Let sleeping dogs lie....
It seems as if everyone goes home to something. Something back at home to look forward to or to enjoy or to be around. I don't come home to anything. I come home to a town full of assholes who want nothing to do with me and i with them. I died to them all when i left this town. I come home to being alone with nothing but a dysfunctional family on the verge of breakdown, no job to be found anywhere, and a shitty American lit course to entertain me. There is nothing for me here. There never has been. The boredom is overwhelming. There's only so many times you can walk upstairs, see who's online, go down the hall to your room, find nothing to do in there, go back downstairs, see if there's anything to eat in the fridge (which there isn't), go flip through the channels a couple times, turn the tv off and repeat the whole process over all day. It's unbearable; and yet this is what i've been doing every day since I've gotten home.
I'm envious of everyone who is enjoying themself. I'm envious of anyone who has something to do and someone to do it with on any given night. I'm envious of anyone who has people to call friends to go home to. Friends that are true. Friends that seek them out. Friends that want to spend time with them. Friends who aren't only there when they need something or someone to entertain them. I'm envious of these people because they have something i've never had. I've never know what it's like to be wanted like that. It's foreign to me and doubtfully something i'll ever have. It's something that sits on me like an open wound that's never going to stop bleeding. And I'm losing the sanity to deal with that. Frankly, I don't know how i am going to survive this summer with any form of sense or sanity left afterwards.
I just want to get the hell out of here and leave everything and everyone behind. I want out of middle class suburban connecticut and i want out of the chapter of my life. If only time was so kind. Only when you wish time to fly the most is when it decides to stand still. I'm so tired of walking on this road of sadness, self doubt, self-loathing, boredom, and loneliness. Damn road metaphors, how i hate them. Feels more like a funeral march anyway. I know i'm always going to be alone in one way or another. I know there's a place in my heart and in my mind that no one will ever be able to fill. I know i'm a naturally sad person and i'm going to be that way the rest of my life. I know getting out of this shithole doesn't necessarily solve anything. I know there's always something i'm going to be searching for and i know i'm never going to find it. I know all these things. What i don't know is how i'm going to be able to live with this knowledge and how i'm going to deal with it. Unfortunately, i also know there's no answer for that.
I've always know it was going to be this way. Ever since i can remember i've known. And i still haven't been able to wrap my mind around this concept and figure it out. I probably won't ever. I'm just tired of all this; so tired. And frankly, I don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to stay awake.
I'm envious of everyone who is enjoying themself. I'm envious of anyone who has something to do and someone to do it with on any given night. I'm envious of anyone who has people to call friends to go home to. Friends that are true. Friends that seek them out. Friends that want to spend time with them. Friends who aren't only there when they need something or someone to entertain them. I'm envious of these people because they have something i've never had. I've never know what it's like to be wanted like that. It's foreign to me and doubtfully something i'll ever have. It's something that sits on me like an open wound that's never going to stop bleeding. And I'm losing the sanity to deal with that. Frankly, I don't know how i am going to survive this summer with any form of sense or sanity left afterwards.
I just want to get the hell out of here and leave everything and everyone behind. I want out of middle class suburban connecticut and i want out of the chapter of my life. If only time was so kind. Only when you wish time to fly the most is when it decides to stand still. I'm so tired of walking on this road of sadness, self doubt, self-loathing, boredom, and loneliness. Damn road metaphors, how i hate them. Feels more like a funeral march anyway. I know i'm always going to be alone in one way or another. I know there's a place in my heart and in my mind that no one will ever be able to fill. I know i'm a naturally sad person and i'm going to be that way the rest of my life. I know getting out of this shithole doesn't necessarily solve anything. I know there's always something i'm going to be searching for and i know i'm never going to find it. I know all these things. What i don't know is how i'm going to be able to live with this knowledge and how i'm going to deal with it. Unfortunately, i also know there's no answer for that.
I've always know it was going to be this way. Ever since i can remember i've known. And i still haven't been able to wrap my mind around this concept and figure it out. I probably won't ever. I'm just tired of all this; so tired. And frankly, I don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to stay awake.