Wherein I become the human bulldozer
I seem to have lost the skill of moderation.
Of late I have been pushing myself harder and harder to make the most out of things. I think this is a continued reaction to the long decline and then death of my father, and my mother's current disability. Even as a child I did not want to emulate their passive, physically inactive lifestyle. But as an adult, I went through a long phase of enacting it in my own life. A few years ago I started fighting back, as the end of the line for my father became clearer. I started hitting the gym, hard, and started looking for more and more activities to engage in to fill down time and to try and maximize life.
This has accelerated even more in the last few months. I feel like I am pushing myself as though I had my foot pressed on the gas pedal. I enjoy that feeling, and I want to do it even more. Unfortunately, I do run up against limitations in various areas. The last month has been especially intense, and I think I am now suffering from a case of exhaustion. Body and mind seem to be begging me to slow down a bit, but it is almost like I don't know how. If I try and settle in and do nothing I start going crazy. I've lost my ability to sit down and read a book for hours on end, something which was always one of my key activities. If I don't make it to the gym and hit it hard on a given day, or do some other hard exercise, I feel sluggish and moody and irritable.
I want a constant stream of activity and mental stimulation. I want sex in large amounts. I just constantly want ... more.
But today I have hit the wall. The last few weeks have seen me getting far less sleep than normal, for a variety of reasons. I had an injury while hiking this weekend. I am a bit ganged up on by social pressures where I am finding myself multiple booked on a given weeknight. I have a web conference this afternoon that will prevent me from going to the gym, and I am already anxious about that.
I have to find a way to step back from this, but it is hard. The mental inclination is too strong, and it is based on fear. I feel as though I now see how few years are left to me to enjoy this level of activity, and that I have wasted too many years where I could have enjoyed it. I am terrified of the idea of being old and forceably inactive and sitting there berating myself for having let life pass me by. And I know that I would, if I didn't maximize things now, while I can. Too much time has been lost.
Much of my thirties was spent in a sedentary existence where hubby and I increasingly cocooned ourselves out of the world into a private realm. We became far too inward focused. It was unhealthy. And I regret that now. Unfortunately, I can't yet shake him out of this state of mind, and it is causing some strain.
So yes, I need to find the balance again, but I can't return to the way things were. I am far too fond of the person I have returned to being to go back to a situation where I looked at myself in the mirror and was unhappy with the person looking back.
But where is that balance?
For the moment, I am trying just some rest. Apart from Saturday brutality with Psycho Trainer Boy, the rest of the weekend I will do as little as possible. It will drive me insane, no doubt. But a day and a half with the foot off the gas should be achievable. I've turned down invitations to events.
I have to ask myself, why, in my whole life, have I always been given to extremities? It drove my ex to the edge of despair. I have to avoid that now. But I can't live at the speed of a tortoise anymore. Life is fleeting by.
Of late I have been pushing myself harder and harder to make the most out of things. I think this is a continued reaction to the long decline and then death of my father, and my mother's current disability. Even as a child I did not want to emulate their passive, physically inactive lifestyle. But as an adult, I went through a long phase of enacting it in my own life. A few years ago I started fighting back, as the end of the line for my father became clearer. I started hitting the gym, hard, and started looking for more and more activities to engage in to fill down time and to try and maximize life.
This has accelerated even more in the last few months. I feel like I am pushing myself as though I had my foot pressed on the gas pedal. I enjoy that feeling, and I want to do it even more. Unfortunately, I do run up against limitations in various areas. The last month has been especially intense, and I think I am now suffering from a case of exhaustion. Body and mind seem to be begging me to slow down a bit, but it is almost like I don't know how. If I try and settle in and do nothing I start going crazy. I've lost my ability to sit down and read a book for hours on end, something which was always one of my key activities. If I don't make it to the gym and hit it hard on a given day, or do some other hard exercise, I feel sluggish and moody and irritable.
I want a constant stream of activity and mental stimulation. I want sex in large amounts. I just constantly want ... more.
But today I have hit the wall. The last few weeks have seen me getting far less sleep than normal, for a variety of reasons. I had an injury while hiking this weekend. I am a bit ganged up on by social pressures where I am finding myself multiple booked on a given weeknight. I have a web conference this afternoon that will prevent me from going to the gym, and I am already anxious about that.
I have to find a way to step back from this, but it is hard. The mental inclination is too strong, and it is based on fear. I feel as though I now see how few years are left to me to enjoy this level of activity, and that I have wasted too many years where I could have enjoyed it. I am terrified of the idea of being old and forceably inactive and sitting there berating myself for having let life pass me by. And I know that I would, if I didn't maximize things now, while I can. Too much time has been lost.
Much of my thirties was spent in a sedentary existence where hubby and I increasingly cocooned ourselves out of the world into a private realm. We became far too inward focused. It was unhealthy. And I regret that now. Unfortunately, I can't yet shake him out of this state of mind, and it is causing some strain.
So yes, I need to find the balance again, but I can't return to the way things were. I am far too fond of the person I have returned to being to go back to a situation where I looked at myself in the mirror and was unhappy with the person looking back.
But where is that balance?
For the moment, I am trying just some rest. Apart from Saturday brutality with Psycho Trainer Boy, the rest of the weekend I will do as little as possible. It will drive me insane, no doubt. But a day and a half with the foot off the gas should be achievable. I've turned down invitations to events.
I have to ask myself, why, in my whole life, have I always been given to extremities? It drove my ex to the edge of despair. I have to avoid that now. But I can't live at the speed of a tortoise anymore. Life is fleeting by.