It's exhausting when you lose your own game
There is so much going on my head that half this stuff is never going to make sense. I never know if I'm thinking way into things or not thinking about them enough. All I want sometimes is just to know things are going to work out, but then when they are working out, or at least to my own knowledge, they're not really there. You could be extremely confident and play off like you don't give a shit while being completely vunerable underneath. When do you put youself out there and when do you know that you should hold back? I feel like I'm never going to open up again sometimes. It's important to have a sense of self, to really believe you have it all figured out, but then these people come into your life that make you question your intentions and decisions because you have an outside opinion. When it comes down to it, none of us have a hold on anything. Things easily slip away just as easy as they fall into your lap. Do you trust everything, or trust nothing? I have no idea where I'll end up, but I guess the one thing you could count on is that you are the only person who is going to make a difference in your life. I don't think I could rely on anyone because people change, people let you down. So how do you settle from that? I guess you always need to have your bags packed. I feel like I'm constantly running in search of something that doesn't exist, and sometimes I get tired of running. But you can't stop, because the minute you do, you later realize you've wasted your time. I feel as though my life has been extremely fulfilling thus far, the decisions I've made have panned out in the greatest of situations that I can't be more than happy about. Is my confidence lacking because I've done some stupid things? No, I don't think so in the least, I guess life would be pretty dull if I didn't screw up once in a while. But I can't be confident in every aspect of my life because I don't know how things are going to turn out. That's what makes me nervous, makes me vulnerable. All I need is something to prove me wrong, that things are going to be worth it, for one time I finally show on the surface that I actually am a vulernable, lost girl like everyone else. No one has things figured out, so this time I just want to know that it will all eventually make sense.