Sabato, il 12 settembre 1942
Lady Dracaena was here and I have to decide if I want to go down to the wedding or not. She said I shouldn't go if I can't support Melina, that Melina has waited for this since she was a little girl, not just to get married but this, to Marco, and she was actually very kind to me (though, not so much to Katya--she is really furious with Katya) and I love her very much but I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. She says people will talk more about me if I don't show up. But they're going to talk anyway. She also said the same thing Charis said, which is that I should tell people I cried off if I go, and she promised she would get me an interview with Edward Kyteler, she says he wants to talk to me, anyway, and that he's going to be interested in the things that I can do.
I feel so stupid, though. I really do. Alessio...well. I don't think I believe in Destiny any more. I know he stepped in front of a sword for me but why, if he was in love with someone else all along? Does he even know what he thinks about anything? I'm starting to feel sorry for Lady Dracaena's obnoxious son, or at least like he really deserves what he got. I've just not been thinking about Pappa, or my mother and brother, or anyone really, trusting that this was all going to sort itself out, and they're probably dead because I was impulsive and trusted Alessio, thinking that he was older than me and he knew what he was talking about!
All this and really it was just because he made me feel things that nobody else ever did. Suddenly I understood why Sergio was able to get Antonetta to make such a fool of herself, and...it's rather humbling, actually, to realise that I was just as stupid as she was. I wanted out of that mess before I met Alessio, but no-one here is ever going to believe that, and I could have been so much smarter about it all.
I wish I'd talked to Kenjiro. Now I really wonder what it was that he wanted to tell me that day. Maybe I will find the raven. I'm glad I never told Alessio about that. I certainly wouldn't trust him to find and save anyone.