September 25, 2003
Mentally and physically exhausted....that is where this one is tonight.
the hell of the day started last night. Master said that "the showdown was gonna happen" last night. this one was scared beyond understanding, she couldn't sleep most of the night wondering if Master was ok, wondering if Master was going to tell her it was over.
this one has kept the "others" quiet and put away for so long and this afternoon she couldn't fight them anymore. After the entire day of worry (even after Master said nothing happened last night) she had no mental strength left.
Master said that if He bought another house it would be in WI or an A state, she would leave tomorrow if Master so wished....not to run away, but to stay with Him wherever He goes.
she trusts Master, she really does, just at times her brain questions Him. she knows that Master says He will stand behind His promises. He promises that He will not ask or tell her to leave and that He wants her in His life, if it comes down to an ultimatum she will be at His side. Hmmmmmm she wants to believe this with all her being, but then remembers that Master also made a promise of committment to nikki and her children........either way He would be braking a promise.
Master told her she way klingy and then corrected it as others may see her as such. This hurt this one. she is not clingy or does not mean to be.....she has such a need to serve her Master and be with Him, that is what B/both want.......she is there so much because Master wants her there and she wants to be there....it is the closest to 24/7 she can be at this time and not by her or Master's choice.
if the last couple weeks were looked at closely, she has been around less than normal, either because shit happens and Master can not come spend time with this one, or she has stepped back at times to allow Master and nikki more alone time. is it her fault that most of those times have been spent in argument? even when she is there, she has stepped back. when she sits at Master's feet and nikki is around, she sits to the side so if nikki so chooses there is another side available where we both can be at Master's feet and near Him. Today she was doing this and was hurt when nikki came and sat between Master's legs laying her head on the side this one was on.......this one is willing and trying to share Master and not seem so clingy or give off a possesive role.
as off tonight Master will have spent 1 nights with this one in 9 days time...she understands Master was ill and not well in the hospital earlier this week, but she still needs Him to be with her at night once in awhile...to feel safe in His arms at night. she asked Master to please spend the night with her after the rough day, week, couple weeks.......Master said He wasn't sure He could and wouldn't promise. this one really needs a yes or no, for not knowing she will wait.
sorry journal so crappy and down tonight, mind not in real good place.
the hell of the day started last night. Master said that "the showdown was gonna happen" last night. this one was scared beyond understanding, she couldn't sleep most of the night wondering if Master was ok, wondering if Master was going to tell her it was over.
this one has kept the "others" quiet and put away for so long and this afternoon she couldn't fight them anymore. After the entire day of worry (even after Master said nothing happened last night) she had no mental strength left.
Master said that if He bought another house it would be in WI or an A state, she would leave tomorrow if Master so wished....not to run away, but to stay with Him wherever He goes.
she trusts Master, she really does, just at times her brain questions Him. she knows that Master says He will stand behind His promises. He promises that He will not ask or tell her to leave and that He wants her in His life, if it comes down to an ultimatum she will be at His side. Hmmmmmm she wants to believe this with all her being, but then remembers that Master also made a promise of committment to nikki and her children........either way He would be braking a promise.
Master told her she way klingy and then corrected it as others may see her as such. This hurt this one. she is not clingy or does not mean to be.....she has such a need to serve her Master and be with Him, that is what B/both want.......she is there so much because Master wants her there and she wants to be there....it is the closest to 24/7 she can be at this time and not by her or Master's choice.
if the last couple weeks were looked at closely, she has been around less than normal, either because shit happens and Master can not come spend time with this one, or she has stepped back at times to allow Master and nikki more alone time. is it her fault that most of those times have been spent in argument? even when she is there, she has stepped back. when she sits at Master's feet and nikki is around, she sits to the side so if nikki so chooses there is another side available where we both can be at Master's feet and near Him. Today she was doing this and was hurt when nikki came and sat between Master's legs laying her head on the side this one was on.......this one is willing and trying to share Master and not seem so clingy or give off a possesive role.
as off tonight Master will have spent 1 nights with this one in 9 days time...she understands Master was ill and not well in the hospital earlier this week, but she still needs Him to be with her at night once in awhile...to feel safe in His arms at night. she asked Master to please spend the night with her after the rough day, week, couple weeks.......Master said He wasn't sure He could and wouldn't promise. this one really needs a yes or no, for not knowing she will wait.
sorry journal so crappy and down tonight, mind not in real good place.