Bye, Ma.
Hello.
I'm only writing this all out because I know a handful of you would care, especially beloved ztrin who I just realised have been trying to contact me for the last couple of days. Sorry about that, I've been ignoring my handphone. Anyway, I need something to do to pass the time until K gets off work and gets here. I'm not sure how many of you are aware of the really bad relationship I had with my mother, but she passed away this past Monday.
I'll just tell this chronologically, because that's the easiest way I guess.
Thursday, my mother was sent back home from the hospital in an ambulance, complete with the oxygen machine and all. She really wasn't well enough to be home, but she hated being in the hospital. Which is understandable, because hospitals scare the shit out of me and she had been isolated because of the whole SARS thing. She was in the hospital for about 2-3 weeks without any company at all. No vistors allowed in hospitals- again, thanks to SARS. Thursday was a really tough day for all of us, because it was terrible to see her like...like how she was. She was so skinny, like the Jewish pows in WW2, and she could do nothing for herself. When I massaged her aching shoulders, I kept thinking that I was hurting her because all I felt was bone. My sisters and I had to bathe her and feed her this oats-like thing and change her diapers and all. It wouldn't be so bad, really, if she hadn't said stuff like [in malay, for some reason], "Child, I'm sorry but can you sit me up? I feel so tired. I'm sorry, child, I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but I'm really tired. Thank you, please forgive me, I'm sorry."
Friday, I had to go back to work. Office work is the stupidest work ever, by the way. I left the office after lunch because they told me I had to get a scan and make sure that I do not have tuberculosis (which was what my mum died of). My job is shite, I don't really want to go into it yet but it's just enough to say that this bigshot in the office has been making my life miserable enough for me to wish that I had tuberculosis rather than go back to work and face him. I called my father and he told me that my mother got sent back to the hospital because she was "too tired". I thought this was a good thing, because we were all really incapable of taking care of her. I'm not really a gentle person, you know, so. Yeah.
I can't remember what the hell happened on Saturday.
Sunday, my father woke me up in the morning to tell me that my mother was on life support. ICU. The doctor said she wouldn't have 24 hours to live. My sisters started crying. I was fine all the way to the hospital, until I actually saw her hooked up to the machine. Before we went in, my father told us not to cry, to talk to her even if she could'nt respond, to tell her to hang on and fight, that we were all waiting for her to come home. My younger sister burst into tears, predictably. I wanted to cry, but I just gritted my teeth. I remember shaking hell of a lot. I said stupid stuff to her, like how I was sorry, I hope you're not in pain, I'm really sorry. In my mind, I was going "Bye, Ma" as I kissed her. I remember feeling so stupid because I couldn't even kiss her properly, I had to kiss her through the mask that everyone has to wear. You know, because of SARS. My mother looked...I couldn't recognise her. Her mouth was shapeless and rubbery-looking, and her eyes were barely open. Pus in her eyes. Her feet was cold and hard. I just kept quiet and made my way to the lift. I bawled like a fucker in the lift, but by the time the lift door opened, I made myself stop. I didn't really want my sisters to see me cry. So yeah, my sisters cried a whole damn lot. They went home after that, so I stayed at the hospital with my father. He fell asleep, then he went to send my aunt home. K came to the hospital, and then he sent me home. I didn't sleep much.
Monday, my sister woke me up, crying. It was very much like the scene in Dead Poets Society where Charlie's eyes were all red and splotchy when he woke Todd up and told him Neil was dead. Only my sister was worse, of course. So we cleaned up the house super quick and I was so frustrated because my relatives started coming into our house "to help". The majority of my relatives are Muslims, by the way, and as a rule, I hate old Muslim people. Especially women. My mum was to be cleansed and buried the Muslim way, which requires her children of the same sex to clean the body and stuff. And I did that. They needed someone who wouldn't burst into tears or faint at the sight of the corpse, so yeah. My two sisters were fucking terrified of my mother's body, and all they knew how to do was cry anyway, so I did all that. It took about one and a half hour to clean the body. I wasn't scared or disgusted or anything, I just felt really really sad. There was some blood, which was when I started feeling like I couldn't breathe, but that was because there were some punctures in her body due to the drips and stuff. That was the only hard part, I guess. I have a phobia of blood. But the rest of it went all right. It was just very tiring and sad and hot and the whole time I was talking to her in my head. I must have looked demented, because at some point I was smiling fondly at my mother because I told her I would miss your screaming, Ma, and look at you now. Then I kept thinking about how people used to tell me that I look like my mother, so it was like "Oh, okay, my corpse will look like that when I'm dead, too." I don't really know why I think these things.
After that, we placed the body in the living room so everyone could say farewell to her. There was this thing where you sprinkle flowers over her head in a circle and kiss her forehead, so everyone did that. We kinda had to stall for my uncle (my sister's brother) who was late because he had a dialysis appointment earlier. (He has kidney failure.) I felt so sorry for him, because he was swaying and crying and you know, he's this gruff old man who's like, so tough. Seeing him like that was pretty bad, and I always have a soft spot for brother-sister stuff because you know, I've always wanted a brother. So yeah, that was pretty bad. I patted him, and he was blinking through his tears and saying stuff like "I don't have a sister anymore..." God, I don't know how I managed not to burst into tears right there and then, but I didn't. Too many people watching. Then the men started praying for my mother, and K joined in because he's Muslim, you know, so I felt touched. K's a really good boyfriend. So yeah, then they went on to bring the body to be buried, and I didn't follow because my legs were weak and trembling from cleaning her body just now. So I sat outside the house with K, Man, and Anand. Classmates from school. That was really comforting, having them there. Because I hate my relatives, and my elder sister went to the cemetery along with everyone else, so I had to do everything! My super annoying aunt made me wash the sheets that were used to clean my mother's body (by hand), then she demanded that I should make drinks for everyone because they were thirsty, and this and that. She was kinda just bossing me around when anyone with half a brain would know to leave me alone because 1) my mother just died, hello? and 2 ) i'm fucking tired, hello? and 3) what the fuck, i'm 18? i'm just a kid? i can't do everything by myself?
So yeah. I hate that fucking aunt. She's a fucking gossip and she keeps rubbing it into my face that she's paying for the funeral and burial and everything. You see, we're broker than broke now, my family. My mother's hospital bills cleaned us all out, I think we still owe the hospital money. And like, when mother came home for that one day, my father had to borrow 500 bucks from this stupid aunt for the oxygen machine thing. And now she's forking out like 800 bucks for the death stuff. So yeah, I know we owe her money. And I'm grateful and all, but never in my life have I felt so lousy about the fact that I'm poor. Never. >:0 I HATE HER SO MUCH ARGH ARGH ARGH MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT ME. ARGH. I HATE HER ARGH CUNT DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Well. So yeah, Monday just about killed me, but for the later part of the day I had people accompanying me. K, the boys, my girlbestfriend. I didn' really have time to think about what I felt about my mother's death, so yeah, I went to sleep pretty tired. I thought that I smellled my mum right before I went to sleep, but that could just be my stupid imagination.
Tuesday, my relatives came around again and bossed me around and shit. You would think they would be more sympathetic towards me, I mean, considering that oh I don't know, that I just lost my mother? I had to tolerate my uncle lecturing me about how I'm not a good Muslim girl and then I had to face some more crap about how I'm poor, so I cannot expect this and that anymore. And I'm like, dude, wtf, I know I'm poor! What's with you guys! It's not like I go around burning fifty dollar bills or anything! I mean, like wtf, where were you guys when times were really bad and I didn't eat anything for 3 days? I know how to suck it up and take it, man. Fucking assholes. But yeah, they left in a huff because my two sisters got into an argument and kinda made a scene, so I bet my relatives hate us now more than >:D< It's just so like my sisters to start arguing right when people are fucking praying in the living room, oh yeah. They rule.
K and AL came over to keep me company at the end of the day. AL IS THE BESTEST BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD. I lost the ring that AL gave me a few months back. He has an identical one and like, he tried to do the whole "let's pretend my ring is really Puck's ring and put it on her table so she'll think she has found her ring so she won't be sad that she lost her ring" thing, which is the sweetest thing ever but didn't quite work because I caught on pretty quick. Haha, it is because AL's ring is in better condition than mine- shinier and no scratches. So like, duh. But yeah, that was really sweet of him. Someone stole my ring during the funeral, can you believe it? Fucking jerks.
Wednesday, which is today, more of the same crap I went through on Tuesday. I woke up and completely forgot that my mother was dead, so I kinda started tearing up when I walked out into the kitchen and realised that she wasn't there. Then I remembered stupid shit like how my mother used to tie my hair up in two braids real neat, and then I made my elder sister braid my hair. Her braiding is mediocre, messy and stuff. Thought about things like there would only be one birthday in August in the family now- my mum's birthday was on 14 August. I don't know, I think I'm kinda dealing with the whole death thing but then again, I haven't really had the time to really sort out my feelings. I've been mostly just like, blanking myself out. I mean, my mum hated me and stuff when she was alive. Abusive, physically and verbally. She didn't love me, or if she did, then she loved me least out of all of us. Which really doesn't feel good, because I feel that I'm the one who did the most for her. I mean, since the beginning of the year, my sisters left the house in a huff because they had a stupid argument with my mum. They didn't care when she was sick and missing them, when she cried in the morning and asked for my younger sister. I was the one who stayed, who kept my mum company, who tolerated her BS and shouting and screaming. In death, I was the one who cleaned her body, went through all the Muslim rituals shite, did some prayers stuff for her even though you know, I don't really believe in Islam stuff. I just thought I'd do it for her sake, I don't know. Then I remembered the only time my mother asked me for a kiss- I was so startled and touched (that she actually wanted me to kiss her? Me?) that I gave her a kiss on the cheek, left for school, and cried all the way in the bus. This only happened last year. I don't know, I guess I'm just hurt and sad (I don't think sad is the appropriate word. I need a word stronger than 'sad' but 'depressed' just doesn't quite cut it) that my mother didn't really love me, and I just want to know why, I mean, I'm not that bad a kid. And now you know, she's gone, and I'll never know. I kinda miss her, which is so pathetic because I miss things like how she'll never hit me or scream at me when I didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Anyway.
K came over after work and played with me and my niece. I'm keeping this guy, man. Tomorrow, I'm going to the cemetery and pay my mother a visit. I already know I'm going to do everything I can not to cry, so I think I'll just look like a dork staring at her tombstone and wondering what to say. Generally, I'm still kinda mixed up about the whole thing. And my migraine's back. I'm the only one who dares to walk around in my mum's bedroom and toilet, did I tell you that? Everyone else in this family is a fucking wimp.
So yeah, if you've been wondering why the hell I haven't been around, it was a culmination of these: school (o school! you kicked my arse but good), my mother being in hospital, work, my mother dying and various other disappointments. I'm not sure if I'll continue this LJ business anymore, nobody cares anyway, so this might be my last post, really. This post is so fucking long, I'm sorry guys. Anyway, I'll keep this LJ just to read up on friends' pages, because lurking is what I do best.
So, you know, if I never come back, well. Goodbye, folks. <3
I'm only writing this all out because I know a handful of you would care, especially beloved ztrin who I just realised have been trying to contact me for the last couple of days. Sorry about that, I've been ignoring my handphone. Anyway, I need something to do to pass the time until K gets off work and gets here. I'm not sure how many of you are aware of the really bad relationship I had with my mother, but she passed away this past Monday.
I'll just tell this chronologically, because that's the easiest way I guess.
Thursday, my mother was sent back home from the hospital in an ambulance, complete with the oxygen machine and all. She really wasn't well enough to be home, but she hated being in the hospital. Which is understandable, because hospitals scare the shit out of me and she had been isolated because of the whole SARS thing. She was in the hospital for about 2-3 weeks without any company at all. No vistors allowed in hospitals- again, thanks to SARS. Thursday was a really tough day for all of us, because it was terrible to see her like...like how she was. She was so skinny, like the Jewish pows in WW2, and she could do nothing for herself. When I massaged her aching shoulders, I kept thinking that I was hurting her because all I felt was bone. My sisters and I had to bathe her and feed her this oats-like thing and change her diapers and all. It wouldn't be so bad, really, if she hadn't said stuff like [in malay, for some reason], "Child, I'm sorry but can you sit me up? I feel so tired. I'm sorry, child, I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but I'm really tired. Thank you, please forgive me, I'm sorry."
Friday, I had to go back to work. Office work is the stupidest work ever, by the way. I left the office after lunch because they told me I had to get a scan and make sure that I do not have tuberculosis (which was what my mum died of). My job is shite, I don't really want to go into it yet but it's just enough to say that this bigshot in the office has been making my life miserable enough for me to wish that I had tuberculosis rather than go back to work and face him. I called my father and he told me that my mother got sent back to the hospital because she was "too tired". I thought this was a good thing, because we were all really incapable of taking care of her. I'm not really a gentle person, you know, so. Yeah.
I can't remember what the hell happened on Saturday.
Sunday, my father woke me up in the morning to tell me that my mother was on life support. ICU. The doctor said she wouldn't have 24 hours to live. My sisters started crying. I was fine all the way to the hospital, until I actually saw her hooked up to the machine. Before we went in, my father told us not to cry, to talk to her even if she could'nt respond, to tell her to hang on and fight, that we were all waiting for her to come home. My younger sister burst into tears, predictably. I wanted to cry, but I just gritted my teeth. I remember shaking hell of a lot. I said stupid stuff to her, like how I was sorry, I hope you're not in pain, I'm really sorry. In my mind, I was going "Bye, Ma" as I kissed her. I remember feeling so stupid because I couldn't even kiss her properly, I had to kiss her through the mask that everyone has to wear. You know, because of SARS. My mother looked...I couldn't recognise her. Her mouth was shapeless and rubbery-looking, and her eyes were barely open. Pus in her eyes. Her feet was cold and hard. I just kept quiet and made my way to the lift. I bawled like a fucker in the lift, but by the time the lift door opened, I made myself stop. I didn't really want my sisters to see me cry. So yeah, my sisters cried a whole damn lot. They went home after that, so I stayed at the hospital with my father. He fell asleep, then he went to send my aunt home. K came to the hospital, and then he sent me home. I didn't sleep much.
Monday, my sister woke me up, crying. It was very much like the scene in Dead Poets Society where Charlie's eyes were all red and splotchy when he woke Todd up and told him Neil was dead. Only my sister was worse, of course. So we cleaned up the house super quick and I was so frustrated because my relatives started coming into our house "to help". The majority of my relatives are Muslims, by the way, and as a rule, I hate old Muslim people. Especially women. My mum was to be cleansed and buried the Muslim way, which requires her children of the same sex to clean the body and stuff. And I did that. They needed someone who wouldn't burst into tears or faint at the sight of the corpse, so yeah. My two sisters were fucking terrified of my mother's body, and all they knew how to do was cry anyway, so I did all that. It took about one and a half hour to clean the body. I wasn't scared or disgusted or anything, I just felt really really sad. There was some blood, which was when I started feeling like I couldn't breathe, but that was because there were some punctures in her body due to the drips and stuff. That was the only hard part, I guess. I have a phobia of blood. But the rest of it went all right. It was just very tiring and sad and hot and the whole time I was talking to her in my head. I must have looked demented, because at some point I was smiling fondly at my mother because I told her I would miss your screaming, Ma, and look at you now. Then I kept thinking about how people used to tell me that I look like my mother, so it was like "Oh, okay, my corpse will look like that when I'm dead, too." I don't really know why I think these things.
After that, we placed the body in the living room so everyone could say farewell to her. There was this thing where you sprinkle flowers over her head in a circle and kiss her forehead, so everyone did that. We kinda had to stall for my uncle (my sister's brother) who was late because he had a dialysis appointment earlier. (He has kidney failure.) I felt so sorry for him, because he was swaying and crying and you know, he's this gruff old man who's like, so tough. Seeing him like that was pretty bad, and I always have a soft spot for brother-sister stuff because you know, I've always wanted a brother. So yeah, that was pretty bad. I patted him, and he was blinking through his tears and saying stuff like "I don't have a sister anymore..." God, I don't know how I managed not to burst into tears right there and then, but I didn't. Too many people watching. Then the men started praying for my mother, and K joined in because he's Muslim, you know, so I felt touched. K's a really good boyfriend. So yeah, then they went on to bring the body to be buried, and I didn't follow because my legs were weak and trembling from cleaning her body just now. So I sat outside the house with K, Man, and Anand. Classmates from school. That was really comforting, having them there. Because I hate my relatives, and my elder sister went to the cemetery along with everyone else, so I had to do everything! My super annoying aunt made me wash the sheets that were used to clean my mother's body (by hand), then she demanded that I should make drinks for everyone because they were thirsty, and this and that. She was kinda just bossing me around when anyone with half a brain would know to leave me alone because 1) my mother just died, hello? and 2 ) i'm fucking tired, hello? and 3) what the fuck, i'm 18? i'm just a kid? i can't do everything by myself?
So yeah. I hate that fucking aunt. She's a fucking gossip and she keeps rubbing it into my face that she's paying for the funeral and burial and everything. You see, we're broker than broke now, my family. My mother's hospital bills cleaned us all out, I think we still owe the hospital money. And like, when mother came home for that one day, my father had to borrow 500 bucks from this stupid aunt for the oxygen machine thing. And now she's forking out like 800 bucks for the death stuff. So yeah, I know we owe her money. And I'm grateful and all, but never in my life have I felt so lousy about the fact that I'm poor. Never. >:0 I HATE HER SO MUCH ARGH ARGH ARGH MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT ME. ARGH. I HATE HER ARGH CUNT DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Well. So yeah, Monday just about killed me, but for the later part of the day I had people accompanying me. K, the boys, my girlbestfriend. I didn' really have time to think about what I felt about my mother's death, so yeah, I went to sleep pretty tired. I thought that I smellled my mum right before I went to sleep, but that could just be my stupid imagination.
Tuesday, my relatives came around again and bossed me around and shit. You would think they would be more sympathetic towards me, I mean, considering that oh I don't know, that I just lost my mother? I had to tolerate my uncle lecturing me about how I'm not a good Muslim girl and then I had to face some more crap about how I'm poor, so I cannot expect this and that anymore. And I'm like, dude, wtf, I know I'm poor! What's with you guys! It's not like I go around burning fifty dollar bills or anything! I mean, like wtf, where were you guys when times were really bad and I didn't eat anything for 3 days? I know how to suck it up and take it, man. Fucking assholes. But yeah, they left in a huff because my two sisters got into an argument and kinda made a scene, so I bet my relatives hate us now more than >:D< It's just so like my sisters to start arguing right when people are fucking praying in the living room, oh yeah. They rule.
K and AL came over to keep me company at the end of the day. AL IS THE BESTEST BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD. I lost the ring that AL gave me a few months back. He has an identical one and like, he tried to do the whole "let's pretend my ring is really Puck's ring and put it on her table so she'll think she has found her ring so she won't be sad that she lost her ring" thing, which is the sweetest thing ever but didn't quite work because I caught on pretty quick. Haha, it is because AL's ring is in better condition than mine- shinier and no scratches. So like, duh. But yeah, that was really sweet of him. Someone stole my ring during the funeral, can you believe it? Fucking jerks.
Wednesday, which is today, more of the same crap I went through on Tuesday. I woke up and completely forgot that my mother was dead, so I kinda started tearing up when I walked out into the kitchen and realised that she wasn't there. Then I remembered stupid shit like how my mother used to tie my hair up in two braids real neat, and then I made my elder sister braid my hair. Her braiding is mediocre, messy and stuff. Thought about things like there would only be one birthday in August in the family now- my mum's birthday was on 14 August. I don't know, I think I'm kinda dealing with the whole death thing but then again, I haven't really had the time to really sort out my feelings. I've been mostly just like, blanking myself out. I mean, my mum hated me and stuff when she was alive. Abusive, physically and verbally. She didn't love me, or if she did, then she loved me least out of all of us. Which really doesn't feel good, because I feel that I'm the one who did the most for her. I mean, since the beginning of the year, my sisters left the house in a huff because they had a stupid argument with my mum. They didn't care when she was sick and missing them, when she cried in the morning and asked for my younger sister. I was the one who stayed, who kept my mum company, who tolerated her BS and shouting and screaming. In death, I was the one who cleaned her body, went through all the Muslim rituals shite, did some prayers stuff for her even though you know, I don't really believe in Islam stuff. I just thought I'd do it for her sake, I don't know. Then I remembered the only time my mother asked me for a kiss- I was so startled and touched (that she actually wanted me to kiss her? Me?) that I gave her a kiss on the cheek, left for school, and cried all the way in the bus. This only happened last year. I don't know, I guess I'm just hurt and sad (I don't think sad is the appropriate word. I need a word stronger than 'sad' but 'depressed' just doesn't quite cut it) that my mother didn't really love me, and I just want to know why, I mean, I'm not that bad a kid. And now you know, she's gone, and I'll never know. I kinda miss her, which is so pathetic because I miss things like how she'll never hit me or scream at me when I didn't do anything wrong in the first place. Anyway.
K came over after work and played with me and my niece. I'm keeping this guy, man. Tomorrow, I'm going to the cemetery and pay my mother a visit. I already know I'm going to do everything I can not to cry, so I think I'll just look like a dork staring at her tombstone and wondering what to say. Generally, I'm still kinda mixed up about the whole thing. And my migraine's back. I'm the only one who dares to walk around in my mum's bedroom and toilet, did I tell you that? Everyone else in this family is a fucking wimp.
So yeah, if you've been wondering why the hell I haven't been around, it was a culmination of these: school (o school! you kicked my arse but good), my mother being in hospital, work, my mother dying and various other disappointments. I'm not sure if I'll continue this LJ business anymore, nobody cares anyway, so this might be my last post, really. This post is so fucking long, I'm sorry guys. Anyway, I'll keep this LJ just to read up on friends' pages, because lurking is what I do best.
So, you know, if I never come back, well. Goodbye, folks. <3