BATS: A play in two acts.
BATS: A PLAY IN TWO ACTS
ACT ONE
[MITH, PUEL, and the PUELSISTER return to PUEL'S DAD'S HOUSE, after a lovely dinner with PUEL'S MOTHER.]
PUELSISTER: We should feed the cat.
MITH: I'll do it. Where's the cat food?
[MITH walks into the kitchen and searches for cat food. There is a flutter behind her.]
PUEL: Is the cat food in the container on the table?
PUELSISTER: Yeah.
MITH: And his water's full. Where's the cat?
PUEL: [entering the kitchen, turning on the lights] Kitty? Kitty, are you in here?
[PUEL notices the kitty perched on the kitchen table, batting at the air.]
PUEL: Kitty, what's --
[SOMETHING LARGE AND DARK flies over the kitty's head]
PUEL: Waugh!
PUELSISTER: What?
PUEL: I think there's something trapped in the kitchen, a bird or something, I can't really see.
MITH: Bird or bat? Is it a bird or a bat?
PUELSISTER: Guys, what's going on?
PUEL: There's something flying around in the kitchen, and we don't know if it's a --
[THE BAT flies over our heroines' heads]
PUEL: BAT!
PUELSISTER: [shrieks]
MITH: [also shrieks and ends up throwing the container of cat food in front of her as a shield, thus scattering dry cat food all over the kitchen floor]
PUEL: GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT
PUELSISTER: HOLD ON, I'LL CALL DAD
MITH: SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR
[THE BAT continues to swoop down at our heroines; PUEL realizes exactly why Bruce Wayne decided to dress up as one of these fuckers, because they are fucking terrifying when they are flying at you]
PUEL: [grabs hold of broom, pokes it futilely at the bat in motion but cannot bring herself to make contact with it, still shrieking] CAN'T YOU SEE THE DOOR LOOK LOOK THERE'S THE DOOR
MITH: OF COURSE IT CAN'T SEE THE DOOR, IT'S BLIND! [to BAT] ECHOLOCATE THE FUCKING DOOR!
PUELSISTER [on phone with PUEL'S DAD]: Dad, how did you capture the bat the last time there was a bat in the kitch -- ack!
PUEL: I'll get a container!
MITH: Then give me the broom!
PUEL: Where are the containers OH GOD IT JUST SWOOPED OVER ME
PUELSISTER: I don't know! Check the pantry!
PUEL: Could we use the cat food container?
[MITH does not relinquish the cat food container, continuing to brandish it before her as a shield. PUEL rummages through the pantry and finds a blue bowl, which will work as a bat-trapping device.]
PUEL: Where'd it go?
[MITH corners it on the window screen, broom in hand. PUELSISTER shoves a pillow into MITH's hand. PUEL brandishes the bowl in the BAT's general direction. As MITH moves in, the BAT spooks and continues to flutter overhead]
PUEL: THERE'S THE DOOR WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE THROUGH THE DOOR
MITH: THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
[THE BAT finally comes to rest in a different corner of the window screen, where only MITH can reach. PUELSISTER, still on the phone, and MITH advance on the BAT very, very slowly. PUEL grabs the broom back and gives MITH the bowl, so MITH can TRAP THE GODDAMN THING.]
PUEL: Slowly -- slowly -- slowly -- oh god oh god
MITH: I know --
[MITH successfully smacks the blue bowl in place over the BAT, which cheeps angrily.]
PUEL: Yay!
MITH: I can't move it.
PUEL: What?
MITH: I can't slide the pillow under the bowl. I need paper.
PUELSISTER: Hold on.
MITH: Wow, it's really angry. I think I broke its wing.
PUEL: Oh. [pause] There's cat food all over the floor.
MITH: I KNOW.
[PUELSISTER returns with paper. MITH slides the paper underneath the bowl, which takes some effort at first, but eventually she begins to push the bat onto it, until -- ]
MITH: Hang on, this isn't big enough.
PUEL: What?
MITH: There's a gap.
PUELSISTER [from the corner]: It'll be okay.
MITH: Where's Scotch tape? We need Scotch tape.
PUELSISTER: It's not going to fly through a little gap like that.
PUEL: Okay, how can we cover the gap? Do we need another piece of paper?
MITH: No, just Scotch tape.
PUELSISTER: We don't have Scotch tape.
MITH: FINE, let's get this over with -- OKAY. NOW.
[MITH pries the bowl and the bat and the paper away from the window.]
MITH: SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR
[PUEL does. MITH stumbles towards it and throws the bat out. The bowl and the paper, too.]
PUEL: SHOULD I CLOSE THE DOOR
MITH: CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
PUEL: Wait, where's the bowl?
ACT TWO
[Immediately after ACT ONE ends -- ]
PUEL, PUELSISTER, MITH: [shriek]
[ANOTHER LARGE AND DARK SHAPE flits overhead]
PUEL: JESUS FUCK I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF IT
PUELSISTER: NO I THINK IT'S A DIFFERENT BAT
MITH: IT IS A DIFFERENT BAT, I BROKE THE OTHER ONE'S WING
[THE SECOND BAT continues to flap overhead, swooping far too low for anyone's comfort. Our heroines shriek again. The cat food crunches underneath. Ominously.]
PUEL: WHERE'S THE BOWL
MITH: I THREW IT OUT THE DOOR!
PUEL: WE NEED ANOTHER BOWL!
[PUEL rushes into the pantry, flings several tupperware containers aside, and picks up a large metal bowl. She shoves it into MITH's hands and heads into her STEPMOTHER's office for a suitably large piece of paper.]
PUEL: [waving a bulky manila envelope with some kinds of samples inside] Will this work?
PUELSISTER: No!
PUEL: Does she have any manila folders?
PUELSISTER: Check her drawers!
[PUEL rifles through her STEPMOTHER's things, which is normally very rude but GIVE HER A BREAK, THERE IS ANOTHER FREAKING HUGE BAT IN THE KITCHEN. She finds a hanging envelope and runs back into the kitchen.]
PUEL: IS THIS BIG ENOUGH?
MITH: NOT NOW
[THE SECOND BAT continues to fly overhead. PUEL ducks reflexively.]
PUELSISTER [back on the phone with PUEL'S DAD]: -- no, it came back -- no, it's another one --
[MITH lunges for the BAT, which has come to rest, but it immediately alights again.]
MITH: ARGH!
[MITH again waits for the bat to come to rest and pounces on it, but it again slips away.]
MITH: STOP FLYING AROUND
PUEL: YOU'RE SPOOKING IT EVERYONE JUST BE REALLY REALLY QUIET OKAY
PUELSISTER: Someone go to the door!
[PUEL takes up position next to the door]
MITH: You're going to stay right there, sweetheart, stay riiiiiiight there --
[THE SECOND BAT does, and MITH traps it under the metal bowl.]
PUEL: Is the folder big enough?
MITH: Yes -- yes -- yes -- no --
PUEL: What?
MITH: Yes it's big enough but it won't bend.
PUELSISTER: What do you mean it won't bend?
[THE SECOND BAT continues to make an awful racket, but it is no longer flying about, and this is an improvement.]
PUEL: HELP HER OUT
MITH: Okay, I need you to hold this corner and this corner --
PUELSISTER: Okay, okay, I got it.
[MITH and PUELSISTER wrap the folder around the brim of the bowl and hold it down in four places so the SECOND BAT cannot escape. This is the HIGHEST LEVEL OF BAT SECURITY that we can muster. In retrospect, PUEL wishes she had spent less time screaming her head off and more time making BATMAN jokes. Later, she will explain the chronology of the VARIOUS ROBINS to MITH to the best of her BAT-ABILITIES, including why EVERYONE IN THE DC UNIVERSE WANTS TO FUCK DICK GRAYSON and NO ONE LIKES JASON TODD, EXCEPT ON TUMBLR.
RETURNING TO THE ACTION:]
MITH AND PUELSISTER: PUEL, OPEN THE DOOR
[PUEL does so, frantically, and MITH and PUELSISTER heave the bat out into the darkness. This time, they hold onto the bowl and folder. The three of them will have to retrieve the blue bowl later, assuming it hasn't shattered, but NOW IS NOT THE TIME.]
PUEL: [slamming the door shut, then looking at her feet] -- we need to vacuum this cat food. Where's the vacuum?
PUELSISTER: ...we don't have a vacuum.
EPILOGUE
[PUEL has almost finished typing this SORDID TALE, when:]
PUELSISTER: Puel, did you remember to feed the cat?
PUEL: ...FUCK.
END OF PLAY.
.
ACT ONE
[MITH, PUEL, and the PUELSISTER return to PUEL'S DAD'S HOUSE, after a lovely dinner with PUEL'S MOTHER.]
PUELSISTER: We should feed the cat.
MITH: I'll do it. Where's the cat food?
[MITH walks into the kitchen and searches for cat food. There is a flutter behind her.]
PUEL: Is the cat food in the container on the table?
PUELSISTER: Yeah.
MITH: And his water's full. Where's the cat?
PUEL: [entering the kitchen, turning on the lights] Kitty? Kitty, are you in here?
[PUEL notices the kitty perched on the kitchen table, batting at the air.]
PUEL: Kitty, what's --
[SOMETHING LARGE AND DARK flies over the kitty's head]
PUEL: Waugh!
PUELSISTER: What?
PUEL: I think there's something trapped in the kitchen, a bird or something, I can't really see.
MITH: Bird or bat? Is it a bird or a bat?
PUELSISTER: Guys, what's going on?
PUEL: There's something flying around in the kitchen, and we don't know if it's a --
[THE BAT flies over our heroines' heads]
PUEL: BAT!
PUELSISTER: [shrieks]
MITH: [also shrieks and ends up throwing the container of cat food in front of her as a shield, thus scattering dry cat food all over the kitchen floor]
PUEL: GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT
PUELSISTER: HOLD ON, I'LL CALL DAD
MITH: SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR
[THE BAT continues to swoop down at our heroines; PUEL realizes exactly why Bruce Wayne decided to dress up as one of these fuckers, because they are fucking terrifying when they are flying at you]
PUEL: [grabs hold of broom, pokes it futilely at the bat in motion but cannot bring herself to make contact with it, still shrieking] CAN'T YOU SEE THE DOOR LOOK LOOK THERE'S THE DOOR
MITH: OF COURSE IT CAN'T SEE THE DOOR, IT'S BLIND! [to BAT] ECHOLOCATE THE FUCKING DOOR!
PUELSISTER [on phone with PUEL'S DAD]: Dad, how did you capture the bat the last time there was a bat in the kitch -- ack!
PUEL: I'll get a container!
MITH: Then give me the broom!
PUEL: Where are the containers OH GOD IT JUST SWOOPED OVER ME
PUELSISTER: I don't know! Check the pantry!
PUEL: Could we use the cat food container?
[MITH does not relinquish the cat food container, continuing to brandish it before her as a shield. PUEL rummages through the pantry and finds a blue bowl, which will work as a bat-trapping device.]
PUEL: Where'd it go?
[MITH corners it on the window screen, broom in hand. PUELSISTER shoves a pillow into MITH's hand. PUEL brandishes the bowl in the BAT's general direction. As MITH moves in, the BAT spooks and continues to flutter overhead]
PUEL: THERE'S THE DOOR WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE THROUGH THE DOOR
MITH: THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
[THE BAT finally comes to rest in a different corner of the window screen, where only MITH can reach. PUELSISTER, still on the phone, and MITH advance on the BAT very, very slowly. PUEL grabs the broom back and gives MITH the bowl, so MITH can TRAP THE GODDAMN THING.]
PUEL: Slowly -- slowly -- slowly -- oh god oh god
MITH: I know --
[MITH successfully smacks the blue bowl in place over the BAT, which cheeps angrily.]
PUEL: Yay!
MITH: I can't move it.
PUEL: What?
MITH: I can't slide the pillow under the bowl. I need paper.
PUELSISTER: Hold on.
MITH: Wow, it's really angry. I think I broke its wing.
PUEL: Oh. [pause] There's cat food all over the floor.
MITH: I KNOW.
[PUELSISTER returns with paper. MITH slides the paper underneath the bowl, which takes some effort at first, but eventually she begins to push the bat onto it, until -- ]
MITH: Hang on, this isn't big enough.
PUEL: What?
MITH: There's a gap.
PUELSISTER [from the corner]: It'll be okay.
MITH: Where's Scotch tape? We need Scotch tape.
PUELSISTER: It's not going to fly through a little gap like that.
PUEL: Okay, how can we cover the gap? Do we need another piece of paper?
MITH: No, just Scotch tape.
PUELSISTER: We don't have Scotch tape.
MITH: FINE, let's get this over with -- OKAY. NOW.
[MITH pries the bowl and the bat and the paper away from the window.]
MITH: SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR
[PUEL does. MITH stumbles towards it and throws the bat out. The bowl and the paper, too.]
PUEL: SHOULD I CLOSE THE DOOR
MITH: CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
PUEL: Wait, where's the bowl?
ACT TWO
[Immediately after ACT ONE ends -- ]
PUEL, PUELSISTER, MITH: [shriek]
[ANOTHER LARGE AND DARK SHAPE flits overhead]
PUEL: JESUS FUCK I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF IT
PUELSISTER: NO I THINK IT'S A DIFFERENT BAT
MITH: IT IS A DIFFERENT BAT, I BROKE THE OTHER ONE'S WING
[THE SECOND BAT continues to flap overhead, swooping far too low for anyone's comfort. Our heroines shriek again. The cat food crunches underneath. Ominously.]
PUEL: WHERE'S THE BOWL
MITH: I THREW IT OUT THE DOOR!
PUEL: WE NEED ANOTHER BOWL!
[PUEL rushes into the pantry, flings several tupperware containers aside, and picks up a large metal bowl. She shoves it into MITH's hands and heads into her STEPMOTHER's office for a suitably large piece of paper.]
PUEL: [waving a bulky manila envelope with some kinds of samples inside] Will this work?
PUELSISTER: No!
PUEL: Does she have any manila folders?
PUELSISTER: Check her drawers!
[PUEL rifles through her STEPMOTHER's things, which is normally very rude but GIVE HER A BREAK, THERE IS ANOTHER FREAKING HUGE BAT IN THE KITCHEN. She finds a hanging envelope and runs back into the kitchen.]
PUEL: IS THIS BIG ENOUGH?
MITH: NOT NOW
[THE SECOND BAT continues to fly overhead. PUEL ducks reflexively.]
PUELSISTER [back on the phone with PUEL'S DAD]: -- no, it came back -- no, it's another one --
[MITH lunges for the BAT, which has come to rest, but it immediately alights again.]
MITH: ARGH!
[MITH again waits for the bat to come to rest and pounces on it, but it again slips away.]
MITH: STOP FLYING AROUND
PUEL: YOU'RE SPOOKING IT EVERYONE JUST BE REALLY REALLY QUIET OKAY
PUELSISTER: Someone go to the door!
[PUEL takes up position next to the door]
MITH: You're going to stay right there, sweetheart, stay riiiiiiight there --
[THE SECOND BAT does, and MITH traps it under the metal bowl.]
PUEL: Is the folder big enough?
MITH: Yes -- yes -- yes -- no --
PUEL: What?
MITH: Yes it's big enough but it won't bend.
PUELSISTER: What do you mean it won't bend?
[THE SECOND BAT continues to make an awful racket, but it is no longer flying about, and this is an improvement.]
PUEL: HELP HER OUT
MITH: Okay, I need you to hold this corner and this corner --
PUELSISTER: Okay, okay, I got it.
[MITH and PUELSISTER wrap the folder around the brim of the bowl and hold it down in four places so the SECOND BAT cannot escape. This is the HIGHEST LEVEL OF BAT SECURITY that we can muster. In retrospect, PUEL wishes she had spent less time screaming her head off and more time making BATMAN jokes. Later, she will explain the chronology of the VARIOUS ROBINS to MITH to the best of her BAT-ABILITIES, including why EVERYONE IN THE DC UNIVERSE WANTS TO FUCK DICK GRAYSON and NO ONE LIKES JASON TODD, EXCEPT ON TUMBLR.
RETURNING TO THE ACTION:]
MITH AND PUELSISTER: PUEL, OPEN THE DOOR
[PUEL does so, frantically, and MITH and PUELSISTER heave the bat out into the darkness. This time, they hold onto the bowl and folder. The three of them will have to retrieve the blue bowl later, assuming it hasn't shattered, but NOW IS NOT THE TIME.]
PUEL: [slamming the door shut, then looking at her feet] -- we need to vacuum this cat food. Where's the vacuum?
PUELSISTER: ...we don't have a vacuum.
EPILOGUE
[PUEL has almost finished typing this SORDID TALE, when:]
PUELSISTER: Puel, did you remember to feed the cat?
PUEL: ...FUCK.
END OF PLAY.
.