just_1_word | 30.1. Knock
30.1. Knock
Co-written with asinthecity
[Follows THIS]
Riley realised he was probably supposed to be trying to sleep right now. Jetlag should be setting in. It might be eleven am in Princeton, but it was four am in Edinburgh, and he was running on adrenaline... or something. He had been lying in bed all of ten seconds following the pregnancy test and random dumping of Evie's piles around the bedroom for later when he was shooting out of bed again and running up the hall to Tab and Luke's room. He really wasn't thinking of chivalrous things like consideration right now. He knocked on the door, somehow managing to pace back and forth in front of it at the same time. He ignored the dizzy feeling in his head. Lack of sleep, lack of good food, and bashing your head on the toilet roll holder would do that to a guy. "Tab!" he all but shrieked when he got no immediate answer.
Unlike her brother and his wife, Tab and Luke had actually managed to pass out the moment they'd gotten home. The two of them had curled up on the bed without a single thought towards moving, or even sex, both of them falling into a deep slumber. Luke grunted against Tab's back before rolling over, and Tab groaned in protest as the knocking and now yelling invaded her blissful state. "Fuhnk off," she mumbled into the pillow, hugging it tighter to her face as she tried to ignore whatever it was trying to wake up.
It was no good though, and Tab opened one eye to glare at the wall as if it was the offender. Luke somehow managed to sleep on, even as Tab hit him in the chest for being such an oblivious sleeper. She dragged herself out of bed and over to their bedroom door, her red hair very much dishevelled and sticking out at all angles. "What?" she hissed out as she glared at the moving shape in the hallway. It took her vision a couple of moments to focus and she frowned at Riley. "S'happened?"
Riley kept pacing, gesturing elaborately with his hand. "I was calm! Calm and cool, even! I was so cool, it wasn't funny!" he began, talking rapidly. He had to stop the movement when the hall felt like it shifted under his feet and he put his hand up on the wall to balance himself. "And then it was just there and it was happening and now it's in her and I'm not so cool anymore and really just feel like I want to throw up again, which really isn't cool, you know?" He looked at her insistently as if she would understand every single word out of his mouth.
Tab just stared back at her brother, really not comprehending much of anything. "Is this a sex freak out?"
"No!" Riley shrieked, throwing up his hands. "There was no sex! That's the thing. No sex, but it's still there! Two lines! And it wasn't 'cause of my head or anything, they were really there! This is, like, bigger than deciding to put a plasma in the bathroom, you know?! It's actually really real, and what if it stops being real?" He stopped and rested his head against the wall with a whimper. "My head hurts."
"Would that have to do with the bandage? We've been home only hours and you've already hurt yourself, beanpole." Tab stifled a yawn and ruffled her hair as she looked down at her feet. "Wait, two lines? Two lines like as in Evie's pregnant two lines? So you're inside of her?!"
Riley blinked. "Not right now! I'm not that good. We didn't even feel like sex after that." He looked up and nodded. "Two lines pregnant," he confirmed, voice breaking.
"No, I just meant your sperm! Your sperm's inside her and made her pregnant!" Tab's eyes went wide and she squealed before she started to jump up and down, ignoring the fact that Luke was trying to sleep. "OH MY GOD! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god!! Riley!!!! Your super sperm knocked her up!"
Riley's head felt like it was in a washing machine. "No, no! Evie doesn't want excited people! I didn't do it! A... a thing did it!" It wasn't really denial. Not much. Only a wee bit. His head was struggling to let him believe he was actually going to be a father and there were two lines. Maybe this was Stage Two of the freak out?
Tab clapped her hands over her mouth and stopped bouncing as she just looked at Riley. How could she not be excited? The sperm washing had worked, and her brother was that much closer to a dream he'd always wanted. She slowly took her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper. "A thing with your sperm... Big bro, this is huge. I know you're freaking out, but come on... you've helped create a kid. A baby! Some drooling snot machine is going to exist with your genes."
Riley looked at her helplessly, wondering if he was actually going to cry. "But what if that's not a good thing in hindsight?!" he cried, feeling a panic trying to set in.
Tab pulled her bedroom door shut as she came out into the hall and balanced on the tips of her toes as she wrapped her arms around her brother. She could see the fine line he was balancing on, her twin in near hysterics. It was enough to put a very effective dampener on her excitement. "Hey... why wouldn't it be a good thing?"
"We both threw up," was Riley's answer as he tried to come up with something more rational offer. "I just... I... I get worried the washing shit didn't work and Evie might still get sick. Which is probably stupid. But what if I suck as a father? I just might suck. Some people do."
"You've survived all this time with me as your sister, you're not going to suck." She hugged him tighter, and tried to work out what she could say to make this better on him. "You'reRJ's godfather, and you're perfect with him. You're a natural dad. I can't promise Evie isn't infected, but you know what? I think I might actually have faith that she isn't. If nothing else in your life was meant to work out, I just know that this will. Karma owes you, beanpole."
Riley pressed his hand over his forehead, looking at her as if he really needed her to be speaking gospel right now. "Yeah?" he said, pacing a couple of steps one way, and then the other before stopping again. "I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I mean, it's a long way off... end of... January-ish. I feel like I can't even get my brain to work."
Tab nodded as she leaned back against her door. "Yeah, Riley. I think this is it. You and Evie have been through a lot, and I think this is about to be your big payout." She couldn't help but smile a little as he continued to freak out. "I think the only thing you're supposed to do now is get some rest. There's nothing to do. It's just a waiting game. You can get ready for the kid when Evie's a bit more pregnant. Right now, just ride the wave of knowing you're a dad. Take a moment to enjoy it."
Riley realised his hands were shaking and he tucked them in under his arms, letting out a long breath. The adrenaline was wearing off and he was starting to feel at a loss. "I should be excited. I should be. And I will be. I just need to get my head around it. I guess it's like getting the HIV diagnosis, only in reverse, and I just get worried about stupid things. Plus I haven't had much sleep and I was worried about other things before this happened and I... I really didn't think it would happen," he finally admitted.
Tab walked around him to place her hands on his back and nudge him in direction of the lounge room. There would be time enough for them to sleep with their spouses, right now Tab figured Riley needed a bit of twin calming first. She pushed him down onto the sofa and curled up beside him with her head on his shoulder. "I know, beanpole. I know... Just let yourself feel whatever you have to. There's no right or wrong reaction here. Well, if you were crying bad tears then I think that constitutes bad, but you're not. You're just freaking out, and it's natural."
"You know, when Lachlan was in my position, I was in yours right now and I was so good at the advice thing. I believed what I was saying. Telling him it was amazing and he had this fantastic thing to look forward to, but he kept freaking out, even though he knew it was really what he wanted deep down, and now I get how he felt. Getting married was easy. It was just a natural next step, but this... a little person is going to come out of there in about eight months and be totally reliant on us. Some days I'm too buggered after work to even get out of bed, some days I don't even make the bed. How am I supposed to be a parent-type person?" Riley asked, holding up his hand.
"By loving them no matter what, and unconditionally. By letting the rest of your family be there when you can't, and knowing when to ask for help. You're not going to palm them off onto other people, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting us take over for a bit, or letting Evie take the reigns. You're allowed to be buggered, and exhausted, but still love your child. It's what makes you different, Riley. They'll know you love them. It'll be easier to know what to go when they come. There's no point getting too far ahead of yourself," Tab replied softly as she tried to stifle a yawn. "It is going to be amazing, and you are going to be a great dad. If you still don't believe me in another month, I will happily knock sense into you."
Riley finally managed to smirk at her. "Are you going to still have a baby phobia? We could be up shit creek if you do," he pointed out in amusement, resting his head back against the sofa.
Tab gave him a squeeze before resting her legs over him and making herself even more comfortable. "Fuck off, arse pain. I'm not going to have a baby phobia when it's your kid. I'm going to be the world's greatest aunt."
"You know, you're already pretty good with RJ. He doesn't cry with you. That's huge. I think he's fascinated with your hair," Riley mused and stretched his legs out in front of him. They were still stiff and sore from being cramped up on the flight. He couldn't help it he was tall.
"Then I got a winning gimmick," Tab smirked. "RJ's RJ... he's not some weird kid. I like him. Just like I'll like anything related to you. So just relax for a bit, okay? This is happening, and it'll be great."
Riley rested his hands on his stomach and was silent for a few moments while he started to poke through the array of thoughts swishing through his head. This was huge and it was going to take time to realise it was real. After his HIV diagnosis, he had started to write off basic desires he had always had. Kids had been a big one. The sperm washing had been an enormous decision to come to, and even though he rationally knew that what had been implanted into Evie via theIVF had been tested for the virus and cleared, he was still scared. He was scared of things like what it would mean for their baby to have a father that was positive. Would it just be a normalcy in their family that they were aware of but just dealt with, or would it be a stigma for them? He tried to imagine this very living room looking like Tara andLachlan's did as the norm now... baby items strewn from floor to ceiling, a portable crib and change mat as a permanent fixture by the bookcase. It seemed surreal. Like a dream to own a sports car; something that seemed really cool, but deep down you never really believed would come to fruition. Then he thought of the lookLachlan got on his face whenever he spoke about his son, and Riley knew he still wanted that. He wanted to feel that ecstasy that caused his best mate to kiss a strange looking janitor from sheer elation the nightRJ was born. "I want it," he finally verbalised, nodding slightly. "I want it more than anything."
Tab stretched up to press a kiss to her brother's forehead. "Then I think you and I both know you'll be okay," she told him quietly. "But if you do freak out, then I'll be here. What else are awesome sisters for?"
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,218
Co-written with asinthecity
[Follows THIS]
Riley realised he was probably supposed to be trying to sleep right now. Jetlag should be setting in. It might be eleven am in Princeton, but it was four am in Edinburgh, and he was running on adrenaline... or something. He had been lying in bed all of ten seconds following the pregnancy test and random dumping of Evie's piles around the bedroom for later when he was shooting out of bed again and running up the hall to Tab and Luke's room. He really wasn't thinking of chivalrous things like consideration right now. He knocked on the door, somehow managing to pace back and forth in front of it at the same time. He ignored the dizzy feeling in his head. Lack of sleep, lack of good food, and bashing your head on the toilet roll holder would do that to a guy. "Tab!" he all but shrieked when he got no immediate answer.
Unlike her brother and his wife, Tab and Luke had actually managed to pass out the moment they'd gotten home. The two of them had curled up on the bed without a single thought towards moving, or even sex, both of them falling into a deep slumber. Luke grunted against Tab's back before rolling over, and Tab groaned in protest as the knocking and now yelling invaded her blissful state. "Fuhnk off," she mumbled into the pillow, hugging it tighter to her face as she tried to ignore whatever it was trying to wake up.
It was no good though, and Tab opened one eye to glare at the wall as if it was the offender. Luke somehow managed to sleep on, even as Tab hit him in the chest for being such an oblivious sleeper. She dragged herself out of bed and over to their bedroom door, her red hair very much dishevelled and sticking out at all angles. "What?" she hissed out as she glared at the moving shape in the hallway. It took her vision a couple of moments to focus and she frowned at Riley. "S'happened?"
Riley kept pacing, gesturing elaborately with his hand. "I was calm! Calm and cool, even! I was so cool, it wasn't funny!" he began, talking rapidly. He had to stop the movement when the hall felt like it shifted under his feet and he put his hand up on the wall to balance himself. "And then it was just there and it was happening and now it's in her and I'm not so cool anymore and really just feel like I want to throw up again, which really isn't cool, you know?" He looked at her insistently as if she would understand every single word out of his mouth.
Tab just stared back at her brother, really not comprehending much of anything. "Is this a sex freak out?"
"No!" Riley shrieked, throwing up his hands. "There was no sex! That's the thing. No sex, but it's still there! Two lines! And it wasn't 'cause of my head or anything, they were really there! This is, like, bigger than deciding to put a plasma in the bathroom, you know?! It's actually really real, and what if it stops being real?" He stopped and rested his head against the wall with a whimper. "My head hurts."
"Would that have to do with the bandage? We've been home only hours and you've already hurt yourself, beanpole." Tab stifled a yawn and ruffled her hair as she looked down at her feet. "Wait, two lines? Two lines like as in Evie's pregnant two lines? So you're inside of her?!"
Riley blinked. "Not right now! I'm not that good. We didn't even feel like sex after that." He looked up and nodded. "Two lines pregnant," he confirmed, voice breaking.
"No, I just meant your sperm! Your sperm's inside her and made her pregnant!" Tab's eyes went wide and she squealed before she started to jump up and down, ignoring the fact that Luke was trying to sleep. "OH MY GOD! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god!! Riley!!!! Your super sperm knocked her up!"
Riley's head felt like it was in a washing machine. "No, no! Evie doesn't want excited people! I didn't do it! A... a thing did it!" It wasn't really denial. Not much. Only a wee bit. His head was struggling to let him believe he was actually going to be a father and there were two lines. Maybe this was Stage Two of the freak out?
Tab clapped her hands over her mouth and stopped bouncing as she just looked at Riley. How could she not be excited? The sperm washing had worked, and her brother was that much closer to a dream he'd always wanted. She slowly took her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper. "A thing with your sperm... Big bro, this is huge. I know you're freaking out, but come on... you've helped create a kid. A baby! Some drooling snot machine is going to exist with your genes."
Riley looked at her helplessly, wondering if he was actually going to cry. "But what if that's not a good thing in hindsight?!" he cried, feeling a panic trying to set in.
Tab pulled her bedroom door shut as she came out into the hall and balanced on the tips of her toes as she wrapped her arms around her brother. She could see the fine line he was balancing on, her twin in near hysterics. It was enough to put a very effective dampener on her excitement. "Hey... why wouldn't it be a good thing?"
"We both threw up," was Riley's answer as he tried to come up with something more rational offer. "I just... I... I get worried the washing shit didn't work and Evie might still get sick. Which is probably stupid. But what if I suck as a father? I just might suck. Some people do."
"You've survived all this time with me as your sister, you're not going to suck." She hugged him tighter, and tried to work out what she could say to make this better on him. "You'reRJ's godfather, and you're perfect with him. You're a natural dad. I can't promise Evie isn't infected, but you know what? I think I might actually have faith that she isn't. If nothing else in your life was meant to work out, I just know that this will. Karma owes you, beanpole."
Riley pressed his hand over his forehead, looking at her as if he really needed her to be speaking gospel right now. "Yeah?" he said, pacing a couple of steps one way, and then the other before stopping again. "I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I mean, it's a long way off... end of... January-ish. I feel like I can't even get my brain to work."
Tab nodded as she leaned back against her door. "Yeah, Riley. I think this is it. You and Evie have been through a lot, and I think this is about to be your big payout." She couldn't help but smile a little as he continued to freak out. "I think the only thing you're supposed to do now is get some rest. There's nothing to do. It's just a waiting game. You can get ready for the kid when Evie's a bit more pregnant. Right now, just ride the wave of knowing you're a dad. Take a moment to enjoy it."
Riley realised his hands were shaking and he tucked them in under his arms, letting out a long breath. The adrenaline was wearing off and he was starting to feel at a loss. "I should be excited. I should be. And I will be. I just need to get my head around it. I guess it's like getting the HIV diagnosis, only in reverse, and I just get worried about stupid things. Plus I haven't had much sleep and I was worried about other things before this happened and I... I really didn't think it would happen," he finally admitted.
Tab walked around him to place her hands on his back and nudge him in direction of the lounge room. There would be time enough for them to sleep with their spouses, right now Tab figured Riley needed a bit of twin calming first. She pushed him down onto the sofa and curled up beside him with her head on his shoulder. "I know, beanpole. I know... Just let yourself feel whatever you have to. There's no right or wrong reaction here. Well, if you were crying bad tears then I think that constitutes bad, but you're not. You're just freaking out, and it's natural."
"You know, when Lachlan was in my position, I was in yours right now and I was so good at the advice thing. I believed what I was saying. Telling him it was amazing and he had this fantastic thing to look forward to, but he kept freaking out, even though he knew it was really what he wanted deep down, and now I get how he felt. Getting married was easy. It was just a natural next step, but this... a little person is going to come out of there in about eight months and be totally reliant on us. Some days I'm too buggered after work to even get out of bed, some days I don't even make the bed. How am I supposed to be a parent-type person?" Riley asked, holding up his hand.
"By loving them no matter what, and unconditionally. By letting the rest of your family be there when you can't, and knowing when to ask for help. You're not going to palm them off onto other people, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting us take over for a bit, or letting Evie take the reigns. You're allowed to be buggered, and exhausted, but still love your child. It's what makes you different, Riley. They'll know you love them. It'll be easier to know what to go when they come. There's no point getting too far ahead of yourself," Tab replied softly as she tried to stifle a yawn. "It is going to be amazing, and you are going to be a great dad. If you still don't believe me in another month, I will happily knock sense into you."
Riley finally managed to smirk at her. "Are you going to still have a baby phobia? We could be up shit creek if you do," he pointed out in amusement, resting his head back against the sofa.
Tab gave him a squeeze before resting her legs over him and making herself even more comfortable. "Fuck off, arse pain. I'm not going to have a baby phobia when it's your kid. I'm going to be the world's greatest aunt."
"You know, you're already pretty good with RJ. He doesn't cry with you. That's huge. I think he's fascinated with your hair," Riley mused and stretched his legs out in front of him. They were still stiff and sore from being cramped up on the flight. He couldn't help it he was tall.
"Then I got a winning gimmick," Tab smirked. "RJ's RJ... he's not some weird kid. I like him. Just like I'll like anything related to you. So just relax for a bit, okay? This is happening, and it'll be great."
Riley rested his hands on his stomach and was silent for a few moments while he started to poke through the array of thoughts swishing through his head. This was huge and it was going to take time to realise it was real. After his HIV diagnosis, he had started to write off basic desires he had always had. Kids had been a big one. The sperm washing had been an enormous decision to come to, and even though he rationally knew that what had been implanted into Evie via theIVF had been tested for the virus and cleared, he was still scared. He was scared of things like what it would mean for their baby to have a father that was positive. Would it just be a normalcy in their family that they were aware of but just dealt with, or would it be a stigma for them? He tried to imagine this very living room looking like Tara andLachlan's did as the norm now... baby items strewn from floor to ceiling, a portable crib and change mat as a permanent fixture by the bookcase. It seemed surreal. Like a dream to own a sports car; something that seemed really cool, but deep down you never really believed would come to fruition. Then he thought of the lookLachlan got on his face whenever he spoke about his son, and Riley knew he still wanted that. He wanted to feel that ecstasy that caused his best mate to kiss a strange looking janitor from sheer elation the nightRJ was born. "I want it," he finally verbalised, nodding slightly. "I want it more than anything."
Tab stretched up to press a kiss to her brother's forehead. "Then I think you and I both know you'll be okay," she told him quietly. "But if you do freak out, then I'll be here. What else are awesome sisters for?"
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,218