[oneshot] Lovedrunk or Hungover?
Title: Lovedrunk or hungover?
Author: puchu_pucha
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: 15
Genre: Angst, slight smut
Length: oneshot
Disclaimer: Their way and my way are parallel
Summary: As time passes by, everything along with everyone needs to grow up.
A/N: This is my first time writing a fic in English. Hope that it isn’t a fail. Plz comment to help me improve my poor writing *blush*
Heechul was playing with a glass of wine when thunder suddenly roared and it started to rain. He still let the window doors open, he felt the need to be cooled down by the cold wind and also the raindrops. Hankyung has just called, saying he couldn’t come to his place because he had business to do. Heechul knew exactly what kind of business. It was being with his wife and his little kid, pretending (or not) to be a perfect husband and a caring father. However, it still meant he had to stay at home. His own home.
Heechul’s house has never been a real home for Hankyung. He understood, completely understood. By the way, in Heechul’s mind, Hankyung was still the owner of his place.
The sound of the thunder made Heechul started, pulling him back to the reality. He was alone in their, or his, room, staring off into a distance; but the only thing he could see was the dark space with the only sound of raindrops falling down the roofs. Now he was totally been cooled down, maybe too much that he started feeling cold and he hated that feeling. He decided to have a shot of wine. The scent of cognac was so intense but he loved it. It was the scent of passion, lust, thrist and longing. It was the scent of Hankyung. It was the scent of their love.
Heechul felt the urge to rush to Hankyung’s beautiful house to husbandnap or dadnap him but he dare not to. He wanted to make a call but ended up texting him. It was so heart broken to hear Hankyung voice. The message was “Congratulation on your photographic exhibition this morning”, but it was sent without the last three words which Heechul has typed in his heart instead - “I love you”
He could not cause any suspicion. As long as Hankyung was settle, their love still existed. It was a wrong relationship; thus every change, even an itty bitty one, would damage it badly.
He turned off the phone without waiting for Hankyung’s reply. He stared into the glass in his hand only to see a very vague reflection of his teary eyes.
Suddenly, those time they have been together came back to his mind just like a slow motion video.
--------------------------
They met 2 years ago in an uncomfortable situation in which Heechul claimed that Hankyung was a sneaky bastard.
“Are you secretly taking photos of me? What are you up to? Are you a fucking detective hired by some fucking bitches who stupidly accuse that I’m trying to flirt their fucking lovers? Or are you a kidnapper?”
Heechul bombarded the dumbfounded Hankyung with questions, or accusation, without letting him any chances to explain himself. Hankyung was just able to talk, actually it was more like a scream, when Heechul rudely snatched the camera out of his hands, “Oh no please don’t touch it. If you break it, I will…”
“You will what?” Heechul raised his voice and gave Hankyung a defiant stare.
“I didn’t mean that…Just please let me explain it”
The sincere and pityful look in Hankyung’s eyes calmed him a bit so he kept silent as a sign of agreement.
“I’m Hankyung. I’m a photographer. I have been going around to take photos for weeks for my next exhibiton…”
“Make it brief!”
“Oh…Ah…When I was taking photos of the park, you passed by and you looked so beautiful with the scene so I decided to…” Hankyung blushed saying those words, and blushed more when he caught a smirk was going to form on Heechul’s lips.
“Stupid regular excusion!” However, Heechul found himself grinning inside.
“So all the photos are in this camera? Since you are the one to blame here, and I’m still suspicious of you, I need to look at the photos to confirm whether you are a photographer” Heechul gave the camera back but still held the string attached to the camera in case Hankyung would run away.
Heechul had to admit that Hankyung was unquestionably a professional photographer. Those photos were extraordinarily artistic. He unintentionally slipped out a “woahhh…” sound.
“I’m so photogenic!” Heechul said with pride. Hankyung was able to captured a quicksilver moment when he accidentally turned his head to the camera direction with his velvety hair flying and his pretty face dyed with the golden light. He may usually be overconfident but this time he was not biased to praise the photo as an really impressive one.
Hankyung chuckled a little then lifted his head to face Heechul. He smiled at him and tenderly look him in the eyes.
“You know what? Seeing you up close, you are far more beautiful than the one in the photos”
Heechul found himself shifting slightly and his cheeks slowly turned pink by Hankyung soft manners and his soothing sweet voice.
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Heechul didn’t remember exactly when and how they got together. He just remembered that one day, a day after Hankyung’s two week trip to Europe ended and they met in a park, he couldn’t help but kiss Hankyung senseless and said “I love you” nonstop between those passionate and longing kisses.
Hankyung pushed Heechul down the couch and roughly kissed him. His hand stayed on Heechul’s face for a while before started caressing his hair and ran over his body. Heechul could hardly breath since Hankyung kept deepening the kiss with his tounge playing around. His mind was full of emotions mixed together that it seemed like all the clouds in the sky was covering his eyes. He could feel his heart beating crazily as if it wanted to explode his chest and his blood was being boiled. He wrapped Hankyung’s back, pulling him closer until their chest could met. Hankyung slipped one hand into Heechul’s shirt, stroking his tummy before reached to his chest and started playing with his nipples, which made Heechul moaned softly. While his hand was busy exploring his lover’s smooth skin, Hankyung trailed the kisses down to the half wet neck, tasting the pleasant salty flavour. His other hand was unbuttoning Heechul’s red shirt when his phone suddenly rang.
Hankyung frowned because of the disturbance but he decided to ignore it and kept rubbing up and down Heechul’s body. However, Heechul pulled him away, telling him to answer it since it was annoying Heechul as well as their moment.
“Hello?! Ah is that you honey?” Hankyung slightly glared at Heechul who has actually shifted a little on the couch.
“Hmmm…I have work to do so tonight I’ll stay at my colleague’s apartment. I’ll go home before breakfast so don’t worry. Is Yeongna still awaking?”
Heechul kept his gaze on Hankyung’s face. He couldn’t help but start feeling so damn low, and bitterness was slowly growing inside him and it reached its max when it turned into tears flowing down his cheeks.
“Okay. I’ll be careful. I love you and Yeongna”
Heechul hurrily wiped his eyes right before Hankyung turned back to look at him. Noticing Heechul’s sad expression, he leaned forward to cupped his face and asked worrily.
“What’s wrong baby? You looked so desolate!”
He shoke his head then hardly tugged Hankyung to give him a kiss, preventing him from asking any further details. Hankyung was surprised at Heechul’s sudden move but then he smiled and passionately responded. He bit Heechul’s lower lip to make him open his mouth and he followed immediately. Their tongues kept playing around when Hankyung’s hands left Heechul’s upper part to reach down his crotch.
Heechul arched his back when Hankyung suddenly put his member into his mouth and start pumping it up and down in a rapid rthym. He felt like screaming as Hankyung bit the head of his erection. He then slowly licked around it which made it tingled a bit as well as provided him endless waves of pleasant feelings.Lust was about to blow himself so he interruptedly demanded Hankyung to go inside him. Hankyung smiled a bit then crawled on his body, didn’t forget to place his kisses along Heechul’s slim firgue.
He leaned his head to the side, eyes half opened just to caught a glimpse of Hankyung’s phone placed on the table near them. As soon as that phone appeared bounce in front of his eyes, his blood rushed straight down along with his body being unconciously stiff. He looked back to stare at his lover, didn’t realize that he had stopped moaning and gasping eventhough Hankyung was still ramming longingly into him with his hard cock. He felt like crying watching Hankyung’s skillful mouth, which has just said several caring and loving words to another woman, pleasing him now with his repetitive words “I love you”
People shoud throw rubbish into him, calling him a two-dollar bitch. He felt sinful, guilty and disgraceful at the same time. He also felt the loneliness and pain started sneaking into his heart. He panickingly reached for Hankyung’s hand and squezzed it, which caused a pause in his working to lift his head and glared at Heechul questioningly. Heechul did nothing but to wipe Hankyung perspiration beads on his face. Hankyung looked so damn handsome and attractive right now. It was no doubt that Heechul has fallen so hard.
He loved this man to distraction. Hankyung has pushed him to the edge. All the boundaries Heechul had built up were collapsed. He realized that he had crossed many many lines.
It was still raining heavily outside. Inside, Heechul kept drinking more and more. Somehow, he couln’t taste the strong scent of the alcohol but an insipid one. Sleepiness started pulling down his eyelids.
“Damn it! I’ll have a terrible time waking up the next morning” Heechul softly said before completely fell asleep.
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Three weeks later, Heechul was alone again in his room when he got a phone call from Eeteuk. They haven’t seen each other for about three years. Eeteuk went to live in a village in the countryside with his boyfriend Kangin, planning to open up a farm to grow flowers and plants. They kept contact through the phone, sometimes by emailing or writing letters. Heechul gladed that their friendship was still strong for all those years; thus he could tell Eeteuk everything, even his depressing relationship with Hankyung.
“Hello Heechul! Guess what? We are harvesting our first crop. The flowers are so beautiful. I bet we will earn a lot of money!!!” Eeteuk said loudly in an overexcited tone which made Heechul laughed his ass off.
“Okay Teukie. Calm down! You are going to crumb all the flowers in your hands”
“No I’m not. Kangin is the one in charge of picking them, I’m in charge of directing him the best way to collect them”
“You are turning our aggressive Kangin into a gentle one, aren’t you? It’s not cool seeing him like that. You are destroying his masculinity!” Heechul accused with a teasing voice.
“You are so annoying Heechul. One day I’ll cut your evil tongue. By the way…” Eeteuk’s voice suddenly became soft and hesitant, which Heechul immediately detected and started to feel concerned.
“What’s wrong Teukie? Your voice seems worried”
“Listen Heechul. Am I your best friend?”
“Yes of course. But what’s the point of…”
“So you know I always want you to be happy and I can’t bear seeing you in pain” Eeteuk cut Heechul off, “Kangin and me has discussed and decided to invite you to come to our place…”
“That’s it? I’d love to come but why did you have to use such anxious voice?” Heechul laughed.
“…and never come back!” Eeteuk said with a firm tone. He could felt Heechul pause for a while and his breath fluctuated.
“But…why? I mean…why do you suddenly come up with that? I’m totally fine here!”
“No you are not. Believe me when I said so. You know what I mean right? You and your sneaky relationship with Hankyung would never…”
“…lead to a happy ending” Heechul finished Eeteuk’s statement although his voice was shaking a bit. He fell down the bed, staring to the white ceiling. The white color was bloodcurling, as white as his mind. Heechul found like he was running in a strange place covered with soft white clouds, not as beautiful like he has imagined. It was confused and cold at heart.
“Heechul ah, I know you love him so much but think about yourself too. Look at you in the mirror. I’m sure you will find a pale one staring back at you. You are nolonger a typical Kim Heechul I’ve known. I had laughed to death when you made joke but now I wanna cry everytime you call me at midnight and tell me some stupid joke with your uneasy tone of voice. You had usually hurt people with your sharp tongue but now I feel you being hurt. You had always been a smart one but now you seem dumb to me. What are more differences and destructions he has brought to you that you want me to point out?” He was really angry and all he wanted to do was rush to that bastard Hankyung to kill him for his best friend’s sake.
“Teukie ah…don’t talk like that about Hankyung. He is a good one, I know it…” Heechul was actually crying and sobbing.
“You know it?! Are you sure? Okay let’s say that he is but you have to admit that what I said was all true. Please be wise Heechul. You never ever have him. He is your life but you are just one chapter of many many chapters of his life. What if he get bored and turn to another page?”
Heechul was speechless. All he could say was “Okay Teukie. I’m very thankful that you are concerning about me. Just give me some times. I’ll answer you as soon as possible”
Eeteuk sighed. He was heartbroken hearing Heechul crying so badly.
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Hankyung was shocked at Heechul rude manners towards him, calling him a shameless jerk, throwing things onto him while cursing him and himself. He could tell Heechul was in a dangerous anger which was exploding immensely. He tried to calm Heechul down by hugging him but it made no results at all since Heechul kept hitting him, even bit him to get out of his arms. Hankyung tried to ask Heechul what was wrong with him, what had made him so annoyed but he just glared back at him piercingly. After a while, he reached his limit of patience too.
“Heechul stop it!!! You are so damn crazy! You are acting like a monster. You are not Heechul anymore!” Hankyung shouted at his lover just to caught a pair of hurting eyes.
“I have been out of myself for a long time since I met you. You are so fucking stupid for realizing it so lately. Oh yeah I know why, you have never actually cared about me. All you care is about your own needs, your own demands, your own reputation. How about my self-worth? How about my feelings? How about my self respect? Hankyung……how about me?” screamed Heechul.
Tears started falling down his cheeks like rain. His eyes has turned red and swollened. His voice was shaking terribly. He could see Hankyung looking at him with wide eyes and a surprised expression. However, he wonder if Hankyung had ever really seen through his broken soul inside which he always hid in front of him.
“Why did you say that? You know I love you and I’ll always by your side” Hankyung said, trying to reach for Heechul hands and pulling him closer to hug him tight.
Heechul felt so warm and protective in Hankyung’s arms that he never wanted to let go. He hugged him back and kept crying on his shouder. Hankyung tighten his hand on Heechul’s waist while the other hand was caressing his hair then he softly kissed his head. Unfortunately (or fortunately) what had just happened in the party dedicated to celebrate Hankyung’s lastest award popped up in Heechul’s mind: the happy face of his wife standing next to him, the innocent look in his 5 year old daughter’s eyes when he carried her in his arms, the speech in which he said that the most precious thing in his life was his loving family and the pityful him silently went out of that room with tears secretly overflowed.
Pulling away from Hankyung, Heechul looked directly in his beloved’s eyes. He had to make things clear this time. If he hesitate, he will never have a courage to say it eventhough his heart was being hurt to death.
“You love me but how much do you love me? Is it more than you love your family? Is it more than you love your work? Is it more than you love yourself? Can you sacrify all those things for me? We both understand that you do not and you cannot. Plus, do you count times that I needed you but you couldn’t run to me? I did and I’m sure the number will surprise you; it even surprised me too Hankyung.”
Hankyung felt hurt and guilt started growing inside him. He loved Heechul for sure but there were so many things that holds him back. He wanted to say something to reassure Heechul but he just couldn’t. All words and promisses are empty now, or maybe they have always been empty ever since they started this relationship.
“Are you going to break up with me Heechul?” Hankyung asked softly, dared not look at Heechul because he was so scared to see his face if the answer was yes.
“I still love you and I never want to let go of you. You need to remember it no matter what!” Heechul leaned towards to kiss him tenderly. He could felt Hankyung sighed with relief and he slightly smiled. Hankyung pulled Heechul closer to deepen the kiss. He said softly into Heechul’s ears, “Thank you so much. And I love you!”
The next night Hankyung visited Heechul’s house, he found nothing but the goodbye letter from his lover and the broken hearted him staring blanky into the couch where Heechul used to sit whenever he waited for him to come.
“………
…..I love you with all my heart and have been addicting to you for too long. However, I prefer being hungover to lovedrunk. Although it is an adverse effect, at least my mind can partly stay wise and I can look back and think of myself and my life. I have lost my real me for a very long time Hankyung ah. I want it back. Do you think I’m selfish?
You said I was your sunflower and I said you were my sun. People said sunflowers have to followed the sun but not everyone knows the fact that they just head to the sun direction when they are buds, when they are big they will stop that journey. I still need you and love you but not in a flower bud’s way anymore. As time pasess by, everything along with everyone needs to grow up.
………
I’m sorry my love…But it’s time for me to go….”
Hankyung fell down on the floor, feeling the great anguish, “Am I wrong to love you? The sun was supposed to bring life to its flower, not sorrow and pain right? I’m sorry…so sorry…Heechul ah…”
…
…
…
When he was about to take photo of the lake in the park which was now scintillating in the golden sunset light, a firgue passed by his lens. The moment that person turned to his direction with a graceful but effulgent beauty, he knew he has been caught.
END
Author: puchu_pucha
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: 15
Genre: Angst, slight smut
Length: oneshot
Disclaimer: Their way and my way are parallel
Summary: As time passes by, everything along with everyone needs to grow up.
A/N: This is my first time writing a fic in English. Hope that it isn’t a fail. Plz comment to help me improve my poor writing *blush*
Heechul was playing with a glass of wine when thunder suddenly roared and it started to rain. He still let the window doors open, he felt the need to be cooled down by the cold wind and also the raindrops. Hankyung has just called, saying he couldn’t come to his place because he had business to do. Heechul knew exactly what kind of business. It was being with his wife and his little kid, pretending (or not) to be a perfect husband and a caring father. However, it still meant he had to stay at home. His own home.
Heechul’s house has never been a real home for Hankyung. He understood, completely understood. By the way, in Heechul’s mind, Hankyung was still the owner of his place.
The sound of the thunder made Heechul started, pulling him back to the reality. He was alone in their, or his, room, staring off into a distance; but the only thing he could see was the dark space with the only sound of raindrops falling down the roofs. Now he was totally been cooled down, maybe too much that he started feeling cold and he hated that feeling. He decided to have a shot of wine. The scent of cognac was so intense but he loved it. It was the scent of passion, lust, thrist and longing. It was the scent of Hankyung. It was the scent of their love.
Heechul felt the urge to rush to Hankyung’s beautiful house to husbandnap or dadnap him but he dare not to. He wanted to make a call but ended up texting him. It was so heart broken to hear Hankyung voice. The message was “Congratulation on your photographic exhibition this morning”, but it was sent without the last three words which Heechul has typed in his heart instead - “I love you”
He could not cause any suspicion. As long as Hankyung was settle, their love still existed. It was a wrong relationship; thus every change, even an itty bitty one, would damage it badly.
He turned off the phone without waiting for Hankyung’s reply. He stared into the glass in his hand only to see a very vague reflection of his teary eyes.
Suddenly, those time they have been together came back to his mind just like a slow motion video.
--------------------------
They met 2 years ago in an uncomfortable situation in which Heechul claimed that Hankyung was a sneaky bastard.
“Are you secretly taking photos of me? What are you up to? Are you a fucking detective hired by some fucking bitches who stupidly accuse that I’m trying to flirt their fucking lovers? Or are you a kidnapper?”
Heechul bombarded the dumbfounded Hankyung with questions, or accusation, without letting him any chances to explain himself. Hankyung was just able to talk, actually it was more like a scream, when Heechul rudely snatched the camera out of his hands, “Oh no please don’t touch it. If you break it, I will…”
“You will what?” Heechul raised his voice and gave Hankyung a defiant stare.
“I didn’t mean that…Just please let me explain it”
The sincere and pityful look in Hankyung’s eyes calmed him a bit so he kept silent as a sign of agreement.
“I’m Hankyung. I’m a photographer. I have been going around to take photos for weeks for my next exhibiton…”
“Make it brief!”
“Oh…Ah…When I was taking photos of the park, you passed by and you looked so beautiful with the scene so I decided to…” Hankyung blushed saying those words, and blushed more when he caught a smirk was going to form on Heechul’s lips.
“Stupid regular excusion!” However, Heechul found himself grinning inside.
“So all the photos are in this camera? Since you are the one to blame here, and I’m still suspicious of you, I need to look at the photos to confirm whether you are a photographer” Heechul gave the camera back but still held the string attached to the camera in case Hankyung would run away.
Heechul had to admit that Hankyung was unquestionably a professional photographer. Those photos were extraordinarily artistic. He unintentionally slipped out a “woahhh…” sound.
“I’m so photogenic!” Heechul said with pride. Hankyung was able to captured a quicksilver moment when he accidentally turned his head to the camera direction with his velvety hair flying and his pretty face dyed with the golden light. He may usually be overconfident but this time he was not biased to praise the photo as an really impressive one.
Hankyung chuckled a little then lifted his head to face Heechul. He smiled at him and tenderly look him in the eyes.
“You know what? Seeing you up close, you are far more beautiful than the one in the photos”
Heechul found himself shifting slightly and his cheeks slowly turned pink by Hankyung soft manners and his soothing sweet voice.
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Heechul didn’t remember exactly when and how they got together. He just remembered that one day, a day after Hankyung’s two week trip to Europe ended and they met in a park, he couldn’t help but kiss Hankyung senseless and said “I love you” nonstop between those passionate and longing kisses.
Hankyung pushed Heechul down the couch and roughly kissed him. His hand stayed on Heechul’s face for a while before started caressing his hair and ran over his body. Heechul could hardly breath since Hankyung kept deepening the kiss with his tounge playing around. His mind was full of emotions mixed together that it seemed like all the clouds in the sky was covering his eyes. He could feel his heart beating crazily as if it wanted to explode his chest and his blood was being boiled. He wrapped Hankyung’s back, pulling him closer until their chest could met. Hankyung slipped one hand into Heechul’s shirt, stroking his tummy before reached to his chest and started playing with his nipples, which made Heechul moaned softly. While his hand was busy exploring his lover’s smooth skin, Hankyung trailed the kisses down to the half wet neck, tasting the pleasant salty flavour. His other hand was unbuttoning Heechul’s red shirt when his phone suddenly rang.
Hankyung frowned because of the disturbance but he decided to ignore it and kept rubbing up and down Heechul’s body. However, Heechul pulled him away, telling him to answer it since it was annoying Heechul as well as their moment.
“Hello?! Ah is that you honey?” Hankyung slightly glared at Heechul who has actually shifted a little on the couch.
“Hmmm…I have work to do so tonight I’ll stay at my colleague’s apartment. I’ll go home before breakfast so don’t worry. Is Yeongna still awaking?”
Heechul kept his gaze on Hankyung’s face. He couldn’t help but start feeling so damn low, and bitterness was slowly growing inside him and it reached its max when it turned into tears flowing down his cheeks.
“Okay. I’ll be careful. I love you and Yeongna”
Heechul hurrily wiped his eyes right before Hankyung turned back to look at him. Noticing Heechul’s sad expression, he leaned forward to cupped his face and asked worrily.
“What’s wrong baby? You looked so desolate!”
He shoke his head then hardly tugged Hankyung to give him a kiss, preventing him from asking any further details. Hankyung was surprised at Heechul’s sudden move but then he smiled and passionately responded. He bit Heechul’s lower lip to make him open his mouth and he followed immediately. Their tongues kept playing around when Hankyung’s hands left Heechul’s upper part to reach down his crotch.
Heechul arched his back when Hankyung suddenly put his member into his mouth and start pumping it up and down in a rapid rthym. He felt like screaming as Hankyung bit the head of his erection. He then slowly licked around it which made it tingled a bit as well as provided him endless waves of pleasant feelings.Lust was about to blow himself so he interruptedly demanded Hankyung to go inside him. Hankyung smiled a bit then crawled on his body, didn’t forget to place his kisses along Heechul’s slim firgue.
He leaned his head to the side, eyes half opened just to caught a glimpse of Hankyung’s phone placed on the table near them. As soon as that phone appeared bounce in front of his eyes, his blood rushed straight down along with his body being unconciously stiff. He looked back to stare at his lover, didn’t realize that he had stopped moaning and gasping eventhough Hankyung was still ramming longingly into him with his hard cock. He felt like crying watching Hankyung’s skillful mouth, which has just said several caring and loving words to another woman, pleasing him now with his repetitive words “I love you”
People shoud throw rubbish into him, calling him a two-dollar bitch. He felt sinful, guilty and disgraceful at the same time. He also felt the loneliness and pain started sneaking into his heart. He panickingly reached for Hankyung’s hand and squezzed it, which caused a pause in his working to lift his head and glared at Heechul questioningly. Heechul did nothing but to wipe Hankyung perspiration beads on his face. Hankyung looked so damn handsome and attractive right now. It was no doubt that Heechul has fallen so hard.
He loved this man to distraction. Hankyung has pushed him to the edge. All the boundaries Heechul had built up were collapsed. He realized that he had crossed many many lines.
It was still raining heavily outside. Inside, Heechul kept drinking more and more. Somehow, he couln’t taste the strong scent of the alcohol but an insipid one. Sleepiness started pulling down his eyelids.
“Damn it! I’ll have a terrible time waking up the next morning” Heechul softly said before completely fell asleep.
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Three weeks later, Heechul was alone again in his room when he got a phone call from Eeteuk. They haven’t seen each other for about three years. Eeteuk went to live in a village in the countryside with his boyfriend Kangin, planning to open up a farm to grow flowers and plants. They kept contact through the phone, sometimes by emailing or writing letters. Heechul gladed that their friendship was still strong for all those years; thus he could tell Eeteuk everything, even his depressing relationship with Hankyung.
“Hello Heechul! Guess what? We are harvesting our first crop. The flowers are so beautiful. I bet we will earn a lot of money!!!” Eeteuk said loudly in an overexcited tone which made Heechul laughed his ass off.
“Okay Teukie. Calm down! You are going to crumb all the flowers in your hands”
“No I’m not. Kangin is the one in charge of picking them, I’m in charge of directing him the best way to collect them”
“You are turning our aggressive Kangin into a gentle one, aren’t you? It’s not cool seeing him like that. You are destroying his masculinity!” Heechul accused with a teasing voice.
“You are so annoying Heechul. One day I’ll cut your evil tongue. By the way…” Eeteuk’s voice suddenly became soft and hesitant, which Heechul immediately detected and started to feel concerned.
“What’s wrong Teukie? Your voice seems worried”
“Listen Heechul. Am I your best friend?”
“Yes of course. But what’s the point of…”
“So you know I always want you to be happy and I can’t bear seeing you in pain” Eeteuk cut Heechul off, “Kangin and me has discussed and decided to invite you to come to our place…”
“That’s it? I’d love to come but why did you have to use such anxious voice?” Heechul laughed.
“…and never come back!” Eeteuk said with a firm tone. He could felt Heechul pause for a while and his breath fluctuated.
“But…why? I mean…why do you suddenly come up with that? I’m totally fine here!”
“No you are not. Believe me when I said so. You know what I mean right? You and your sneaky relationship with Hankyung would never…”
“…lead to a happy ending” Heechul finished Eeteuk’s statement although his voice was shaking a bit. He fell down the bed, staring to the white ceiling. The white color was bloodcurling, as white as his mind. Heechul found like he was running in a strange place covered with soft white clouds, not as beautiful like he has imagined. It was confused and cold at heart.
“Heechul ah, I know you love him so much but think about yourself too. Look at you in the mirror. I’m sure you will find a pale one staring back at you. You are nolonger a typical Kim Heechul I’ve known. I had laughed to death when you made joke but now I wanna cry everytime you call me at midnight and tell me some stupid joke with your uneasy tone of voice. You had usually hurt people with your sharp tongue but now I feel you being hurt. You had always been a smart one but now you seem dumb to me. What are more differences and destructions he has brought to you that you want me to point out?” He was really angry and all he wanted to do was rush to that bastard Hankyung to kill him for his best friend’s sake.
“Teukie ah…don’t talk like that about Hankyung. He is a good one, I know it…” Heechul was actually crying and sobbing.
“You know it?! Are you sure? Okay let’s say that he is but you have to admit that what I said was all true. Please be wise Heechul. You never ever have him. He is your life but you are just one chapter of many many chapters of his life. What if he get bored and turn to another page?”
Heechul was speechless. All he could say was “Okay Teukie. I’m very thankful that you are concerning about me. Just give me some times. I’ll answer you as soon as possible”
Eeteuk sighed. He was heartbroken hearing Heechul crying so badly.
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Hankyung was shocked at Heechul rude manners towards him, calling him a shameless jerk, throwing things onto him while cursing him and himself. He could tell Heechul was in a dangerous anger which was exploding immensely. He tried to calm Heechul down by hugging him but it made no results at all since Heechul kept hitting him, even bit him to get out of his arms. Hankyung tried to ask Heechul what was wrong with him, what had made him so annoyed but he just glared back at him piercingly. After a while, he reached his limit of patience too.
“Heechul stop it!!! You are so damn crazy! You are acting like a monster. You are not Heechul anymore!” Hankyung shouted at his lover just to caught a pair of hurting eyes.
“I have been out of myself for a long time since I met you. You are so fucking stupid for realizing it so lately. Oh yeah I know why, you have never actually cared about me. All you care is about your own needs, your own demands, your own reputation. How about my self-worth? How about my feelings? How about my self respect? Hankyung……how about me?” screamed Heechul.
Tears started falling down his cheeks like rain. His eyes has turned red and swollened. His voice was shaking terribly. He could see Hankyung looking at him with wide eyes and a surprised expression. However, he wonder if Hankyung had ever really seen through his broken soul inside which he always hid in front of him.
“Why did you say that? You know I love you and I’ll always by your side” Hankyung said, trying to reach for Heechul hands and pulling him closer to hug him tight.
Heechul felt so warm and protective in Hankyung’s arms that he never wanted to let go. He hugged him back and kept crying on his shouder. Hankyung tighten his hand on Heechul’s waist while the other hand was caressing his hair then he softly kissed his head. Unfortunately (or fortunately) what had just happened in the party dedicated to celebrate Hankyung’s lastest award popped up in Heechul’s mind: the happy face of his wife standing next to him, the innocent look in his 5 year old daughter’s eyes when he carried her in his arms, the speech in which he said that the most precious thing in his life was his loving family and the pityful him silently went out of that room with tears secretly overflowed.
Pulling away from Hankyung, Heechul looked directly in his beloved’s eyes. He had to make things clear this time. If he hesitate, he will never have a courage to say it eventhough his heart was being hurt to death.
“You love me but how much do you love me? Is it more than you love your family? Is it more than you love your work? Is it more than you love yourself? Can you sacrify all those things for me? We both understand that you do not and you cannot. Plus, do you count times that I needed you but you couldn’t run to me? I did and I’m sure the number will surprise you; it even surprised me too Hankyung.”
Hankyung felt hurt and guilt started growing inside him. He loved Heechul for sure but there were so many things that holds him back. He wanted to say something to reassure Heechul but he just couldn’t. All words and promisses are empty now, or maybe they have always been empty ever since they started this relationship.
“Are you going to break up with me Heechul?” Hankyung asked softly, dared not look at Heechul because he was so scared to see his face if the answer was yes.
“I still love you and I never want to let go of you. You need to remember it no matter what!” Heechul leaned towards to kiss him tenderly. He could felt Hankyung sighed with relief and he slightly smiled. Hankyung pulled Heechul closer to deepen the kiss. He said softly into Heechul’s ears, “Thank you so much. And I love you!”
The next night Hankyung visited Heechul’s house, he found nothing but the goodbye letter from his lover and the broken hearted him staring blanky into the couch where Heechul used to sit whenever he waited for him to come.
“………
…..I love you with all my heart and have been addicting to you for too long. However, I prefer being hungover to lovedrunk. Although it is an adverse effect, at least my mind can partly stay wise and I can look back and think of myself and my life. I have lost my real me for a very long time Hankyung ah. I want it back. Do you think I’m selfish?
You said I was your sunflower and I said you were my sun. People said sunflowers have to followed the sun but not everyone knows the fact that they just head to the sun direction when they are buds, when they are big they will stop that journey. I still need you and love you but not in a flower bud’s way anymore. As time pasess by, everything along with everyone needs to grow up.
………
I’m sorry my love…But it’s time for me to go….”
Hankyung fell down on the floor, feeling the great anguish, “Am I wrong to love you? The sun was supposed to bring life to its flower, not sorrow and pain right? I’m sorry…so sorry…Heechul ah…”
…
…
…
When he was about to take photo of the lake in the park which was now scintillating in the golden sunset light, a firgue passed by his lens. The moment that person turned to his direction with a graceful but effulgent beauty, he knew he has been caught.
END