chapter forty
Tom walked up to his cousin’s house and rang the doorbell. It was only in the afternoon so he knew the only one who would be home was Julian’s wife. She answered the door and let him in. Tom sat at the dinning table as she made some tea for him. He didn’t know why he came back here but he felt the urge to.
“Here you go,” she said, placing the cup of tea in front of him.
“Thank you,” Tom said, grabbing it with both his hands.
“I made it just how you like it,” she said, sitting down.
“Thank you,” Tom said, sipping it.
“How are you?” She asked.
“I’m alright,” Tom said, placing the cup down.
“Are you going back to school tomorrow?” She asked.
“I might,” Tom said. “I do miss my new mate, James.”
“I think you should,” she said. “It’s good for you.”
“I don’t like school,” Tom said, playing with the cup.
“Why?” She asked.
“It’s just not for me,” Tom said. “I don’t fit in.”
“Have you even tried?” She asked. “You’ve only went twice. I don’t think you can judge it that fast.”
“School never changes,” Tom said, sipping his tea.
She reached over the table and took Tom’s hand. “Don’t give up so easily.”
Tom looked up at her. He was certain she didn’t mean school when she said this and the way she looked at him proved this to him.
“I don’t know why I feel like this all the time,” Tom said. “I can fool people easily. I did this radio interview earlier today and I was able to mask my feelings so well.”
“I heard it,” she said, letting go of his hand. “It was very convincing.”
“Sometimes I wish I could…end it all,” Tom admitted. “Just rid myself of this pain once and for all…It would be so easy to do it.”
“And that’s why it would be so weak to do it,” she said. “You’re stronger than that.”
“But what if I’m not?” Tom asked. “What if my so called strength is another mask I’ve put up for all of you?”
“I’ve seen you grow from a bright young man with so much potential to a smart talented adult full of so much life,” She said. “I think I would know if you were faking anything or not.”
Tom Interlaced his fingers and placed them on his lips as he leaned his elbows on the table. “Sometimes…I release some of my pain in a…different way than drugs.”
“I know you do,” she said.
“It never helps for long,” Tom said, biting at his nails of his thumbs.
“I imagine it wouldn’t,” she said. “Do you want me to set up some counseling for you? I think it would do you some good to talk to a professional about this.”
Tom shook his head as he grabbed his cup of tea. “No one can help me.”
“You can’t say such things until you’ve tried it first,” she said. “Tom, no one wants to see you like this. We just want you to be your old self again.”
“I think that’s impossible,” Tom said. “I’m already dead inside. You can’t revive the dead.”
“But you can revive the soul,” she said. “You have to have faith in yourself and allow god to lead you down the right path.”
“God forgot about me a long time ago,” Tom said.
“He never does,” she said. “You might think this now but he is watching; waiting for you to allow his love in.”
Tom started to suck on his fingers out of habit.
“You’ll see,” she said. “He will guide you.”
Tom lowered his hand. “And what if he isn’t real?”
“I think that’s something you need to figure out on your own,” she said. “I can’t force you to believe.”
“Can I change the subject?” Tom asked.
“Certainly,” she said.
“I can’t go…” Tom said.
“Go where?” She asked.
“No…I can’t…go…I haven’t been able to for weeks,” Tom said.
“OH!” she said realizing what he meant. “Oh, Tom, that’s not good.”
“You think you could set up an appointment for me?” Tom asked. “It’s started to really hurt.”
“Of course I can,” she said, grabbing the phone.
Tom finished his tea as his cousin set up an appointment for next week for him. It was a bit of an embarrassing subject to bring up but he was hurting from the constipation. He remembered telling Henry on the walk home that it felt like he was pregnant with his own shit and he really needed to give birth. It gave them a good laugh on the way home. Tom was really starting to become close to Henry. He seemed to be the only one who understood him lately. He could relate to him more than to anyone else. Henry was better at masking his problems but he too was hurting. Tom would never tell anyone Henry’s secrets. He promised he wouldn’t.
“You think I could have some money for the train back to Manchester?” Tom asked.
“Sure,” she said, giving Tom some money.
“Thank you,” Tom said, pocketing it.
Tom was still at the house when the kids were dropped off. Mary was the first to lunge at him when she spotted him in the living room. Tom wasn’t in the mood for her foolishness and pushed her off him.
“I missed you so much!” Mary said.
“I’m sure you did…” Tom said, turning on the television.
Mary sat down near him. “How have you been?”
“Fine,” Tom said, channel surfing.
Mary placed her hand on Tom’s leg and started to rub it. Tom flinched.
“Mary, don’t,” Tom said, pushing her hand off.
“I heard you had a fall out with Josephie,” Mary said, placing her hand back on his leg.
“Yeah…What’s your point?” Tom asked, swatting her hand away.
“I want you,” Mary whispered in his ear and placed her hand between his legs.
Tom jumped up. “Whoa!”
“Is everything alright?” Samuel asked, entering the room.
“Everything is fine,” Mary said. “Tom just saw a spider.”
“Wow…be a man, Tom,” Samuel said, leaving the room.
“I don’t know why people lately have been thinking it’s alright to feel me up!” Tom hissed.
Mary stood up. “Who else touched you?”
“These crazy fan girls,” Tom said, running his fingers through his hair.
“Do you want me to take care of them?” Mary asked.
“Uh…no,” Tom said. “Let’s keep the madness down to a minimum.”
“I got some drugs in my room,” Mary said. “You want to take some?”
“I bet they are sugar tablets,” Tom said, snorting. “Or just plain sugar.”
“They are real!” Mary insisted. “I went to max. You know max don’t you?”
Tom nodded. “How did you find out about him?”
“Did some tracking down,” Mary said. “It wasn’t that hard.”
Tom sighed. “What do you have?”
“Hmm…” Mary said. “Don’t know. Pills.”
Tom laughed. “You didn’t even ask him what he was giving you? Mary…you’re so naive.”
“I’ll get them and show you,” Mary said, going to her room.
She returned moments later with a small baggie of pills which she handed to Tom.
“Looks like E,” Tom said, pulling one out. “Yeah…so not taking this with you. I am horny on E.”
Mary giggled. “I wouldn’t mind that.”
“Why do you want to sleep with me so bad?” Tom asked.
Mary shrugged. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure…” Tom said.
“Does anyone really love you?” Mary asked. “It doesn’t seem like it.”
Mary hit a nerve. She was right and this hurt Tom.
“No one does,” Tom said.
“You’re wrong. I do,” Mary said. “I’m the only one who has loved you unconditionally.”
“You’re right…” Tom said, sighing.
“Then why do you push me away?” Mary asked.
“Because it’s so wrong,” Tom said.
“What’s so wrong about love?” Mary asked.
“Nothing…” Tom said.
Mary took Tom’s hand and led him to her room. She sat him on the bed then sat down near him. Tom popped three of the pills and handed the baggie to Mary. She took one of them and looked around the room.
“When does it kick in?” Mary asked.
“Fifteen minutes to an hour,” Tom said.
“I see,” Mary said, turning on the television.
They sat there watching TV as they waited for the drugs to kick in. Every minute that past was agony for Tom. He just wanted the drugs to kick in already so he was in another state of consciousness: a better more euphoric one.