(no subject)
camp today was a lil nasty. shae and i were sick fucks this morning. i havent felt good all week and i've been close to throwing up and uh...yea. we BOTH threw up this morning. at camp. first of all the one piece bathing suits you have to wear are uncomfortable, just wait untill your throwing up. then it's that times 10. then fucking chaz made me guard and i was like, hickuping the whole time and sat with my knees pulled up to my chest. but i didn't call home or anything because my mom's got breast cancer and she and my dad were in nyc getting surgery. i also, with my sunglasses, i could fall asleep because they're huge and mirror tint. ahh bliss. that nap was wonderful! luckly i had pepto bismal tablet thingers. so me and shae took some of them. and our tounges were all pink. ahaha. prince came to the pool. you can tell when he's coming because you here 'THE CHAMP IS HERE! HAVE NO FEAR PRINCE IS HERE!' uhh
last night was the worst night ever. that was the closest i've ever come to wanting to kill myself. of all three of us.[me and my brothers] i have had the worst problems with my parents. i think they just gave up good parenting after sam.they seriously do not care. they say the worst stuff and don't give a fuck. they also blow things way out of proportion. and start shit. like last night, my mom called me into the kitchen and said ' alright, since i'm not going to be here tommorow, set your alarm and make sure you tell eggzup that your going to be late mon-fri, and mon-thurs.' i said alright, but can you write the dates down for me. my mom FLIPS OUT. not even shitting you. she goes, 'don't use that tone of voice with me meredith, i'm not in the mood.' so i take a pen and walk out of the room. and then my dad trys to start shit, and i yell ' I MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE THE ROOM BECAUSE I'M GOING TO LOSE ANYWAY. NO MATTER HOW HARD I FREAKIN TRY!' he screams ' I'M YOUR FATHER, DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. BLAH BLAH BLAH' i yell back' YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY I CUT MYSELF LIKE I DO. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HUH? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE OF YOU SCREW UPS! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RAISE A GIRL. YOU NEGLECT ME AND PRESSURE ME. YOU THINK BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING ADD THAT I HAVE TO BE BABIED. WELL GUESS WHAT, THE DAY I TURN 18 I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE TO SOMEWHERE I CAN ACTUALLY BREATH NORMALLY WITH OUT GETTING TROUBLE FOR STUPID SHIT!' i ran outside to my dock and sat there in the darkness. HOPING the neighbors heard everything. i really hope i can move in with my aunt. i can't take my parents anymore. i'm constantly depressed at home. i never smile. i cut all the time. i'm only happy when i'm at camp with sio, shae, dara, sam and the rest of um. i'm getting MUCH much better though. i'm killing myself to do that, put on a fake appearance. i'd breaking me down.