Ramble.
The girl I live with doesn't know about this particular blog, so I have free range to say here whatever I want without fear of reproach. That both relieves and frustrates me. I don't have that much to say about her in particular, except that I am looking forward to living elsewhere. I think that really bothers her, that I am so ready to leave, but she is only part in parcel with my desire to leave. If anything, she makes me feel guilty that I don't meet her emotional needs, that I don't want to hang out with her and chat and while away the hours with giggles and silliness.
I like giggles and silliness, but we rarely find that with one another. She doesn't have a job, you see. And I can't wrap my head around that. I mean, the people I know that don't have jobs are usually destitute or desperate or at least a little worried about finding a job, but not-so her. My other roommate is the same way, his only work involves hanging out in the writing center at his school.
I know that everyone has their cross to bear. I appreciate the gift of poverty that my parents gave me, it taught me how to be frugal, to value hard work, and how to put up with a job I despise if it would feed me. If I had been born into money, I doubt I would be the person I am now. A silly day dream perhaps, this, but I wonder where I would be if I had been born to wealthy parents.
My immediate conclusion is that I would be half-way to my PhD or closer, at some upstanding university somewhere. But I doubt that some how. I wouldn’t be the person I am, wouldn't want the things I want now. I would probably be more attached to the fashionable world, dressing better than I do now and wearing new clothes, awesome shoes, and generally looking fabulous. I would have a personal trainer, a radiant smile, and a heart full of condescension. Of course if my wealthy imaginary family had remained as staunchly religious as my actual family, I might still be in the closet. I know a lot of homos who have given up freedoms to remain in the familial good graces.
No, I'm glad to be just who I am. Worried from month to month whether or not the ends will meet. I have learned a lot about faith and the power of Providence. I've learned what living within one's means means.
Once upon a time, I had credit cards, and I lived my life as though I had money.
6 years later and I'm still paying for those mistakes. Of course, that wasn't my money I was spending, it was just imaginary plastic money... until it wasn't.
Today is Friday. It's Pay Day! And the weekend begins in about 6 hours for me. During my 1st or afternoon break I'm going to walk over to one of the pharmacies and buy some ear plugs. I find it no short irony that while living in my apartment and being the only person with a job I am also the only person without a door. That was some well placed advertising by those ear-plug makers, I never would have thought of it without a clever advert telling me how I could get some delightfully restful sleep.
Jeff used to wear earplugs when I would sleep over. At first I felt bad that my snoring disturbed his sleep, but then it just felt ... well romantic that he wanted me next to him through the night.
I've been pondering on Jeff a lot lately, and I guess he was as near to a true boyfriend as I ever had. I still love the guy, always will, and since our relationship came to such a natural and amicable end I can return to his arms again and again in my memories without heartache. We both know that we weren't right for one another, that in a very fundamental way we couldn't understand one another ... but I do love him, always will.
A few days ago he sent me a text message invitation to coffee while I was out on the Employee Appreciation party boat and I almost had a heart attack. I replied to ask if he was in Chicago, and well ... things got a little confusing til I called him that night. He had sent me the text message by mistake, he meant it for his sponsor. It felt good to think about him though.
And then, then there's Todd. The self-proclaimed god I can't believe in. The fantasy about the easy way out. All I would have to do is stop being myself, and all my wishes would magically be granted. When a genie in a bottle grants your wishes, it's your heart and soul that pay the price.
Be careful what you wish for.
So ... I want ... so much. More than I should ask for. So ... instead, I'll pray:
Oh Lord, that you would bless me indeed, and expand my territory.
That your hand would be with me and keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.
Amen.
Well ... hmm ...
This entry was supposed to kill about an hour, but it hasn't. In fact ... my clock has only moved forward 3 minutes. I just wish I had something worthwhile to say. That though only seems to happen when I'm stoned, and then I'm never motivated to write, I just want to play WoW.
HA