Restart # ?
The warmer weather is once more upon us and with it I get my shit together. It's a positive feedback loop between venturing outside for long walks, watching my diet, being disciplined about my sleep schedule etc. It's still up in the air how getting to the gym will go with the pandemic going on. And as part of this positive feedback loop, writing also helps stabilize my moods. I feel like the lack of writing has been more keenly felt the past 2 years since I ended therapy. Journal writing was a place to reflect on those sessions and build upon them. In the absence of therapy, it is the entirety of my mental health management. And yet I've avoided writing for 2 reasons:
The first is really just self-destructive. I've been low for a long time and in ways I've not openly shared with anyone. When you're planning to kill yourself, you don't tell people. Telling people is just gonna interferre. And if I'm at a point where I'm resolving myself to that course of action, I've already reached out to people a number of times and gotten nowhere. Most people complain about the lack of chances, never seeing all the ones they completely missed. But as you settle in making peace with that outcome, there's no motivation for self-improvement. And that's what the purpose of self-reflection here is ultimately.
The second is of a sort of privacy. Obviously, that's tied in to the first reason. But the second is resentment at people who feel they would respond if I reached out, only to find themselves being shit-talked while they read my journal. Which has its own issue of just being passive-aggressive. So, as far as I'm concerned, I've said as much as I will about on the topic of who I am upset with and why. The rest of the details just aren't necessary.
I spent most of last Summer really coming to terms with the decision to suicide. As for why I'm still alive, I have a debt I want to repay before I go. Someone went out on a limb for me and I can't leave her out there alone. Because I know too well how it feels to be left out there and I can't bear to inflict that on someone else who went so far for so long. And I figure I can finish paying that debt early next year, so at current, I've got about 1 year to go.
In theory, that's been the loose plan for a few years actually. The question is what I would do when I got there. If I'd gotten my shit together and wanted to live, great. If not, well I was now free to indulge myself. So, last Summer was coming to terms with the fact that things had not gotten better even a little.
Isn't the burst of energy right now at odds with all of this? Yes and no. Firstly, at the very least I could try to muster enough to get some reprieve for a few months. And it could double as one last flourish before the end. Second, I resolved myself to make one last go of things, what did I have to lose anymore? It's not uncommon for suicidal people to feel happy near the end because to them, the suicide is something to look forward to, an end to the suffering. But, it's kind of hard to fear consequences when you're eyeing the exit. There's a sense of release to just saying whatever and not being afraid of the consequences anymore. And on the plus side, when you're facing the end, it's easier to feel generous because you're letting go of the things that used to occupy you. And that feels good.
Some of it came down to a tarot reading month or so ago, asking for a sign if there was still a chance to turn things around, rebirth if you will. The cards were favorable and so far they've been pretty accurate.
I made the decision to give up World of Warcraft after like 10 years of playing. I found around the end of last year I wasn't enjoying the game as much. I was not looking forward to raid. I had a harder time focusing on farm content. I didn't feel like I was making any friendships in my current guild, but I haven't felt that way since me and Mariah ran VV several years ago. The newest patch kept me involved for a few months but I found myself pretty quickly returning to the malaise. The big problem was that I'd been playing WoW for so long I feel like part of me forgot how to human (though in talking with Onca it seems I'm pretty quick to remember how). Moreover, I got into the game to kill a lot of time and it did its job well. I've long had that problem, getting bored and not knowing what to do with myself. So that probably come back to the forefront and I'd be jumping into it with no plan.
I quickly tied up loose ends in game though, giving away the wealth I'd just finished earning, pretty much making gold cap as my final achievement before exiting the game. I did everything I could to pass along wealth to the guild and wished them luck in finally getting their Cutting Edge achievement, beating the hardest difficulty of a raid before the next one releases. It looks like they'll actually do it this tier, a first for the guild. With a bad expansion winding down, players were likely to not be motivated to farm the necessary materials for raiding, so I purchased enough to last the rest of the expansion. I still had a lot leftover so I gave away chunks of gold to people who'd been friendly to me in my time there. Most didn't want to accept it and only did so on a provisional basis that they'd return it when I came back. They weren't big on accepting I was not going to let myself go back. If I give myself an out, I might take it. That being said, I've been out of game for 2 weeks now and haven't missed it at all.
I think I got really burnt out. But moreover, playing at the Mythic level really showed me the last part of the game I hadn't gotten to see. Games are all about patterns and once you've really learned the pattern, it gets boring. Each level of difficulty in the game has its own pattern. Mythic was the last one I got to see and it turned out not to be that interesting for me personally. Mythic places such an emphasis on exact execution and timing that there is very little room for reflex and spontaneity. The game becomes how well can you follow the script, and you'll rehearse that script 150 times until you get it perfect. When I mentioend this to my guild, they said that was part of the fun for them; so different strokes for different folks.
I was a bit flattered when my GM tried to make time to talk me out of leaving game. He knew I was too valuable a player to let go so easily. I'm not the best player but I'm good, consistent with attendance and reliable in performance. I'm easy to get along with which is important on a team, and I bring a ton of wealth to almost single-handedly pay for the entire team's supplies.
I was watching a video discussing the idea of dopamine addiction, or rather how so many of our daily habits are flooding our brains with dopamine and it has an adverse effect on us. Well, the vast majority of my habits fell into that category and i matched the symptoms laid out. I figured it was worth a shot to see if this video was right. I began reading for several hours in the first half of the day. I cut out morning tv, only watching 1-2 hours late in the day, versus the normal 3. I didn't turn my computer on for most of the day, as opposed to spending 70% of my waking hours in front of it. It worked well, but I feel like this past week I've gotten away from it and maybe losing some of those initial benefits.
On Monday I started with the morning walks and those get time consuming, but are also tiring. I'm not in the mood to get any reading done at that point. I don't like the idea of reading and then going for a walk though because I want to be out early before the Summer heat causes dehydration issues for me like last year, and hopefully less sun-burn risk. Second, I got into this intermittent fasting thing last Summer that worked well, and that feels best and works best if I get exercise in before I eat.
Talking to Onca has been a double-edged sword in this regard. By the time I've done my walk and gotten breakfast, it's nearly noon. We only really get to talk while she's at work, so if I'm going to talk to her, I'd need to start my computer then and spend the afternoon on the pc. This is causing more computer time then intended. At the same time, having someone to talk to on the regular feels good after years of isolation. Moreover, it's the high of building a new friendship, which has been god knows how many years now since I've really done that. I mean, Mariah might be the last.
So now I've got this scheduling issue going on where I want to do too many things. Morning walks/intermittent fasting ok. Breakfast is basically lunch time ok. Computer in the afternoon and talking with Onca. I made the effort and started holding myself to getting game design work done, so I'm doubling that up with work on Rylera. I'm trying to return to the original idea of 10 pages of writing a week, and right now it looks like that's gonna be harder then it used to be. Dinner is around 5 or 6, so shortly after finishing afternoon activities. Then I've got like 2-3 hours of leisure time before bed. But by now the roommates are coming home and making noise so I can't do anything that requires focus. At which point I've got no room budgeted for reading anymore. I'm thinking that might work itself out if I get in to the gym as then I can omit the morning walks and make those reading days, or maybe try the running off-days like last year and see if I can make reading work after that...likely not though. The reading off-days should be good. It'll still be more screentime then I'd like, but honestly that sounds unavoidable if I want to do work on Rylera as that requires long time at the keyboard trying to write. I've got a to-do list for the Summer to catch-up on anime I've been recommended and maybe clear out of Netflix playlist. But that sorta runs back into the dopamine issue again.
And the last obstacle is figuring out what to do with those evening leisure hours. I've been doing some replays of Mass Effect to find dialogue and scenes hidden behind certain choice paths, but I'm actually about done with that and I don't have other games to casually play for a limited time. I've got a small list of games to try, but those aren't really a relaxation exercise. I'm finding I'm ok with just watching some Youtube videos I've queued up. During WoW play I was chewing through 2 hours abouts of videos daily that would play as background audio during farm content. Without Wow, I've needed to pare down the channels i follow and greatly cut back on what i watch. The goal before was to fill time, now it's being selective of what gets my time. So, even watching 30-45 minutes a day becomes like some tv time and that feels ok since I've cutback on tv though not with the intent to compensate. Still, returns to the issue of too much screen time.
That's the vast majority of my habit building going on currently, trying to iron out the kinks of this new system.
I'm back to using an alarm clock to get up again and setting an alarm to notify me of bedtime. It's a bit easier to keep to a sleep schedule now without WoW actually. Because of raiding, I'd be active and alert until 11:30/midnight twice a week when I'd want a midnight bedtime. Being active and alert so close to bedtime inevitably led to issues with not being able to go to sleep in a timely fashion which would compound and slowly make me lose my sleep schedule. Without that, it should be easier to keep to a schedule. Secondly, I'm setting my new optimal wake up time to 7 am, from 8:30 and the bedtime has been moved up as well. I figure even if my sleep does slip, I've got more leeway to let it slide without needing to cycle to reset it. 7 am is the earliest start to the day realistically and feels fine, so 8:30 is now a comfortable backup. It is my hope that I can keep this long enough to train my body to a schedule for the first time in over a decade.
Lastly, diet is basically a repeat of last year's plan. I restarted the spreadsheet tracker which I had stopped late last Summer because I stopped trying to manage my weight. Have been uncomfortable as of late with my weight have gotten as bad as it has. It's all the little ways you can feel it, when stupid things get harder and you realize how bad it's gotten. I liked the intermittent fasting from the past, so we're gonna do that again as well.
As my routines get more settled, I will make a point of journal writing being part of it as well. I'd like for once a week, though more possibly in the short term as I've got a large backlog of notes I'd like to type out again. This time though, many of those notes aren't personal self-reflections but rather views and insights I want to get out of my head to share.
The first is really just self-destructive. I've been low for a long time and in ways I've not openly shared with anyone. When you're planning to kill yourself, you don't tell people. Telling people is just gonna interferre. And if I'm at a point where I'm resolving myself to that course of action, I've already reached out to people a number of times and gotten nowhere. Most people complain about the lack of chances, never seeing all the ones they completely missed. But as you settle in making peace with that outcome, there's no motivation for self-improvement. And that's what the purpose of self-reflection here is ultimately.
The second is of a sort of privacy. Obviously, that's tied in to the first reason. But the second is resentment at people who feel they would respond if I reached out, only to find themselves being shit-talked while they read my journal. Which has its own issue of just being passive-aggressive. So, as far as I'm concerned, I've said as much as I will about on the topic of who I am upset with and why. The rest of the details just aren't necessary.
I spent most of last Summer really coming to terms with the decision to suicide. As for why I'm still alive, I have a debt I want to repay before I go. Someone went out on a limb for me and I can't leave her out there alone. Because I know too well how it feels to be left out there and I can't bear to inflict that on someone else who went so far for so long. And I figure I can finish paying that debt early next year, so at current, I've got about 1 year to go.
In theory, that's been the loose plan for a few years actually. The question is what I would do when I got there. If I'd gotten my shit together and wanted to live, great. If not, well I was now free to indulge myself. So, last Summer was coming to terms with the fact that things had not gotten better even a little.
Isn't the burst of energy right now at odds with all of this? Yes and no. Firstly, at the very least I could try to muster enough to get some reprieve for a few months. And it could double as one last flourish before the end. Second, I resolved myself to make one last go of things, what did I have to lose anymore? It's not uncommon for suicidal people to feel happy near the end because to them, the suicide is something to look forward to, an end to the suffering. But, it's kind of hard to fear consequences when you're eyeing the exit. There's a sense of release to just saying whatever and not being afraid of the consequences anymore. And on the plus side, when you're facing the end, it's easier to feel generous because you're letting go of the things that used to occupy you. And that feels good.
Some of it came down to a tarot reading month or so ago, asking for a sign if there was still a chance to turn things around, rebirth if you will. The cards were favorable and so far they've been pretty accurate.
I made the decision to give up World of Warcraft after like 10 years of playing. I found around the end of last year I wasn't enjoying the game as much. I was not looking forward to raid. I had a harder time focusing on farm content. I didn't feel like I was making any friendships in my current guild, but I haven't felt that way since me and Mariah ran VV several years ago. The newest patch kept me involved for a few months but I found myself pretty quickly returning to the malaise. The big problem was that I'd been playing WoW for so long I feel like part of me forgot how to human (though in talking with Onca it seems I'm pretty quick to remember how). Moreover, I got into the game to kill a lot of time and it did its job well. I've long had that problem, getting bored and not knowing what to do with myself. So that probably come back to the forefront and I'd be jumping into it with no plan.
I quickly tied up loose ends in game though, giving away the wealth I'd just finished earning, pretty much making gold cap as my final achievement before exiting the game. I did everything I could to pass along wealth to the guild and wished them luck in finally getting their Cutting Edge achievement, beating the hardest difficulty of a raid before the next one releases. It looks like they'll actually do it this tier, a first for the guild. With a bad expansion winding down, players were likely to not be motivated to farm the necessary materials for raiding, so I purchased enough to last the rest of the expansion. I still had a lot leftover so I gave away chunks of gold to people who'd been friendly to me in my time there. Most didn't want to accept it and only did so on a provisional basis that they'd return it when I came back. They weren't big on accepting I was not going to let myself go back. If I give myself an out, I might take it. That being said, I've been out of game for 2 weeks now and haven't missed it at all.
I think I got really burnt out. But moreover, playing at the Mythic level really showed me the last part of the game I hadn't gotten to see. Games are all about patterns and once you've really learned the pattern, it gets boring. Each level of difficulty in the game has its own pattern. Mythic was the last one I got to see and it turned out not to be that interesting for me personally. Mythic places such an emphasis on exact execution and timing that there is very little room for reflex and spontaneity. The game becomes how well can you follow the script, and you'll rehearse that script 150 times until you get it perfect. When I mentioend this to my guild, they said that was part of the fun for them; so different strokes for different folks.
I was a bit flattered when my GM tried to make time to talk me out of leaving game. He knew I was too valuable a player to let go so easily. I'm not the best player but I'm good, consistent with attendance and reliable in performance. I'm easy to get along with which is important on a team, and I bring a ton of wealth to almost single-handedly pay for the entire team's supplies.
I was watching a video discussing the idea of dopamine addiction, or rather how so many of our daily habits are flooding our brains with dopamine and it has an adverse effect on us. Well, the vast majority of my habits fell into that category and i matched the symptoms laid out. I figured it was worth a shot to see if this video was right. I began reading for several hours in the first half of the day. I cut out morning tv, only watching 1-2 hours late in the day, versus the normal 3. I didn't turn my computer on for most of the day, as opposed to spending 70% of my waking hours in front of it. It worked well, but I feel like this past week I've gotten away from it and maybe losing some of those initial benefits.
On Monday I started with the morning walks and those get time consuming, but are also tiring. I'm not in the mood to get any reading done at that point. I don't like the idea of reading and then going for a walk though because I want to be out early before the Summer heat causes dehydration issues for me like last year, and hopefully less sun-burn risk. Second, I got into this intermittent fasting thing last Summer that worked well, and that feels best and works best if I get exercise in before I eat.
Talking to Onca has been a double-edged sword in this regard. By the time I've done my walk and gotten breakfast, it's nearly noon. We only really get to talk while she's at work, so if I'm going to talk to her, I'd need to start my computer then and spend the afternoon on the pc. This is causing more computer time then intended. At the same time, having someone to talk to on the regular feels good after years of isolation. Moreover, it's the high of building a new friendship, which has been god knows how many years now since I've really done that. I mean, Mariah might be the last.
So now I've got this scheduling issue going on where I want to do too many things. Morning walks/intermittent fasting ok. Breakfast is basically lunch time ok. Computer in the afternoon and talking with Onca. I made the effort and started holding myself to getting game design work done, so I'm doubling that up with work on Rylera. I'm trying to return to the original idea of 10 pages of writing a week, and right now it looks like that's gonna be harder then it used to be. Dinner is around 5 or 6, so shortly after finishing afternoon activities. Then I've got like 2-3 hours of leisure time before bed. But by now the roommates are coming home and making noise so I can't do anything that requires focus. At which point I've got no room budgeted for reading anymore. I'm thinking that might work itself out if I get in to the gym as then I can omit the morning walks and make those reading days, or maybe try the running off-days like last year and see if I can make reading work after that...likely not though. The reading off-days should be good. It'll still be more screentime then I'd like, but honestly that sounds unavoidable if I want to do work on Rylera as that requires long time at the keyboard trying to write. I've got a to-do list for the Summer to catch-up on anime I've been recommended and maybe clear out of Netflix playlist. But that sorta runs back into the dopamine issue again.
And the last obstacle is figuring out what to do with those evening leisure hours. I've been doing some replays of Mass Effect to find dialogue and scenes hidden behind certain choice paths, but I'm actually about done with that and I don't have other games to casually play for a limited time. I've got a small list of games to try, but those aren't really a relaxation exercise. I'm finding I'm ok with just watching some Youtube videos I've queued up. During WoW play I was chewing through 2 hours abouts of videos daily that would play as background audio during farm content. Without Wow, I've needed to pare down the channels i follow and greatly cut back on what i watch. The goal before was to fill time, now it's being selective of what gets my time. So, even watching 30-45 minutes a day becomes like some tv time and that feels ok since I've cutback on tv though not with the intent to compensate. Still, returns to the issue of too much screen time.
That's the vast majority of my habit building going on currently, trying to iron out the kinks of this new system.
I'm back to using an alarm clock to get up again and setting an alarm to notify me of bedtime. It's a bit easier to keep to a sleep schedule now without WoW actually. Because of raiding, I'd be active and alert until 11:30/midnight twice a week when I'd want a midnight bedtime. Being active and alert so close to bedtime inevitably led to issues with not being able to go to sleep in a timely fashion which would compound and slowly make me lose my sleep schedule. Without that, it should be easier to keep to a schedule. Secondly, I'm setting my new optimal wake up time to 7 am, from 8:30 and the bedtime has been moved up as well. I figure even if my sleep does slip, I've got more leeway to let it slide without needing to cycle to reset it. 7 am is the earliest start to the day realistically and feels fine, so 8:30 is now a comfortable backup. It is my hope that I can keep this long enough to train my body to a schedule for the first time in over a decade.
Lastly, diet is basically a repeat of last year's plan. I restarted the spreadsheet tracker which I had stopped late last Summer because I stopped trying to manage my weight. Have been uncomfortable as of late with my weight have gotten as bad as it has. It's all the little ways you can feel it, when stupid things get harder and you realize how bad it's gotten. I liked the intermittent fasting from the past, so we're gonna do that again as well.
As my routines get more settled, I will make a point of journal writing being part of it as well. I'd like for once a week, though more possibly in the short term as I've got a large backlog of notes I'd like to type out again. This time though, many of those notes aren't personal self-reflections but rather views and insights I want to get out of my head to share.