I always miss the really obvious stuff.
So I do think I've recovered from the latest crippling bout of self-doubt, mostly.
Those of you who know me know that I procrastinate like hell. Not because I'm averse to doing work, but because I'm a perfectionist to the highest degree, and the task of sitting down/standing up/assuming whatever position is necessary and working on something becomes overwhelming because I work myself into a state of mind where whatever I do SHOULD be perfect on the first go-round. And I'm paralyzed by the fact that I never think I'm as brilliant as I should be, and that I view my paralysis as proof that I'm not committed enough or dedicated enough or good enough, because I should be good enough to get it right, goldangit. And I worry that everyone will see me as a fraud and a failure, and at times that keeps me from even trying -- better not to try than to be told that all my worst fears about myself are true, that I am wrong and I am worthless and I can't do anything of value.
It's fucked up. I'm aware of this, and when I step back I can point out all the flaws in this line of reasoning. It's still how I think, and breaking myself of the habit is ... really, really hard. Especially in all of my creative work.
What it comes down to, I think, is that I just need to get up and do it. I don't need to stop midway through and edit myself, I don't need to try to monitor every little thing at once and make sure everything I'm doing is absolutely perfect, I don't need to block off my impulses because what if they're the wrong ones. I need to get it out there and live through it, and I can go back and refine through practice and revision, but if I don't put anything out there, I WON'T get better.
So I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to try to sit down and write something every day, even if it's not the next Great American Novel or whatever. I just need to set these kinds of good habits for myself so I stop worrying about what it is that I'm doing and just start doing, instead. And I know that my resolutions tend to fail in the face of my considerable neuroses, but I'm really going to try and keep this one.
...and hey, even writing that makes me feel better. ♥
(PS: Speaking of "I always miss the really obvious stuff," WHERE HAS PRINCESS TUTU BEEN ALL MY LIFE AND WHY DID I NOT PICK IT UP SOONER. Between that and Mad Men, I am sort of in a These Shows Give Me Everything I Want Out Of TV-induced state of mediabliss.)
Those of you who know me know that I procrastinate like hell. Not because I'm averse to doing work, but because I'm a perfectionist to the highest degree, and the task of sitting down/standing up/assuming whatever position is necessary and working on something becomes overwhelming because I work myself into a state of mind where whatever I do SHOULD be perfect on the first go-round. And I'm paralyzed by the fact that I never think I'm as brilliant as I should be, and that I view my paralysis as proof that I'm not committed enough or dedicated enough or good enough, because I should be good enough to get it right, goldangit. And I worry that everyone will see me as a fraud and a failure, and at times that keeps me from even trying -- better not to try than to be told that all my worst fears about myself are true, that I am wrong and I am worthless and I can't do anything of value.
It's fucked up. I'm aware of this, and when I step back I can point out all the flaws in this line of reasoning. It's still how I think, and breaking myself of the habit is ... really, really hard. Especially in all of my creative work.
What it comes down to, I think, is that I just need to get up and do it. I don't need to stop midway through and edit myself, I don't need to try to monitor every little thing at once and make sure everything I'm doing is absolutely perfect, I don't need to block off my impulses because what if they're the wrong ones. I need to get it out there and live through it, and I can go back and refine through practice and revision, but if I don't put anything out there, I WON'T get better.
So I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to try to sit down and write something every day, even if it's not the next Great American Novel or whatever. I just need to set these kinds of good habits for myself so I stop worrying about what it is that I'm doing and just start doing, instead. And I know that my resolutions tend to fail in the face of my considerable neuroses, but I'm really going to try and keep this one.
...and hey, even writing that makes me feel better. ♥
(PS: Speaking of "I always miss the really obvious stuff," WHERE HAS PRINCESS TUTU BEEN ALL MY LIFE AND WHY DID I NOT PICK IT UP SOONER. Between that and Mad Men, I am sort of in a These Shows Give Me Everything I Want Out Of TV-induced state of mediabliss.)