Confidence and Self-Worth
The need to write hasn't really subsided, but actually making the time and sitting down to focus and write are proving to be difficult. Doing anything right now feels difficult actually. This is pretty peak depression for me. Part of what's frustrating about that is it's wonderful weather to go out for a walk and I'm in a good place to start going to the gym again. I can feel the warmer months ticking by and the weeks spent walking building up some baseline conditioning falling by the wayside. I know I'll be mad at myself in a few months for letting this opportunity slip away. And yet I spent an hour this morning trying to even get out of bed.
I've got so many things to write about that it's east to lose track of it all. I'm going to try and picking up threads from last time rather then jump around. I feel like if I jump around, all these words will mean nothing, just lost in some jumbled mess, or worse.
I am fairly sure it's the byproduct of my abusive upbringing that I have no self-worth. In fact, I largely duck the issue entirely and just never think about it. It's easy to when historically, it didn't seem to be something I struggled with. It's become more of an issue since leaving home. I think I gauge my worth by whether or not people want to spent time with me. Lately, the words been forming in my head are, "I want to be sought after." And it's framed that way to reflect that I want my skills to be recognized and someone to ask me to work with them on a project they want help with. I remember struggling with that in the larp community as people ran new games and picked their staff, I was never someone on the list to be asked. It was the same group of people really. And sometimes I wonder if it was because people doubted my skills, or no one wanted to work with me personally. The issue sort of followed into Hitmouse as well as Warren and Josh found me too difficult to work with personally. Paul leaving felt personal, but I know I'm not the reason he left or dodged work. I feel it in Warcraft now, I struggled to feel valued in my last guild and this new one feels worse about it. It didn't help I joined a more competitive guild where I'm not a top player. It felt good when Erin asked for my help on the video game she's trying to build and I do my best to help. Doing my research so I can understand what she wants. It perked me up for awhile. It was even a reason to stay alive when those are lacking.
I've often just taken for granted I had no intrinsic worth, that I was only as good as my skills. I accepted a long time ago my personality was always going to be a negative, but something that could be forgiven. That was always more of a problem then I paid attention though. And as my skills have come up short - not being up to the task or simply not being valued highly, it exposes more and more how worthless I really feel. Without any solid ground to stand on, at this point I'm only as good as the last complement or disregard. I blow with the wind; it is chaotic and unreliable. If I could just have a few months to build something up, I could reach a tipping point of having some resilience. But rolling the dice every day, there's not enough luck to gain a foothold.
I think it would be accurate to reframe what was said above and say that I used confidence to substitute self-worth, or cover for it. I think confidence was not something I ever lacked. My parents primary means of communication was about expectations. Seeing as how that so wholly focused on academia, that was an easy bar to clear. I internalized it so much that I think that's why I went for a double major in college - I didn't feel challenged enough by scoring A's/B's on a single major. Some people pride themselves on those straight A's, but I've always thought the effort required for that was overrated. I'd much rather cast a wider net then be so focused. I could even give the argument from the Paretto principle. If it takes me only 20% of my effort to get a B, why is upgrading to an A worth an additional 80%? I suppose if you take pride in the work itself or are really enjoying yourself, then the A is worth it - that'd be what I've learned in the past 10 years.
Anyway, good grades and obedience earned indifference and even mild praise in my family - which was the closest things ever came to love. Since being shown love is tied to self-worth, that's how the loop got started. I didn't understand that at the time though and so I became confused in college as I strived for that second major and even graduated in under 4 years and was met with growing amounts of indifference. My uncle even questioned my decision to go for a double major - he didn't like the idea of me not being challenged. My parents balked at the idea of going to grad school when multiple teachers revealed to me I was good enough (something I'd never even considered prior) - in their defense they said it was about whether or not the degree had practicality, but that was changing the rules on me without explanation. When I graduated and wanted to celebrate, I took a vacation with friends...and my parents seemed confused by this idea, almost indicating it was a waste of my time - the same people who complained I didn't travel enough like they did.
Getting into the work force, it took me a few years to understand that personality, agreeability, being able to fit into the culture matter more then skill in an office. I was only taught to excel, and even then the bar was not that high. So I floundered in office environments. I still think back on a job interview where I got turned down, despite being considered over-qualified, because I didn't share the owner's sense of humor. In my defense, it wasn't a laugh out loud joke. And there's working in retail where the bar is set so low for both skill and personality, at least at the entry level. I never understood or fully identified the qualities needed to be promoted. But those jobs are so boring to me that I can't stay with them for long. Growing up, I was never taught anything beyond those 2 options and I still struggle to conceive of anything else outside that dichotomy that I know doesn't work for me. And seeing as how I was sort of raised to get some non-descript office job and be like my parents, I've been struggling with feeling like my whole life has been a failure...seeing as that was the one thing I was taught to do since birth.
I wrote about how Hitmouse was the intended answer to the question. I can also say it was not only the wrong answer, it was an absolutely disastrous answer. The sheer quantity of skills needed to make that work and multitude of them I lack only served to undermine my confidence even more. I read once that the difference between madness and genius is the discrepency between ones means and goals. Looking back, I did not have anywhere near the means to reach my goal and I should've accepted that many years earlier. The hope was always that the group had the skills when combined and I always think back if that was ever true. And if it was, could I have...should I have found a way to make those relationships work? Maybe I wouldn't be in the same mess I am today if I could've.
A bit more clarification on the idea that I'm only as good as my skills. It extends to also being only as good as my accomplishments and deeds. I was proud of myself for being strong enough to leave home and seek change. I was proud of myself for holding up emotionally as i moved like 8 years in 3 years trying to make a home. I was proud of myself for going back to college and tackling it eagerly and learning, not just having good grades. I was proud of myself for being one of the only people in the larp community who had crossed into adulthood, paying bills and having my own home. I was even proud of myself for the Warcraft guild I ran with Mariah. The last of those is over 5 years ago, and the other over a decade. They're very small accomplishments now, impressive for what they were at the same, but with the shifting goal posts of age, I stopped being impressive a long time ago. I have no accomplishments worth being proud of, I stopped accomplishing, and the last decade has been a series of failures and aborted attempts.
As for deeds, I mean good deeds. Those times you can feel bigger then you are because you helped someone else. I was proud of the way I took control of my social circle in college and clamped down on the drama and ended the pattern of bullying. I was proud of my apartment after college, Shoshana, Daniel and Emerson lived their half the time because of their struggles at home. I was proud of the way I took care of them and tried to help them with their problems. I was proud to take in Jinx and Dan a few years later and also Daniel's sister. It felt good to look after people and help them get a foothold and back on track. I'm proud of the way I've mentored Daniel and Josh. I'm proud I helped Mariah shed some of her insecurities and discover her strength and feel confident enough to be passionate. These things more then perhaps anything else are the best answer I've ever had to finding any self-worth and justifying ever having been alive. It's not what I've done, but that I helped people back on their feet so they could do. By contrast, there are people with whom I have failed to connect with so utterly and spectacularly that any attempts to help or empathize have blown up in my face - those are an opposite reaction to the above and are not equal, they're weighted more heavily and sort of erase the personal effects of any successes. I speak of people like Kat and Samara. But as above, all of these are in the past and becoming increasingly more distant and irrelevant to the present.
I've got so many things to write about that it's east to lose track of it all. I'm going to try and picking up threads from last time rather then jump around. I feel like if I jump around, all these words will mean nothing, just lost in some jumbled mess, or worse.
I am fairly sure it's the byproduct of my abusive upbringing that I have no self-worth. In fact, I largely duck the issue entirely and just never think about it. It's easy to when historically, it didn't seem to be something I struggled with. It's become more of an issue since leaving home. I think I gauge my worth by whether or not people want to spent time with me. Lately, the words been forming in my head are, "I want to be sought after." And it's framed that way to reflect that I want my skills to be recognized and someone to ask me to work with them on a project they want help with. I remember struggling with that in the larp community as people ran new games and picked their staff, I was never someone on the list to be asked. It was the same group of people really. And sometimes I wonder if it was because people doubted my skills, or no one wanted to work with me personally. The issue sort of followed into Hitmouse as well as Warren and Josh found me too difficult to work with personally. Paul leaving felt personal, but I know I'm not the reason he left or dodged work. I feel it in Warcraft now, I struggled to feel valued in my last guild and this new one feels worse about it. It didn't help I joined a more competitive guild where I'm not a top player. It felt good when Erin asked for my help on the video game she's trying to build and I do my best to help. Doing my research so I can understand what she wants. It perked me up for awhile. It was even a reason to stay alive when those are lacking.
I've often just taken for granted I had no intrinsic worth, that I was only as good as my skills. I accepted a long time ago my personality was always going to be a negative, but something that could be forgiven. That was always more of a problem then I paid attention though. And as my skills have come up short - not being up to the task or simply not being valued highly, it exposes more and more how worthless I really feel. Without any solid ground to stand on, at this point I'm only as good as the last complement or disregard. I blow with the wind; it is chaotic and unreliable. If I could just have a few months to build something up, I could reach a tipping point of having some resilience. But rolling the dice every day, there's not enough luck to gain a foothold.
I think it would be accurate to reframe what was said above and say that I used confidence to substitute self-worth, or cover for it. I think confidence was not something I ever lacked. My parents primary means of communication was about expectations. Seeing as how that so wholly focused on academia, that was an easy bar to clear. I internalized it so much that I think that's why I went for a double major in college - I didn't feel challenged enough by scoring A's/B's on a single major. Some people pride themselves on those straight A's, but I've always thought the effort required for that was overrated. I'd much rather cast a wider net then be so focused. I could even give the argument from the Paretto principle. If it takes me only 20% of my effort to get a B, why is upgrading to an A worth an additional 80%? I suppose if you take pride in the work itself or are really enjoying yourself, then the A is worth it - that'd be what I've learned in the past 10 years.
Anyway, good grades and obedience earned indifference and even mild praise in my family - which was the closest things ever came to love. Since being shown love is tied to self-worth, that's how the loop got started. I didn't understand that at the time though and so I became confused in college as I strived for that second major and even graduated in under 4 years and was met with growing amounts of indifference. My uncle even questioned my decision to go for a double major - he didn't like the idea of me not being challenged. My parents balked at the idea of going to grad school when multiple teachers revealed to me I was good enough (something I'd never even considered prior) - in their defense they said it was about whether or not the degree had practicality, but that was changing the rules on me without explanation. When I graduated and wanted to celebrate, I took a vacation with friends...and my parents seemed confused by this idea, almost indicating it was a waste of my time - the same people who complained I didn't travel enough like they did.
Getting into the work force, it took me a few years to understand that personality, agreeability, being able to fit into the culture matter more then skill in an office. I was only taught to excel, and even then the bar was not that high. So I floundered in office environments. I still think back on a job interview where I got turned down, despite being considered over-qualified, because I didn't share the owner's sense of humor. In my defense, it wasn't a laugh out loud joke. And there's working in retail where the bar is set so low for both skill and personality, at least at the entry level. I never understood or fully identified the qualities needed to be promoted. But those jobs are so boring to me that I can't stay with them for long. Growing up, I was never taught anything beyond those 2 options and I still struggle to conceive of anything else outside that dichotomy that I know doesn't work for me. And seeing as how I was sort of raised to get some non-descript office job and be like my parents, I've been struggling with feeling like my whole life has been a failure...seeing as that was the one thing I was taught to do since birth.
I wrote about how Hitmouse was the intended answer to the question. I can also say it was not only the wrong answer, it was an absolutely disastrous answer. The sheer quantity of skills needed to make that work and multitude of them I lack only served to undermine my confidence even more. I read once that the difference between madness and genius is the discrepency between ones means and goals. Looking back, I did not have anywhere near the means to reach my goal and I should've accepted that many years earlier. The hope was always that the group had the skills when combined and I always think back if that was ever true. And if it was, could I have...should I have found a way to make those relationships work? Maybe I wouldn't be in the same mess I am today if I could've.
A bit more clarification on the idea that I'm only as good as my skills. It extends to also being only as good as my accomplishments and deeds. I was proud of myself for being strong enough to leave home and seek change. I was proud of myself for holding up emotionally as i moved like 8 years in 3 years trying to make a home. I was proud of myself for going back to college and tackling it eagerly and learning, not just having good grades. I was proud of myself for being one of the only people in the larp community who had crossed into adulthood, paying bills and having my own home. I was even proud of myself for the Warcraft guild I ran with Mariah. The last of those is over 5 years ago, and the other over a decade. They're very small accomplishments now, impressive for what they were at the same, but with the shifting goal posts of age, I stopped being impressive a long time ago. I have no accomplishments worth being proud of, I stopped accomplishing, and the last decade has been a series of failures and aborted attempts.
As for deeds, I mean good deeds. Those times you can feel bigger then you are because you helped someone else. I was proud of the way I took control of my social circle in college and clamped down on the drama and ended the pattern of bullying. I was proud of my apartment after college, Shoshana, Daniel and Emerson lived their half the time because of their struggles at home. I was proud of the way I took care of them and tried to help them with their problems. I was proud to take in Jinx and Dan a few years later and also Daniel's sister. It felt good to look after people and help them get a foothold and back on track. I'm proud of the way I've mentored Daniel and Josh. I'm proud I helped Mariah shed some of her insecurities and discover her strength and feel confident enough to be passionate. These things more then perhaps anything else are the best answer I've ever had to finding any self-worth and justifying ever having been alive. It's not what I've done, but that I helped people back on their feet so they could do. By contrast, there are people with whom I have failed to connect with so utterly and spectacularly that any attempts to help or empathize have blown up in my face - those are an opposite reaction to the above and are not equal, they're weighted more heavily and sort of erase the personal effects of any successes. I speak of people like Kat and Samara. But as above, all of these are in the past and becoming increasingly more distant and irrelevant to the present.