i'm tired of being bored; i'm through with the headaches
The buzz word was last week, and, still is, anticlimax. I think my life is so boring and depressing lately that I rest so much on the few events that make my mundane life somehow worth living, that they never quite come up to my expectations. There's so much pressure to have 'the best time ever' that the second I stop trying to have the best time of my life (because I'm 19 and supposed to loving every second) I realise that I'm actually hating every second.
And I've recently developed this intense jealousy for anyone who appears to be doing better than me, feeling more fulfilled or successful, or closer to achieving their dreams than I am. Which, lets face it at the moment, is pretty much everyone.
I just can't seem to be satisfied with anything anymore. Whilst everyone else seems content with sitting around watching football and drinking beer, I sit there wishing I was at home, or doing something else. And when I'm at home I hate myself for being this depressive reclusive hermit, whilst everyone else is out having fun. I can't ever seem to feel happy, because I'm always looking for something more. I can't even seem to find a boyfriend because something inside me rejects the nice ones for the ones with girlfriends, or the ones who treat me like dirt.
And I wish money didn't play such a factor in my happiness. My parents call me useless because I can't seem to save. Don't you think I feel useless enough knowing that even when I get paid I'm still in debt? You can call me stupid, but don't you think I feel stupid enough not being able to drive, or haul my ass out of bed on one of my two days off, because I'm so utterly bored of everything that lies outside of my bedroom door?
Taking Back Sunday was last night- I couldn't help thinking that the evening was costing me £50, and therefore trying to get £50s worth of enjoyment out of it. But although they played all the hits, and I danced and took peekatures, there was something not quite right. There's something extremely anticlimatic about seeing your favourite band, I suppose they never were going to fulfil my expectations. I wish I'd seen them the first time round.
And Rich. I spent the whole train journey thinking I wouldn't see you, and then you end up stood behind me in the queue (but for some irritating goths). And you are twice as beautiful and twice as tall in real life. And we, are twice as stupid. Just like Taking Back Sunday, I waited for it for two years, and when it finally came along, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
No one will read this
Rosie xx
And I've recently developed this intense jealousy for anyone who appears to be doing better than me, feeling more fulfilled or successful, or closer to achieving their dreams than I am. Which, lets face it at the moment, is pretty much everyone.
I just can't seem to be satisfied with anything anymore. Whilst everyone else seems content with sitting around watching football and drinking beer, I sit there wishing I was at home, or doing something else. And when I'm at home I hate myself for being this depressive reclusive hermit, whilst everyone else is out having fun. I can't ever seem to feel happy, because I'm always looking for something more. I can't even seem to find a boyfriend because something inside me rejects the nice ones for the ones with girlfriends, or the ones who treat me like dirt.
And I wish money didn't play such a factor in my happiness. My parents call me useless because I can't seem to save. Don't you think I feel useless enough knowing that even when I get paid I'm still in debt? You can call me stupid, but don't you think I feel stupid enough not being able to drive, or haul my ass out of bed on one of my two days off, because I'm so utterly bored of everything that lies outside of my bedroom door?
Taking Back Sunday was last night- I couldn't help thinking that the evening was costing me £50, and therefore trying to get £50s worth of enjoyment out of it. But although they played all the hits, and I danced and took peekatures, there was something not quite right. There's something extremely anticlimatic about seeing your favourite band, I suppose they never were going to fulfil my expectations. I wish I'd seen them the first time round.
And Rich. I spent the whole train journey thinking I wouldn't see you, and then you end up stood behind me in the queue (but for some irritating goths). And you are twice as beautiful and twice as tall in real life. And we, are twice as stupid. Just like Taking Back Sunday, I waited for it for two years, and when it finally came along, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
No one will read this
Rosie xx