(no subject)
No need to worry, I won't be far soon. <3
R♥S♥R
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So yeah... I can't fall asleep. I did for about a couple minutes, but then I woke up again. I just can't stop thinking about Ryan. How much he loves me. And how much I love him. How much I wanted to fall asleep in his arms. Tonight pretty much went to shit for me after my dad kinda... walked in on me, and I had gotten really frustrated and angry and upset. Ryan made me feel better. He's got this way of making me laugh, even when I've got tears running down my face. He's amazing. Ever since my dad made us get off the phone, I've been listening to the CD that I made with some songs on it that reminded me of Ryan. I thought up every reason why I added each individual song. One song in particular reminds me of the moment that Ryan and I will actually be staring each other in the face for the first time. How emotions will roll off the tip of our tongues and we'll be jaw dropped with a loss for words.
And after three long years
I think that we both need this
So we seal the deal in the parking lot
With a kiss
The verse of that one song makes me feel good and bad at the same time. Good in a sense that it says three long years, which is exactly how long Ryan and I have known each other for those of you who didn't know. But bad in a sense that I ruined the last line. I just can't believe I could ruin something that was supposed to be so special to both of us. And to this day, he still says I'm perfect. I want that yearning feeling back. The one I used to have when I thought of kissing Ryan. I get it every so often, but I always think that he doesn't have that same feeling anymore. Ever since I threw it out the window without a thought, I've felt totally guilty. I've always wanted it to be something special. For both of us. I still want it to be. When that time comes, I hope it is special. I hope it'll be the moment in our lives that we won't ever forget, and that we could always look back on it as being one of the best moments we've ever had. As for all the other times where I've mentioned something that gives me a flashback of what happened, I can't help but constantly wonder if it was a possible trigger. Like, it could be as small as mentioning that I went to the movies with my dad and brother, and then I'll spend time on worrying about if it could set him off later. I hate feeling that way. I hate worrying about it. I wish it would go away and not affect us anymore.
I won't ever be able to forgive myself for the day I killed so many hopes and dreams.
I'm trying so hard turn all of that into something I no longer I have to stress over. It truely is harder than it sounds though. But still, I'm trying.
I don't mean for any of the above to be taken in a bad way. It's just how I feel. I'm not asking for pity or sympathy, or to make anyone feel bad. I can't face my personal demons until I've come face to face with them and conquered them. So this is how I'm facing those demons.
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Rykki's birthday party is today. I'm going to her house early to help set everything up. I'm bringing my camera. So there's definately going to be pictures. Look forward to them when I return on Sunday.
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You're my life's one miracle,
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness,
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this till you
You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
With all the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more?
The nearest thing to heaven,
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love
When you smile at me, I cry
And to save your life, I'll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?
Well there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me stop, loving you
And every breath I take,
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure
Who could ever love you more?