Emotional Distance
This post is a bit overdue, I lost track of time, and will be a more current one.
I'm taking this week off to try and re-center myself as I started to lose my balance emotionally. I've felt it creeping in the past 2 weeks. I guess this returns to the idea of pushing through it last time I wrote. Pushing past worked fine when it came to meeting weekly goals to do writing for Rylera, but I've been feeling something was getting lost in that. I put my finger on it a few days ago in how I was becoming more emotionally distant.
It's been awhile since I've experienced mixed emotional states, expericing both depression and happiness at the same time. And by awhile I mean several years. I forgot how confusing it was.
I woke up legitimately happy a week or so ago. I haven't felt that way in 4 years. No, I'm not exaggerating. I haven't felt happiness as an emotion since before my breakup with Mariah. Because that went into the fallout with Warren, the deathmarch to the failed Kickstarter and the giving up on my last dream. I even felt Puk resurface for the first time since then. I've been confident he was buried, but there were times I wasn't sure I'd ever feel safe and happy enough that he'd pop up again. I don't have words for how excited I felt when that happened, to reconnect with that piece of me. But I also feel like just as quickly as he popped up, he went back to ground. I don't think he went far though, which is comforting. It was more reassuring it happened at all because over time I had my doubts I'd feel that way again.
And yet the sleep disturbances are still there every few nights. Waking up sometime in the night for an hour or more and with intense ruminating thoughts. Sometimes it's processing things with Mariah. I'm replaying a lot of old memories of the times we saw each other and thinking about her own moodiness, or anytime she wasn't noticeably happy and wondering how much of that was my fault. How much was I ignoring signs or failing to question? Realizing she blocked me on FB only made those sleepless nights more common. Been trying to figure why she felt the need other than just anger. It's not like I was reaching out to her. Despite telling myself regularly the bridge is already burnt, that she said things that can't ever be taken back, it still hurt and made things feel more final. The more time passes, the more I want to shake my head at the idea that she wants what's best for me, only to wound me deeper than I think she's willing to consider.
Other ruminating thoughts creep in about distrusting people, that despite my efforts to break free of old cycles I'm just repeating them anyway. The sort of thinking that makes me want to give up and stop trying. Then I remind myself I don't need to stress that. All of this is to reach a point where I am free to commit suicide and chose not to. Trying to make things better hasn't altered that plan. And the plan was to do something with the time I had left, hoping I could make a difference. I chose to start putting myself out there in a creative headspace on Rylera without thinking there'd be any help. I had resolved to give up WoW because then I'd have the time to sit with my depression, stare at the wall for an hour or two and sit with the pain because I had nothing else better to do. That baseline was built in to the model because efficiency was not important. And yet, hope has made things harder. The idea of keeping to weekly goals, having people to solicit feedback from, made me want to enjoy what I was doing instead of just thinking about suffering through it because why not. A similar logic crops up in regards to losing weight or trying to keep to a disciplined sleep schedule.
When there is feeling better, things all move in that direction. When there is feeling bad/giving up, everything moves in that direction. Because feeling good, doing healthy things requires discipline, effort. Giving up means foregoing effort and seeking gratification. And so in these emotional periods that screw with my sleep and fill those late waking hours with existential dread, it erodes my willpower. Hope in others is a part of what sustains me and it's flagging right now. And I had to remind myself that before I had hope, I had committed myself to this course of action. But they're 2 different emotional tracks and it's difficult to switch between them.
I don't like the idea of relying on willpower. I know some people who put a lot of stock in it, but I think they're very wrong. Willpower is a finite resource and decision-making gets worse as we spend it. I have less than I used to. When something tests ones willpower, you're effectively rolling against that challenge. Sooner or later the odds will catch up with you. If you want lasting change, it can't be premised upon willpower. The things that used to tempt you, can't be temptations anymore. Willpower changes the surface, real change takes place deeper.
The way I could even deduce I was shutting down emotionally was through my daily interactions with Onca. The first week I just thought it was because I was having difficulty focusing on the writing and needed to take a bit more private time to sort it out. When it continued into the next week I began to worry but didn't connect the two weeks as being related, figuring it would pass. As the week went on I saw the pattern of behavior continuing. And even then, it didn't fully click until one of those middle of the night think-fests when I was feeling the lack of connection between us I was drawing energy from, and after a few minutes I realized it was my behavior that was changing and why the result was different.
I talked about it with her and she could sense what was going on. I've had to make more of a point of putting in the effort. It's a big reason I wanted to skip working on Rylera this week, too worried it'll cause me to get distracted and focus on the work instead again. And I'm pretty homebound this week waiting on some minor ankle tendon to heal. I've been getting some minor pain after long walks recently, just the usual sort of wear and tear I get each year when i do these walks on the daily. It's minor and should be healed with a week of rest. I dropped enough weight and built up enough baseline conditioning that I can start upgrading to running which is more time efficient and effective anyway. Running above a certain weight threshold is harder on my knees, so this avoids the knee pain that would accompany that. Might as well have a good rest.
I'm taking this week off to try and re-center myself as I started to lose my balance emotionally. I've felt it creeping in the past 2 weeks. I guess this returns to the idea of pushing through it last time I wrote. Pushing past worked fine when it came to meeting weekly goals to do writing for Rylera, but I've been feeling something was getting lost in that. I put my finger on it a few days ago in how I was becoming more emotionally distant.
It's been awhile since I've experienced mixed emotional states, expericing both depression and happiness at the same time. And by awhile I mean several years. I forgot how confusing it was.
I woke up legitimately happy a week or so ago. I haven't felt that way in 4 years. No, I'm not exaggerating. I haven't felt happiness as an emotion since before my breakup with Mariah. Because that went into the fallout with Warren, the deathmarch to the failed Kickstarter and the giving up on my last dream. I even felt Puk resurface for the first time since then. I've been confident he was buried, but there were times I wasn't sure I'd ever feel safe and happy enough that he'd pop up again. I don't have words for how excited I felt when that happened, to reconnect with that piece of me. But I also feel like just as quickly as he popped up, he went back to ground. I don't think he went far though, which is comforting. It was more reassuring it happened at all because over time I had my doubts I'd feel that way again.
And yet the sleep disturbances are still there every few nights. Waking up sometime in the night for an hour or more and with intense ruminating thoughts. Sometimes it's processing things with Mariah. I'm replaying a lot of old memories of the times we saw each other and thinking about her own moodiness, or anytime she wasn't noticeably happy and wondering how much of that was my fault. How much was I ignoring signs or failing to question? Realizing she blocked me on FB only made those sleepless nights more common. Been trying to figure why she felt the need other than just anger. It's not like I was reaching out to her. Despite telling myself regularly the bridge is already burnt, that she said things that can't ever be taken back, it still hurt and made things feel more final. The more time passes, the more I want to shake my head at the idea that she wants what's best for me, only to wound me deeper than I think she's willing to consider.
Other ruminating thoughts creep in about distrusting people, that despite my efforts to break free of old cycles I'm just repeating them anyway. The sort of thinking that makes me want to give up and stop trying. Then I remind myself I don't need to stress that. All of this is to reach a point where I am free to commit suicide and chose not to. Trying to make things better hasn't altered that plan. And the plan was to do something with the time I had left, hoping I could make a difference. I chose to start putting myself out there in a creative headspace on Rylera without thinking there'd be any help. I had resolved to give up WoW because then I'd have the time to sit with my depression, stare at the wall for an hour or two and sit with the pain because I had nothing else better to do. That baseline was built in to the model because efficiency was not important. And yet, hope has made things harder. The idea of keeping to weekly goals, having people to solicit feedback from, made me want to enjoy what I was doing instead of just thinking about suffering through it because why not. A similar logic crops up in regards to losing weight or trying to keep to a disciplined sleep schedule.
When there is feeling better, things all move in that direction. When there is feeling bad/giving up, everything moves in that direction. Because feeling good, doing healthy things requires discipline, effort. Giving up means foregoing effort and seeking gratification. And so in these emotional periods that screw with my sleep and fill those late waking hours with existential dread, it erodes my willpower. Hope in others is a part of what sustains me and it's flagging right now. And I had to remind myself that before I had hope, I had committed myself to this course of action. But they're 2 different emotional tracks and it's difficult to switch between them.
I don't like the idea of relying on willpower. I know some people who put a lot of stock in it, but I think they're very wrong. Willpower is a finite resource and decision-making gets worse as we spend it. I have less than I used to. When something tests ones willpower, you're effectively rolling against that challenge. Sooner or later the odds will catch up with you. If you want lasting change, it can't be premised upon willpower. The things that used to tempt you, can't be temptations anymore. Willpower changes the surface, real change takes place deeper.
The way I could even deduce I was shutting down emotionally was through my daily interactions with Onca. The first week I just thought it was because I was having difficulty focusing on the writing and needed to take a bit more private time to sort it out. When it continued into the next week I began to worry but didn't connect the two weeks as being related, figuring it would pass. As the week went on I saw the pattern of behavior continuing. And even then, it didn't fully click until one of those middle of the night think-fests when I was feeling the lack of connection between us I was drawing energy from, and after a few minutes I realized it was my behavior that was changing and why the result was different.
I talked about it with her and she could sense what was going on. I've had to make more of a point of putting in the effort. It's a big reason I wanted to skip working on Rylera this week, too worried it'll cause me to get distracted and focus on the work instead again. And I'm pretty homebound this week waiting on some minor ankle tendon to heal. I've been getting some minor pain after long walks recently, just the usual sort of wear and tear I get each year when i do these walks on the daily. It's minor and should be healed with a week of rest. I dropped enough weight and built up enough baseline conditioning that I can start upgrading to running which is more time efficient and effective anyway. Running above a certain weight threshold is harder on my knees, so this avoids the knee pain that would accompany that. Might as well have a good rest.