Dude looks like a lady.
i know im going to feel like a loser after this entry. Especially going with this whole emo thing...writing in my lj. *sigh* here i go.
i thought he would totally be happy for me. Yeah I know i totally fucked it up when it came to actually lying to him telling him that i wasnt keeping anything from him...but what else could i do? He kept pondering the question when was i going to quit my job? I couldnt find the words to tell him, that i got promoted to supervisor. ( i was excited when i found out, i thought it was awesome... ) but when these questions started coming about changing my job, and getting a better job, i couldnt tell him. And when i did, i have never felt more crappy in my life. He would just put this straight face and tell me how he couldnt get a promotion at the hospital and whatnot. i felt shitty. He made me feel like this wasnt a good thing. Hos face and expression said it all. I felt like i was good for nothing i felt like if i didnt accomplish anything. I felt like this promotion was a slap in the face. and it meant nothing. not even a good thing for me. i hated it. i hated me. i hated even existing. Later on, he tells me that I dont make him happy. That i do everything wrong and i fuck up alot to the point that he cant stand it.
As he said whatever he said, it was breaking me apart. it was stabbing me. i wanted to cry, but i held it in. Im too damn proud to cry. But i wasnt too proud to not kiss him, but he was. I just let his rejection slowly cut me up. even now i feel my heart heavy and hot. and the tears stream down my face involuntarily. I feel like listening to all these emo songs to fit my mood, even if they are playing in my head.
I talked to Indira. And she made me feel better by telling me things from 2 perspectives. Making it seem like we're both the bad guys, but even so... he just had to come and fuck it all up.
fuck it. i just hate this. im not proud.
i thought he would totally be happy for me. Yeah I know i totally fucked it up when it came to actually lying to him telling him that i wasnt keeping anything from him...but what else could i do? He kept pondering the question when was i going to quit my job? I couldnt find the words to tell him, that i got promoted to supervisor. ( i was excited when i found out, i thought it was awesome... ) but when these questions started coming about changing my job, and getting a better job, i couldnt tell him. And when i did, i have never felt more crappy in my life. He would just put this straight face and tell me how he couldnt get a promotion at the hospital and whatnot. i felt shitty. He made me feel like this wasnt a good thing. Hos face and expression said it all. I felt like i was good for nothing i felt like if i didnt accomplish anything. I felt like this promotion was a slap in the face. and it meant nothing. not even a good thing for me. i hated it. i hated me. i hated even existing. Later on, he tells me that I dont make him happy. That i do everything wrong and i fuck up alot to the point that he cant stand it.
As he said whatever he said, it was breaking me apart. it was stabbing me. i wanted to cry, but i held it in. Im too damn proud to cry. But i wasnt too proud to not kiss him, but he was. I just let his rejection slowly cut me up. even now i feel my heart heavy and hot. and the tears stream down my face involuntarily. I feel like listening to all these emo songs to fit my mood, even if they are playing in my head.
I talked to Indira. And she made me feel better by telling me things from 2 perspectives. Making it seem like we're both the bad guys, but even so... he just had to come and fuck it all up.
fuck it. i just hate this. im not proud.