Analysis: "Homo gymnasiumensis" and conservation status
The Grunter.
The grunter is a subspecies of homo sapiens sapiens recently classified as homo gymnasiumensis. It is known for its territory marking vocalizations, as well as physical displays in its attempts to lure the females of its kind. Territory and dominance vocalizations involve repeated loud grunting sounds mixed with what superficially resembles a cry of physical agony. This species is known for making these vocalizations to assert control of a wide territorial domain within a gymnasium, extending from the equipment it is presently occupying to include all neighboring equipment. Coupled with what is best termed a "plumage display," wherein the male dances around in front of a reflective object examining all his physical attributes and displaying them in their best light to the females, he is known for being intensely irritating to other males of related but not identical subspecies.
Members of homo sapiens sapiens not of his subspecies can have great enjoyment by callously ignoring his dominance calls and displays and aggressively using equipment within the range of his attempted authority. Though he is not using the equipment, the grunter clearly feels the need for a large radius of control, and by insinuating themselves into that radius it is possible for others to disrupt his entire routine and shatter his psychological state during the period of intrusion. Symptoms of this include a brief explosion of more aggressive physical display, which, if ignored, leads to him wandering off in confusion as he no longer understands the ground rules of his environment. This is highly enjoyable to non-grunters, though it is often ill advised as the grunter is known for imbibing substances that damage his inhibition controls and may render him more aggressive than normal.
In certain locations grunters appear to have largely migrated from Eastern Europe, and generally resemble bad examples of Soviet era hormone programs aimed at breeding homo sovieticus. Despite their physical plumage they are, on average, of far sub-par visual attractiveness; rather, they tend to verge on the "Ivan Lendl" side of the scale. This leads them to ever more stridently develop their muscle plumage to compensate for the grotesquerie of their brow ridges.
The grunters are suspected of having next to no income as all of their daytime hours seem to be spent in the gymnasium environment, leading one to wonder at what possible source of funding grunters live on. Speculation as to the percentage of them starring in pornography or working off of rentboy.com is currently difficult, as they are undoubtedly of the heterosexual variety and most women of same or related subspecies would not pay to engage in mating with these individuals. Possible mafia connections cannot be dismissed.
In conclusion, while the gymnasium is the natural environment of the grunter, the authors see the species as having little intrinsic value and indeed as an invasive pest in most instances. We therefore recommend a program of eradication, reducing their numbers and restricting them to a number of reserved domains where they can live without inflicting annoyance on others.
Federal funding application to follow.
The grunter is a subspecies of homo sapiens sapiens recently classified as homo gymnasiumensis. It is known for its territory marking vocalizations, as well as physical displays in its attempts to lure the females of its kind. Territory and dominance vocalizations involve repeated loud grunting sounds mixed with what superficially resembles a cry of physical agony. This species is known for making these vocalizations to assert control of a wide territorial domain within a gymnasium, extending from the equipment it is presently occupying to include all neighboring equipment. Coupled with what is best termed a "plumage display," wherein the male dances around in front of a reflective object examining all his physical attributes and displaying them in their best light to the females, he is known for being intensely irritating to other males of related but not identical subspecies.
Members of homo sapiens sapiens not of his subspecies can have great enjoyment by callously ignoring his dominance calls and displays and aggressively using equipment within the range of his attempted authority. Though he is not using the equipment, the grunter clearly feels the need for a large radius of control, and by insinuating themselves into that radius it is possible for others to disrupt his entire routine and shatter his psychological state during the period of intrusion. Symptoms of this include a brief explosion of more aggressive physical display, which, if ignored, leads to him wandering off in confusion as he no longer understands the ground rules of his environment. This is highly enjoyable to non-grunters, though it is often ill advised as the grunter is known for imbibing substances that damage his inhibition controls and may render him more aggressive than normal.
In certain locations grunters appear to have largely migrated from Eastern Europe, and generally resemble bad examples of Soviet era hormone programs aimed at breeding homo sovieticus. Despite their physical plumage they are, on average, of far sub-par visual attractiveness; rather, they tend to verge on the "Ivan Lendl" side of the scale. This leads them to ever more stridently develop their muscle plumage to compensate for the grotesquerie of their brow ridges.
The grunters are suspected of having next to no income as all of their daytime hours seem to be spent in the gymnasium environment, leading one to wonder at what possible source of funding grunters live on. Speculation as to the percentage of them starring in pornography or working off of rentboy.com is currently difficult, as they are undoubtedly of the heterosexual variety and most women of same or related subspecies would not pay to engage in mating with these individuals. Possible mafia connections cannot be dismissed.
In conclusion, while the gymnasium is the natural environment of the grunter, the authors see the species as having little intrinsic value and indeed as an invasive pest in most instances. We therefore recommend a program of eradication, reducing their numbers and restricting them to a number of reserved domains where they can live without inflicting annoyance on others.
Federal funding application to follow.