In Brief
I'm way overdue in writing and this isn't really much of an entry, just putting a words down to get them out of my head. My long morning walks feel like they're the only thing keeping me going at the moment. The daylight bolsters my moods, but the effects are quite short lived, measured in hours. I took the last 2 days to rest, no walks. I could feel a pain building in my left heel, and I knew something like that was coming soon, it usually happens about 3 weeks into the walks. So I wanted to rest a bit before resuming. I'm getting to the point where 3 hour walks don't feel exhausting and my weight has gone down to about my first goalpost, so that means it's time to move to the next stage, returning to the gym, slated for tomorrow. Assuming I can keep my shit together.
But these 2 days off, my moods feel uncontrolled and I'm in a really bad place still. The sleep problems persist. It's getting harder to resist the cravings for binge comfort eating. The healthy soup in my fridge, dinner in a few minutes once I'm done writing this, feels so unappetizing right now. I really want to maintain this healthy regimen, but it feels at odds with everything my body and mind are telling me. I could exercise some willpower, but then I remind myself, what's the point? I'm not feeling particularly hopeful right now, so it all feels like delaying the inevitable.
I wanna give some metric to say how bad things are, but I don't have strong language to really explain it to someone else. Like, on a scale of 1-10 of how severe my depression runs, this is probably a 7, maybe an 8 - so pretty bad. It's not often the depression has a physical feeling to it, where my head feels like it's buzzing and there's a dull ache to it. When it gets like that, that's a level I start to worry. That's when there's fears I won't survive it this time. I often wonder how many times can I simply handle the pain and come back from it. Is there a point where I'll simply give in, too tired from the pain? And at this point, when the pain becomes uncontrollable, how do I know it won't go so far as to shift the entire scale and recontextualize it to something too severe? I worry because the pain stops being something I can control, and becomes something I try to endure. Feeling not in control is scary to me.
*Edit*
I added some extra fat in the form of cheese to the soup, wanted to nod in the direction of the comfort food vibe. Splurged and had a graham cracker for dessert - that sounds absurd to even say, but it's the only dessert I keep around the house when I'm eating healthy b/c it's an easy food to manage. If I kept cookies, I'd go through a bag every few days, likewise for ice cream. Graham crackers are just sweet enough to scratch the cookie itch but not so flavorful that I feel compelled to eat more. I go with 1 and let each bite melt on my tongue, so they actually have a taste instead of being something I mindlessly chew through in seconds. Anyway, I feel a lot better after that. So maybe my diet is part of what's giving me problems. Right now I've been going with 2 small to medium-sized meals and snacks to round out my daily calories and fill any nutrition gaps. It's possible that my body wants the formal meal to feel more satisfied and the mood swings are more of a sugar low. I have been keeping pretty light on the carbs recently. I'll test that more as it comes time to cook new meals.
But these 2 days off, my moods feel uncontrolled and I'm in a really bad place still. The sleep problems persist. It's getting harder to resist the cravings for binge comfort eating. The healthy soup in my fridge, dinner in a few minutes once I'm done writing this, feels so unappetizing right now. I really want to maintain this healthy regimen, but it feels at odds with everything my body and mind are telling me. I could exercise some willpower, but then I remind myself, what's the point? I'm not feeling particularly hopeful right now, so it all feels like delaying the inevitable.
I wanna give some metric to say how bad things are, but I don't have strong language to really explain it to someone else. Like, on a scale of 1-10 of how severe my depression runs, this is probably a 7, maybe an 8 - so pretty bad. It's not often the depression has a physical feeling to it, where my head feels like it's buzzing and there's a dull ache to it. When it gets like that, that's a level I start to worry. That's when there's fears I won't survive it this time. I often wonder how many times can I simply handle the pain and come back from it. Is there a point where I'll simply give in, too tired from the pain? And at this point, when the pain becomes uncontrollable, how do I know it won't go so far as to shift the entire scale and recontextualize it to something too severe? I worry because the pain stops being something I can control, and becomes something I try to endure. Feeling not in control is scary to me.
*Edit*
I added some extra fat in the form of cheese to the soup, wanted to nod in the direction of the comfort food vibe. Splurged and had a graham cracker for dessert - that sounds absurd to even say, but it's the only dessert I keep around the house when I'm eating healthy b/c it's an easy food to manage. If I kept cookies, I'd go through a bag every few days, likewise for ice cream. Graham crackers are just sweet enough to scratch the cookie itch but not so flavorful that I feel compelled to eat more. I go with 1 and let each bite melt on my tongue, so they actually have a taste instead of being something I mindlessly chew through in seconds. Anyway, I feel a lot better after that. So maybe my diet is part of what's giving me problems. Right now I've been going with 2 small to medium-sized meals and snacks to round out my daily calories and fill any nutrition gaps. It's possible that my body wants the formal meal to feel more satisfied and the mood swings are more of a sugar low. I have been keeping pretty light on the carbs recently. I'll test that more as it comes time to cook new meals.