couples_therapy | 30.4. Damage
30.4. Damage
Riley marked a large red cross through the September the eighth on his calendar as he listened to the monotonous ringing on the other end of his cell phone. Just eleven days to go until he got the results of his HIV test. It certainly sounded less than fourteen days, obviously, but it didn’t feel any less like he had a cavern of motionless time stretching before him. Literally his whole life was balancing on what those test results were going to say. Why couldn’t it just come quicker? Was that too much to ask?
Everywhere he turned, people seemed to be offering him positive platitudes and encouraging words. The Infectious Diseases Clinic had been repeatedly assuring him that even with the splenectomy in his medical history, the chances of infection from the amount of blood on the needle were slim. His therapist had been trying to brace him for both good and bad scenarios, but he always seemed to come away from the sessions feeling more scared than when he went in. Even the smallest chance he was positive was still a chance and it was like a big black sheet blocking his view of his entire future. He felt damaged by the whole thing and was started to think he’d never be the same again.
He sighed and snapped his phone shut, putting it on the kitchen bench so he could light up a cigarette. He’d been trying to get a hold of Tab since he woke up to see how she was feeling. He knew she wasn’t a morning person, and probably even more so in the wake of the accident, but he was fucking worried about her. That unsettled anxiousness was settling in his gut again and he had a nine hour shift ahead of him that day. All he wanted to do was talk to her to hear for himself she was okay, but no answer was no answer. He tried to quash the worry so he could focus on getting ready for work. Truth was, he was wondering how he was going to make it through the shift. Then he remembered that he was tired and distracted the day the patient stabbed him with the needle, so he had to get his shit together somehow.
And then there was Evie. Things just seemed to be going great there and he couldn’t help but just continue to wonder why. He exhaled the mouthful of smoke quickly and gulped down the last of his second morning coffee. He used to be able to survive on one or none, but lately with the results looming, he was having a more and more difficult time sleeping at night and he needed at least three cups to rouse himself and function through the day. The nightmares still came thick and fast, mostly about Tab, sometimes about Lachlan, Beth, and even one about Evie turning around and realising she didn’t want anything to do with him because of the HIV issue. It was irrational, but nightmares usually were hard to explain and had no logic. The only thing he could think of was that he was just so scared he would lose everyone if he was diagnosed HIV Positive.
Evie had come along at a time where he was literally not expecting anything to change in his life. The needlestick had been so painfully all-encompassing of his life that when he and Beth made the decision that they should part ways again, romance had been the last item on his agenda. In fact, he’d convinced himself that it would likely be a very long time before he considered dating again because the events of this past year had left him feeling so tired and drained. He’d come to just exist with each day as it came and dealing with what he was feeling as it dawned when he woke up in the morning. It seemed to be the only way to make it to the three month mark until he had those test results in his hands. Some days were much worse than others, and sometimes he could almost forget about it. But not completely. It still lingered in the back of his mind like a niggling toothache that couldn’t go away.
But Evie took him by surprise and she knew what he’d gone through… and still, she didn’t care. He never expected them to hit it off like they did. He found that she was a burst of positive light when he needed to make it over the hurdles of those last couple of weeks. He didn’t want to think what would happen if he wasn’t given a clean bill of health on the twentieth. He wanted to live in this little bubble of denial just a little bit longer because he was too fearful to consider what would happen if Evie couldn’t take him damaged. Being positive wasn’t “might be” positive. It could lead to many issues he didn’t want to think about.
And if he didn’t want to think about them - in his own body - how could he expect Evie to want to?
- Tabitha Browne [asinthecity], Evie Miller [imnodoctor] and Lachlan Campbell [drcampbell] referenced with permission
Word Count | 856
Riley marked a large red cross through the September the eighth on his calendar as he listened to the monotonous ringing on the other end of his cell phone. Just eleven days to go until he got the results of his HIV test. It certainly sounded less than fourteen days, obviously, but it didn’t feel any less like he had a cavern of motionless time stretching before him. Literally his whole life was balancing on what those test results were going to say. Why couldn’t it just come quicker? Was that too much to ask?
Everywhere he turned, people seemed to be offering him positive platitudes and encouraging words. The Infectious Diseases Clinic had been repeatedly assuring him that even with the splenectomy in his medical history, the chances of infection from the amount of blood on the needle were slim. His therapist had been trying to brace him for both good and bad scenarios, but he always seemed to come away from the sessions feeling more scared than when he went in. Even the smallest chance he was positive was still a chance and it was like a big black sheet blocking his view of his entire future. He felt damaged by the whole thing and was started to think he’d never be the same again.
He sighed and snapped his phone shut, putting it on the kitchen bench so he could light up a cigarette. He’d been trying to get a hold of Tab since he woke up to see how she was feeling. He knew she wasn’t a morning person, and probably even more so in the wake of the accident, but he was fucking worried about her. That unsettled anxiousness was settling in his gut again and he had a nine hour shift ahead of him that day. All he wanted to do was talk to her to hear for himself she was okay, but no answer was no answer. He tried to quash the worry so he could focus on getting ready for work. Truth was, he was wondering how he was going to make it through the shift. Then he remembered that he was tired and distracted the day the patient stabbed him with the needle, so he had to get his shit together somehow.
And then there was Evie. Things just seemed to be going great there and he couldn’t help but just continue to wonder why. He exhaled the mouthful of smoke quickly and gulped down the last of his second morning coffee. He used to be able to survive on one or none, but lately with the results looming, he was having a more and more difficult time sleeping at night and he needed at least three cups to rouse himself and function through the day. The nightmares still came thick and fast, mostly about Tab, sometimes about Lachlan, Beth, and even one about Evie turning around and realising she didn’t want anything to do with him because of the HIV issue. It was irrational, but nightmares usually were hard to explain and had no logic. The only thing he could think of was that he was just so scared he would lose everyone if he was diagnosed HIV Positive.
Evie had come along at a time where he was literally not expecting anything to change in his life. The needlestick had been so painfully all-encompassing of his life that when he and Beth made the decision that they should part ways again, romance had been the last item on his agenda. In fact, he’d convinced himself that it would likely be a very long time before he considered dating again because the events of this past year had left him feeling so tired and drained. He’d come to just exist with each day as it came and dealing with what he was feeling as it dawned when he woke up in the morning. It seemed to be the only way to make it to the three month mark until he had those test results in his hands. Some days were much worse than others, and sometimes he could almost forget about it. But not completely. It still lingered in the back of his mind like a niggling toothache that couldn’t go away.
But Evie took him by surprise and she knew what he’d gone through… and still, she didn’t care. He never expected them to hit it off like they did. He found that she was a burst of positive light when he needed to make it over the hurdles of those last couple of weeks. He didn’t want to think what would happen if he wasn’t given a clean bill of health on the twentieth. He wanted to live in this little bubble of denial just a little bit longer because he was too fearful to consider what would happen if Evie couldn’t take him damaged. Being positive wasn’t “might be” positive. It could lead to many issues he didn’t want to think about.
And if he didn’t want to think about them - in his own body - how could he expect Evie to want to?
- Tabitha Browne [asinthecity], Evie Miller [imnodoctor] and Lachlan Campbell [drcampbell] referenced with permission
Word Count | 856