all i wanted was just 1 pepsi..........
so i'm havin a crap weekend studying for this stupid exam (for the third time) and i get hungry so i go down to the store beneath my building for a sandwitch. it's a nice store, convenient, got lots of goodies and sundries for more or less of a reasonable price. all you want in a store really. they have a host of competant staff who are pretty much appathetic but will help ya if you ask.....all except for the new person. behind the deli counter, in a wrinkled apron with a nametag that reads suzie (or somethin duo-syllabic like that)is this middle-aged asian woman who squints at me on account of my looking like i crawled out of the gutter and combed my hair with a sofa cushion. now the only reason i mention a) the fact that she is middle-aged, b) the fact that she is asian, and c) the fact that she is a she, is for descriptive purposes only (as anyone who is unfortunate enough to know me, knows i pretty much don't give a rat's ass about any of that stuff - if yer a moron, i'm gonna let you know). anyhoo, i grab a kaizer bun like i usually do and hand it to "suzie", smile and say "could i have a salami sandwitch?"
wow it was like i had just asked her how to pilot the spaceshuttle. she froze for about 5 seconds and during this awkward silence she just stared at me. already i was gettin a bad feeling about this whole transaction. she comes to and says "huh? what that?", i repeat to her (tentatively this time) "salami...on a bun" and with that request i point up at the menu over both our heads at the first line. she turns her back on me and proceeds to go over the entire menu silently looking for that one bit of information that will turn the key in the lock of this odd deli counter order process. after a good 15 more seconds of silent pondering she turns back to me and tells me she has no idea what it is that i want. i point at the first line of the menu one more time and decide to say "salami sandwitch" pretty loud. shit, i didn't know if she had a hearing aid or what...right? right. so now i am pointin and repeating "salami sandwitch! salami sandwitch" like a retard for another 10 seconds or so drawing the attention of most of the people in the store (i'm gonna say there were 20 people -customers/staff in there at the time).
i tell her a couple of times it's the first item on the menu. "right there...top-left...the first line!" she spots it. she says " oooohh, you want sandwitch. at this point the nerves surrounding my left eye give me a good twichin and i'm thinking to myself "whew, we're almost there".......wrong. oh so very wrong.
she points over to a low fridge cabinet where they have a bunch of items like jamaican patties and jello and yogurt drinks that nobody ever buys and...low and behold...wrapped sandwitches. you know the kind, the ones that were made in the middle of the night for some crackhead who didn't have any money and had to settle for rooting in the garbage outside the front of the store at like 4:00am that morning after partying at a boozecan listening to bad emo music.
i digress.
i give the fridge a sideways glance and without skipping a beat i said to her that if i wanted a prewrapped sandwitch from last night i would have reached in there and got one. i can feel one of my hands starting to clench. she comes out from behind the deli counter with my bun and grabs one of the cold, premade, packaged sandwitches (it is covered in sweat and i can't even verify if it is indeed salami like the label says) and forces it at me. "same same." that's all she said...just "same same". i started to laugh, partly out of not knowing what else to do and partly because it seemed genuinely comical to me on some level. i asked her if she was going to make me a sandwitch. i don't think she even heard me, as she started to raise her voice to match my elevated levels. "you take this, same."
i snap. i yell at her. "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME A SANDWITCH?" i pointed at the deli counter sign in a last vain attempt at logic "THEN WHY ARE YOU STANDING AT THE SANDWITCH COUNTER?"
i grab the plastic wrapped morsel and heave the fucker right back into the fridge where it lands with a loud THUD against oh so many other forgotten and at one time delectable odds and ends, rejects one and all - the absolute last stop before the dumpster out back the store. i can hear myself yelling now...."just forget about it! i don't want a sandwitch anymore, fuck sakes." i back away from the deli counter and turn for the front door, she's holding my bun aloft like some kind of talisman that wards off crazy customers and i bolt.
i get outside and quickly walk about 40 feet before what just happened begins to sink in. i am laughing loudly to myself passing other people in the street who bring their kids in under the wing a little closer in an effort to keep them out of harm's way - i must have been messed up lookin at this point. in my delierium, i had walked all the way down the block and ended up in front of - you guessed it - SUBWAY!!! finally some come-upance. i had fought the establishment and fucking won!! ooh yeah baby, it was pretty sweet! i pulled on the door and took a step inside where the smells of fresh bread wafted through the air and i smiled. smiled that is until i realized i was at least 23rd in line. the baseball game had just got out i guess and i was standing in a line that had me litteraly wedged up against the glass of the small franchise.
i panicked. i didn't know what to do. i cracked the door open to get a little fresh air as it was gettin hard to breathe with all these fuck-faces suckin up my air and the alarm bell went off that tells the staff some customer has just walked in. i think i yelled some more obscenities louder than i should have and left the premises without said sandwitch in tow. i ended up going back upstairs utterly defeated. thought to myself "serves you right, asshole...talkin to people like that..." cracked open a tomato soup and went back to studying shit that i hope i never need to use.
there's a lesson in there somewhere kids.....fucked if i know what it is, but i hope writing it has brought you a smile or two to hear about my trials and tribulations. it certainly makes me smile about it now.
stinky.
wow it was like i had just asked her how to pilot the spaceshuttle. she froze for about 5 seconds and during this awkward silence she just stared at me. already i was gettin a bad feeling about this whole transaction. she comes to and says "huh? what that?", i repeat to her (tentatively this time) "salami...on a bun" and with that request i point up at the menu over both our heads at the first line. she turns her back on me and proceeds to go over the entire menu silently looking for that one bit of information that will turn the key in the lock of this odd deli counter order process. after a good 15 more seconds of silent pondering she turns back to me and tells me she has no idea what it is that i want. i point at the first line of the menu one more time and decide to say "salami sandwitch" pretty loud. shit, i didn't know if she had a hearing aid or what...right? right. so now i am pointin and repeating "salami sandwitch! salami sandwitch" like a retard for another 10 seconds or so drawing the attention of most of the people in the store (i'm gonna say there were 20 people -customers/staff in there at the time).
i tell her a couple of times it's the first item on the menu. "right there...top-left...the first line!" she spots it. she says " oooohh, you want sandwitch. at this point the nerves surrounding my left eye give me a good twichin and i'm thinking to myself "whew, we're almost there".......wrong. oh so very wrong.
she points over to a low fridge cabinet where they have a bunch of items like jamaican patties and jello and yogurt drinks that nobody ever buys and...low and behold...wrapped sandwitches. you know the kind, the ones that were made in the middle of the night for some crackhead who didn't have any money and had to settle for rooting in the garbage outside the front of the store at like 4:00am that morning after partying at a boozecan listening to bad emo music.
i digress.
i give the fridge a sideways glance and without skipping a beat i said to her that if i wanted a prewrapped sandwitch from last night i would have reached in there and got one. i can feel one of my hands starting to clench. she comes out from behind the deli counter with my bun and grabs one of the cold, premade, packaged sandwitches (it is covered in sweat and i can't even verify if it is indeed salami like the label says) and forces it at me. "same same." that's all she said...just "same same". i started to laugh, partly out of not knowing what else to do and partly because it seemed genuinely comical to me on some level. i asked her if she was going to make me a sandwitch. i don't think she even heard me, as she started to raise her voice to match my elevated levels. "you take this, same."
i snap. i yell at her. "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME A SANDWITCH?" i pointed at the deli counter sign in a last vain attempt at logic "THEN WHY ARE YOU STANDING AT THE SANDWITCH COUNTER?"
i grab the plastic wrapped morsel and heave the fucker right back into the fridge where it lands with a loud THUD against oh so many other forgotten and at one time delectable odds and ends, rejects one and all - the absolute last stop before the dumpster out back the store. i can hear myself yelling now...."just forget about it! i don't want a sandwitch anymore, fuck sakes." i back away from the deli counter and turn for the front door, she's holding my bun aloft like some kind of talisman that wards off crazy customers and i bolt.
i get outside and quickly walk about 40 feet before what just happened begins to sink in. i am laughing loudly to myself passing other people in the street who bring their kids in under the wing a little closer in an effort to keep them out of harm's way - i must have been messed up lookin at this point. in my delierium, i had walked all the way down the block and ended up in front of - you guessed it - SUBWAY!!! finally some come-upance. i had fought the establishment and fucking won!! ooh yeah baby, it was pretty sweet! i pulled on the door and took a step inside where the smells of fresh bread wafted through the air and i smiled. smiled that is until i realized i was at least 23rd in line. the baseball game had just got out i guess and i was standing in a line that had me litteraly wedged up against the glass of the small franchise.
i panicked. i didn't know what to do. i cracked the door open to get a little fresh air as it was gettin hard to breathe with all these fuck-faces suckin up my air and the alarm bell went off that tells the staff some customer has just walked in. i think i yelled some more obscenities louder than i should have and left the premises without said sandwitch in tow. i ended up going back upstairs utterly defeated. thought to myself "serves you right, asshole...talkin to people like that..." cracked open a tomato soup and went back to studying shit that i hope i never need to use.
there's a lesson in there somewhere kids.....fucked if i know what it is, but i hope writing it has brought you a smile or two to hear about my trials and tribulations. it certainly makes me smile about it now.
stinky.