Self-Worth
This week's entry is late. Each day delayed is a different excuse, but I'm rationalizing this as a calendar week sort of deadline right now to say I'm keeping to weekly writing. I have a backlog of things to write about, but that's not what's on my mind right now, so we'll see how this goes.
The last entry prompted an unexpected response. I remember the shock I was in reading it and trying to figure out who wrote it. I wasn't able to read it straight through as I kept jumping to different points trying to make sense of it and failing. There was some powerful language in it that was touching, but I think it felt more like panic...trying to think who could actually mean such kind words. For some reason my brain was really locked on to the idea it was one of the three people I was writing about, but process of elimination made me think Daniel. But the tone struck was not his mo and was in stark contrast to the letter he had written earlier in the week. I tried to think who else it could be based on the 4 people currently notified on FB who see when I post an entry and who they might've told. Took a little over 2 hours before I realized it was Mariah. Stalker that she is would still check my journal directly sporadically for updates and the soft words and high praise for me made much more sense. (I say stalker with love when it comes to Mariah) In hindsight it was all obvious, but then I was calmer when looking over the response again.
What's left me more to think about is my initial emotional response to seeing the post, and panic feels like as good a word as any. The stark contrast between the negativity written about and her praise was alarming. But I also thought maybe it was someone I thought had written me off was offering me a chance to be seen as a good person and that's some scary shit.
I told my therapist a little while ago I had run out of people from my past to try and reconnect with. I'm at a point where I can acknowledge that trying to connect with people from the past is a bad idea, but not so far convince I stop myself from doing it. Things always end for a reason, but it always my hope those reasons can be worked past in time as people change and mature. If I were to plot the veracity of that statement on a graph, the initial trend would show people for whom that holds no truth whatsoever, and then about half the results would show progress that on a long enough timeline falls back down to not working at all. And a few outliers for whom things remained positive but the relationship just faded away but the door remains open - that could be construed as a failure, but it's really not at all.
I decided to talk to Mariah. Her responses indicated she had some desire for closure from our time together and her writing said she was blaming herself for a lot of things. I know too well what that feels like. And maybe she never fully accepted that she's always going be special to me because of our relationship - how it ended it less important then the good times and the comfort shared during difficult times we both went through. I know I mean a lot to her too, and I respect the significance I have to her. I wanted to see what I could do to offer peace of mind to her and try to re-open a closed door.
We've been trading a few emails over the last few days, fairly long letters, catching up etc. They're long and draining enough that's why I haven't written the past few days, the focus required to write has been going there. And that's a good cause because the purpose of my writing is as much to reflect as it is to be emotionally available for a little while. Too much of my time is spent trying to be distracted and locked down to avoid dealing with pain, therapy alone isn't enough of a window to make headway. The hour or two spent writing is needed to push back the pain kept at bay.
She didn't have an email response waiting for me when I woke up this morning. I'm already concerned my last letter offended or angered her...don't think I've ever done that before...or maybe it just left her with things to think about that she'd rather not. It worries me a bit, but I'm avoiding stressing about it because I remember I didn't have a strong desired outcome to dread ruining. It's been awhile since I could say that.
I've found myself more locked down lately...and I'm not entirely sure when that happened, it was rather seemless actually. I suspect it came on the heels of the anger written about last. The hindsight result of which seems to be that I gathered enough anger to push back against all the blame i lay at my feet for the past, enough to feel some resurgence of self-worth and not feel so lonely. As a result, I've been feeling pretty ok...but if I stop and think about why, there's no reason, no facts on the ground have changed, just my perception of that.
That's a pretty good result actually. However, the emotional lockdown that came after concerns me more because it's a stasis with slow decay...it's like a block of ice being placed in the refrigerator - it's going to melt, but less slowly then if you left it at room temperature.
Now I think I can try and tackle some backlog.
I've been remembering some things lately, old memories pop up for the first time in a year or more. Each time it feels like discovering something new and I want to talk or write about it, and then I remember I already have. I feel a bit bad about it, but then I tell myself the reason I want to write or talk about it is because these things still hold power. They were highly emotionally charged moments that I've never fully made my peace with. I remember the swing accident at the start of 5th grade. The dreadful times doing spelling homework as a child, my mother yelling at me to do better and the meltdowns where I began punching myself in the head is frustration. What stands out most in those memories is how I couldn't see straight because I was crying so hard, the feeling of being in so much pain with no way out.
I remember sitting in freshman year high school Italian class and the teacher calling on me to give an answer about conjugating the verb, cercare. Not knowing the answer I was guessing, and 4 guesses in he was still waiting for me to give the right answer. One of my classmates whispered an answer and I went with it...I don't remember the proper spelling but it was something like cherce, which is pronounced more like churkey...but to an adolscent boy sounds like jerky. Said classmate wasn't trying to help, it was a setup to embarass me and they all laughed. But what bothers me most now is the teacher who couldn't show mercy to simply move on when it's clear I didn't have any idea of what the answer was. I fail to see the logic of letting a child sit and play guessing games. And I remember feeling smaller and smaller with each wrong answer given, my voice getting weaker. My voice still goes up and down with my confidence, that feels so juvenille and I resent myself for that. I take comfort in that no one seems to notice, or care.
In a phone call with Josh last week, the topic came up of self-worth. I spent some time trying to get Daniel and Josh to talk to each other more directly. They were friends before I knew them, but long since avoided each other and there some competitiveness/lack of respect behind the scenes. Josh was open to talking through it, but Daniel just entrenched. On a few occasions he had the audacity to ask Josh - "What do you have to offer me as a friend?" If ever there was a more selfish question asked, full of disrespect and lacking in tact.
And in the last few weeks I've found I can now ask Daniel the same question. After the disrespect he's shown our friendship, the unrestrained selfishness he's acted with...what does he have to offer me as a friend? Him living with me was a boon, a cornerstone to the belief that people might actually want to spend time with me because I'm a good person. That was all I really needed from him. I cooked his meals, cleaned up after him, managed his money, tried to help him get a handle on his weight...everything I could think of. It's not enough you know...or more to say money is the most important thing to Daniel, really always has been.
In his mind he knew I'd be mad, but he figured I'd get over it. And when he comes to ask why we can't be friends anymore, I can ask him - What do you have to offer me as a friend? You sure want lots of stuff from me, but what do you have to give in return? You've had the audacity to treat a friend with such a mercenary attitude, turn it on yourself, why should anyone put up with you? Because if you're already asking the question, you missed the point of friendship entirely. And even when I tried to tell him this, he still persisted in asking such an obnoxious question. And all the while I counseled Josh on how to get through to Daniel, to go past meeting him halfway, worst advice.
At the same time, there is a value some people are raised with, make sure you're of use to people, know what you have to offer them. And I think there's wisdom in teaching this to children from a young age. Mostly it should matter in the job market, but it's also about how to create opportunities. and really, I think many friendships are based on mutual gain...the question is, whether or not you notice the price you pay. If someone enjoys your company, you're giving something, it's just not something you have to apply any effort into or think about, but you're still giving. In theory, it's sufficient for a friendship to be based entirely on that going both ways...but in my experience, that is only true a fraction of the time. There's too many other factors like respect for values and character, emotional support, generosity and financial perks. Not all friendships are going to conform to an ideal, there's a range of different types and in theory a person is probably better off having all different types, so long as they know which ones are which.
All of that's murky beliefs and honestly I'm not entirely reconciled to how much of that I believe vs how much of that I actually practice - and it's all too intellectual a thing to have much meaning here.
What does though is that Josh turned this question on me...or maybe I started it when I posed the idea to him and then tried to give an example by how I'd answer the question, and then Josh pointed out the flaws in my answer. I used to be well known for my generosity. When i used to work, I always had extra money because my wants are few and I'm good at not spending most of it, so I wouldn't mind treating a friend to dinner or a movie if money was tight. they didn't need to ask, I'd just do it. I used to throw parties, sometimes expensive affairs and I'd go all overboard with these homecooked meals and such. Whenever I joined a new gaming group I'd show up with fresh baked cookies and brownies - but I always knew I was trying to bribe people into liking me, and I always enjoyed the surprise people had at a 20-something man knowing how to cook and bake well, people would look at me with awe. Sometimes I'm a silly guy and can be funny, but I also know that's the first part of me to go into hiding when problems start, it's a part of me reliant on feeling safe and secure. That part of me has largely been lacking in the last 7 years now, and that was something Josh could appreciate as he's become very keenly aware of how much that means to him too and he insists on it. And at the end of it, is that I feel i have a wisdom, calm and stability to offer people. For all my anger issues, I'm good at helping people with their problems or cheering them up. That being said, there's a percentage of people who think me the worst kind of fool and would scoff at the idea of me having any wisdom at all...but that's always a subjective thing as to whether or not one speaks truth to another's values.
I may be poor now, so my generosity is not really a thing anymore. I'm too energy drained from depression to cook for people like I once did. I'm too anxious in groups to throw parties. and I rarely ever feel safe enough to be silly. The one thing that stays is the wisdom, and so I've come to value it highly. At the end of this list Josh pointed out a few problems: 1 - The ability to display wisdom or comfort is predicated upon people being able to trust me, and without the other things on the list, I can't get my foot in the door to earn that trust. 2 - I have sway over the weak-minded and that worries some people...which is true and I've known that since high school. 3 - This list is largely empty now, so I have few tools with which to make new friends. 4 - Underlying all of this is my own deeply held belief that my own self-worth is conditional, that I hide this from others while trying to talk them out of their own belief in such an idea...yes, I'm a hypocrit, I've never denied that.
There's a lot to unpack there and I'm running out of steam, so let's see what I can add to this.
Said list being empty, I've known for years and it's why I don't go out and try to meet new people and I desperately wish people would understand this before judging me about my actions. I know my limitations and I'm respecting them. I know full well that if I'm surrounded by new people I'm going to be very guarded and put off the 'go away' vibe, and that I am likely to self-sabotage any efforts to make new friends by saying inappropriate things. I don't trust them, they don't trust me. I'm not being fun or enjoyable and I'm not in the headspace to be. People see the lack of effort and think I'm being too timid or unwilling to try. And when I put myself out there and these things happen, they act like I'm consciously choosing to do these things. In both cases extraoverts tend to resent me for these things - see Derek and Warren.
Sway over the weak-minded...this is a mix of skill, confidence and being a reflective person. It's probably also tied to my mother's behavior that i picked up. I've always described my mother as a force unto herself, like some force of nature. A strong wind blows things up, pushed through things. Well, people who don't have a firm grounding get knocked about as I act with direction and force. Confidence is funny because people who lack it are willing to believe what you say. Being willing to open your mouth and express ideas or beliefs with conviction, people follow because that's in their nature. A lot of confident people keep their mouths shut, or they'd find themselves having the same effect. I've never had compunctions about that sort of thing and I have no explanation as to why. I just know that as a child I've always wanted to be the leader and it just seemed natural to act that way. But I've also been willing to go it alone if no one wanted to follow, at some point I got tired of being held back, held hostage by people too lazy or unsure to go forward. But I've also found that the best things require people to go with you, and that things I could do on my own lacked ambition, they just weren't as satisfying - see Hitmouse.
Wisdom requires trust...pretty cut and dry really. This is where the weak-minded come in handy, they're much more willing to trust, and I have always found myself much closer to such people. I imagine I could go full cult leader if I ran with this. People who are insecure are looking for someone with answers, and I'm always willing to share what answers I've found. I do it because I want to help people. But my answer came from walking a particular path of seeking, being willing to experiment, learn for myself, make mistakes, reflect and grow. I used to tell people follow the path, not the person in front of you - the person in front can be wrong, make mistakes or lose the path. But it's human nature to follow the person in front and be handed the answers. I've never learned how to cultivate the traits in others I use...and at the same time, when those people do explore, I'm too eager to critique their experiments, thus squashing any exploration they are doing. Josh has getting the hang of this, willing to listen to what I have to say because he respects my opinion, but also critically evaluating it and trying things his own way, having the fortitude to stand his ground whether right or wrong and take the consequences.
I started remembering a dream i had several years ago. It was this post-apoclyptic zombie setting. I was traveling alongside a group of survivors, but always a ways off from them. I was a satellite in their orbit. I was infected but safe, effectively a carrier. Whenever people of their group became infected, I would take them in and look over them. I watched over the outcasts and sometimes nursed them back to health so they could return to the main group. It's a very unsubtle dream about how I view myself and my place. I'm an outsider, and I am drawn to other outsiders, and it's my job to help them reintegrate, but it's never something I get to do. It's how I used to view my mental illness before therapy. I used to tell people in my friends group I was crazier then all of them, but also the sanest. In a way, that was a point of pride, that I knew I had a pretty severe condition, but that I was managing it better then they ever knew because I could pass among them and just be seen as eccentric. And the whole time I'd be trying to help them with their own problems. It all sounds very arrogant in hindsight, and yet I think not inaccurate. And yet, it speaks equally about my own desire to help others.
I even feel a little bad writing all of this, exposing my views of others. I wonder if people reading this would be offended. Maybe this is something I need to let go of because I'm being a less than honest friend by secretly holding these views. Some people are cynical and certainly people know I am, but I don't think people are prepared to be comfortable with this level of it. No one minds a cynic, we look to them for comedy, but we don't really ever think about how deep those thoughts go and how they're tied to emotion, we don't think through the ramifications, it gets ugly. Certainly this is some of the ugliest parts of myself.
Counter-argument though...and this is something of an edit. What Josh termed weak-willed people, I often consider reasonable people. Most of the time the confident ones come across as close-minded and obstinate, dismissing ideas without understanding them. Often times these people resist what I'm saying on the principle that I'm the one saying it...and it's difficult to take those people seriously. Some people are too easy to convince, usually because they haven't thought things through for themselves, but there's also reasonable people who listen, try to understand and then integrate what resonates with them. And therein is an important thing, it's only true because it resonates with what they already believe. I found myself needing to come back and add this because I wasn't being fully honest if I didn't. Sometimes when I'm being honest, it's easy to interpret that as only saying the negative things...and that's gotten me into trouble before.
Self-worth and it being conditional. This is my parents' doing through and through. School didn't help any...it never helps anyone in that position. I remember a line in the Simpsons where Homer is trying to teach Marge the rules of the schoolyard, and rule 1 was to mock anything that was different from you. School is our most important outlet for socializing outside the family, and it's a merciless place. From an early age, children sink or swim based on some innate personality traits and how functioning their home life is. Those who can lie well and/or blend in thrive, the rest suffer. It creates a fairly rigid caste system early on where few are able to change their rank, and this follows us for life to some extent.
I digress...but I don't know what more I can say that my parents were not the most loving, and that only got worse as I got older. Children are better seen and not heard...hell in my family they'd be happy if most of the time you weren't seen. I felt more like a toy in their eyes, when they're done playing with you and they grow bored, disappear, but at no point should speak unless spoken to. It's no surprise I have no idea how to relate to children or interact with them...and for a time I even resented them. My parents cared about obedience, and after that performance in school...it was only then did they encourage me to have friends. By the time that happened though, I was already something of a shut in, preferring to be alone and video games were a great outlet. When I suddenly had a social life late in high school they were relieved enough to not bother with much in the way of restrictions. But they got the priorities wrong I think, and i never forgot that obedience came first or there was physical discipline and yelling, which I know I interpretted as not being loved. So, yeah, love is earned...I didn't need modern hollywood culture to convince me of that...but self-worth goes along with it.
So I'll end this with something I've been saying for years and maybe now will make more sense to my readers... What started this phase of my life...second Mage game larp when I was feeling like a failure, none of my friends or my girlfriend thought to comfort me. And it was then that I realized no amount of deeds would earn me any friends. Not only was love conditional, it was impossible to earn from those closest to me. I'm here because that still stands as truth in my mind. And I've been trying to find a way to escape that since.
The last entry prompted an unexpected response. I remember the shock I was in reading it and trying to figure out who wrote it. I wasn't able to read it straight through as I kept jumping to different points trying to make sense of it and failing. There was some powerful language in it that was touching, but I think it felt more like panic...trying to think who could actually mean such kind words. For some reason my brain was really locked on to the idea it was one of the three people I was writing about, but process of elimination made me think Daniel. But the tone struck was not his mo and was in stark contrast to the letter he had written earlier in the week. I tried to think who else it could be based on the 4 people currently notified on FB who see when I post an entry and who they might've told. Took a little over 2 hours before I realized it was Mariah. Stalker that she is would still check my journal directly sporadically for updates and the soft words and high praise for me made much more sense. (I say stalker with love when it comes to Mariah) In hindsight it was all obvious, but then I was calmer when looking over the response again.
What's left me more to think about is my initial emotional response to seeing the post, and panic feels like as good a word as any. The stark contrast between the negativity written about and her praise was alarming. But I also thought maybe it was someone I thought had written me off was offering me a chance to be seen as a good person and that's some scary shit.
I told my therapist a little while ago I had run out of people from my past to try and reconnect with. I'm at a point where I can acknowledge that trying to connect with people from the past is a bad idea, but not so far convince I stop myself from doing it. Things always end for a reason, but it always my hope those reasons can be worked past in time as people change and mature. If I were to plot the veracity of that statement on a graph, the initial trend would show people for whom that holds no truth whatsoever, and then about half the results would show progress that on a long enough timeline falls back down to not working at all. And a few outliers for whom things remained positive but the relationship just faded away but the door remains open - that could be construed as a failure, but it's really not at all.
I decided to talk to Mariah. Her responses indicated she had some desire for closure from our time together and her writing said she was blaming herself for a lot of things. I know too well what that feels like. And maybe she never fully accepted that she's always going be special to me because of our relationship - how it ended it less important then the good times and the comfort shared during difficult times we both went through. I know I mean a lot to her too, and I respect the significance I have to her. I wanted to see what I could do to offer peace of mind to her and try to re-open a closed door.
We've been trading a few emails over the last few days, fairly long letters, catching up etc. They're long and draining enough that's why I haven't written the past few days, the focus required to write has been going there. And that's a good cause because the purpose of my writing is as much to reflect as it is to be emotionally available for a little while. Too much of my time is spent trying to be distracted and locked down to avoid dealing with pain, therapy alone isn't enough of a window to make headway. The hour or two spent writing is needed to push back the pain kept at bay.
She didn't have an email response waiting for me when I woke up this morning. I'm already concerned my last letter offended or angered her...don't think I've ever done that before...or maybe it just left her with things to think about that she'd rather not. It worries me a bit, but I'm avoiding stressing about it because I remember I didn't have a strong desired outcome to dread ruining. It's been awhile since I could say that.
I've found myself more locked down lately...and I'm not entirely sure when that happened, it was rather seemless actually. I suspect it came on the heels of the anger written about last. The hindsight result of which seems to be that I gathered enough anger to push back against all the blame i lay at my feet for the past, enough to feel some resurgence of self-worth and not feel so lonely. As a result, I've been feeling pretty ok...but if I stop and think about why, there's no reason, no facts on the ground have changed, just my perception of that.
That's a pretty good result actually. However, the emotional lockdown that came after concerns me more because it's a stasis with slow decay...it's like a block of ice being placed in the refrigerator - it's going to melt, but less slowly then if you left it at room temperature.
Now I think I can try and tackle some backlog.
I've been remembering some things lately, old memories pop up for the first time in a year or more. Each time it feels like discovering something new and I want to talk or write about it, and then I remember I already have. I feel a bit bad about it, but then I tell myself the reason I want to write or talk about it is because these things still hold power. They were highly emotionally charged moments that I've never fully made my peace with. I remember the swing accident at the start of 5th grade. The dreadful times doing spelling homework as a child, my mother yelling at me to do better and the meltdowns where I began punching myself in the head is frustration. What stands out most in those memories is how I couldn't see straight because I was crying so hard, the feeling of being in so much pain with no way out.
I remember sitting in freshman year high school Italian class and the teacher calling on me to give an answer about conjugating the verb, cercare. Not knowing the answer I was guessing, and 4 guesses in he was still waiting for me to give the right answer. One of my classmates whispered an answer and I went with it...I don't remember the proper spelling but it was something like cherce, which is pronounced more like churkey...but to an adolscent boy sounds like jerky. Said classmate wasn't trying to help, it was a setup to embarass me and they all laughed. But what bothers me most now is the teacher who couldn't show mercy to simply move on when it's clear I didn't have any idea of what the answer was. I fail to see the logic of letting a child sit and play guessing games. And I remember feeling smaller and smaller with each wrong answer given, my voice getting weaker. My voice still goes up and down with my confidence, that feels so juvenille and I resent myself for that. I take comfort in that no one seems to notice, or care.
In a phone call with Josh last week, the topic came up of self-worth. I spent some time trying to get Daniel and Josh to talk to each other more directly. They were friends before I knew them, but long since avoided each other and there some competitiveness/lack of respect behind the scenes. Josh was open to talking through it, but Daniel just entrenched. On a few occasions he had the audacity to ask Josh - "What do you have to offer me as a friend?" If ever there was a more selfish question asked, full of disrespect and lacking in tact.
And in the last few weeks I've found I can now ask Daniel the same question. After the disrespect he's shown our friendship, the unrestrained selfishness he's acted with...what does he have to offer me as a friend? Him living with me was a boon, a cornerstone to the belief that people might actually want to spend time with me because I'm a good person. That was all I really needed from him. I cooked his meals, cleaned up after him, managed his money, tried to help him get a handle on his weight...everything I could think of. It's not enough you know...or more to say money is the most important thing to Daniel, really always has been.
In his mind he knew I'd be mad, but he figured I'd get over it. And when he comes to ask why we can't be friends anymore, I can ask him - What do you have to offer me as a friend? You sure want lots of stuff from me, but what do you have to give in return? You've had the audacity to treat a friend with such a mercenary attitude, turn it on yourself, why should anyone put up with you? Because if you're already asking the question, you missed the point of friendship entirely. And even when I tried to tell him this, he still persisted in asking such an obnoxious question. And all the while I counseled Josh on how to get through to Daniel, to go past meeting him halfway, worst advice.
At the same time, there is a value some people are raised with, make sure you're of use to people, know what you have to offer them. And I think there's wisdom in teaching this to children from a young age. Mostly it should matter in the job market, but it's also about how to create opportunities. and really, I think many friendships are based on mutual gain...the question is, whether or not you notice the price you pay. If someone enjoys your company, you're giving something, it's just not something you have to apply any effort into or think about, but you're still giving. In theory, it's sufficient for a friendship to be based entirely on that going both ways...but in my experience, that is only true a fraction of the time. There's too many other factors like respect for values and character, emotional support, generosity and financial perks. Not all friendships are going to conform to an ideal, there's a range of different types and in theory a person is probably better off having all different types, so long as they know which ones are which.
All of that's murky beliefs and honestly I'm not entirely reconciled to how much of that I believe vs how much of that I actually practice - and it's all too intellectual a thing to have much meaning here.
What does though is that Josh turned this question on me...or maybe I started it when I posed the idea to him and then tried to give an example by how I'd answer the question, and then Josh pointed out the flaws in my answer. I used to be well known for my generosity. When i used to work, I always had extra money because my wants are few and I'm good at not spending most of it, so I wouldn't mind treating a friend to dinner or a movie if money was tight. they didn't need to ask, I'd just do it. I used to throw parties, sometimes expensive affairs and I'd go all overboard with these homecooked meals and such. Whenever I joined a new gaming group I'd show up with fresh baked cookies and brownies - but I always knew I was trying to bribe people into liking me, and I always enjoyed the surprise people had at a 20-something man knowing how to cook and bake well, people would look at me with awe. Sometimes I'm a silly guy and can be funny, but I also know that's the first part of me to go into hiding when problems start, it's a part of me reliant on feeling safe and secure. That part of me has largely been lacking in the last 7 years now, and that was something Josh could appreciate as he's become very keenly aware of how much that means to him too and he insists on it. And at the end of it, is that I feel i have a wisdom, calm and stability to offer people. For all my anger issues, I'm good at helping people with their problems or cheering them up. That being said, there's a percentage of people who think me the worst kind of fool and would scoff at the idea of me having any wisdom at all...but that's always a subjective thing as to whether or not one speaks truth to another's values.
I may be poor now, so my generosity is not really a thing anymore. I'm too energy drained from depression to cook for people like I once did. I'm too anxious in groups to throw parties. and I rarely ever feel safe enough to be silly. The one thing that stays is the wisdom, and so I've come to value it highly. At the end of this list Josh pointed out a few problems: 1 - The ability to display wisdom or comfort is predicated upon people being able to trust me, and without the other things on the list, I can't get my foot in the door to earn that trust. 2 - I have sway over the weak-minded and that worries some people...which is true and I've known that since high school. 3 - This list is largely empty now, so I have few tools with which to make new friends. 4 - Underlying all of this is my own deeply held belief that my own self-worth is conditional, that I hide this from others while trying to talk them out of their own belief in such an idea...yes, I'm a hypocrit, I've never denied that.
There's a lot to unpack there and I'm running out of steam, so let's see what I can add to this.
Said list being empty, I've known for years and it's why I don't go out and try to meet new people and I desperately wish people would understand this before judging me about my actions. I know my limitations and I'm respecting them. I know full well that if I'm surrounded by new people I'm going to be very guarded and put off the 'go away' vibe, and that I am likely to self-sabotage any efforts to make new friends by saying inappropriate things. I don't trust them, they don't trust me. I'm not being fun or enjoyable and I'm not in the headspace to be. People see the lack of effort and think I'm being too timid or unwilling to try. And when I put myself out there and these things happen, they act like I'm consciously choosing to do these things. In both cases extraoverts tend to resent me for these things - see Derek and Warren.
Sway over the weak-minded...this is a mix of skill, confidence and being a reflective person. It's probably also tied to my mother's behavior that i picked up. I've always described my mother as a force unto herself, like some force of nature. A strong wind blows things up, pushed through things. Well, people who don't have a firm grounding get knocked about as I act with direction and force. Confidence is funny because people who lack it are willing to believe what you say. Being willing to open your mouth and express ideas or beliefs with conviction, people follow because that's in their nature. A lot of confident people keep their mouths shut, or they'd find themselves having the same effect. I've never had compunctions about that sort of thing and I have no explanation as to why. I just know that as a child I've always wanted to be the leader and it just seemed natural to act that way. But I've also been willing to go it alone if no one wanted to follow, at some point I got tired of being held back, held hostage by people too lazy or unsure to go forward. But I've also found that the best things require people to go with you, and that things I could do on my own lacked ambition, they just weren't as satisfying - see Hitmouse.
Wisdom requires trust...pretty cut and dry really. This is where the weak-minded come in handy, they're much more willing to trust, and I have always found myself much closer to such people. I imagine I could go full cult leader if I ran with this. People who are insecure are looking for someone with answers, and I'm always willing to share what answers I've found. I do it because I want to help people. But my answer came from walking a particular path of seeking, being willing to experiment, learn for myself, make mistakes, reflect and grow. I used to tell people follow the path, not the person in front of you - the person in front can be wrong, make mistakes or lose the path. But it's human nature to follow the person in front and be handed the answers. I've never learned how to cultivate the traits in others I use...and at the same time, when those people do explore, I'm too eager to critique their experiments, thus squashing any exploration they are doing. Josh has getting the hang of this, willing to listen to what I have to say because he respects my opinion, but also critically evaluating it and trying things his own way, having the fortitude to stand his ground whether right or wrong and take the consequences.
I started remembering a dream i had several years ago. It was this post-apoclyptic zombie setting. I was traveling alongside a group of survivors, but always a ways off from them. I was a satellite in their orbit. I was infected but safe, effectively a carrier. Whenever people of their group became infected, I would take them in and look over them. I watched over the outcasts and sometimes nursed them back to health so they could return to the main group. It's a very unsubtle dream about how I view myself and my place. I'm an outsider, and I am drawn to other outsiders, and it's my job to help them reintegrate, but it's never something I get to do. It's how I used to view my mental illness before therapy. I used to tell people in my friends group I was crazier then all of them, but also the sanest. In a way, that was a point of pride, that I knew I had a pretty severe condition, but that I was managing it better then they ever knew because I could pass among them and just be seen as eccentric. And the whole time I'd be trying to help them with their own problems. It all sounds very arrogant in hindsight, and yet I think not inaccurate. And yet, it speaks equally about my own desire to help others.
I even feel a little bad writing all of this, exposing my views of others. I wonder if people reading this would be offended. Maybe this is something I need to let go of because I'm being a less than honest friend by secretly holding these views. Some people are cynical and certainly people know I am, but I don't think people are prepared to be comfortable with this level of it. No one minds a cynic, we look to them for comedy, but we don't really ever think about how deep those thoughts go and how they're tied to emotion, we don't think through the ramifications, it gets ugly. Certainly this is some of the ugliest parts of myself.
Counter-argument though...and this is something of an edit. What Josh termed weak-willed people, I often consider reasonable people. Most of the time the confident ones come across as close-minded and obstinate, dismissing ideas without understanding them. Often times these people resist what I'm saying on the principle that I'm the one saying it...and it's difficult to take those people seriously. Some people are too easy to convince, usually because they haven't thought things through for themselves, but there's also reasonable people who listen, try to understand and then integrate what resonates with them. And therein is an important thing, it's only true because it resonates with what they already believe. I found myself needing to come back and add this because I wasn't being fully honest if I didn't. Sometimes when I'm being honest, it's easy to interpret that as only saying the negative things...and that's gotten me into trouble before.
Self-worth and it being conditional. This is my parents' doing through and through. School didn't help any...it never helps anyone in that position. I remember a line in the Simpsons where Homer is trying to teach Marge the rules of the schoolyard, and rule 1 was to mock anything that was different from you. School is our most important outlet for socializing outside the family, and it's a merciless place. From an early age, children sink or swim based on some innate personality traits and how functioning their home life is. Those who can lie well and/or blend in thrive, the rest suffer. It creates a fairly rigid caste system early on where few are able to change their rank, and this follows us for life to some extent.
I digress...but I don't know what more I can say that my parents were not the most loving, and that only got worse as I got older. Children are better seen and not heard...hell in my family they'd be happy if most of the time you weren't seen. I felt more like a toy in their eyes, when they're done playing with you and they grow bored, disappear, but at no point should speak unless spoken to. It's no surprise I have no idea how to relate to children or interact with them...and for a time I even resented them. My parents cared about obedience, and after that performance in school...it was only then did they encourage me to have friends. By the time that happened though, I was already something of a shut in, preferring to be alone and video games were a great outlet. When I suddenly had a social life late in high school they were relieved enough to not bother with much in the way of restrictions. But they got the priorities wrong I think, and i never forgot that obedience came first or there was physical discipline and yelling, which I know I interpretted as not being loved. So, yeah, love is earned...I didn't need modern hollywood culture to convince me of that...but self-worth goes along with it.
So I'll end this with something I've been saying for years and maybe now will make more sense to my readers... What started this phase of my life...second Mage game larp when I was feeling like a failure, none of my friends or my girlfriend thought to comfort me. And it was then that I realized no amount of deeds would earn me any friends. Not only was love conditional, it was impossible to earn from those closest to me. I'm here because that still stands as truth in my mind. And I've been trying to find a way to escape that since.