What to do
What to do when life gets you down. I know that when life hands you lemons make lemon-aid, but what am i going to do when life hands me shit.....MAKE SHIT-AID!!! This liveing situation is bull shit. I have been dealing with the same fucking shit for 2 years. I'm tired of it. I have never been one to just give up, and i realy dont want to. I love portland. And i love my girlfriend. And giveing up means leaveing them both. But more and more every day i want to just take a couple hundred bucks and a bag o' stuff and start walking. I dont care where to or in what direction just walk. Walk away from it all. Give up. Fuck it! But I'm bound by a self placed, and self inforced code of honor that wont let me. I try to keep a smile on my face. To be happy to work for the things i want in life. It's just that every time i start to get something that i want it falls away from me. Whats next, my job, my friends, Nikki? An old friend of mine once told me that when life gets tough, I have to get tougher. But i dont know how much tougher i can get. I'm tired of not haveing a place to say, im tired of not knowing where im going to stay the next day, im tired of everyone wanting me to solve there problems when i cant even solve my own. Im tired of Jenny trying to get me to play match maker, Im tired of putting on a happy face for people when I want to just let loose AND KILL THEM!!! Im tired of people useing me as a pre-paid ciggeret machine. Im tired of Lex being two-faced with me, saying one thing and meaning another. Im tired of Ed doing to much fucking drugs. Im tired of everyone at work thinking im perfect and have all the awnsers. I HAVE ONLY HAD THE SAME FUCKING TRAINING AS YOU GUYS, FUCKING STOP ASKING ME AND LET ME WORK!!! Im tired of going out of my way to appear to be happy all the time when most of the time i just want to kill someone or myself. And Im tired of Niks ignoring me, the one person that said they would be there for me isn't. Most of the time she is, but there are times when i just want to be held. Not hold her just be held. There are times when i just want to see her or go out of my way to see her and i get half assed attention. And i say its ok, because its MY head thats being stupid. And it IS ok, it IS just my head. I just want to sleep, i want to sleep and wake up with all my dreams come true, or not wake up at all. Fuck you life! Im not going to give up, you have to earn this kill. But thats ok, tomarow is a new day, and another chance.
Fuck you life, just fuck you!
Fuck you life, just fuck you!