(no subject)
For a long time now, I've seemed to have found myself in this funk that I couldn't escape. It felt as if I were plumeting head first in some never-ending downward spiral into a black hole with no bottom. For so long, I asked myself daily if there would ever be a day where everything would just fall into place and prove to me that all my hardships and struggles were worth the pain they put me through. I never believed that I'd find myself wanting to live a better life, or wanting to become a better person, but the truth is...I have.
Chellie has made my life seem whole again. She has saved me from the torture that I have put myself through day in and day out for the last year or more. I never could have imagined what it would feel like to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed and start my day. Before, I'd wake up and feel Dee beside me and I'd instantly start thinking that my life was never going to get any better. I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship I hated, stuck in a bad situation and definitely not happy with myself...AT ALL. I still wonder sometimes if this is all just as tease. Will I wake up again one day and be that same person I've been for the past year? Don't get me wrong, I know Chellie is nothing like Dee, and I know she would never do anything to make me become that person again, but it's me I don't trust. I still blame my issues with Dee on myself. I know there are things I should've gotten past that I didn't. The thing is, I told her before we even started dating that we couldn't date because of my issues, and still we did, and look where we ended up.
From the moment I met Chellie, she was perfect. She's always had a way of making me smile, even when her own smile wasn't anywhere to be found. I think that's one of the things I love about her the most - the fact that no matter how down and out she may feel, she's always right there to make sure everyone around her is smiling. That's genuine, and that's what I need and want. In the past few months, she's shown me so much that I've missed, when I didn't take that chance 5 years ago. I know that sounds wrong, but she truly has opened my eyes to a different world - A different life. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me feel like everything I do matters in some way. It isn't about money or sex. It's not about who makes more or who has more responsbilities. It isn't one sided. Everything about her makes me smile.
For the first time in my life I feel like someone genuinely loves me for who I am. For what I may someday become. I don't have to prove myself or defend myself against her judgments - because she doesn't judge me. She knows my faults and she looks past them, and still loves me. It's hard to fathom just how much this state of mind has changed me. Everyone sees it. People at work, my family, my friends...they have all told me how 'alive' I am now. How different I've become in just a few short weeks.
Chellie, If you're reading this, I just want you to know that you...are...my...everything. There is no way in the world I will ever be able to thank you enough. To make you see just how much you mean to me or how much you've done just by being you. This world is such a better place with you in it, and I'm not just saying that because i love you. Everyone would benefit from knowing the warmth and charm you bring to this world, and I'm so glad you are mine. I'm never letting go again, I promise you that.
Well, I have to get back to work. I am sitting here sqirming in my chair with anticipation. Knowing that when I get home you will be there waiting for me. I love you more than life Michelle. More than life.
Chellie has made my life seem whole again. She has saved me from the torture that I have put myself through day in and day out for the last year or more. I never could have imagined what it would feel like to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed and start my day. Before, I'd wake up and feel Dee beside me and I'd instantly start thinking that my life was never going to get any better. I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship I hated, stuck in a bad situation and definitely not happy with myself...AT ALL. I still wonder sometimes if this is all just as tease. Will I wake up again one day and be that same person I've been for the past year? Don't get me wrong, I know Chellie is nothing like Dee, and I know she would never do anything to make me become that person again, but it's me I don't trust. I still blame my issues with Dee on myself. I know there are things I should've gotten past that I didn't. The thing is, I told her before we even started dating that we couldn't date because of my issues, and still we did, and look where we ended up.
From the moment I met Chellie, she was perfect. She's always had a way of making me smile, even when her own smile wasn't anywhere to be found. I think that's one of the things I love about her the most - the fact that no matter how down and out she may feel, she's always right there to make sure everyone around her is smiling. That's genuine, and that's what I need and want. In the past few months, she's shown me so much that I've missed, when I didn't take that chance 5 years ago. I know that sounds wrong, but she truly has opened my eyes to a different world - A different life. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me feel like everything I do matters in some way. It isn't about money or sex. It's not about who makes more or who has more responsbilities. It isn't one sided. Everything about her makes me smile.
For the first time in my life I feel like someone genuinely loves me for who I am. For what I may someday become. I don't have to prove myself or defend myself against her judgments - because she doesn't judge me. She knows my faults and she looks past them, and still loves me. It's hard to fathom just how much this state of mind has changed me. Everyone sees it. People at work, my family, my friends...they have all told me how 'alive' I am now. How different I've become in just a few short weeks.
Chellie, If you're reading this, I just want you to know that you...are...my...everything. There is no way in the world I will ever be able to thank you enough. To make you see just how much you mean to me or how much you've done just by being you. This world is such a better place with you in it, and I'm not just saying that because i love you. Everyone would benefit from knowing the warmth and charm you bring to this world, and I'm so glad you are mine. I'm never letting go again, I promise you that.
Well, I have to get back to work. I am sitting here sqirming in my chair with anticipation. Knowing that when I get home you will be there waiting for me. I love you more than life Michelle. More than life.