Courage! Confidence! Do they have it at Target?
I'm writing for advice on how to make the personality change requested of me in this year's performance review. For the first time in, just about forever, I actually think that the constructive criticism I received was appropriate, accurate, and -- if addressed -- would be helpful in both my personal and professional lives. I just don't know how to actually DO IT, and I think I'd like to try. That's where you all come in! All helpful replies gratefully received.
I get nervous when interacting with people in authority over me, and I'd be more effective if I was more confident. We're talking things like one on one meetings with the VP / CIO, etc. I have to say, this is completely accurate feedback. If I have to meet with an exec type, I can't sleep the night before. I spend hours trying to figure out what to wear, what to say. I pull out every measure of deference I learned from a Swiss father and ten years of parochial school with nuns. I carefully monitor every reaction for any sign of disapproval so I can nip it fastest way. I'm not afraid of being wrong, I'm afraid of making them mad. Mad at me. I really don't "do" authority figures at all. I've never been pulled over for speeding or anything, but I seriously think I might die if I was. I feel the same way about my in-laws. And doctors. And my childrens' teachers. And my mother. All the people that have power over our lives and can take things away that we love or value.
And just to be clear, this isn't a speaking in public kind of a thing. I actually love doing big presentations to rooms full of people. Educause, ACUTA, AHECTA - sign me up. Just don't put me one-on-one with anyone who has real power over me. (Important people without power are just fine. Other university's CIOs. Other people's bosses. Just not people who can hurt me.) Also, it's not really a "star-struck" kind of thing. I've clerked James Earl Jones groceries. Lived in a town where you'd bump into Paul Newman, Tom Cruise, Sally Jesse Raphael, etc. It's power-structure stuff. And it applies to people I know, too. I used to work a lot with someone who later got promoted to Acting VP while we were without one. As soon as that happened, even though I'd known him years, even though a week before I could joke or get a beer with him, even though he sincerely liked me, I could no longer make and hold eye contact. I didn't know how to address him. He'd gone from a colleague to someone who could fire me in a heartbeat. A loaded weapon. I don't think it's a gender-based thing. I am equally terrified by male and female authority figures. Even lateral colleagues with influence.
Am I just "shy"? Is this what shy feels like? Do you think of me as a shy person?
But, I'm told, I'm getting to a point in my career where I'm going to be working directly with just these types of people. I've had two CIO level meetings in just the last couple of weeks. I guess it's good that I'm considered worth their time and that they want to hear what I have to say. But, my boss says that you know other than the usual handshake formalities, I need to just speak my ideas and sit at the table as equals working on an issue. And that I don't know how I can do. I still remember my one former boss telling me to "always address him as though he has something more important to do than talk to me", and the other former boss who said to my workgroup that he could "put a bullet in any one of us, at any time."
In truth - I even still feel fear when I'm working for my current boss. But for the last year, I've been really practicing behaviors that look like I'm at ease. I don't feel at ease, but I can put my body in a posture that unless you know me really well, looks like I'm comfortable. And I've worked on the facial expressions too. And I keep breathing!!!
The irony here is that I'd never want someone to feel that way about me.
I think it would actually be good for me to be able to do many things without fear. Like ordering take out, or reserving a room in a hotel, or calling my father, or going to the doctor, or going to my kid's parent-teacher conferences, or even, yes, going to a meeting with someone higher up the org chart than me. I could even think about taking a class again. But the truth is that all those things make me terrified. It's kind of like how I can't take even good-natured ribbing, or sarcasm. I have lots of friends who like to tease. It's pretty common among the folks I work with, too. But I can never tell, really, whether someone is teasing or not. It all hurts. And I kind of have to observe for a few seconds and judge facial expression and voice tone and body posture and then some other part of my brain analyzes and determines whether it was humor or malice. Then I can react. But it seems like other people, eg normal people not me, can judge things like that more natively.
But anyway...how do I stop being afraid? Do I just fake it 'til I make it?
I get nervous when interacting with people in authority over me, and I'd be more effective if I was more confident. We're talking things like one on one meetings with the VP / CIO, etc. I have to say, this is completely accurate feedback. If I have to meet with an exec type, I can't sleep the night before. I spend hours trying to figure out what to wear, what to say. I pull out every measure of deference I learned from a Swiss father and ten years of parochial school with nuns. I carefully monitor every reaction for any sign of disapproval so I can nip it fastest way. I'm not afraid of being wrong, I'm afraid of making them mad. Mad at me. I really don't "do" authority figures at all. I've never been pulled over for speeding or anything, but I seriously think I might die if I was. I feel the same way about my in-laws. And doctors. And my childrens' teachers. And my mother. All the people that have power over our lives and can take things away that we love or value.
And just to be clear, this isn't a speaking in public kind of a thing. I actually love doing big presentations to rooms full of people. Educause, ACUTA, AHECTA - sign me up. Just don't put me one-on-one with anyone who has real power over me. (Important people without power are just fine. Other university's CIOs. Other people's bosses. Just not people who can hurt me.) Also, it's not really a "star-struck" kind of thing. I've clerked James Earl Jones groceries. Lived in a town where you'd bump into Paul Newman, Tom Cruise, Sally Jesse Raphael, etc. It's power-structure stuff. And it applies to people I know, too. I used to work a lot with someone who later got promoted to Acting VP while we were without one. As soon as that happened, even though I'd known him years, even though a week before I could joke or get a beer with him, even though he sincerely liked me, I could no longer make and hold eye contact. I didn't know how to address him. He'd gone from a colleague to someone who could fire me in a heartbeat. A loaded weapon. I don't think it's a gender-based thing. I am equally terrified by male and female authority figures. Even lateral colleagues with influence.
Am I just "shy"? Is this what shy feels like? Do you think of me as a shy person?
But, I'm told, I'm getting to a point in my career where I'm going to be working directly with just these types of people. I've had two CIO level meetings in just the last couple of weeks. I guess it's good that I'm considered worth their time and that they want to hear what I have to say. But, my boss says that you know other than the usual handshake formalities, I need to just speak my ideas and sit at the table as equals working on an issue. And that I don't know how I can do. I still remember my one former boss telling me to "always address him as though he has something more important to do than talk to me", and the other former boss who said to my workgroup that he could "put a bullet in any one of us, at any time."
In truth - I even still feel fear when I'm working for my current boss. But for the last year, I've been really practicing behaviors that look like I'm at ease. I don't feel at ease, but I can put my body in a posture that unless you know me really well, looks like I'm comfortable. And I've worked on the facial expressions too. And I keep breathing!!!
The irony here is that I'd never want someone to feel that way about me.
I think it would actually be good for me to be able to do many things without fear. Like ordering take out, or reserving a room in a hotel, or calling my father, or going to the doctor, or going to my kid's parent-teacher conferences, or even, yes, going to a meeting with someone higher up the org chart than me. I could even think about taking a class again. But the truth is that all those things make me terrified. It's kind of like how I can't take even good-natured ribbing, or sarcasm. I have lots of friends who like to tease. It's pretty common among the folks I work with, too. But I can never tell, really, whether someone is teasing or not. It all hurts. And I kind of have to observe for a few seconds and judge facial expression and voice tone and body posture and then some other part of my brain analyzes and determines whether it was humor or malice. Then I can react. But it seems like other people, eg normal people not me, can judge things like that more natively.
But anyway...how do I stop being afraid? Do I just fake it 'til I make it?