Brigit's Flame August Week 3

[psychrolute]

For brigits_flame
prompt: canary in a cole mine
(Warning: LOTS of cussing & pubescent boys that think they're tough)

Comments

[wierdauntie]

inventive! I like it!

[psychrolute]

Thanks! :]

[kithlyara]

I like the tempo you set. The pace was quick, adding to the tension of the piece.

[psychrolute]

thanks!

[mermaidbia]

Awesome, awesome, awesome! I love how shamelessly you executed this idea and how confident you were at it. The imagery in the cave - the way every sound is amplified and then snatched away, like gravel on sneakers - is very precise and exciting at the same time. Just perfect. The ending is creepy and still made me laugh my head off. Poor Miles. LOL.
Little kids can be evil little fuckers.
Awesome. Voted.

[psychrolute]

wow, thank you so much! <3
haha & they totally can.

editor!

[renga_atama]

This was a fun piece to read! The way the kids talk remind me of how the characters speak in Stephen King's The Body. Cool!

Grammar looks good to me, especially with how the style rolls.

I feel that after the first "Who are you?" bit that our poor protagonist, Miles, changes character a little bit, just in how the way he speaks. It may be just me.

I like the font style bits that you put in---with the yellow being yellow, etc. Neat!

Way cool piece! Great writing, and good luck in the polls!

Re: editor!

[psychrolute]

Thank you! Miles' voice definitely changes towards the end; I was trying to write this in one sitting and I just couldn't imagine the scene as clearly without "talking" like I normally describe things. :> hmmm, i wonder how i could work on that.