Untitled Ed Miliband/Alan Johnson crack
“So as I was saying…about the graduate tax…” Ed had been sat on Alan’s desk for some time, discussing policies with the older man whilst rapidly flicking his pen between his middle and forefinger, a habit he had adapted back in college and which seemed to always rear its head when he was talking about something he was passionate about. Only, this time, he had flicked the sleek gold pen too fast and it went flying below Alan’s desk into the darkness.
There was an awkward pause between the two, as Alan started to reach down and Ed cut in “I’ll get it” before jumping off the desk and crawling below, muttering “It’s my favourite pen.” Alan didn’t protest despite the fact Ed was now moving very closely against his legs, hunting desperately for the pen.
“Ah, here, I think I’ve got it…” Ed exclaimed, just as Douglas Alexander walked in through the door which Alan had so carelessly left open.
“Mr Johnson.” Douglas said and Ed froze below the desk as he heard, closing his mouth quickly and keeping very still. His lips twisted into a grimace as he realised what it would look like if Douglas realised he was under Alan’s desk. Although he tried to ignore it, even he had noticed how people, admittedly mostly in the Conservative cabinet, sniggered as he walked by. He had heard the rumours about himself…how he had supposedly got his position as leader by sucking off various important people. All nonsense of course. And it did upset Ed to think that people had such a lack of faith in him. But nonetheless he kept his head hunched under the desk because he knew what it would look like. And although he had every reason to believe Douglas held some confidence in him, even he couldn’t deny that the leader of the opposition being caught under his shadow chancellors desk (a shadow chancellor who everyone knew had various conflicting opinions to said leader) in a very uncompromising position wouldn’t look very good at all.
“Alan, please…” Alan muttered, making sure he kept his gaze fixed above the desk as to not give away Ed’s rather unflattering present position.
“Alan, yes. Ed Balls is outside waiting to see you about those last figures. Is now a good time?”
“Not really. But send him in anyway.” Alan said with a small hand gesture.
Douglas gave a small smile and walked out the room. Ed finally looked up and began to crawl out from the small space.
“No.” Alan whispered, gently pushing Ed’s head back under the desk. “Not enough time.” He finished as the door to his office swung open even further as Ed Balls rushed in. Ed bounded right up to the desk and both Alan and Ed held their breath as they realised if Ed so much as leaned over the polished wooden surface they would be found out. Found out for what exactly neither were quite sure. But it didn’t sound good.
“I wont be long Alan, I’ve just checked these figures for you. All is good right now. You seen Ed anywhere by the way?” A frown formed on the mans face. “I’ve been looking for him everywhere.” The other Ed’s chest felt like it was about to explode with the heaviness of his rapidly beating heart. He was seriously surprised Ed couldn’t hear it from the other side of the desk it was thumping so loudly.
“Can’t say I have I’m afraid.” Alan coolly answered.
“It’s okay. I just wanted to talk to him is all.” Ed dismissed turning away. “In a bit of a hurry right now, but Burnham’s outside, I’ll tell him to come in shall I?” He didn’t wait for an answer but bounded out of the room as fast as he had come in, leaving the two men frozen.
“What shall we do?” Ed asked in a panic ridden voice as soon as the other Ed was out of the room and out of earshot. “I can’t stay under here all day! People will get…suspicious.”
“Not as suspicious as if they catch you under there.” Alan gave a small good willed chuckle. “Oh dear, we are in a bit of a pickle aren’t we.”
“Yes.” Ed sighed. “An ERIC Pickle.” Alan laughed at Ed’s attempt at a joke just as a wide eyed and slightly flustered looking Andy Burnham came into the room.
“What can I do for you Andy?” Alan asked, the smile still playing on his lips.
“I actually just came to pick up some papers I left with you the other day. The building schools for the future ones? About the cuts?” Alan breathed a sigh of relief as he realised they were on his desk right in front of him and therefore he wouldn’t have to stand up and risk bashing Ed’s head with various body parts on the way.
“Right here.” Alan smiled. Andy, thank goodness, rushed to pick them up without so much as leaning over the desk.
“Thanks a lot mate. Top. Top man.” Andy muttered as he walked quickly towards the door.
“Erm, Andy?” Alan called after the young man.
“Yes?” Andy paused.
“Is anyone else out there in the corridor? Waiting to see me I mean? Anyone at all?”
“Not that I saw. No one.”
“Thanks a lot.” Alan smiled, waving the man goodbye as he left the room, closing the door behind him thank Marion mother of Miliband.
“Right, quick.” Alan beamed at Ed, pulling his chair back and holding the younger man’s hand to steady him as he tried to crawl out from under the desk.
The door burst open once again, causing Ed to jump and drop Alan’s hand. The younger man, now without anything to hold on to fell face first into Alan’s lap, his hands grasping wildly for something to break his fall.
Andy Burnham entered the room slowly, his eyes were pinned open so wide, Alan couldn’t help but think he well and truly looked like a deer caught in the headlines of an oncoming lorry. His mouth had dropped open slightly and his brow furrowed down into his nose.
“I forgot my education report.” He said slowly, his eyes not leaving Alan’s lap in which Ed’s head was buried, the leader of the party currently trying to stand up but as he did his back hit the underside of the desk and he once again fell onto Alan…this time his face connected with the older mans chest and Alan had to grasp a hold of Ed’s shoulders to keep him from falling off Alan completely and hitting the floor.
“I’m sorry…it’s right here.” Alan removed one hand from the leaders shoulders to pick up a brown envelope on his desk and hold it out sheepishly to the education minister who currently looked like an infant who had caught his parents in the middle of doing something…terrible. Alan’s internal voice chuckled at the way Andy’s eyes were fixed like a magnet onto the obvious sight of the leader, half under the desk and half on top of Alan’s lap, with his face buried into the other mans chest and his arms spinning wildly and yet Andy couldn’t seem to find the words or will to ask what was going on.
“I’ll just leave you two now.” Andy gave a small embarrassed smile and rushed out the office faster than lightening, closing the door tightly behind him.
“Do you think he will tell?” Ed sighed, his hands giving up their desperate search for something steady to hold onto and flopping to his side, his face still buried helplessly into the other mans shirted chest.
“Almost certainly.” Alan gave a small smile. “He tells Ed Balls everything. But I doubt it will go any further than that. Don’t worry my boy.” Alan’s hands once again returned to Ed’s shoulders, rubbing them gently. The leader seemed to be well and truly exhausted from trying to escape from under the desk and didn’t attempt to move from the rather comfy but admittedly embarrassing position of Alan’s lap. The shadow chancellor smiled down at the younger man and moved his right hand to stroke Ed’s hair and forehead gently. He pressed a small chaste kiss onto the skin there.
“Hey, Ed?” Alan asked after a while, his lips still pressed against Ed’s forehead.
“Yes?” Ed’s fingers brushed against Alan’s.
“Did you even get your pen?” Alan smiled, holding the man’s hand gently.
“No.” Ed chuckled.
There was an awkward pause between the two, as Alan started to reach down and Ed cut in “I’ll get it” before jumping off the desk and crawling below, muttering “It’s my favourite pen.” Alan didn’t protest despite the fact Ed was now moving very closely against his legs, hunting desperately for the pen.
“Ah, here, I think I’ve got it…” Ed exclaimed, just as Douglas Alexander walked in through the door which Alan had so carelessly left open.
“Mr Johnson.” Douglas said and Ed froze below the desk as he heard, closing his mouth quickly and keeping very still. His lips twisted into a grimace as he realised what it would look like if Douglas realised he was under Alan’s desk. Although he tried to ignore it, even he had noticed how people, admittedly mostly in the Conservative cabinet, sniggered as he walked by. He had heard the rumours about himself…how he had supposedly got his position as leader by sucking off various important people. All nonsense of course. And it did upset Ed to think that people had such a lack of faith in him. But nonetheless he kept his head hunched under the desk because he knew what it would look like. And although he had every reason to believe Douglas held some confidence in him, even he couldn’t deny that the leader of the opposition being caught under his shadow chancellors desk (a shadow chancellor who everyone knew had various conflicting opinions to said leader) in a very uncompromising position wouldn’t look very good at all.
“Alan, please…” Alan muttered, making sure he kept his gaze fixed above the desk as to not give away Ed’s rather unflattering present position.
“Alan, yes. Ed Balls is outside waiting to see you about those last figures. Is now a good time?”
“Not really. But send him in anyway.” Alan said with a small hand gesture.
Douglas gave a small smile and walked out the room. Ed finally looked up and began to crawl out from the small space.
“No.” Alan whispered, gently pushing Ed’s head back under the desk. “Not enough time.” He finished as the door to his office swung open even further as Ed Balls rushed in. Ed bounded right up to the desk and both Alan and Ed held their breath as they realised if Ed so much as leaned over the polished wooden surface they would be found out. Found out for what exactly neither were quite sure. But it didn’t sound good.
“I wont be long Alan, I’ve just checked these figures for you. All is good right now. You seen Ed anywhere by the way?” A frown formed on the mans face. “I’ve been looking for him everywhere.” The other Ed’s chest felt like it was about to explode with the heaviness of his rapidly beating heart. He was seriously surprised Ed couldn’t hear it from the other side of the desk it was thumping so loudly.
“Can’t say I have I’m afraid.” Alan coolly answered.
“It’s okay. I just wanted to talk to him is all.” Ed dismissed turning away. “In a bit of a hurry right now, but Burnham’s outside, I’ll tell him to come in shall I?” He didn’t wait for an answer but bounded out of the room as fast as he had come in, leaving the two men frozen.
“What shall we do?” Ed asked in a panic ridden voice as soon as the other Ed was out of the room and out of earshot. “I can’t stay under here all day! People will get…suspicious.”
“Not as suspicious as if they catch you under there.” Alan gave a small good willed chuckle. “Oh dear, we are in a bit of a pickle aren’t we.”
“Yes.” Ed sighed. “An ERIC Pickle.” Alan laughed at Ed’s attempt at a joke just as a wide eyed and slightly flustered looking Andy Burnham came into the room.
“What can I do for you Andy?” Alan asked, the smile still playing on his lips.
“I actually just came to pick up some papers I left with you the other day. The building schools for the future ones? About the cuts?” Alan breathed a sigh of relief as he realised they were on his desk right in front of him and therefore he wouldn’t have to stand up and risk bashing Ed’s head with various body parts on the way.
“Right here.” Alan smiled. Andy, thank goodness, rushed to pick them up without so much as leaning over the desk.
“Thanks a lot mate. Top. Top man.” Andy muttered as he walked quickly towards the door.
“Erm, Andy?” Alan called after the young man.
“Yes?” Andy paused.
“Is anyone else out there in the corridor? Waiting to see me I mean? Anyone at all?”
“Not that I saw. No one.”
“Thanks a lot.” Alan smiled, waving the man goodbye as he left the room, closing the door behind him thank Marion mother of Miliband.
“Right, quick.” Alan beamed at Ed, pulling his chair back and holding the younger man’s hand to steady him as he tried to crawl out from under the desk.
The door burst open once again, causing Ed to jump and drop Alan’s hand. The younger man, now without anything to hold on to fell face first into Alan’s lap, his hands grasping wildly for something to break his fall.
Andy Burnham entered the room slowly, his eyes were pinned open so wide, Alan couldn’t help but think he well and truly looked like a deer caught in the headlines of an oncoming lorry. His mouth had dropped open slightly and his brow furrowed down into his nose.
“I forgot my education report.” He said slowly, his eyes not leaving Alan’s lap in which Ed’s head was buried, the leader of the party currently trying to stand up but as he did his back hit the underside of the desk and he once again fell onto Alan…this time his face connected with the older mans chest and Alan had to grasp a hold of Ed’s shoulders to keep him from falling off Alan completely and hitting the floor.
“I’m sorry…it’s right here.” Alan removed one hand from the leaders shoulders to pick up a brown envelope on his desk and hold it out sheepishly to the education minister who currently looked like an infant who had caught his parents in the middle of doing something…terrible. Alan’s internal voice chuckled at the way Andy’s eyes were fixed like a magnet onto the obvious sight of the leader, half under the desk and half on top of Alan’s lap, with his face buried into the other mans chest and his arms spinning wildly and yet Andy couldn’t seem to find the words or will to ask what was going on.
“I’ll just leave you two now.” Andy gave a small embarrassed smile and rushed out the office faster than lightening, closing the door tightly behind him.
“Do you think he will tell?” Ed sighed, his hands giving up their desperate search for something steady to hold onto and flopping to his side, his face still buried helplessly into the other mans shirted chest.
“Almost certainly.” Alan gave a small smile. “He tells Ed Balls everything. But I doubt it will go any further than that. Don’t worry my boy.” Alan’s hands once again returned to Ed’s shoulders, rubbing them gently. The leader seemed to be well and truly exhausted from trying to escape from under the desk and didn’t attempt to move from the rather comfy but admittedly embarrassing position of Alan’s lap. The shadow chancellor smiled down at the younger man and moved his right hand to stroke Ed’s hair and forehead gently. He pressed a small chaste kiss onto the skin there.
“Hey, Ed?” Alan asked after a while, his lips still pressed against Ed’s forehead.
“Yes?” Ed’s fingers brushed against Alan’s.
“Did you even get your pen?” Alan smiled, holding the man’s hand gently.
“No.” Ed chuckled.