old today. That's so much older than me, but it sort of makes me sixteen, too. At least as far as other people think, since we're 'twins.' I'm not sure if this is my real birthday and the other one a fake, or the other way around. What matters more, the life that came first or the life that's mine now? I think the one I still have.
I got him a present, one of those jerseys from a gift shop at Grant. It's cool, I guess. It wasn't cheap but I didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for him. I'm still not sure why I did it. It just felt like I should do something, so I did. I left it in his apartment without a note, though, because he might think I want to be friends if I did, and I don't.
Day 138: Riots
Xion got hurt in the gas attack during the riots the other night, and Axel some too because he went to try and help her. They're okay, but I stayed home and tried to take care of them, but then he wouldn't let me anyway. So I guess that means he really is fine. But I still feel bad. Xion's not helpless, but I should be doing a better job of taking care of her. Some friend I am. Maybe we'll all feel better if we make the camp food tonight.
Day 140: If girls ask me if they're pretty
I should say yes.
Why would they ask, though?
Day 142: Movie competition
Joe's helping Sander Cohen with an entry for the contest. I said I'd help too, even though I don't know anything about movies. I just don't think it's right that that guy in the news should win. He says we can't ever understand each other, all the newcomers and the people who already lived here, but how does he know? He never talked to anyone I know.
Day 146: Meeting with Sora
I talked to Xion about how it would probably be a good idea for Sora to know the truth about her because she won't have to be so nervous and he deserves to know. And we know it's safe, since they were close together during the riot and they're still both fine. And she thought the same thing, so we did.
It was okay. He knows, and I told him he doesn't have to avoid me all the time. I don't really want to be his friend, or be around him...but we're both here, and it doesn't do any good to pretend we're not. So I guess I'll be seeing him around sometimes. I'll deal with it. I've still got Axel and Xion, and Joe. They understand. So I'll be okay.
Day 150: Heat wave
It's too hot to write anything.
Day 151: Something's wrong with Riku
His crazy boss at the theater got all upset because Riku yelled at him and called him "crazy cakes." That doesn't even sound like Riku. And now Sora's upset because he hasn't been answering his voicemail. He gets quiet sometimes, but if they didn't have a fight, why would he be avoiding Sora?
Day 154: Riku's back
The Organization took him.
Day 156: The Organization
Riku told us what happened to him. They kept him chained up for a week, a prisoner. None of us have seen them around lately, and that must be why. They know better than to show their faces around here now.
When he told us about it, my stomach got all tight. I know it doesn't have anything to do with me, and I didn't know any of the ones here very long before they all died at Castle Oblivion. They'd be interested in Riku anyway because he worked against the Organization. But it's still hard, like I ate something bad. I knew the Organization was bad news, but I hoped maybe these ones weren't as bad as Xemnas and Saix. I should have known better than to believe in what we were doing that whole time. Except if I'd left earlier, I might not have Axel and Xion with me now. Either way, they had no right to do this.
If I could feel, I'd feel really angry now. Sometimes I think I can.
Day 158: Gone
Sora and I talked some today. He's been to a lot of worlds. He said he met Demyx, too, and I guess all the rest of them. And that means that in the future, the whole Organization is wiped out. I knew he took down Xemnas, and that's good. But some of the others...I don't know.
It was like being homesick, in a weird way. I wouldn't go back to the Organization even if I could, but sometimes I still miss the simpler days when me, Axel and Xion could sit on the tower and have ice cream together, and nothing so bad had happened. I used to believe I was doing the right thing for me by helping the Organization reach its goals. It was easier then.
Almost everyone I ever knew is gone in Sora's time. I don't know what to think of that.
Day 163: Joe's movie
It's coming along really well, from what he says. They got a little behind because of what happened to Riku, but now it's back on track. He's working really hard. I never cared about movies before, even though I liked the ones Tamaki showed me, but I hope he and Sander Cohen win. They probably deserve it after working so hard.
I wonder what it's like to care about something so much that you'll work harder than anything to make it good.
Day 168: Feeling
I told Zexion that sometimes I think I can feel. He said I can't, and he's probably right. I don't even remember what it's like to be able to feel, so this is probably something else. But...sometimes I wonder. Because it doesn't seem like not feeling, either.
Either way, I want to know how other people think and feel. There's so much I still don't understand. Me and Riku are going to study that stuff together, like school, but with just us. He said he has a textbook we can do, so it won't cost as much munny as school. I think he's mostly doing it for me, but he doesn't know everything (even if he acts like it sometimes) so maybe we'll both learn.
Day 174: Winner ran off
Axel was out with Winner and she got lost when he was fighting something. We've got to find her. She's so little, and...she's important. When I gave her to him, we were friends again.
I'm going to go look for her.
Day 177: Good and bad
Me and Axel had ice cream on the fire escape and I told him about what happened that last day, when Xion and I fought. It was hard. I hate thinking about it, but I can't forget. And I shouldn't. But I felt a little better after he knew everything. He says it wasn't my fault, but I don't know about that. I'm still glad he's not mad that I didn't find another way.
Riku found Winner, and Joe's movie won the film competition. So good things happened too.
Day 182: ...
Sora's gone.
I thought I would feel it.
I wasn't ready.
Day 183: Terra
Some guy on the network heard me and started calling me by someone else's name. "Ven." His friend, I guess, but I'm not Ven, or Ventus, or whatever his name is. I got really mad when he started talking about my heart. Riku too-they know each other, somehow. He must be crazy or something. I'm just Roxas.
Day 188: Everything's messed up
Zexion's a jerk. I'm not relieved that Sora's gone. I'm not! I didn't want him to just disappear. That doesn't help anything. And I'm not just a piece of him! I shouldn't have listened to anything he said. Afterward I was out all night fighting monsters. Now Xion's mad because I didn't tell anyone I was going when we're all trying to be careful because of what happened to Sora. I hate this.
Day 191: This is getting creepy
Terra came to Kahve today and waited for me to come out so he could follow me home. I don't get him. I can't possibly be his friend, but he won't listen to me, not even when I told him I don't have a heart. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but he uses the Keyblade too. He knew Xemnas before he was Xemnas.
I think I feel bad for him, a little. It's awful to lose your friends and think you'll never get them back. But I can't be the person he wants me to be.
Day 196: Even more messed up
Terra started talking on the network about how people's memories can get messed up-he thinks mine were messed with and that's why I don't remember him, but he's the one who can't remember everything! Then he saw Xion, but he didn't see her. He saw...me, I guess, since we're connected, but he still thinks I'm his friend, so he thought-ugh, it's a mess.
Xion got freaked out and ran away. At least Terra sent his dog to try and help track her down. It's the least he could do. Riku found her, but I don't know how to make her feel better. I don't know how to fix this.
Day 201: Kairi and holidays
Kairi's back. She doesn't remember anything about being here before, but she's okay. She knew about me, too, without me having to tell her-does that mean she went on back home for a while before getting pulled again? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm glad she's okay.
It was a good day, but a weird one, too. Halloween isn't just a town; it's a holiday, too! Instead of every day being creepy, it's just one, and people get to dress up and get free candy. It's really weird to think of it being a day and not a place, but kind of cool, too.
Day 205: Halloween costumes
I'm going to be a pirate. But Xion and I are going to try to get Axel to be a clown. This'll be really funny.
Day 212: The party at 24
It was a lot of fun.
And Axel made a great clown.
Day 219: Halloween is cool
It's not even here yet, but everyone's having fun. We carved some pumpkins and made them food and decorations, but we gave the food part to the soup kitchen. Joe, Tamaki and I are going to be a pirate crew on the actual day, and we'll go trick or treating and do some other things. I guess I must have lived through a Halloween when I was with the Organization, since I was there for a year, but we never had any holidays. This is better.
Terra apologized to me. I'm not exactly sure what to think, but he does seem like an okay guy when he's not acting crazy over me looking like his friend. He seems sad. I told him some things about Xion, and Sora and Riku and everyone. For once, I'm the one from someone's future.
I'm not sure if we'll be friends, but we don't need to be enemies. I hope someone can help him be happier, even if I can't.
Day 221: Aqua
That girl Terra mentioned, his other friend-Aqua. She showed up on the network today. She thought I was Ven, too. I hardly said anything and she was still convinced it was him.
Does this mean Terra's not just crazy? How can that even work? I am Sora's Nobody, aren't I? I have to be. I remember pieces of being him, and everyone remembers me. This doesn't make sense.
Day 224: Sick
Ugh. Trick or treating is about taking candy from strangers, but you shouldn't take it from all strangers. Some people messed with candy they were giving out, and a bunch of people got sick, included me. I felt funny, all jumpy and awake, and I kept bleeding. Gross. Axel and Riku treated me like a little kid over it. I feel a little better now, though.
Day 226: Halloween's done
I had a really good time. I hope it can be like this every year. I'm never going to finish all this candy, though.
Day 230: Another earthquake
It wasn't as bad as the last one, but it still messed some things up, and more of our dishes broke. Maybe we should start buying paper plates.
Day 232: The core
The news says they found it and everyone's freaking out. Does that mean they can fix it and send people home? Would we have to go? I can't think about that now. I'm just going to keep looking out for my friends, and they'll look out for me.
Day 235: Stickers
Terra and I talked some more. He's okay.
Day 237: Ventus
He's here. He looks just like me. More than Sora ever did.
I don't know what to think.
Day 239: Meeting
I ran into Ventus on the street. Well, I sort of followed him, but I really didn't mean to. Not like with Axel and Sora. But when I saw him, I couldn't just walk away. Then we got in a fight, but it wasn't much of one. So I took off my hood and we talked instead.
He's...okay. A nice guy. That's good; I wouldn't want someone who looked like me to be a jerk. I can see why Terra and Aqua are good friends with him.
I don't know if I feel better, but it could have been worse.
Day 241: Pizza
I haven't felt like eating much lately, and I guess it caught up to me, because Terra heard my stomach growling when we were talking over the network. It was really embarrassing! But he bought me pizza then, and he wouldn't listen when I said he didn't have to. That was nice of him.
He's different from what I used to think. When I first talked to him, he was a jerk, but now that I've seen Ventus myself, I get why he was so sure I was him. Now that he's not so worried about his friends, he seems like a good guy. I still don't know him that well, but I think I understand him a little. Losing the people you care about can really mess you up.
He also said friends can be like family. If Sora and Ventus are my 'brothers', I could have a really big family.
Day 243: Xehanort
He's here, in Siren's Port. If Riku's right, that means Xemnas is here-before he was Xemnas. He's so old. He doesn't look like the same person at all, but if what Terra and Ventus said about him is true, he acts a lot like him.
I could try to fight him for what he'll do, but what would it help? He doesn't know about me. If I can stay out of his sight, then he won't mess with me or Xion. I don't want to get him interested in what she is.
245: What's Joe thinking?
I don't get him today. I know he hates the scientists and I don't blame him, but sometimes it sounds like he thinks AGI is okay-that maybe things would be all right if they were in charge of everything. But they hurt people. They use people. I know he's not like them, he could get caught up in some bad stuff without meaning to. That makes me really worried, but he probably wouldn't like it if I told him that. It's not like I think he can't look after himself, but-ugh. I don't know.
Day 246: It snowed today
Why would you run out into the snow without a coat or anything?
I gave Ventus an extra coat. I don't know why. I just felt like it, I guess.
Day 251: Ice skating
Some people turned a vacant lot into an ice-skating rink, so I dragged Axel with me. He kept going on about how he's not good with ice because he uses fire, but I think he just didn't want me to see how bad he was at skating. And he was really bad. It was fun to laugh, though, even if he didn't appreciate it.
Day 254: Lea
I found out Axel's name before he had a heart. It was Lea. But I found out from Ventus. He said him and Lea were friends, and I freaked out. All I could think was that he knew who Ven was the whole time-even when he met me, and that's why he decided to be my friend. I thought I was going to be sick.
I went to talk to him. No, I yelled at him. But I did listen, and Joe would probably think I'm being stupid, but I believe that he didn't really remember Ven. If it was just once, years and years ago, and he didn't become a Nobody until after...I don't remember everything important that happened to me. So why would he remember everything that isn't as important?
I told him not to talk to Ven anymore.
256: At Riku's tonight
I was supposed to go over to have dinner and study like usual, but that didn't happen. We still ate, but before we could get to work, he started asking what was wrong and I just fell apart. Joe's hardly home and now Axel is staying away even though he says he's not mad. I know it's because of me, no matter what Riku said, but I don't know what to do about it. I got so upset that Riku actually hugged me. It was weird...but I did feel better afterward.
Day 259: Christmas shopping
Kairi helped me pick out presents today. (But I'm not going to write down what I got people, just in case.) I thought I'd be really hopeless at it but she was good at helping me figure out what people would like. Afterward we ate at her place and she made me laugh. It felt like it had been a while. We were friends when she was here before, but it's been a long time, and this was the first chance we've had to do something fun instead of just working together. She hugged me too. (Is there a sign on my head that says 'Hug Me!'?)
I can see why Sora likes her so much.
Day 261: Today was okay
Axel's going to come home and Joe and I are getting matching presents for Xion. Maybe things will be all right.
Ven asked me why Axel was mad at him, so I told him the truth. I'm not going to make Axel not talk to him anymore. He's still my best friend, not Ven's.
[ TO BE FILLED IN ]
Day 567: Memory
Axel and I hung out for a while today, just me and him. It was nice; kind of like the old days-the ones back when I was with the Organization, and when he was here before. He told me he's starting to get his memories of Xion back, thanks to Namine. It's a secret for now, but I don't mind keeping it, because it's a relief, too. The three of us belong together, but it's better if we all remember why that's true.
Day 571: Halloween again
Everyone's getting ready for Halloween. It's sort of weird to think I've been here long enough to start repeating holidays and things like that. It means I've been here longer than I was with the Organization, even if we didn't celebrate anything then. I don't know what I'll dress up as-it's been too busy at Kahve lately for me to think about it. It'll be fun, though. As long as there's no poisoned candy this time. Or pumpkins bombs.
Day 572: Jinx's baby
Something bad happened and Jinx isn't going to have her anymore. I guess...she died? Can something die before it's really gotten to live yet? It feels really tight inside, like something's squeezing me. I want to help her but there's nothing we can do now. Still, I'll visit her as soon as I can.
I think I would have made a good uncle.
Day 575: Bad dreams
I had an awful nightmare last night. I was in Twilight Town, but it was like no one could see me-like I was invisible. Then I went into one of the tunnels, except it turned into that Hall that Xehanort threw us into. Just me this time, though. Then...I think something bad happened to Xion and Axel. I don't know how, but it did. I started running and then there was a mirror there. Excpet when I looked into it, I saw his face.
I felt a little better in the morning when I talked to Joe, but I didn't tell what I dreamed. I don't want anyone to know I still worry about that.
Day 578: More dreams and pizza rolls
It turns out those bad dreams weren't just my dreams; everyone's having the same nightmares. They're awful. I don't want to see them, and I don't want to see theirs, but there's nothing I can do. It feels like I've been having other people's dreams my whole life.
Ven and I made pizza rolls, though. I was in a better mood after that. And I talked to Sora for the first time in a while. It was okay.
Day 580: Rude people
Ugh, no one's sleeping well because of the nightmares, and a lot of people are trying to use caffeine to not sleep, so Kahve's been really crowded. I don't mind the extra business, but some people are jerks. I told Kairi she can kick them out if she wants.
Day 587: Back to normal
The dreams stopped. I don't know why, but I don't really care, either. We're getting ready for Halloween again, and that'll be fun. Me and Kairi will be pirates again. I don't mind having her as a captain.
Day 588: Fingers
Someone put fingers in the coffee beans at Kahve! Gross. The police said it was probably these people who've been doing pranks around the city. Jerks. They should take their jokes somewhere else, or make them funnier.
Day 591: Pirates?
What happened last night? I feel gross. My mouth tastes weird and I have a headache. Last night I dreamed about being a pirate for real. I think it was a dream.
Day 592: Not a date
Stephanie's back. Even though she doesn't remember me, I gave her a job at Kahve again. She seems a little older, but she's still really cool. We're going to hang out tomorrow and see a movie, but it's not a date, no matter what Joe says.
Day 593: Maybe?
Maybe it was a date.
Day 598: Back again
Didi and Ahiru are back! Maybe it's not good to want people to be stuck here, but I'm still happy to see them. And they don't seem to mind being here, so it's okay. Things are a lot better lately.
Day 602: Namine and me
Namine and I talked for a while tonight. I used to think she deals with being someone else's Nobody better than I do, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe we just have different kinds of trouble with it. It feels kind of similar, though. I don't know how to make her feel better about things, but I'm glad we can talk about this stuff.
I went back to the castle, but not to rejoin the Organization. I was going to attack Xemnas and find out the truth about myself, but somehow I ended up in a whole other world. It's a city called Siren's Pot in a place called Canada.
There are people here who talk like they know me, but I don't know them. I can't trust them. I need to find a way back. Xemnas can't have Kingdom Hearts. He can't.
Day 3: No Hearts
The monsters that appear after the evening siren aren't Heartless. They don't act the same when I fight them with the Keyblade, and no hearts appear after I defeat them.
Does that mean the Keyblade doesn't work in this world? Or do hearts not exist here? That can't be true-I don't have one, and I'm still different from the people who live here.
Day 7: Fake
The Riku person I talked to is the Organization imposter, the one they wanted to stop. I still don't know why he dressed like us, but I didn't ask. It doesn't matter here, and he might lie.
There's another boy who looks just like him, but younger. I don't think they're brothers.
Day 9: Ice cream
I can't find sea-salt bars in the shops I've checked.
It wouldn't be the same, anyway.
Day 10: Same
The younger Riku is a replica. Vexen made him in Castle Oblivion. Is that why everyone went? I don't think that makes sense, but I don't know what they planned there. Maybe they wanted to make more replicas and there was an accident. Why did only Axel come back?
Even if he's the same as Riku, he doesn't talk the same. He's a person, too. It doesn't matter how he was created.
Day 17: Holes in time?
Sometimes people talk like they're from the future. Riku was spying on us, but I know I never met Namine, and she said we'll be friends. Ace said that his little brother was older than he should be here. Time might work differently here. Does that mean the future won't change? Do I have a choice about what to do?
I have to. Even if I can't leave this island, I won't do what anyone else says just because they told me to. I'm going to decide for myself.
Day 19: New work
I got a job. I'm on probation, but if the manager thinks I do a good job this week, he'll hire me as a permanent ticket-taker at the stadium. It's a lot different from the missions I did for the Organization. He isn't anything like Saix.
This must mean I'm really not number XIII anymore. I'm just Roxas.
Day 23: Sea-salt
One of the other newcomers found a store that sells sea-salt ice cream. I bought some and ate it. It doesn't taste exactly the same, but it's still salty and sweet, and good.
Day 24: Tamaki
I have new clothes now.
I don't want to write about that.
Day 29: The truth
I know who Sora is. Riku told me I'm his Nobody. That's how we're connected. Does that mean I used to be Sora, when I had a heart? How could I be him if he got his heart back and was the same person as before? I don't understand. I wish I could ask Axel about this, but he probably wouldn't tell me the truth.
Maybe it's a bad idea, but I'm going to move in with Joe and Riku. Joe is my friend, and at least Riku doesn't pretend that he is. His best friend is someone else.
Day 30: Return
Vexen is here. Does that mean he wasn't terminated at Castle Oblivion? But he acts like that just happened. Maybe time really doesn't work right here. But I won't believe that means my future is already decided.
He said Axel is a traitor. But that's not right. He obeyed the Organization. I'm the traitor.
Day 31: The new girl
Riku's friend was pulled here. Her name is Kairi. She knows Sora and she said she talked to me once, but in her head. I know I can't do that, but she seemed sure. I didn't tell her about how I'm connected to Sora.
She's familiar, though. When I look at her I feel like I met her before, but when I try to remember my head starts to hurt. Like with Namine.
Day 33: Someone sent a picture
Why would someone send a picture of a key to me? The Keyblade isn't a secret. Maybe it doesn't mean anything.
Day 37: The cat I found...
The cat I met outside the stadium was really friendly. Why doesn't he have a home? I gave him some of my sandwich and everyone says he's my responsibility now. But I don't know how to take care of a cat.
Vexen isn't the only Organization member here. Zexion is too. He sent that picture. I'm not going to tell Riku and Joe yet. I want to know what he wants with me first. Why are the only ones here the ones who died?
Day 46: Dinner
Cats don't like peanut butter.
Zexion invited me to have dinner with him and whoever he's with this weekend. I'm going, I guess. It doesn't make sense for him to set up a fight. Riku wouldn't like it, but he's not in charge of me.
Day 49: Former comrades
I met Zexion. Lexaeus was with him. They really are alive. The food was good. They're worried about what SERO might do with Nobodies. I don't want to be friends with them, but they're right that we're the same. No one should have to be experiments. If the companies targeted us, maybe I would help them.
Now that I know, I should tell Riku and Joe. But I'm not sure how.
Day 52: Organization XIII
I told Riku about Zexion and Lexaeus, but he already knew. He didn't tell either! But I knew longer. He wasn't happy, but he wasn't mad. I thought he would be.
He told me some things, too. He said Axel left the Organization a week after me, even though I was here a week after I left. Time stuff again. Why would Axel do that? I want to believe him, but Riku doesn't know Axel like I do. I can't forget how he lied to me. But I wish I could ask him if Riku is telling the truth. I wish I could ask him why.
Day 53: Movies
I don't know anything people are supposed to know. Does Sora know everything? Every time I talk to Tamaki, I feel stupid. But he's nice, and shows me things. Movies are cool. Maybe I'll go again next week.
Day 58: No more secrets
Joe found out about Zexion and Lexaeus. He got really mad, and my throat felt all tight. I don't want to lie to anyone. We talked about it so we'll still be friends, but I don't like that we fought. Riku was all calm about it. Why's he good at that? But it helped. I guess maybe Riku is my friend, too, but not because of Sora.
Zexion is a jerk.
Day 59: Xact
I have a cat now. He liked the cherry I brought him from Grayson's Orchards. He really likes it when I let him sleep on my lap and pet him, so I keep doing it. It's nice. Can a cat be a friend, too?
Day 60: Names
S O R A X
R O X A S
Day 63: Families
Jinx was asking about moms. I don't have one-Nobodies don't have parents. That's another way we're not normal, but I don't feel like I need one.
Day 65: Cooking class
I like sandwiches, but there are lots of kinds of food I can't make. I want to learn things. Kairi and I are going to take a cooking class together. Maybe we can make a really good dinner for Joe, Riku and Namine later. I'm not sure if Kairi knows about me and Sora yet. But we can probably be friends anyway.
Day 70: Other
Sora was pulled here today. I left as soon as I heard on the NV. I never thought that much about what would happen if he came, but I knew I didn't want to meet him. I don't. Because if he's me, then who am I? Should I even exist? Riku says we're different, but it's not that simple. We are different. But maybe we're not supposed to be.
Day 74: Missing
Kairi's gone. No one knows if that means something bad happened to her or if she found a way out or...
We looked all night and today too but she's not here. We didn't even get to go one cooking class together.
I don't know what to think.
Day 77: Axel's here
Now Axel got pulled too! Is this going to happen every week? I didn't tell him it was me when we talked over the NV, but then he saw me over by the newcomer apartments. I guess I wanted him to. We got in a big fight, and he said all this confusing stuff. I think most of it was to make me mad-that's the kind of thing he does.
I really wanted to talk to him. I miss the way things used to be. But I can't just forget about what happened. It's not as simple as him hurting my feelings, no matter what Riku said. Can things ever be the same between us? I don't know.
Day 79: Sora
I felt really restless last night, so I went to to the North Point Carnival. I made sure to stay far enough away that I wouldn't get caught like with Axel, but I did see Sora in person for the first time.
...it was weird. He really does look a lot like me. I left after a little while.
Day 81: Everything's messed up
The island had a big earthquake and a lot of the buildings are broken now. Our new apartment is okay, but the newcomers' and a lot of other ones aren't. The darkness can get in now. I've been out fighting them off. Sora and Axel, too.
I don't want to fight with Sora. But it was okay to fight with Axel again.
Day 84: Rebuilding
I haven't had much to write about. Things are going, I guess. Everyone's working hard to fix things. I haven't gotten much sleep, and I don't think Riku's gotten any, but the laundromat apartment is his now, so maybe he has.
Sometimes I think about why I help. It's not because I love this place. Even if I could, it's not precious to me. But I keep thinking it's just the right thing to do.
I wonder if that's normal, for a Nobody.
Day 86: First birthday
I've existed for longer than a year now. I don't know if the day I was created counts as being 'born.' But when I came back to the new apartment tonight, Riku and Joe had gotten me a late birthday present-the skateboard I've been saving up for. I didn't expect that at all! They didn't need to do it. I'm not sure I understand why they decided to. But I'm really glad they did.
I've never had a present before. I'm going to take really good care of it.
Day 88: Holes in my memory
I went skating last night and I woke up at Riku's. Vexen brought me there. I sort of remembering falling, and my head hurting before I fell, but that's it. He was trying to convince me I didn't remember meeting another Nobody a few weeks before, even though that never happened, but now I really can't remember something!
I'm trying not to act weird and make everyone worry, but it's hard. I didn't get the memories I should have had when I was created as a Nobody, and now the memories that I do have aren't safe either? He might try to mess with Joe or Namine next, too. I keep thinking I should ask Axel what he remembers but I'm not sure how to talk to him anymore.
My head hurts. I'll write more later.
Day 90: Calm
Nothing else has happened. People are starting to get back to normal, even if lots of places are still messed up and people are still getting sick. I guess it's not possible to stay shocked forever.
I don't have anything else to say now.
Day 93: Kitten
I want to talk to Axel again. I'm still mad, but I guess I don't want to be forever. Maybe we can be friends again if he tells me the truth this time. I just don't know how to say it. I could tell him what he just wrote, but that sounds dumb.
Finding Xact helped me figure some things out about people and how they act. Animals aren't that different. Maybe it could be like that for him, too. He wouldn't have to keep everything to himself all the time. And it's fun to play with cats.
It might not be a good idea but I'm going to do it.
Day 94: Best friends
Me and Axel finally sat and talked about all the stuff that happened. He told me the truth this time; about Castle Oblivion, about me and Sora, about him leaving the Organization after I did.
He did some really bad things. But he's not the only one, and he tried to fix it in the end. It's complicated, but best friends can deal with complicated.
Day 97: Up high
I finally found a good place to have ice cream and watch the city at the same time. It's not as good as the clock tower in Twilight Town, but it's probably the best I can do here. I'll show it to Joe, but maybe I can have ice cream here with Axel, too. I don't think Joe would like it if I brought Axel to the fire escape so we could all eat it.
This could be a problem if me and Axel go back to our old routine. I don't have ice cream with Joe every day, but it's still a lot...maybe I could have it twice if I skip lunch.
Day 99: That was a bad idea
I'm not going to the carnival again. Sora spotted me in the crowd and started chasing me. It took forever just to get to a place where I could open a portal and get away. At least he didn't see my face. I can blame it on Zexion if anyone asks.
Day 100: Silence
I told Joe that me and Axel are friends again. He didn't yell-he didn't say much at all-but I can tell he didn't like the idea. That makes sense, I know. I probably wouldn't like it either if we switched positions. But I'm not going to stop being friends with either of them. There's more to Axel than he knows.
He did tell that guy starting the coffeehouse that I'm looking for another job, so maybe he's not too mad. I'm going to see him Wednesday and he'll show me how to make drinks and do whatever I'd be doing. Two-full time jobs might be too much, but an extra part-time job might be just enough. It's still hard to fill up the days sometimes. At least I always knew where I was supposed to be when I was part of the Organization.
Day 104: Fireworks
Today there was a big festival for the country this city is part of--Canada Day. It was actually fun, even if Edgeworth got all weird about parades. I met Leon in person and he didn't seem to mind knowing who I really am.
And I ran into Sora. Well, his dog ran into me. We even talked a little, even though it was weird. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but I wish things weren't like this. I wish we were just two separate people who had nothing to do with each other so it wouldn't matter so much whether we talked or didn't talk. I still don't know what to think.
But I'm glad I went. I never saw fireworks before. I'm glad I saw them with my friends.
Day 106: Speak
Sometimes I want to talk to Sora, and other times I don't. And when I do say something to him, even if I'm just writing it down on my NV, it's weird, and I don't feel better afterward. But I don't feel good completely ignoring him, either. Not that I can 'feel' at all, not really. I don't understand why I can't just decide one way or the other and stick with it. If I had a heart, maybe I would. But if I had a heart, I wouldn't be here.
Maybe I'll talk to Axel about it more. He thinks I should just do what I feel is right. Except I don't know, not at all.
I don't want to go back to working for the Organization, ignorant about everything. And I have things here that I wouldn't give up. But sometimes I wish I could go back just to the times when we'd sit around eating ice cream and talking about stupid stuff together. It wasn't so hard then.
Day 107: Xact on catnip
Xact acts really weird after he has some catnip. Not as weird as the videos me and Joe watched tonight, though. But still weird.
I feel a little better now.
Day 111: I'm never drinking again
Iced tea isn't the same as the kind of tea they serve in bars. Ugh. I feel gross today, and last night I looked stupid in front of the whole network, and Riku in person. Why do I keep messing up? I feel so dumb. And I don't get why people drink for fun. It's not fun.
Day 115: Xion
She's here. I remember everything. How could I ever forget? This is what Vexen was talking about all along, Project i-
No. She's not a project. She's my best friend, and she's okay. That's all that matters.
Day 117: Her and me
Xion and I went to visit a beach she heard about and collected some sea shells. We finally talked, too, about what she is, what I am, everything that was happening...I still don't think I completely understand everything, but I understand a lot more. It's probably the best I'll get.
Even knowing what Saix and Xemnas are like, it's hard to see how they could have just used her like that. They made her, but she's more than a puppet. Was Kingdom Hearts really that important to them? Guess so. But none of it was necessary. I wanted a heart, wanted to be whole. I could have gone on collecting hearts forever if things hadn't happened the way they did.
It always comes down to Sora. They wanted to control Sora, or keep him from waking up so they wouldn't have to worry about him. He's the one that matters.
I can't get upset about it, though. It seems stupid now. I shouldn't exist, but at least I had an existence as a real person, once, even if I'm not him anymore. Xion didn't even get that. It's not fair.
Day 120: Where is he?
Axel's been quiet for days now. He hasn't shown up for ice cream and his phone is off. What's with him? I know all the memories of Xion are a lot to deal with, but we're still best friends, the three of us.
Maybe he thinks we'll be mad because of what he did. I was, just a little, when I remembered. But I forgave him already for the stuff I knew about, and now that I understand what he was trying to tell me at the time, I think I get the position he was in.
He made mistakes, but so did I. If I'd had to choose between his life or Xion's, could I have done any better? I don't know. But the three of us can be together now.
Day 122: The carnival chase
Sora found out it was me because Axel finally showed up and has a big mouth. Great. He was really mad, but I don't get it. Why would he expect me to admit to something so dumb? And he said it made him paranoid about the Organization watching him, but doesn't he realize they must be doing that already? Maybe not in person at his job, though.
Now he wants me and Joe to stay away from him because Joe would have said I was with him. I was already doing that! He's the one who wants to be friends. Well, maybe now he won't. I feel bad about getting him upset at Joe, though. He was just trying to help me out.
Day 126: We went shopping today
This afternoon we went out and Xion picked out her new bed. We had to buy some extra stuff to turn Namine's bed into the bottom half of a bunk bed, but it didn't take much longer to put together than Joe's and my bunk beds did. Xion really likes it. I feel better when I see her smile.
We got a bean bag chair for Axel, too, but we didn't tell Joe that it was for him. (That's why it's red.) It's just a bean bag chair for guests to sit on, and us too if we feel like it. Who knows when Axel will even get to use it? It's weird to think of inviting him over, even if Joe says it's okay for ice cream sometime. I think he really doesn't want Axel around, even if he says he doesn't mind, and I don't want to make him feel weird. But Axel's my best friend, too. He should get to visit me and Xion and Xact. I want to see his cat again, too. I wonder if he gave it a name yet?
Day 128: Girls
Is it really that weird that I don't think about whether girls are pretty? I don't know...I guess I think Namine looks nicer in her dresses than she would in Joe's clothes. I don't think it's important what people look like, anyway. Just who they are.
At least me, Axel and Xion had fun for her birthday. Maybe it's not a real birthday since none of us were really born, but it's been a year since we met her, not counting the time we spent not remembering her. I had a really good time. There's a lot to do at the carnival, and it feels like we tried everything at least once. But it was having all three of us there that made it special. Axel said once that we're inseparable, even if we can't be around each other, and maybe that's true. But I like it better when we're inseparable and together.
Day 130: My dreams changed
Sometimes I feel more like a real person because my dreams are more normal now. They don't always make sense, and that makes sense. That's what those guys at Kahve said, anyway. I still dream about Sora sometimes, though. Not every night, and not as intense. I guess because Xion's not absorbing his memories through me anymore. But it does still happen.
It's funny...when I dream about him, I don't think about the problems we have here or worry about why I exist. It's like I know what's going to happen even though I don't really. Maybe because I dream of memories that used to be mine. Me, but not me. That's what I don't think Riku and them don't really understand. We're separate now, but if I look back, where does he stop and where do I begin? I'm still working on that.
Day 134: Axel's here
He got kicked out of his apartment because he spent his munny on Xion's birthday. That makes it my fault, because I knew he didn't have a job and I still said we should go. Maybe if he'd been better at that game where he won Xion, but still. It's a really good bear. Anyway, I can't kick him out. He's my friend and he has a kitten. (When's he going to name it?) I like having him around, and so does Xion. I even think Namine likes him.
Joe really hates him. This is going to be hard.
Day 135: I talked to Riku
He helped Xion, but he also wanted her to go away, because it would help Sora. And she wanted to go away, because it would help me. I think I'd be angrier at him if it wouldn't mean being angry at Xion, too, and if I didn't already know him. I don't think he's a bad person. I think we were just doing our best for our friends. It's not his fault. It's the Organization's.
Riku also said that I love Xion. I don't know. I still don't understand what love is. But I don't ever want her to go away again. It doesn't matter what I call it.
Day 136: Sixteen
Sora turned sixteen years old today. That's so much older than me, but it sort of makes me sixteen, too. At least as far as other people think, since we're 'twins.' I'm not sure if this is my real birthday and the other one a fake, or the other way around. What matters more, the life that came first or the life that's mine now? I think the one I still have.
I got him a present, one of those jerseys from a gift shop at Grant. It's cool, I guess. It wasn't cheap but I didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for him. I'm still not sure why I did it. It just felt like I should do something, so I did. I left it in his apartment without a note, though, because he might think I want to be friends if I did, and I don't.
Day 138: Riots
Xion got hurt in the gas attack during the riots the other night, and Axel some too because he went to try and help her. They're okay, but I stayed home and tried to take care of them, but then he wouldn't let me anyway. So I guess that means he really is fine. But I still feel bad. Xion's not helpless, but I should be doing a better job of taking care of her. Some friend I am. Maybe we'll all feel better if we make the camp food tonight.
Day 140: If girls ask me if they're pretty
I should say yes.
Why would they ask, though?
Day 142: Movie competition
Joe's helping Sander Cohen with an entry for the contest. I said I'd help too, even though I don't know anything about movies. I just don't think it's right that that guy in the news should win. He says we can't ever understand each other, all the newcomers and the people who already lived here, but how does he know? He never talked to anyone I know.
Day 146: Meeting with Sora
I talked to Xion about how it would probably be a good idea for Sora to know the truth about her because she won't have to be so nervous and he deserves to know. And we know it's safe, since they were close together during the riot and they're still both fine. And she thought the same thing, so we did.
It was okay. He knows, and I told him he doesn't have to avoid me all the time. I don't really want to be his friend, or be around him...but we're both here, and it doesn't do any good to pretend we're not. So I guess I'll be seeing him around sometimes. I'll deal with it. I've still got Axel and Xion, and Joe. They understand. So I'll be okay.
Day 150: Heat wave
It's too hot to write anything.
Day 151: Something's wrong with Riku
His crazy boss at the theater got all upset because Riku yelled at him and called him "crazy cakes." That doesn't even sound like Riku. And now Sora's upset because he hasn't been answering his voicemail. He gets quiet sometimes, but if they didn't have a fight, why would he be avoiding Sora?
Day 154: Riku's back
The Organization took him.
Day 156: The Organization
Riku told us what happened to him. They kept him chained up for a week, a prisoner. None of us have seen them around lately, and that must be why. They know better than to show their faces around here now.
When he told us about it, my stomach got all tight. I know it doesn't have anything to do with me, and I didn't know any of the ones here very long before they all died at Castle Oblivion. They'd be interested in Riku anyway because he worked against the Organization. But it's still hard, like I ate something bad. I knew the Organization was bad news, but I hoped maybe these ones weren't as bad as Xemnas and Saix. I should have known better than to believe in what we were doing that whole time. Except if I'd left earlier, I might not have Axel and Xion with me now. Either way, they had no right to do this.
If I could feel, I'd feel really angry now. Sometimes I think I can.
Day 158: Gone
Sora and I talked some today. He's been to a lot of worlds. He said he met Demyx, too, and I guess all the rest of them. And that means that in the future, the whole Organization is wiped out. I knew he took down Xemnas, and that's good. But some of the others...I don't know.
It was like being homesick, in a weird way. I wouldn't go back to the Organization even if I could, but sometimes I still miss the simpler days when me, Axel and Xion could sit on the tower and have ice cream together, and nothing so bad had happened. I used to believe I was doing the right thing for me by helping the Organization reach its goals. It was easier then.
Almost everyone I ever knew is gone in Sora's time. I don't know what to think of that.
Day 163: Joe's movie
It's coming along really well, from what he says. They got a little behind because of what happened to Riku, but now it's back on track. He's working really hard. I never cared about movies before, even though I liked the ones Tamaki showed me, but I hope he and Sander Cohen win. They probably deserve it after working so hard.
I wonder what it's like to care about something so much that you'll work harder than anything to make it good.
Day 168: Feeling
I told Zexion that sometimes I think I can feel. He said I can't, and he's probably right. I don't even remember what it's like to be able to feel, so this is probably something else. But...sometimes I wonder. Because it doesn't seem like not feeling, either.
Either way, I want to know how other people think and feel. There's so much I still don't understand. Me and Riku are going to study that stuff together, like school, but with just us. He said he has a textbook we can do, so it won't cost as much munny as school. I think he's mostly doing it for me, but he doesn't know everything (even if he acts like it sometimes) so maybe we'll both learn.
Day 174: Winner ran off
Axel was out with Winner and she got lost when he was fighting something. We've got to find her. She's so little, and...she's important. When I gave her to him, we were friends again.
I'm going to go look for her.
Day 177: Good and bad
Me and Axel had ice cream on the fire escape and I told him about what happened that last day, when Xion and I fought. It was hard. I hate thinking about it, but I can't forget. And I shouldn't. But I felt a little better after he knew everything. He says it wasn't my fault, but I don't know about that. I'm still glad he's not mad that I didn't find another way.
Riku found Winner, and Joe's movie won the film competition. So good things happened too.
Day 182: ...
Sora's gone.
I thought I would feel it.
I wasn't ready.
Day 183: Terra
Some guy on the network heard me and started calling me by someone else's name. "Ven." His friend, I guess, but I'm not Ven, or Ventus, or whatever his name is. I got really mad when he started talking about my heart. Riku too-they know each other, somehow. He must be crazy or something. I'm just Roxas.
Day 188: Everything's messed up
Zexion's a jerk. I'm not relieved that Sora's gone. I'm not! I didn't want him to just disappear. That doesn't help anything. And I'm not just a piece of him! I shouldn't have listened to anything he said. Afterward I was out all night fighting monsters. Now Xion's mad because I didn't tell anyone I was going when we're all trying to be careful because of what happened to Sora. I hate this.
Day 191: This is getting creepy
Terra came to Kahve today and waited for me to come out so he could follow me home. I don't get him. I can't possibly be his friend, but he won't listen to me, not even when I told him I don't have a heart. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but he uses the Keyblade too. He knew Xemnas before he was Xemnas.
I think I feel bad for him, a little. It's awful to lose your friends and think you'll never get them back. But I can't be the person he wants me to be.
Day 196: Even more messed up
Terra started talking on the network about how people's memories can get messed up-he thinks mine were messed with and that's why I don't remember him, but he's the one who can't remember everything! Then he saw Xion, but he didn't see her. He saw...me, I guess, since we're connected, but he still thinks I'm his friend, so he thought-ugh, it's a mess.
Xion got freaked out and ran away. At least Terra sent his dog to try and help track her down. It's the least he could do. Riku found her, but I don't know how to make her feel better. I don't know how to fix this.
Day 201: Kairi and holidays
Kairi's back. She doesn't remember anything about being here before, but she's okay. She knew about me, too, without me having to tell her-does that mean she went on back home for a while before getting pulled again? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm glad she's okay.
It was a good day, but a weird one, too. Halloween isn't just a town; it's a holiday, too! Instead of every day being creepy, it's just one, and people get to dress up and get free candy. It's really weird to think of it being a day and not a place, but kind of cool, too.
Day 205: Halloween costumes
I'm going to be a pirate. But Xion and I are going to try to get Axel to be a clown. This'll be really funny.
Day 212: The party at 24
It was a lot of fun.
And Axel made a great clown.
Day 219: Halloween is cool
It's not even here yet, but everyone's having fun. We carved some pumpkins and made them food and decorations, but we gave the food part to the soup kitchen. Joe, Tamaki and I are going to be a pirate crew on the actual day, and we'll go trick or treating and do some other things. I guess I must have lived through a Halloween when I was with the Organization, since I was there for a year, but we never had any holidays. This is better.
Terra apologized to me. I'm not exactly sure what to think, but he does seem like an okay guy when he's not acting crazy over me looking like his friend. He seems sad. I told him some things about Xion, and Sora and Riku and everyone. For once, I'm the one from someone's future.
I'm not sure if we'll be friends, but we don't need to be enemies. I hope someone can help him be happier, even if I can't.
Day 221: Aqua
That girl Terra mentioned, his other friend-Aqua. She showed up on the network today. She thought I was Ven, too. I hardly said anything and she was still convinced it was him.
Does this mean Terra's not just crazy? How can that even work? I am Sora's Nobody, aren't I? I have to be. I remember pieces of being him, and everyone remembers me. This doesn't make sense.
Day 224: Sick
Ugh. Trick or treating is about taking candy from strangers, but you shouldn't take it from all strangers. Some people messed with candy they were giving out, and a bunch of people got sick, included me. I felt funny, all jumpy and awake, and I kept bleeding. Gross. Axel and Riku treated me like a little kid over it. I feel a little better now, though.
Day 226: Halloween's done
I had a really good time. I hope it can be like this every year. I'm never going to finish all this candy, though.
Day 230: Another earthquake
It wasn't as bad as the last one, but it still messed some things up, and more of our dishes broke. Maybe we should start buying paper plates.
Day 232: The core
The news says they found it and everyone's freaking out. Does that mean they can fix it and send people home? Would we have to go? I can't think about that now. I'm just going to keep looking out for my friends, and they'll look out for me.
Day 235: Stickers
Terra and I talked some more. He's okay.
Day 237: Ventus
He's here. He looks just like me. More than Sora ever did.
I don't know what to think.
Day 239: Meeting
I ran into Ventus on the street. Well, I sort of followed him, but I really didn't mean to. Not like with Axel and Sora. But when I saw him, I couldn't just walk away. Then we got in a fight, but it wasn't much of one. So I took off my hood and we talked instead.
He's...okay. A nice guy. That's good; I wouldn't want someone who looked like me to be a jerk. I can see why Terra and Aqua are good friends with him.
I don't know if I feel better, but it could have been worse.
Day 241: Pizza
I haven't felt like eating much lately, and I guess it caught up to me, because Terra heard my stomach growling when we were talking over the network. It was really embarrassing! But he bought me pizza then, and he wouldn't listen when I said he didn't have to. That was nice of him.
He's different from what I used to think. When I first talked to him, he was a jerk, but now that I've seen Ventus myself, I get why he was so sure I was him. Now that he's not so worried about his friends, he seems like a good guy. I still don't know him that well, but I think I understand him a little. Losing the people you care about can really mess you up.
He also said friends can be like family. If Sora and Ventus are my 'brothers', I could have a really big family.
Day 243: Xehanort
He's here, in Siren's Port. If Riku's right, that means Xemnas is here-before he was Xemnas. He's so old. He doesn't look like the same person at all, but if what Terra and Ventus said about him is true, he acts a lot like him.
I could try to fight him for what he'll do, but what would it help? He doesn't know about me. If I can stay out of his sight, then he won't mess with me or Xion. I don't want to get him interested in what she is.
245: What's Joe thinking?
I don't get him today. I know he hates the scientists and I don't blame him, but sometimes it sounds like he thinks AGI is okay-that maybe things would be all right if they were in charge of everything. But they hurt people. They use people. I know he's not like them, he could get caught up in some bad stuff without meaning to. That makes me really worried, but he probably wouldn't like it if I told him that. It's not like I think he can't look after himself, but-ugh. I don't know.
Day 246: It snowed today
Why would you run out into the snow without a coat or anything?
I gave Ventus an extra coat. I don't know why. I just felt like it, I guess.
Day 251: Ice skating
Some people turned a vacant lot into an ice-skating rink, so I dragged Axel with me. He kept going on about how he's not good with ice because he uses fire, but I think he just didn't want me to see how bad he was at skating. And he was really bad. It was fun to laugh, though, even if he didn't appreciate it.
Day 254: Lea
I found out Axel's name before he had a heart. It was Lea. But I found out from Ventus. He said him and Lea were friends, and I freaked out. All I could think was that he knew who Ven was the whole time-even when he met me, and that's why he decided to be my friend. I thought I was going to be sick.
I went to talk to him. No, I yelled at him. But I did listen, and Joe would probably think I'm being stupid, but I believe that he didn't really remember Ven. If it was just once, years and years ago, and he didn't become a Nobody until after...I don't remember everything important that happened to me. So why would he remember everything that isn't as important?
I told him not to talk to Ven anymore.
256: At Riku's tonight
I was supposed to go over to have dinner and study like usual, but that didn't happen. We still ate, but before we could get to work, he started asking what was wrong and I just fell apart. Joe's hardly home and now Axel is staying away even though he says he's not mad. I know it's because of me, no matter what Riku said, but I don't know what to do about it. I got so upset that Riku actually hugged me. It was weird...but I did feel better afterward.
Day 259: Christmas shopping
Kairi helped me pick out presents today. (But I'm not going to write down what I got people, just in case.) I thought I'd be really hopeless at it but she was good at helping me figure out what people would like. Afterward we ate at her place and she made me laugh. It felt like it had been a while. We were friends when she was here before, but it's been a long time, and this was the first chance we've had to do something fun instead of just working together. She hugged me too. (Is there a sign on my head that says 'Hug Me!'?)
I can see why Sora likes her so much.
Day 261: Today was okay
Axel's going to come home and Joe and I are getting matching presents for Xion. Maybe things will be all right.
Ven asked me why Axel was mad at him, so I told him the truth. I'm not going to make Axel not talk to him anymore. He's still my best friend, not Ven's.
[ TO BE FILLED IN ]
Day 567: Memory
Axel and I hung out for a while today, just me and him. It was nice; kind of like the old days-the ones back when I was with the Organization, and when he was here before. He told me he's starting to get his memories of Xion back, thanks to Namine. It's a secret for now, but I don't mind keeping it, because it's a relief, too. The three of us belong together, but it's better if we all remember why that's true.
Day 571: Halloween again
Everyone's getting ready for Halloween. It's sort of weird to think I've been here long enough to start repeating holidays and things like that. It means I've been here longer than I was with the Organization, even if we didn't celebrate anything then. I don't know what I'll dress up as-it's been too busy at Kahve lately for me to think about it. It'll be fun, though. As long as there's no poisoned candy this time. Or pumpkins bombs.
Day 572: Jinx's baby
Something bad happened and Jinx isn't going to have her anymore. I guess...she died? Can something die before it's really gotten to live yet? It feels really tight inside, like something's squeezing me. I want to help her but there's nothing we can do now. Still, I'll visit her as soon as I can.
I think I would have made a good uncle.
Day 575: Bad dreams
I had an awful nightmare last night. I was in Twilight Town, but it was like no one could see me-like I was invisible. Then I went into one of the tunnels, except it turned into that Hall that Xehanort threw us into. Just me this time, though. Then...I think something bad happened to Xion and Axel. I don't know how, but it did. I started running and then there was a mirror there. Excpet when I looked into it, I saw his face.
I felt a little better in the morning when I talked to Joe, but I didn't tell what I dreamed. I don't want anyone to know I still worry about that.
Day 578: More dreams and pizza rolls
It turns out those bad dreams weren't just my dreams; everyone's having the same nightmares. They're awful. I don't want to see them, and I don't want to see theirs, but there's nothing I can do. It feels like I've been having other people's dreams my whole life.
Ven and I made pizza rolls, though. I was in a better mood after that. And I talked to Sora for the first time in a while. It was okay.
Day 580: Rude people
Ugh, no one's sleeping well because of the nightmares, and a lot of people are trying to use caffeine to not sleep, so Kahve's been really crowded. I don't mind the extra business, but some people are jerks. I told Kairi she can kick them out if she wants.
Day 587: Back to normal
The dreams stopped. I don't know why, but I don't really care, either. We're getting ready for Halloween again, and that'll be fun. Me and Kairi will be pirates again. I don't mind having her as a captain.
Day 588: Fingers
Someone put fingers in the coffee beans at Kahve! Gross. The police said it was probably these people who've been doing pranks around the city. Jerks. They should take their jokes somewhere else, or make them funnier.
Day 591: Pirates?
What happened last night? I feel gross. My mouth tastes weird and I have a headache. Last night I dreamed about being a pirate for real. I think it was a dream.
Day 592: Not a date
Stephanie's back. Even though she doesn't remember me, I gave her a job at Kahve again. She seems a little older, but she's still really cool. We're going to hang out tomorrow and see a movie, but it's not a date, no matter what Joe says.
Day 593: Maybe?
Maybe it was a date.
Day 598: Back again
Didi and Ahiru are back! Maybe it's not good to want people to be stuck here, but I'm still happy to see them. And they don't seem to mind being here, so it's okay. Things are a lot better lately.
Day 602: Namine and me
Namine and I talked for a while tonight. I used to think she deals with being someone else's Nobody better than I do, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe we just have different kinds of trouble with it. It feels kind of similar, though. I don't know how to make her feel better about things, but I'm glad we can talk about this stuff.