Bad blogger!
I've been having trouble coming to grips with this place for a while now. I find that my mind has not been on my side when it comes to writing anything substantial - I have developed the focus ability of a gnat with ADD. Even reading has been a challenge for me of late. Unless it grips me hard, I have difficulty staying focused on reading long enough to get into the meat of the subject. I don't know what the root of this is, but it is frustrating.
Work and life pressure reached a real crescendo last week, after a month of buildup, and I basically snapped for 48 hours. I was in a state of very agitated depression, and was only managing to function at all via the use of low level tranquilizers. Actually, I was in such a state that I think I was a danger to myself. Not in a planning way, but in a "Oh god, I honestly hope I don't come up with some impulse action." This has passed, but has left me somewhat shaky to be honest.
Paradoxically, I have rarely felt better about myself. So many things in my life are shaping up well, even considering the challenges my little family are under. I have been working hard for a year and a half, and even though my 45th birthday approaches only a few weeks away I look better (in all likelihood) than I have looked since I was 23. I get an enormous amount of attention from both men and women - in fact, I have been getting cruised by attractive young women at a level I have never experienced in my life. New York women, the young ones anyway, seem to really love a fit daddy type. They probably see us as having been broken in by other women, being financially solid, and more reliable.
What I fail to see is how they can miss the gigantic warning signs of "Lady, this one is as gay as a picnic basket!"
Based on a recommendation I have started working with a trainer up here in the country. He costs 1/3 the rate of one in NYC, and this kid is good. Yesterday he worked me to the point that enormous splats of sweat were falling FROM MY BEARD. It was hysterical and gross. But as I did things I watched in the mirror to keep my eye on form, and could not believe the person I was seeing in the mirror. It pleased me.
Yet none of this turns off that goddamn computer subroutine in my brain that sends me into vortices of despair with little reason. I've had years of relative stability and had come to see them as the new normal. I have been rudely awoken from that mindset. It leaves me with a profound sense of exhaustion. Is this really something I am going to have to battle for the rest of my life? I had hoped it would diminish and pass with time, but it apparently has not. It reminds me of Young Frankenstein, where they accidentally use the brain labeled "Abnormal." Someone clearly made such a switch on me in the past.
I'm intelligent enough as things go; despite my age, I'm objectively fairly good looking; I have friends and a family. Yet something is still deeply amiss in me, and I can't seem to cure that part.
I have barely taken any time off from work this year, and have a huge amount of vacation time to use up, so I am taking half of next week off and staying up here in the country. I am truly looking forward to spending several days entirely by myself, and hopefully regaining some equilibrium. I think my need for alone time has not been met, as due to work budget issues the hubby almost never travels for work anymore (whereas he used to spend a quarter of the year overseas). I need some time to reconnect to me. I spent much of my childhood completely alone, and while that wasn't healthy it left an imprint on my mind.
I need to feel like me again.
Work and life pressure reached a real crescendo last week, after a month of buildup, and I basically snapped for 48 hours. I was in a state of very agitated depression, and was only managing to function at all via the use of low level tranquilizers. Actually, I was in such a state that I think I was a danger to myself. Not in a planning way, but in a "Oh god, I honestly hope I don't come up with some impulse action." This has passed, but has left me somewhat shaky to be honest.
Paradoxically, I have rarely felt better about myself. So many things in my life are shaping up well, even considering the challenges my little family are under. I have been working hard for a year and a half, and even though my 45th birthday approaches only a few weeks away I look better (in all likelihood) than I have looked since I was 23. I get an enormous amount of attention from both men and women - in fact, I have been getting cruised by attractive young women at a level I have never experienced in my life. New York women, the young ones anyway, seem to really love a fit daddy type. They probably see us as having been broken in by other women, being financially solid, and more reliable.
What I fail to see is how they can miss the gigantic warning signs of "Lady, this one is as gay as a picnic basket!"
Based on a recommendation I have started working with a trainer up here in the country. He costs 1/3 the rate of one in NYC, and this kid is good. Yesterday he worked me to the point that enormous splats of sweat were falling FROM MY BEARD. It was hysterical and gross. But as I did things I watched in the mirror to keep my eye on form, and could not believe the person I was seeing in the mirror. It pleased me.
Yet none of this turns off that goddamn computer subroutine in my brain that sends me into vortices of despair with little reason. I've had years of relative stability and had come to see them as the new normal. I have been rudely awoken from that mindset. It leaves me with a profound sense of exhaustion. Is this really something I am going to have to battle for the rest of my life? I had hoped it would diminish and pass with time, but it apparently has not. It reminds me of Young Frankenstein, where they accidentally use the brain labeled "Abnormal." Someone clearly made such a switch on me in the past.
I'm intelligent enough as things go; despite my age, I'm objectively fairly good looking; I have friends and a family. Yet something is still deeply amiss in me, and I can't seem to cure that part.
I have barely taken any time off from work this year, and have a huge amount of vacation time to use up, so I am taking half of next week off and staying up here in the country. I am truly looking forward to spending several days entirely by myself, and hopefully regaining some equilibrium. I think my need for alone time has not been met, as due to work budget issues the hubby almost never travels for work anymore (whereas he used to spend a quarter of the year overseas). I need some time to reconnect to me. I spent much of my childhood completely alone, and while that wasn't healthy it left an imprint on my mind.
I need to feel like me again.