Mentally bench-pressing less is where I am
I am dangerous today.
The last few months left me in a bit of a pit, honestly - all my spare energy was going to maintaining the family situation and to keeping my own sanity. I still haven't been able to grieve properly (will I ever? I don't know). But the pressure is now off, and parts of me are resurfacing after a long absence.
As of today, libido is back.
Now, during the last few months I certainly had sex. I even wanted it. But it was more of a "well, I need human contact - let's do it through sex." Today, however, the more normal feeling of "somebody better give it up or I'm going to doing something extreme" has come back. It is a welcome visitor, indeed. I got laughed at by the hubby on the subway this morning, as there was this hot young redhead pup with scruff sitting opposite where I was standing, and I guess I was a bit focused on him. Hubby knows what I like, so he was amused.
It's just nice to feel that way again, in a normal manner.
Depressurized - that is the word that I think of to describe how I feel right now. An immense amount of worry has been lifted off my shoulders. I still have a ton or work to do to provide for my mother, but the constant worry is gone. I realized that this had been a cloud on my mind for at least a year, probably longer. Adjusting to having more of my mental capacity freed up is taking a while. It makes me feel a bit callous, that I am feeling happy to have that part of my mind back. I can't sort out my grief feelings yet. I am constantly stumbling over the thought "he's dead." But I am not (yet) the sort of person to get overwhelmed by grief. It is more of a low simmer, and will be for a while. Given my "brain" issues, I have developed a pathological avoidance of extreme emotional states. I don't even know how to NOT suppress them anymore. They are too dangerous for me, as I don't know what path they will lead me down.
Rather than popping a cork like a champagne bottle, I try to be more like a can of Coke - where you let the air pressure out a little at a time, slowly, so you don't get foam everywhere. My can has been shaken up, but I don't dare release the buildup in one burst.
It's odd - I don't quite know what to do with myself over the next few months. I've had this continuing issue affecting my life so long, I don't know what to do without it. Every vacation has had to have contingency plans, so that I could respond "if something happened." I've had to be ready to drop everything on a moment's notice and get in the car to Massachusetts within hours of getting some type of news. This permanent preparedness has been a fact of life so long that I feel really odd not having to do it.
I am planning on taking a good chunk of time off around Christmas / New Year's. I need the rest. But I am fumbling a bit about what to do during that time. How do you organize time off without all the planning?
I guess I'll find out.
Have a good weekend.
The last few months left me in a bit of a pit, honestly - all my spare energy was going to maintaining the family situation and to keeping my own sanity. I still haven't been able to grieve properly (will I ever? I don't know). But the pressure is now off, and parts of me are resurfacing after a long absence.
As of today, libido is back.
Now, during the last few months I certainly had sex. I even wanted it. But it was more of a "well, I need human contact - let's do it through sex." Today, however, the more normal feeling of "somebody better give it up or I'm going to doing something extreme" has come back. It is a welcome visitor, indeed. I got laughed at by the hubby on the subway this morning, as there was this hot young redhead pup with scruff sitting opposite where I was standing, and I guess I was a bit focused on him. Hubby knows what I like, so he was amused.
It's just nice to feel that way again, in a normal manner.
Depressurized - that is the word that I think of to describe how I feel right now. An immense amount of worry has been lifted off my shoulders. I still have a ton or work to do to provide for my mother, but the constant worry is gone. I realized that this had been a cloud on my mind for at least a year, probably longer. Adjusting to having more of my mental capacity freed up is taking a while. It makes me feel a bit callous, that I am feeling happy to have that part of my mind back. I can't sort out my grief feelings yet. I am constantly stumbling over the thought "he's dead." But I am not (yet) the sort of person to get overwhelmed by grief. It is more of a low simmer, and will be for a while. Given my "brain" issues, I have developed a pathological avoidance of extreme emotional states. I don't even know how to NOT suppress them anymore. They are too dangerous for me, as I don't know what path they will lead me down.
Rather than popping a cork like a champagne bottle, I try to be more like a can of Coke - where you let the air pressure out a little at a time, slowly, so you don't get foam everywhere. My can has been shaken up, but I don't dare release the buildup in one burst.
It's odd - I don't quite know what to do with myself over the next few months. I've had this continuing issue affecting my life so long, I don't know what to do without it. Every vacation has had to have contingency plans, so that I could respond "if something happened." I've had to be ready to drop everything on a moment's notice and get in the car to Massachusetts within hours of getting some type of news. This permanent preparedness has been a fact of life so long that I feel really odd not having to do it.
I am planning on taking a good chunk of time off around Christmas / New Year's. I need the rest. But I am fumbling a bit about what to do during that time. How do you organize time off without all the planning?
I guess I'll find out.
Have a good weekend.