why....been a while
so here I am....after trying SO hard to make myself drift off into the relaxing land that is sleep, and failing. I realized that I haven't updated this bad boy in a while. So here I am, partly from boredom, partly from thinking that maybe writing all the lame crap that is my life down will help me to relax and enable me to actually get a good night's sleep for once.
The past couple of months have been, well, shit-tastic, to say the least. I thought that things were looking up, I mean I thought that I wouldn't end up feeling like shit, still. Its been a LONG, lonely year for me, and spending all of these would-be-happy moments alone makes me stop and think about what a bitch of a life I've got going here.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of my friends, they really do mean SO much for me, and they do make me happy. But there's just something missing, that I'm ready to have again. I wish that I could be one of those girls that honestly didn't need that. But, when I'm ready for it, I miss having someone special around.
I know those of you who have been hearing me BITCH for about a month about this are really getting tired of hearing me complain, but I CAN'T seem to shake this.
It could very well be a combination of everything that's happened so far for me. I mean when you look at it being alone should really be the least of my problems, yet here I am, its sad that I can't get rid of this longing. AH! I really wish that I could snap my fingers and just BE HAPPY.
I know that I'm probably making this harder on myself than it should be, I'm probably blowing this WHOLE thing out of the water...but I can't help but feel that I'm missing out and I have NO way to change that. I've tried it all, I thought there a few times that I had something, someone, but I was wrong. It hurts SO much realizing what you need and being powerless to obtain that.
I see all of my friends who are happy, with someone and happy and I can't help but feel envious. I'm REALLY excited for you guys, don't get me wrong, but I just sit here and think "why can't that be me?" "what am I doing wrong that I can't find someone?" I know that I shouldn't be thinking that this situations is my fault, but when you're left to think about it, that's the FIRST thing that comes to mind, I MUST BE SCREWING UP SOMEWHERE. Seriously, did all of you get a handbook or something and mine got lost in the mail? When's it going to be my turn to have someone who looks at me like I've seen your someones look at you?
The past couple of months have been, well, shit-tastic, to say the least. I thought that things were looking up, I mean I thought that I wouldn't end up feeling like shit, still. Its been a LONG, lonely year for me, and spending all of these would-be-happy moments alone makes me stop and think about what a bitch of a life I've got going here.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of my friends, they really do mean SO much for me, and they do make me happy. But there's just something missing, that I'm ready to have again. I wish that I could be one of those girls that honestly didn't need that. But, when I'm ready for it, I miss having someone special around.
I know those of you who have been hearing me BITCH for about a month about this are really getting tired of hearing me complain, but I CAN'T seem to shake this.
It could very well be a combination of everything that's happened so far for me. I mean when you look at it being alone should really be the least of my problems, yet here I am, its sad that I can't get rid of this longing. AH! I really wish that I could snap my fingers and just BE HAPPY.
I know that I'm probably making this harder on myself than it should be, I'm probably blowing this WHOLE thing out of the water...but I can't help but feel that I'm missing out and I have NO way to change that. I've tried it all, I thought there a few times that I had something, someone, but I was wrong. It hurts SO much realizing what you need and being powerless to obtain that.
I see all of my friends who are happy, with someone and happy and I can't help but feel envious. I'm REALLY excited for you guys, don't get me wrong, but I just sit here and think "why can't that be me?" "what am I doing wrong that I can't find someone?" I know that I shouldn't be thinking that this situations is my fault, but when you're left to think about it, that's the FIRST thing that comes to mind, I MUST BE SCREWING UP SOMEWHERE. Seriously, did all of you get a handbook or something and mine got lost in the mail? When's it going to be my turn to have someone who looks at me like I've seen your someones look at you?