Insomnia and Melancholy
I have insomnia gain. Fibro pain is annoying my body- nothing bad enough to make me cry or anything, but briefly painful and quite fucking annoying.
If you don't have it, it's hard to make someone understand a chronic pain condition like RA or fibro. I have a hard enough time acknowledging/understanding it, and I've got it. Talking to others on some boards has made me feel a little better about this, but I've had a couple of bad days this week and it really kills that good mood that I was in.
That's what I get for bragging about being happy and accepting my medical conditions.
There's a few different pains/problems with pains. First, there's just general stiffness. Most people have it, at least in the morning or after sitting still for too long. I have it constantly, even if I stretch. Then, there's this weird thing I've been having, where it's not pain, but actually a lack of sensitivity. I can tell if someone is touching my skin, but I don't really feel it in the muscles below. Well, I do- but not nearly as much as I should. Massage is a prime example of this. Muscle knots feel better having direct pressure applied to them, but I can't feel the know actually release, which I used to (that was my favorite part of the massage.) All my muscles are tight; if I twist at all a little funny, I'll get a muscle spasm and then a cramp I can't work out. I just have to suffer with it until it settles down to a tolerable level. Then, there's the feeling that you get from those Icy/Hot muscle creams. Well, I can't that feeling over random patches of muscle at completely random times, with no warning. Or pins and needles as well. Then there's just the dull ache- imagine how you feel after a really too-difficult workout, and then magnify it. (I am completely not an athletic or workout person, so I'm well acquainted with post-work out pain, and what's a normal pain for over extending myself.)
And there's no reason other than my screwed up immune system for all this pain.
No wonder some people don't accept that Fibro is a real condition. It sounds like I'm crazy. And I know it sounds like I'm crazy. Sometimes, I just feel crazy. It would be better than what it is- there are better meds for crazy people right now than Fibro, I swear. If I wasn't me, if I was just hearing a story about someone who had this pain, shit- I wouldn't believe them, either.
So that part of life sucks. Sorry for whining in public and all.
The other two parts of my life- the kids and writing- aren't going so well right now either. My eldest daughter is having some adjustment issues with having her older, better behaved, bossy cousin around. And since she's 4, she no longer naps- and she is hell on wheels when she's tired. We have had a couple of complete meltdowns and a bunch of tears. It's not fun.
Writing- I just finished one story that took a lot out of me, and the boards and such have been pretty quiet, so no inspiration there. I have bits and pieces of things just running all over my head. I don't know what to write down and what to try and remember anymore (I used to have more leeway with what I wrote down, when I had a better memory.) Everything just seems to bring to mind- how can I use this in a story? My almost 90 year old Grandfather has stage 4 Prostate cancer and Alzheimer's, and I'm thinking what I can use from his life to create a story modeled on the stubborn old coot. Granted, this particular instance might just be my way of avoiding dealing with the Old Man's mortality- but his crazy-ass life really would make a cool character.
I'm sick. It's a very alive feeling though. I keep trying to remember everything, to think about again later to find a way to use it. I do remember feeling like this in HS and points in college, when writing was a complete compulsion that I couldn't turn down. There was a point in time where I didn't know how NOT to write. I'm approaching that point again. Which is good-
I've just got a lot going on in my life at the same time, and it makes for a whirlwind in my mind. I hope I can do all this and write, come end of summer. I don't want to give this part of me up again to real life. I just don't.
***HAIR UPDATE***
By the by, my hair is now light lavender, all over (not just streaks) and that will be joined by darker purple streaks/highlights come 4th of July. The Kool-Aid wash sucked, and the pink just wasn't going to cut a trip to NM. So I took 3 kids to Sally's Beauty, got driven completely nuts, and bit the bullet and bought real purple dye. I'm not entirely happy with it (again) but it's livable now.
If you don't have it, it's hard to make someone understand a chronic pain condition like RA or fibro. I have a hard enough time acknowledging/understanding it, and I've got it. Talking to others on some boards has made me feel a little better about this, but I've had a couple of bad days this week and it really kills that good mood that I was in.
That's what I get for bragging about being happy and accepting my medical conditions.
There's a few different pains/problems with pains. First, there's just general stiffness. Most people have it, at least in the morning or after sitting still for too long. I have it constantly, even if I stretch. Then, there's this weird thing I've been having, where it's not pain, but actually a lack of sensitivity. I can tell if someone is touching my skin, but I don't really feel it in the muscles below. Well, I do- but not nearly as much as I should. Massage is a prime example of this. Muscle knots feel better having direct pressure applied to them, but I can't feel the know actually release, which I used to (that was my favorite part of the massage.) All my muscles are tight; if I twist at all a little funny, I'll get a muscle spasm and then a cramp I can't work out. I just have to suffer with it until it settles down to a tolerable level. Then, there's the feeling that you get from those Icy/Hot muscle creams. Well, I can't that feeling over random patches of muscle at completely random times, with no warning. Or pins and needles as well. Then there's just the dull ache- imagine how you feel after a really too-difficult workout, and then magnify it. (I am completely not an athletic or workout person, so I'm well acquainted with post-work out pain, and what's a normal pain for over extending myself.)
And there's no reason other than my screwed up immune system for all this pain.
No wonder some people don't accept that Fibro is a real condition. It sounds like I'm crazy. And I know it sounds like I'm crazy. Sometimes, I just feel crazy. It would be better than what it is- there are better meds for crazy people right now than Fibro, I swear. If I wasn't me, if I was just hearing a story about someone who had this pain, shit- I wouldn't believe them, either.
So that part of life sucks. Sorry for whining in public and all.
The other two parts of my life- the kids and writing- aren't going so well right now either. My eldest daughter is having some adjustment issues with having her older, better behaved, bossy cousin around. And since she's 4, she no longer naps- and she is hell on wheels when she's tired. We have had a couple of complete meltdowns and a bunch of tears. It's not fun.
Writing- I just finished one story that took a lot out of me, and the boards and such have been pretty quiet, so no inspiration there. I have bits and pieces of things just running all over my head. I don't know what to write down and what to try and remember anymore (I used to have more leeway with what I wrote down, when I had a better memory.) Everything just seems to bring to mind- how can I use this in a story? My almost 90 year old Grandfather has stage 4 Prostate cancer and Alzheimer's, and I'm thinking what I can use from his life to create a story modeled on the stubborn old coot. Granted, this particular instance might just be my way of avoiding dealing with the Old Man's mortality- but his crazy-ass life really would make a cool character.
I'm sick. It's a very alive feeling though. I keep trying to remember everything, to think about again later to find a way to use it. I do remember feeling like this in HS and points in college, when writing was a complete compulsion that I couldn't turn down. There was a point in time where I didn't know how NOT to write. I'm approaching that point again. Which is good-
I've just got a lot going on in my life at the same time, and it makes for a whirlwind in my mind. I hope I can do all this and write, come end of summer. I don't want to give this part of me up again to real life. I just don't.
***HAIR UPDATE***
By the by, my hair is now light lavender, all over (not just streaks) and that will be joined by darker purple streaks/highlights come 4th of July. The Kool-Aid wash sucked, and the pink just wasn't going to cut a trip to NM. So I took 3 kids to Sally's Beauty, got driven completely nuts, and bit the bullet and bought real purple dye. I'm not entirely happy with it (again) but it's livable now.