hello
so i never write in this thing but i don't have a journal and eventhough no one may read this ever i feel it theraputic to write something. My mother's going to die and i don't know when it will be. It could be in one year it could be in 20 but her health will detiriorate the longer it takes anyway. My mother has had meningitis 4 times. Each time we've been lucky she hasn't died. In fact they've told me before that she is going to die so to prepare myself. This last time (a month ago) they finally realized my mother has an extremely rare syndrome (1 in a billion) that causes her to get meningitis on a let's say regular basis (4 times in 5 years) when it is supposed to be impossible to get it more than once. She's lost 80 percent of her short term memory of which she has recuperated some. There are also changes in her personality. She is more childlike now and i at times feel like the adult. The woman that is my mother now is not the mother i used to have and i at times still mourn for her even though i know she's still there in a way trapped inside my mothers head. With each time i feel myself getting more weak. I'm ashamed of myself because this last time before i took her to the hospital i went to my room and cried because i just didn't have the strength anymore. I felt i couldn't do it again i couldn't see her that way again... It eats away at me and i know i am no longer the strong person i used to be. My heart is no longer strong but full of scars barely holding itself together and i times i feel slowly tearing apart. They put her on a medicine that has a 90 percent chance of her not getting it again because if she get's it again they say that one of two things will happen. Either sever brain damage or death. Unfortunetly the only medicine that can cure her which is also her antiviral she is also extremely allergic to so her kidneys will slowly fail (she's already suffered kidney failure twice) so chances are in the next couple of years she'll need a kidney transplant of which i would not even hesitate to give her. She is the person i love the most in the world and my biggest fear has always been losing her. And honestly if i lose her.. i don't think i could survive. i know it sounds melodramatic. but she's also my best friend and my idol. When she dies i know i will only be a ghost of who i am and life will be meaningless to me. So the fact that there is a very large possibility that my mother will never know her grandchildren and might not even be around next year has shoock me to my core and i cry atleast twice i day now because when i'm not with her i feel guilty and when i am all i wanna do is cry and for her to tell me everything is gonna be ok. but i can't do the second because i don't want her to ever know i am in pain because i know that would cause her pain and i don't want her to suffer anymore than she already is.