(no subject)
why is self-confidence such a difficult thing to attain for some, yet often overflowing for those who don't deserve it?
.... i feel very old. old and tired. yet i still fight sleep, because with sleep one must eventually wake up again. only i never wake up feeling rested.
maybe i just need more liquor.
maybe that's just the sort of line of thinking that used to drive others to the same thing. I wonder about my father. Whether or not he was family. if maybe his attempts to drown it out was what buried him in his drink.
ugh.
old. tired. vulnerable. nothing to show for it. no acomplishments. perhaps it's already too late for that. i bet on the wrong horse. it's over and done with. time to go home. almost 25 and i can't decide what i want to do because i don't have confidence that i can do anything. what i do have confidence in, i can't do. at least, can't live off of. maybe taking solace in the idea of a proffessional life of no meaning so that the personal life can accomplish more is correct. maybe it's bullshit. it has romanticism to it. the guide that comes from an unexpected territory. or maybe not. there is so little that there is contentment in. There needs to be more. We have to push forward. In everything. Stagnation and sitting still is not an option, but...
we've been running in place. trying for all this time to find the chink in the universe's armour. like a crab dancing sideways around it's opponent until you find the weakspot. Except we keep missing it.
Maybe we've been going about it all the wrong way. Maybe we're trying to find ways around things that must be run through. Maybe our attempts to pick our battles wisely has caused us not to pick our battles.
So afraid of risk, the little ones said. You loose all your chances.
so afraid of lost chances, but so afraid of taking them at the same time.
*resists the urge to rip out his own hair.*
fuck this. going to bed.
.... i feel very old. old and tired. yet i still fight sleep, because with sleep one must eventually wake up again. only i never wake up feeling rested.
maybe i just need more liquor.
maybe that's just the sort of line of thinking that used to drive others to the same thing. I wonder about my father. Whether or not he was family. if maybe his attempts to drown it out was what buried him in his drink.
ugh.
old. tired. vulnerable. nothing to show for it. no acomplishments. perhaps it's already too late for that. i bet on the wrong horse. it's over and done with. time to go home. almost 25 and i can't decide what i want to do because i don't have confidence that i can do anything. what i do have confidence in, i can't do. at least, can't live off of. maybe taking solace in the idea of a proffessional life of no meaning so that the personal life can accomplish more is correct. maybe it's bullshit. it has romanticism to it. the guide that comes from an unexpected territory. or maybe not. there is so little that there is contentment in. There needs to be more. We have to push forward. In everything. Stagnation and sitting still is not an option, but...
we've been running in place. trying for all this time to find the chink in the universe's armour. like a crab dancing sideways around it's opponent until you find the weakspot. Except we keep missing it.
Maybe we've been going about it all the wrong way. Maybe we're trying to find ways around things that must be run through. Maybe our attempts to pick our battles wisely has caused us not to pick our battles.
So afraid of risk, the little ones said. You loose all your chances.
so afraid of lost chances, but so afraid of taking them at the same time.
*resists the urge to rip out his own hair.*
fuck this. going to bed.