musebyquotes | 1.14. James C. Dobson quote
1.14. "Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without."
- James C. Dobson
Co-written with imnodoctor
Riley was nervous. Actually, no. 'Nervous' wasn't even close to what Riley was right then. Physically, it was sort of a cross between feeling a little sick, headachy, and like he had had far too large a caffeine hit with the distinct feeling that he needed a nervous pee. Mentally, the pictures of sperm and wombs on the wall were doing his head in for some unknown reason. He was a damn doctor, for shit's sake! He sat stiffly in the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair, one of his long legs bouncing anxiously as he looked at his watch for about the fiftieth time since they arrived ten minutes ago. Evie had taken the job of filling their information into the form on the clipboard given to them on their arrival. Riley had tried, but his mind kept wandering beyond the first standard questions like 'Name' and 'Marital status'. He didn't have a hope in hell of succinctly answering 'What is the purpose of your visit today?' in one measly little fucking line. One line!
It probably didn't help that he looked like he had been in a pub brawl. It was just a couple of days after the punch in the face to have the bruises and cut looking all gross and extremely unattractive. He really wished Lachlan had gloves on that night. At least then that Celtic ring he wore on his right hand wouldn't have broken the skin to require suturing. Would they give sperm-washed IVF babies to someone who got into fist fights? Not that it was even a fight, but it looked like it could have been. He shifted and uncrossed his legs, but barely ten seconds later, recrossed them and started bouncing them again. Why the fuck was the doctor so late, anyway? If he was running a private practice, he would be on time every appointment, no matter what. At least, that's what his irrational brain was telling him to justify how fucking scared he was right now. He cleared his throat and folded his arms across his stomach. "Maybe this is a mistake," he said in a whisper, anxious green eyes connecting with Evie's.
Evie rarely felt nervous, but even she had to admit to having butterflies, and a similar need to have a nervous pee. She was glad she hadn't drunk anything while waiting, worried that if she ever did get into the doctor's office she'd have to get right back up to run to the toilet, or sit there and wet herself. She covered Riley's hand with hers, and pushed her fingers between his as she rest her chin on his shoulder. "It's going to be fine, sexy. I'd offer to give you a calming hand-job, but I'm not sure the other people waiting would appreciate the free show."
"What if they want my sperm now? Do you think they will? Do you think they have special cups for HIV sperm? Do you think when they wash it, it loses it's eagerness to swim? You know, like sitting in a spa and then someone telling you that you have to swim the English Channel in nothing but Speedos?" Riley cleared his throat and shifted restlessly in the chair. "Why do they have pictures of babies on the wall of a fertility clinic? Isn't that like mocking you to fail? What if you do fail? Won't the happy little drooling babies really shit you?"
Evie sat up and stretched in her chair to capture Riley's mouth in a kiss as she smiled against his lips. "Some days I'm amazed you get anything done with everything that goes through your head. I think if the sperm lost its eagerness to swim, then they wouldn't be doing this. Can't make money off something with no results. Or at least proof of results. I do agree that the pictures are rather mocking and just rub salt into the wound, though."
"Yeah," Riley agreed, wringing his hands in front of him. His eyes were on the baby pictures, though and he frowned. "Do you think any of them had a Dad with HIV?" he asked quietly.
Evie looked at the pictures and tried to look past the overabundance of cuteness. At least they weren't in flower pots. "Well, I think maybe that one in the middle did. Looks more like a cherished kid, then just well fed."
Riley looked at the baby in the middle with a head full of dark hair. "None of those kids have anything in cuteness compared to RJ," he decided and it wasn't even biased. He put his hand up to his mouth and chewed his thumb nail. He realised his hands were shaking he was that nervous. "Jesus..." he murmured softly.
"Agreed," Evie replied quietly. Her eyes were back on Riley as she watched her fiancé. "You know that this won't change anything, right? If we get knocked back for whatever reason, I'm still going to marry you. I'll still love you. I will still spend the rest of my life with you."
Riley had a whole night of babysitting his godson ahead of him. He figured it had been a miracle getting Lachlan to even agree to the night away with his wife. At least he had something to focus on after the appointment. He feared he might go crazy if he didn't. "Yeah, I just... I'm not doubting you, Evie. I promise. I know we're pretty strong in that sense. It's not even the possibility of them telling me it can't work for me that's bothering me. It's if they tell me that we can try, then go on about the risks, and then we're sitting there with the decision. The actual decision, not the what ifs."
"Oh." Evie rest the side of her head on his shoulder, and stroked her free hand up and down his arm. He might have had a point there. Evie hadn't actually considered that when it came time to actually make the decision it could be hard. She'd just assumed that talking about it meant they'd say yes. What if they didn't? What if all the risks made them want to back out? Or what if they said yes? They'd actually be trying, and not just thinking about trying. "Will we want to think about it? We wouldn't wouldn't we? Or do we have to make a decision today?"
Riley shook his head. "I don't think so. I don't even think normal IVF clinics hold you to anything until the actual implantation occurs." He brushed his fingers through his hair. "I mean, it's going to take time. It's at least three weeks to a month just to get your body ready to take an IVF attempt. Before even that, they'll take sperm to test it, check my count, stuff like that. Then after that, take more sperm for the procedure and take your eggs, about a week for the washing and fertilisation process, then the implantation will take a day, then after that, a waiting game to see if it took. If it didn't, we start all over again..." He looked down at his shoes with a sigh. "Even if we said yes today, you probably won't even know you're pregnant for another two months, and that's without any hitches."
"Gives us time to have the wedding, and get settled," Evie pointed out. "None of this is bad, sweetheart. I mean, yeah, it's going to take time and patience, but we're not in a rush, are we? We're going to be ready two months from now, same as we are today. If we say yes. And if we don't, then it's still not going to change much. We'll still be us. You can continue to dote on RJ. Who knows, maybe Tab will pop out a couple of nieces and nephews for you."
Riley gave a small laugh. "Yeah... no. At least not any time soon. She's about as ready to have kids as I am to take the stage and give a rock concert," he said. "I had a patient a couple of weeks back who was this really successful business woman. Totally independent, worked really hard to get what she wanted, and I just told her she was pregnant. Of course, it wasn't in her plans or anything. I thought if I found myself in a position being a doctor to someone who could just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, I'd be envious. But I... it wasn't like that. She was fucking petrified and so sure she was going to suck as a mother. I just felt really sympathetic for her. I guess I just realised that where people like us and Tara and Lachlan who have to go through hell for something as simple as getting pregnant, other people are going through hell trying to prevent it because they fear it so much. We fear not being able to, some fear it actually happening to them."
"Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I'd ever found out I was pregnant from some one night stand. I think it's true some people are scared about getting pregnant. I just think those are the people that don't expect it, or don't plan for it like that businesswoman. I think if it was me, and you... and you didn't have HIV, I would have welcomed an accident. I want a kid we made, Riley. I really do, I can't deny that. And if this is going to give us that, then I say we go for it. I don't know if we should limit ourselves to a certain number of tries, but I do think that when it starts getting too much of a strain then we stop. When the disappointments start outnumbering the reasons why, we just stop."
Riley nodded and let out a slow breath. "Yeah," he conceded softly. "Yeah, you're right. Plus, it's... it's a lot of money. If we try too hard, we just might not have the money we need down the track if, god forbid, I actually get sicker with this. It's not something we can ever totally ignore." He took her hands and gripped them firmly, holding her gaze. "I wish it could be easier for you. I just need you to know that. I wish you could have everything you want without any of the pain."
"I know you do, sexy. And I love you for it, I really do, but if taking the pain means having you, then I don't care." She leaned forward to give him another kiss. "I wish things could be different for you, and I really wish you didn't beat yourself up so much sometimes. I know it might get harder, but I still don't care. We're going to be taking vows soon, and I do believe in the whole rich or poor, better or worse schtick. I'll be by your side no matter what because we're in this together."
"It's still okay to be bursting for a nervous pee right now, though, yeah?" Riley joked and rested his head against hers. "I don't know if I'll ever stop worrying. Maybe that's the whole point of wanting to be a parent? Something to put the energy into?"
"Yeah, it's still okay. That's why I'm not drinking any coffee in case I wet myself," she admitted with a laugh. "Of course it takes energy, something we create should. Plus then you have the body changing, well, mine. And birth, and crying, and nappies, and sleepless nights. It's all energy. But it's worth it."
Riley nodded. "Yeah, none of that seems to bother me, oddly enough. My own thoughts exhaust me more in an hour than a whole night babysitting RJ. I look at Lachlan who has turned out to be a really finicky and focused father and wonder if I'm going to be as anal and irritating as all fuck," he laughed. "If someone like Lachlan can check his son's diaper for a wet one five times in half an hour, what am I going to be like?"
Evie smirked and lifted his hand to her mouth to kiss it. "You're going to be perfect, that's what. I think you'll find that when you have our kid put in your arms, you'll just stop worrying. At least for five minutes. I still can't believe that Lachlan really is such a finicky and focused father. Paranoid might be another word, but I suppose he's justified."
"Can you really be paranoid when you have reason to worry, though?" Riley asked, wondering the same question himself since the whole IVF sperm thing had been an issue with them. "I'll think he'll probably end up being a really cool dad for the sole reason he is finicky, you know? RJ's going to always know his Dad is there watching out for him. They'll be close. That's not something you can Google and learn."
"Neither's having a godfather that thinks the world of you," Evie pointed out with a smile. She loved watching the two Rileys more than she might ever admit. "I can almost imagine what the two of them will be like when RJ's older. Think he'll have his father's wild streak?"
Riley laughed. "I don't know. I can't help but wonder when I watch them together, but he's his mother's son, too. I think he'll be a lot like Tara as well, plus she likely wouldn't let him get up to ninety percent of what Lachlan used to," he said with a smirk. "The boy was wild, but not dangerously so. He pushed the envelope just enough to keep it real and fun. But then, look at Tab and me. Neither of us are anything like either of our parents. Of course, we didn't have a lot of kid-parental interaction. We just influenced each other."
Evie lifted her head to look at Riley, a smirk on her lips. "You really did, didn't you? I can see it in both of you. Sometimes you're more like each other than you could ever realise. I think it's very special what you have. I know we're going to have just one kid, but I would have given anything for them to know a bond like that."
"I guess it can be annoying sometimes," Riley conceded, laughing. "Like when she's screaming through the bathroom door at me. I'd like the bond a bit more lax at those times. At least we know they'll have RJ to be friends with. A lot of our bunch are only kids and turned out brilliantly."
"Like me," Evie said with a grin before laughing. "I think I turned out pretty fucking good. They will definitely have RJ to be friends with. It'll be awesome."
Riley smiled with a small laugh. "It almost seems like a dream," he said softly. "I don't know if I'll ever believe it until it's actually happening."
"Me either. Until then I say we just try and take each step as it comes. We're never going to get it all happening at once. It can't." Evie gave him a warm smile as she caressed his cheek. "That's one benefit of this. We won't suddenly be launched into it."
"I have enough time to pee myself and maybe throw up a little," Riley agreed, smirking. "I don't know if I'll ever stop being nervous."
"I don't think we should stop. If we stop, we might wind up taking it all for granted."
Riley just nodded silently. There wasn't really much else they could do but wait and be nervous anyway.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,608
- James C. Dobson
Co-written with imnodoctor
Riley was nervous. Actually, no. 'Nervous' wasn't even close to what Riley was right then. Physically, it was sort of a cross between feeling a little sick, headachy, and like he had had far too large a caffeine hit with the distinct feeling that he needed a nervous pee. Mentally, the pictures of sperm and wombs on the wall were doing his head in for some unknown reason. He was a damn doctor, for shit's sake! He sat stiffly in the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair, one of his long legs bouncing anxiously as he looked at his watch for about the fiftieth time since they arrived ten minutes ago. Evie had taken the job of filling their information into the form on the clipboard given to them on their arrival. Riley had tried, but his mind kept wandering beyond the first standard questions like 'Name' and 'Marital status'. He didn't have a hope in hell of succinctly answering 'What is the purpose of your visit today?' in one measly little fucking line. One line!
It probably didn't help that he looked like he had been in a pub brawl. It was just a couple of days after the punch in the face to have the bruises and cut looking all gross and extremely unattractive. He really wished Lachlan had gloves on that night. At least then that Celtic ring he wore on his right hand wouldn't have broken the skin to require suturing. Would they give sperm-washed IVF babies to someone who got into fist fights? Not that it was even a fight, but it looked like it could have been. He shifted and uncrossed his legs, but barely ten seconds later, recrossed them and started bouncing them again. Why the fuck was the doctor so late, anyway? If he was running a private practice, he would be on time every appointment, no matter what. At least, that's what his irrational brain was telling him to justify how fucking scared he was right now. He cleared his throat and folded his arms across his stomach. "Maybe this is a mistake," he said in a whisper, anxious green eyes connecting with Evie's.
Evie rarely felt nervous, but even she had to admit to having butterflies, and a similar need to have a nervous pee. She was glad she hadn't drunk anything while waiting, worried that if she ever did get into the doctor's office she'd have to get right back up to run to the toilet, or sit there and wet herself. She covered Riley's hand with hers, and pushed her fingers between his as she rest her chin on his shoulder. "It's going to be fine, sexy. I'd offer to give you a calming hand-job, but I'm not sure the other people waiting would appreciate the free show."
"What if they want my sperm now? Do you think they will? Do you think they have special cups for HIV sperm? Do you think when they wash it, it loses it's eagerness to swim? You know, like sitting in a spa and then someone telling you that you have to swim the English Channel in nothing but Speedos?" Riley cleared his throat and shifted restlessly in the chair. "Why do they have pictures of babies on the wall of a fertility clinic? Isn't that like mocking you to fail? What if you do fail? Won't the happy little drooling babies really shit you?"
Evie sat up and stretched in her chair to capture Riley's mouth in a kiss as she smiled against his lips. "Some days I'm amazed you get anything done with everything that goes through your head. I think if the sperm lost its eagerness to swim, then they wouldn't be doing this. Can't make money off something with no results. Or at least proof of results. I do agree that the pictures are rather mocking and just rub salt into the wound, though."
"Yeah," Riley agreed, wringing his hands in front of him. His eyes were on the baby pictures, though and he frowned. "Do you think any of them had a Dad with HIV?" he asked quietly.
Evie looked at the pictures and tried to look past the overabundance of cuteness. At least they weren't in flower pots. "Well, I think maybe that one in the middle did. Looks more like a cherished kid, then just well fed."
Riley looked at the baby in the middle with a head full of dark hair. "None of those kids have anything in cuteness compared to RJ," he decided and it wasn't even biased. He put his hand up to his mouth and chewed his thumb nail. He realised his hands were shaking he was that nervous. "Jesus..." he murmured softly.
"Agreed," Evie replied quietly. Her eyes were back on Riley as she watched her fiancé. "You know that this won't change anything, right? If we get knocked back for whatever reason, I'm still going to marry you. I'll still love you. I will still spend the rest of my life with you."
Riley had a whole night of babysitting his godson ahead of him. He figured it had been a miracle getting Lachlan to even agree to the night away with his wife. At least he had something to focus on after the appointment. He feared he might go crazy if he didn't. "Yeah, I just... I'm not doubting you, Evie. I promise. I know we're pretty strong in that sense. It's not even the possibility of them telling me it can't work for me that's bothering me. It's if they tell me that we can try, then go on about the risks, and then we're sitting there with the decision. The actual decision, not the what ifs."
"Oh." Evie rest the side of her head on his shoulder, and stroked her free hand up and down his arm. He might have had a point there. Evie hadn't actually considered that when it came time to actually make the decision it could be hard. She'd just assumed that talking about it meant they'd say yes. What if they didn't? What if all the risks made them want to back out? Or what if they said yes? They'd actually be trying, and not just thinking about trying. "Will we want to think about it? We wouldn't wouldn't we? Or do we have to make a decision today?"
Riley shook his head. "I don't think so. I don't even think normal IVF clinics hold you to anything until the actual implantation occurs." He brushed his fingers through his hair. "I mean, it's going to take time. It's at least three weeks to a month just to get your body ready to take an IVF attempt. Before even that, they'll take sperm to test it, check my count, stuff like that. Then after that, take more sperm for the procedure and take your eggs, about a week for the washing and fertilisation process, then the implantation will take a day, then after that, a waiting game to see if it took. If it didn't, we start all over again..." He looked down at his shoes with a sigh. "Even if we said yes today, you probably won't even know you're pregnant for another two months, and that's without any hitches."
"Gives us time to have the wedding, and get settled," Evie pointed out. "None of this is bad, sweetheart. I mean, yeah, it's going to take time and patience, but we're not in a rush, are we? We're going to be ready two months from now, same as we are today. If we say yes. And if we don't, then it's still not going to change much. We'll still be us. You can continue to dote on RJ. Who knows, maybe Tab will pop out a couple of nieces and nephews for you."
Riley gave a small laugh. "Yeah... no. At least not any time soon. She's about as ready to have kids as I am to take the stage and give a rock concert," he said. "I had a patient a couple of weeks back who was this really successful business woman. Totally independent, worked really hard to get what she wanted, and I just told her she was pregnant. Of course, it wasn't in her plans or anything. I thought if I found myself in a position being a doctor to someone who could just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, I'd be envious. But I... it wasn't like that. She was fucking petrified and so sure she was going to suck as a mother. I just felt really sympathetic for her. I guess I just realised that where people like us and Tara and Lachlan who have to go through hell for something as simple as getting pregnant, other people are going through hell trying to prevent it because they fear it so much. We fear not being able to, some fear it actually happening to them."
"Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I'd ever found out I was pregnant from some one night stand. I think it's true some people are scared about getting pregnant. I just think those are the people that don't expect it, or don't plan for it like that businesswoman. I think if it was me, and you... and you didn't have HIV, I would have welcomed an accident. I want a kid we made, Riley. I really do, I can't deny that. And if this is going to give us that, then I say we go for it. I don't know if we should limit ourselves to a certain number of tries, but I do think that when it starts getting too much of a strain then we stop. When the disappointments start outnumbering the reasons why, we just stop."
Riley nodded and let out a slow breath. "Yeah," he conceded softly. "Yeah, you're right. Plus, it's... it's a lot of money. If we try too hard, we just might not have the money we need down the track if, god forbid, I actually get sicker with this. It's not something we can ever totally ignore." He took her hands and gripped them firmly, holding her gaze. "I wish it could be easier for you. I just need you to know that. I wish you could have everything you want without any of the pain."
"I know you do, sexy. And I love you for it, I really do, but if taking the pain means having you, then I don't care." She leaned forward to give him another kiss. "I wish things could be different for you, and I really wish you didn't beat yourself up so much sometimes. I know it might get harder, but I still don't care. We're going to be taking vows soon, and I do believe in the whole rich or poor, better or worse schtick. I'll be by your side no matter what because we're in this together."
"It's still okay to be bursting for a nervous pee right now, though, yeah?" Riley joked and rested his head against hers. "I don't know if I'll ever stop worrying. Maybe that's the whole point of wanting to be a parent? Something to put the energy into?"
"Yeah, it's still okay. That's why I'm not drinking any coffee in case I wet myself," she admitted with a laugh. "Of course it takes energy, something we create should. Plus then you have the body changing, well, mine. And birth, and crying, and nappies, and sleepless nights. It's all energy. But it's worth it."
Riley nodded. "Yeah, none of that seems to bother me, oddly enough. My own thoughts exhaust me more in an hour than a whole night babysitting RJ. I look at Lachlan who has turned out to be a really finicky and focused father and wonder if I'm going to be as anal and irritating as all fuck," he laughed. "If someone like Lachlan can check his son's diaper for a wet one five times in half an hour, what am I going to be like?"
Evie smirked and lifted his hand to her mouth to kiss it. "You're going to be perfect, that's what. I think you'll find that when you have our kid put in your arms, you'll just stop worrying. At least for five minutes. I still can't believe that Lachlan really is such a finicky and focused father. Paranoid might be another word, but I suppose he's justified."
"Can you really be paranoid when you have reason to worry, though?" Riley asked, wondering the same question himself since the whole IVF sperm thing had been an issue with them. "I'll think he'll probably end up being a really cool dad for the sole reason he is finicky, you know? RJ's going to always know his Dad is there watching out for him. They'll be close. That's not something you can Google and learn."
"Neither's having a godfather that thinks the world of you," Evie pointed out with a smile. She loved watching the two Rileys more than she might ever admit. "I can almost imagine what the two of them will be like when RJ's older. Think he'll have his father's wild streak?"
Riley laughed. "I don't know. I can't help but wonder when I watch them together, but he's his mother's son, too. I think he'll be a lot like Tara as well, plus she likely wouldn't let him get up to ninety percent of what Lachlan used to," he said with a smirk. "The boy was wild, but not dangerously so. He pushed the envelope just enough to keep it real and fun. But then, look at Tab and me. Neither of us are anything like either of our parents. Of course, we didn't have a lot of kid-parental interaction. We just influenced each other."
Evie lifted her head to look at Riley, a smirk on her lips. "You really did, didn't you? I can see it in both of you. Sometimes you're more like each other than you could ever realise. I think it's very special what you have. I know we're going to have just one kid, but I would have given anything for them to know a bond like that."
"I guess it can be annoying sometimes," Riley conceded, laughing. "Like when she's screaming through the bathroom door at me. I'd like the bond a bit more lax at those times. At least we know they'll have RJ to be friends with. A lot of our bunch are only kids and turned out brilliantly."
"Like me," Evie said with a grin before laughing. "I think I turned out pretty fucking good. They will definitely have RJ to be friends with. It'll be awesome."
Riley smiled with a small laugh. "It almost seems like a dream," he said softly. "I don't know if I'll ever believe it until it's actually happening."
"Me either. Until then I say we just try and take each step as it comes. We're never going to get it all happening at once. It can't." Evie gave him a warm smile as she caressed his cheek. "That's one benefit of this. We won't suddenly be launched into it."
"I have enough time to pee myself and maybe throw up a little," Riley agreed, smirking. "I don't know if I'll ever stop being nervous."
"I don't think we should stop. If we stop, we might wind up taking it all for granted."
Riley just nodded silently. There wasn't really much else they could do but wait and be nervous anyway.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,608