Ego navel-gazing
He's a pretty young thing. Due to similar travel schedules in the morning we often end up in the same car on the same train, heading in to work. He is maybe 25, tousled (but short) hair, bearded, dark, slender. Sort of a hipster in appearance. Very cute, if a bit arty for me. I catch him looking at me, and when I gaze back he nervously turns away. His eyes, though, shift back soon enough.
I can place myself in his mindset at his age, because I was once there myself. I always admired men older than myself, specifically men in their forties. They seemed so solid, to be fully grown men, with confidence and a type of power. This was very attractive to my twenty-something self. Unfortunately, I hadn't learned the basic rules - that in order to get what you want, you need to put yourself in the same category in all likelihood. Look similar to what you want to get. Young bearded boy seems to get that idea; I alas, did not.
That projection from your twenties, that at some point in adulthood you would have it all together and be the man you hoped to be - it was powerful. You realize, though, when you look back from this age, that this is not really the case. I am far more confident, far more in control, yes. But I am also painfully aware of things that did not register with me back then, and have new concerns. You stand on more solid ground, but are aware of how quickly it can all fall out beneath you. You know yourself better, but trust the world less.
So yes, I have strength that a young man like that could find appealing and want to rely on. But the journey isn't over. I can't stand here and say "Well, alright then, I've got this down. Welcome to your full potential!"
I was talking to the trainer yesterday, discussing career issues and what he hoped to be doing in the coming years (he himself is 34). He asked me if I was making as much money as I had hoped to. I answered no, I am not, but that didn't really bother me much. Sure, more money would be helpful, but I had adjusted my life and for the moment was getting by. He then asked if I had any regrets. No, I responded, but it wasn't what I had once hoped it would be. I always imagined myself to be something of a "big dog" by this age, and that I could not realistically say that this was the case. I told him that the only thing that bothered me was an ego issue, and therefore I didn't place much emphasis on it.
He said that I must be pretty aware of who I was to acknowledge that, that my ego was the part that was bothered. I don't know. It is what it is. I did hope for more respect than I have. Perhaps that will come in time, but I don't rely on it. I roll with the situation as it is, and with some guidance on my part the future will sort itself out.
Yes, I can turn even a case of having a young man with a case of daddy lust into a cause of introspection. So sue me.
So, aside from his beauty, the young man on the train is compelling to me for other reasons. I imagine how the world must look from his eyes, and how he may project his dreams of the future onto how he perceives me to be. He may be looking at me the way I used to look at older men, and thinking about how he himself would be at my age. He may find himself surprised too, when he gets here. It just isn't as sorted out as he may think.
I wouldn't explain that to him, though. I'd rather just hold onto him and let him imagine me as strong and reliable. And I'd take his dreams for my own, for a little while.
I can place myself in his mindset at his age, because I was once there myself. I always admired men older than myself, specifically men in their forties. They seemed so solid, to be fully grown men, with confidence and a type of power. This was very attractive to my twenty-something self. Unfortunately, I hadn't learned the basic rules - that in order to get what you want, you need to put yourself in the same category in all likelihood. Look similar to what you want to get. Young bearded boy seems to get that idea; I alas, did not.
That projection from your twenties, that at some point in adulthood you would have it all together and be the man you hoped to be - it was powerful. You realize, though, when you look back from this age, that this is not really the case. I am far more confident, far more in control, yes. But I am also painfully aware of things that did not register with me back then, and have new concerns. You stand on more solid ground, but are aware of how quickly it can all fall out beneath you. You know yourself better, but trust the world less.
So yes, I have strength that a young man like that could find appealing and want to rely on. But the journey isn't over. I can't stand here and say "Well, alright then, I've got this down. Welcome to your full potential!"
I was talking to the trainer yesterday, discussing career issues and what he hoped to be doing in the coming years (he himself is 34). He asked me if I was making as much money as I had hoped to. I answered no, I am not, but that didn't really bother me much. Sure, more money would be helpful, but I had adjusted my life and for the moment was getting by. He then asked if I had any regrets. No, I responded, but it wasn't what I had once hoped it would be. I always imagined myself to be something of a "big dog" by this age, and that I could not realistically say that this was the case. I told him that the only thing that bothered me was an ego issue, and therefore I didn't place much emphasis on it.
He said that I must be pretty aware of who I was to acknowledge that, that my ego was the part that was bothered. I don't know. It is what it is. I did hope for more respect than I have. Perhaps that will come in time, but I don't rely on it. I roll with the situation as it is, and with some guidance on my part the future will sort itself out.
Yes, I can turn even a case of having a young man with a case of daddy lust into a cause of introspection. So sue me.
So, aside from his beauty, the young man on the train is compelling to me for other reasons. I imagine how the world must look from his eyes, and how he may project his dreams of the future onto how he perceives me to be. He may be looking at me the way I used to look at older men, and thinking about how he himself would be at my age. He may find himself surprised too, when he gets here. It just isn't as sorted out as he may think.
I wouldn't explain that to him, though. I'd rather just hold onto him and let him imagine me as strong and reliable. And I'd take his dreams for my own, for a little while.