Brigit's Flame August Week 2

[psychrolute]

For brigits_flame. I can't believe I made it to week two :O I'm still not quite happy with this entry; comments/constructive criticism are the best.
prompt: "Brilliance"

Comments

[watchclarewrite]

I think that you perfectly captured the (admittedly, horribly vague) prompt- the brilliance of fireflies in a hot summer, bringing closeness and intimacy to two people. In this case, I actually appreciate the lack of backstory for the two characters, looking at it as an interlude that can be interpreted in many different ways, therefore keeping it easy to relate to and more meaningful than it could be otherwise

[psychrolute]

Thank you! haha I had so much trouble writing this, I'm really glad you think it works. "Silence between them once more" - that sentence does sound a lot more powerful as a fragment like that, I might change it.

To week 3! :]]

[lisforliz]

Your writing is so beautiful. I love your choice of adjectives, it really sets the scene just right.

[psychrolute]

Thank you! :] Your writing has been some of my favorite in the comm. so far.

editor!

[renga_atama]

Ohhh, boy! Haha, I just love heavy emotion pieces like this. =D You really dig into this piece and feel everything. It's wonderful.

A couple things:

Throughout, you have Eli and Lo's dialouge intermingled through the paragraphs. It's better to break that up, and also, it will make it easier for a reader to take the chunks of text better.

...Lo had shivered anyways.
Anyways = anyway. Maybe I payed a little too much attention to the grammar excersises in sophomore English, but I do believe that's the correct way.

Somehow Lo felt it was her bad that the evening...Although "her bad" is realistic thinking, it could use a little better word choice, even if it's just "her fault

Re: editor!

[psychrolute]

Thanks so much! You definitely made some good points, I'll go through and space up the paragraphs. I agree the ending could be stretched out; I just can't come up with what, agh. And oh man, sophomore English - I hated that class, you're probably right. :P

ahh I really enjoyed your story this week too :]]

[jellybeanchichi]

Nice slice of life piece. An enjoyable, easy-going read.

[psychrolute]

Thanks. =)

[attentionhoard]

Hi there! I'm one of your editor's this round. I'm not an expert on grammar and structure so that's not what I'm going to be focusing on. Instead, I just read through your entry a few times and make notes of things that jump out at me. Take whatever I say as lightly as you want, they are all merely suggestions! :)

1. The dialogue is really strong in this piece. As a playwright, I tend to pay attention to this so nice work! I do agree that it would help to break it up, however. It's just easier on the eyes and helps the reader separate thoughts and characters.

2. ".....She remembered as kids, the way Eli’s eyes seemed to glow amber in the dusk, stealing the light of the sunset and the fireflies, the tall grass tickling their knees as they sprinted to catch the soaring lights...." beautiful sentence. Nice, nice work

[psychrolute]

Wow, thank you. I'm amazed you found the characters and dialogue strong, I've always thought I had trouble writing them. Changing sentence meanings with commas or periods is a cool idea, I'll try that out. And the spacing I'll definitely have to look at - since the last editor suggested it, I actually did break the paragraphs up more than they had been, so that's not too good if you're still noticing it, haha.

[attentionhoard]

You're welcome :)

The spacing issues is an easy, layout fix. I just think that if you're going to have different people talking, spacing them as much as possible (while still making sense and not being absurd about it) is a good idea.

Again, nice work this week!